It's been about four weeks since I lost my sweet little Bella kitty. She was only 3 1/2 years old.  She came to me as a long term foster because no one wanted her due to a severe heart defect.  From the moment she got out of her carrier, it was like she was coming home.  Bella helped foster 40 kittens over three years.  She loved each and every one, always putting the kittens before herself.  

The guilt of not being home with Bella on her last day is overwhelming.  I should have taken the day off to be with her.  I missed the signs, but maybe I was in denial.  I thought she had more time, but the signs were right in front of me.   She waited for me to come home and passed shortly after.  I always put everyone ahead of myself and why I didn't stay home with her is horrible.  

I donated her food to our shelter yesterday and donated the rest of her medication to the vet's office to help those who can't afford medication for their little one.  I was hoping that knowing it will help others will bring peace, but it did not.  

Fostering will begin again in the spring.  It won't be the same without my little girl.  She was a tremendous helper.  Most cats would have a difficult time with having "strangers" around, but she loved each and every one. I know they are all better for being loved by her.

Bella didn't like to be alone and I left her alone when she needed me most.  She waited for me to come home before she passed.  I will never stop regretting the worst decision I have ever made.

I will always miss you every second of every moment of every day, my sweet baby girl.  You are my heart.  

Bella's mom



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I have similar guilt with my cat Kitty...I'm trying to learn how to live with it....but it's not easy when I am alone with my thoughts (which is often)..all my regrets come boiling up.  

Bella sounds like a one of a kind lucky you both were to have found each other.  

Such a short time on this earth but left an impact that will last a lifetime.  

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Thank you for your kind words.  I am sorry for you loss as well.  You are right, from the moment they come into our lives, whether it was one that was chosen or one that came like Bella, they become our heart.  Our lives are so much better because they were part of it.

Bella was truly a special little girl. I wish she had more time.  People keep saying that I knew she wasn't meant to be long term when I took her in (which is not the right thing to say) but I do know others kitties with the same defect sometimes live longer.  I wish with all my heart that she would have had more time.  I wish with all my heart that she would have been my only focus for the last couple months of her life.

I hope she knows how much she was and is loved.
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Bella's mom,
First, I'd just like to tell you what a special person you are to foster all of these these kittiens who are looking for a home. When no one would take Bella because of her heart defect, you did! I'm sure she was so grateful and loved you so much. You gave her a wonderful life where she could help out with the kittens and be a valued and important family member, despite her health issue. I' m sure she took great pride in that! I think she wanted to wait and say good bye before she crossed over because she loved you so much and perhaps even to thank you. I have no doubt she knew how you felt about her. Animals are so instinctive and they know when they are loved. I am so sorry for your loss!!
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I am sorry for your loss i know how it feels to lose a cat my cat was 14 but she was sick with cancer :(
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MJ, Thank you for the kind words and support.  Fostering in a huge amount of work but there is a need at our local shelter.  It gives kittens a start in life that they would not have.  One of the reasons I have continued fostering is because it gave Bells friends so that she would not be alone.  It was sometimes an adjustment, but they always became besties and she was always sad when they left.  I think she always appreciated having me to herself when fostering ended.  I know she wanted to wait for me to come home, more reason that I should have been home with her during the day.  

Kathryn, I am so sorry for your loss.  I know how difficult it is for you.  I lost my first kitty due to cancer as well.  It's not easier to watch them go through the process.  I had made the decision to put her down because I did not want her suffering any longer.  I made sure her last day was filled with her favorite things and I held her during the process.  Which is another reason I feel so guilty about Bella.

On a side note, if your little one is dying, please don't move them from the area where they have found comfort.  I wanted to hold her.  When she tried getting down, I put her on her favorite blanket where she stayed for just a few minutes and then tried getting off.  I picked her up again.  She died in my arms, but I think she was also trying to get down at the same time.  It happened so fast.  Not a way to go.  Another level of enormous guilt.   If this ever happens to your little one, leave them in their space, stroke them as you tell them how much they are loved, keep doing that until they pass.  So badly I wish I had done this.
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