Hi everybody. I'm sorry for the book. Thank you if you read it, I just need to get it out there.
My 15 1/2 year old precious baby boy Beener died in my arms at 4:00 AM on Tuesday morning from lung disease and heart failure. This has been by far one of the most devastating events of my life, despite my past. I'll explain why......
My precious dachshund Beener was born on 11/23/02 in a shelter. That same day happened to be my wedding day to my ex husband, who was my best friend and partner. We got Beener when he was 4 weeks old. From that day forward he was my shadow for 15 1/2 years. In 2011, I got pregnant with my first child, we were so excited. I miscarried a few weeks later which was so devastating. I was ready to try again but My husband could not handle the loss and a few months later on Fathers Day he walked out and I never saw him again. He just couldn't handle it. So I lost my baby and my husband.
My precious Beener became my "baby" after the miscarriage. He was already clingy and baby like from day 1, but he even more so became my baby. At my age I knew that I would probably not have the chance to have another baby. Beener is what got me through the divorce, bankruptcy and pain that I endured and still endure to this day from that experience. He's been my rock, my child, my partner, my playmate, the only thing that has kissed me since then. He has a whole wardrobe of precious tshirts and clothing and he loved to wear them! I took care of him and protected him all these years. He loved me more than any animal I have ever had and his whole interest in life was me. My other dachshund loves to hunt and is very independent but so precious. Beener only wanted to be with me, eyes always on me or touching me. He kissed my feet at night to calm me and licked my tears when they came. He was my parents "Grandpup" as they missed having a grandchild as well and they spoiled them rotten, especially the old man Beener.
I can't tell you how precious he was, everyone loved him and he had such a wonderful spirit and personality. He was not sick one time until a couple years ago when he started coughing. He was diagnosed with chronic bronchitis from exposure to an essential oil spray I used to use. I am having a hard time forgiving myself for knowing I probably caused this disease. We fought the off and on flares of lung disease for a couple years, and he kept bouncing back so many times as he wasn't ready to leave yet. I had anticipatory grief this whole time knowing that someday he would leave me, and it hit every time he had a flare and couldn't breathe. He never complained, he always kept kissing me and loving me through it. He loved his treats, rides, stroller walks or anything that we did. He was at my feet every time I got out the shower to lick me, every night in my legs or arms to sleep, at my feet if I washed dishes or cooked for 15 years. I swear if I jumped off a bridge he would've followed, that's how loyal and stuck to me he was. I haven't left him for a night in years as he got too upset when I left and I didn't have anyone to keep him after the divorce that he would do well with except my parents.
Anyway, so the lung disease kept getting worse and his little lungs were scarring and getting more and more closed over time. I cried buckets knowing he would leave me someday. Being alone and haven't dated in 6 years, him and Roxy were my life and my only family. I live 5 hours away from my family.
A couple months ago he got a lot worse and then meds weren't helping as much. His arthritis was so bad too but he kept pushing through several near death bouts with his lungs. He did everything he could to stay with me. He fell out the car onto cement, down a flight of stairs, and so much more and bounced right back. He wanted to be with me!!
I noticed last month his breathing was different from the lung disease breathing. He was losing weight and more lethargic. I took him to the vet and she thought it was just the lungs and put him on antibiotics. He didn't improve. He was there a couple weeks ago being babysat by a friend who works there and they called and said that he collapsed and rush back. He was gray and didn't think he'd make it. They did an xray and put him on oxygen and lasix and found it was his heart. When I got there he jumped out of the cage and licked my face all over like "I'm not going yet!" They were even surprised he came back from that episode.
After that he would collapse daily. He couldn't walk around or bark or strain or get excited or it would result in him collapsing. Each time I thought he would die.....I've held him in my arms 24 hours a day to prevent him from collapsing as I hoped the heart meds would work. I knew it was his heart before then!! I hate I didn't start meds sooner....
I noticed a few days ago he was just weaker and weaker and I knew what was coming. I couldn't eat or leave the house, I just held him all day, as it was the only way to keep him calm. I cherish every moment I had him in my arms....He was still happy, ear up, loved to eat, loved the stroller and rides. I couldn't go anywhere that he couldn't go with me but I was ok with that.
On Monday, I woke up and looked at him in the bed and I heard in my head "He's going to die today..." I just didn't see that spark in his eye and he was tired on a soul level. I held him all day, went for a ride but he just couldn't keep any energy. At about 11 he had a bad collapse and I thought it was the one. He did come back out of that one but I knew the next one would be fatal as he was weak and couldn't walk after that one and had so much fluid in his lungs.
We slept for about an hour then he woke up uncomfortable again. I held him for two hours walking around the house and gave him a bowl full of his favorite BilJac treats....
About 3:30, he had the one. I wrapped him up again as he kept peeing and pooping when they happened...I held him in the recliner and rocked him and told him I would be ok and just kept telling him how much I loved him. He howled a couple times and put his head back as far as it would go to try to breathe. He struggled just a little, then had a couple of the tiniest breaths, his mouth hanging open, and then did two twitches, and he was gone. It traumatized me but I know he wanted it that way.
My baby boy.....the day I've dreaded for years. I held him for about 30 minutes and then put him in his stroller in the bedroom with us and lit a candle. Roxy smelled him that day and since then has been so depressed. She just keeps her head down all day and doesn't get excited about anything, she just sleeps. That was her man, her partner and playmate.
Since then, I can't function. The grief of losing him brought up additional grief of the loss of the marriage, miscarriage and all that went with that. Beener kindof represented that era in my life as he was born on our wedding day. The closure to that experience and that love, the loss of my baby once again.
My house is quiet, my arms are empty, and my heart is broken. I can't stop crying, I can't eat, I can't do anything but take Roxy to the park to look for squirrels. It's the only thing that perks her up. Not hearing his feet on the floor and feeling him in bed and in my arms is killing me. I took him to be cremated and need to pick him up today but don't think I can yet. Leaving him there was torture as I have never left him and not come back for him.....
I don't know how to live without him here. I don't know if he's ok. I'm not with him to take care of him. I've protected him and taken care of him every moment of the day for years. What do I do now??? I don't want to be home or even live here anymore because there's too many memories of him. I sit under our favorite tree and bawl and Roxy just lays there. It's too quiet....the bed is too empty....I don't get kisses anymore....he's not in my arms. His soft fur and suede belly. His tail always wagging, always barking for treats, always wanting to go when I left the house, his robust and crazy freakouts when I got home, his love of food, his sweet nose kisses, his smelly feet that smell like Fritos....all gone.
Today is day 2 without him. I hope it gets better. I feel like I'm dying. My stomach is a mess and I have no interest in life. I just sit here and cry and wail for him. I can't stand the quiet. Roxy won't bark. He was the spark and the light of my life and my family.
Thank you for reading if you got this far. Just getting it out is helpful. I really do hope it gets better. I have mourned this more than my miscarriage. This is the baby I did get to hold for 15 years.....