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Susie_Squillions
Oh, Carol ~

I am so sorry to hear that your heart kitty has just gotten his wings, leaving you here, so sad without him.  I know you wonder how you will get through this, but I promise you that you will.  We're always stronger than we think we are.  Please stay with us and let us help.  Just knowing there is a community of people who really understand helps so much. 

How kind it was of you to take the time to read my message and to post such a comapssionate reply to it when your own heart is so badly bruised.  I can't tell you what a huge step that is!  I first arrived here 6 years ago this week after saying goodbye to T.J.'s little nephew, Buddy Guy.  I've been here ever since, doing my best to try to welcome and comfort others who come in need of some support.

Your kitty will never be more than a whisper away from you.  Their signs can be so subtle that we miss them at first.  We long to feel their presence, but it can take time for us to be able to see the little things they send our way.  Give yourself time to adjust and soon you will feel his presence with you.  Speak to him as much as you need to.  He will hear your words of love.  And always try your best to think of him with a smile, even if the smile comes through a river of tears..  Your smile will serve to welcome him, just like the sun shining through rain gives us hope.  For now, try to find comfort in knowing he is safely in your husband's arms, young and healthy for eternity.

You called him your "Heart Kitty."  I always told T.J. that he was the "Heart of My Heart."  He truly was.  About two weeks before he left us, he and I made a little craft project together.  I used a molding medium called Delight.  I rolled it out into a thin sheet about 8 x 8 inches and carved a large heart that touches the borders of the square.  Then, he and I made his four paw prints within the heart. I have a special little charm that is the same design, and it hangs in the middle, between his paw prints, making it the heart within the heart.  I still need to paint it, and I think this weekend or next will be the time to do that.

I am keeping you and your special angels in my thoughts and prayers.  I leave you with this very special poem for you and your heart kitty:

i carry your heart
~ e.e.cummings

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart).




My heart is battered and bruised, but I will not let it break. It holds such precious cargo, I must protect it now. (Susie Squillions)

"Memories of loved ones are like songs in our soul." Margaret Wakeley

T.J.'S RESIDENCY:
http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/TJ006/Resident.htm

BUDDY GUY AYRES~LYNCH'S RESIDENCY:
http://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/Buddy128/resident.HTM

KING BING THE GOD CAT'S RESIDENCY:
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BINGO009/Resident.htm

In one of the stars, I shall be living.
In one of them, I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night.
~ The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery
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Carol
Thank you for your kindness and words I will try to remember as I go through this process.  I can't imagine that you have gone through this before.  You are a remarkable person with so much compassion for your babies and for all of us.  I need this website for my sanity and peace of mind.  So many people think that grieving so deeply for a pet is ridiculous.  I had to take time off work to go to a specialist for Pilikia and then wait for all the final decisions to be made.  I have been off for 3 days with everything and they basically told me this was not appropriate for an animal.  I had to give notice instead of being fired.  Some people have no heart.  How do you get back to the normal day to day functions without major melt downs?  I feel so pained that I haven't been out of PJ's for 2 days. 

Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers.  I truly appreciate your understanding and friendship.  The poem you sent was beautiful, and through tears I took in every word.

T.J. was truly a special boy with a special Mom.

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judy
Oh, Carol,
To be going thru all this with Pilikia and then have these heartless people tell you that!  That is awful; my prayers are with you.  I lost my Teddy a week ago Tuesday and cried for 5 straight days then had a woman tell me to get over it - "it was just a dog".  Some people are so insensitive.  Our pets are our lives; I am not really good with words like Susie, who is wonderful, but I know what you are going thru.  I still can't think straight after 9 days. 
Judy
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Carol
Judy,
Your words are beautiful and thoughtful.  I know they come from the heart.  It gives me solace to know that I really am not the only one that has these amazing feelings.  I am so sorry about your Teddy...may he be health and happy in his new place. Thank you for telling me of your struggle through these days.  At least I know I am not alone in this.  My kitty was my whole life, and with him gone I don't know what to do or how to act.  I've slept about 5 hours in 3 days and everytime I eat I get sick.  I'm sure this will pass, but I look forward to the day when I can remember him without feeling sad and bursting into tears.   Thanks again for being here for me.

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judy
Of course, Carol.  Life is just not the same with them gone.
I lost 5 pounds the week before I lost Teddy from anticipatory grief.  The vet had given him a week to a month to live.
I am eating now, but not as much.  I miss him terribly and life will never
be the same.  He was my constant companion for 11 years and we were
especially close after my husband died 2 years ago this month.  Somehow I have gotten thru these 9 days thanks to the friends on this site and especially Susie.  You have to feel sorry for these heartless people as they have never known the love that a pet can bring.  Take care of yourself.  It is a shame that you have to lose your job because you loved your kitty and wanted to look out for him.  I hate people like that!  I know the pain you are going through; as I said on earlier posts, I have lost my mother, father, husband and other animals over the years, but nothing could compare to the pain I felt at losing Teddy.  I think the grief was cumulative and losing him was the last straw.  I cried for 5 days straight, no kidding.  I still can't think straight and feel like I'm in a daze.
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Carol
Judy,
We have a lot in common.  I too lost my husband, it will be a year on April 15.  It's ironic that my kitty was so sick, but was here for a year after my husband passed.  I wonder if he knew I would be unable to handle both losses at the same time and hung in there until he thought I could bear it.  My parents and brothers have also passed, so I truly do feel alone.  My kitty was my life and he was the reason I came home at night and got up in the morning, especially in the first few months.  As I have dealt with all the things that change when a spouse dies, Pilikia was my source of comfort and companionship.  Now, I feel lost without him.  I agree that this loss is truly the straw that broke the camel's back.  You wonder how much one can really handle.  Now I have to deal with the financial burdens without my job.  That seems a little daunting at this point, but I will get through that too.  I sometimes believe that we have a heart animal that really is bound to us.  It sounds like Teddy was your heart animal.  Do you believe that they can come back to you with another body and that we will have them back in our lives?  I hope so.  It's so wonderful to hear from you and the support you have offered.  As you know, it is very helpful in this process. 
carol

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judy
Hi Carol,
I'd like to talk to you more, perhaps in a private email.  You can go to my first post about Teddy, which is on the second page in the pet loss forum and write to me.  There is a way to send a private email there.  I think we can share many things and perhaps help each other.  I know what the feeling is being alone with no one to turn to or talk too.  I must say that last week I was in that state and felt hopeless, hurt and in such incredible pain.  And the holiday weekend did not help either.  The people here have been so helpful; I don't know what I would have done without them.
Judy
 
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Susie_Squillions
Dear Judy and Carol,

I love to see friendship blossoming in the midst of such tremendous sorrow!  I see that happening here between the two of you today, and it warms my heart.  You can be sure that Teddy and Pilikia are romping together at the Bridge, and that they are the best of friends.

I first arrived here six years ago this past Tuesday.  I made some friends here then and now I can't imagine not ever having met them.  My life is richer for our paths having crossed.  They have become a huge part of my life, and we still e-mail and call each other often.  Our Bridge Kids know that they're doing when they guide us here.

This phenomenon was what inspired the following poem, which Bingo and Buddy sent to me late one night:


THANK YOU TO MY BRIDGE KID

 

You brought me to this beautiful place

Where I don’t have to hide my face,

Or turn away as I start to cry,

Or act as if you didn’t die.

 

This beautiful place called Rainbows Bridge

Where we share stories of our kids.

Where each and every person knows

That in deep sorrow, friendship grows.

 

We share our laughs, we share our pain,

We come back here in sun and rain.

We start to heal, we learn to grow,

And all because of the love we’ve known.

 

We learn to live our lives again,

To love, to welcome others in.

To let them come into our hearts,

Our homes, our souls, our deepest parts.

 

You live forever, your legacy grows

With each fur kid we come to know,

And treasure just as we treasured you

You knew we’d find this to be true.

 

You had faith in us when we felt lost.

You knew the pain was just the cost

Of loving so well, so deep, so true,

Of loving someone as perfect as you.

 

Thank you for your deep belief

That I would learn, and find relief

From the suffering I thought would never end,

Thank you, my Bridge Kid, my truest friend.

 

Susan “Susie Squillions” Lynch  © 2 December, 2005

In memory of King Bing, The God Cat & Buddy Guy

In deepest gratitude to Ginny & Fifi

My heart is battered and bruised, but I will not let it break. It holds such precious cargo, I must protect it now. (Susie Squillions)

"Memories of loved ones are like songs in our soul." Margaret Wakeley

T.J.'S RESIDENCY:
http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/TJ006/Resident.htm

BUDDY GUY AYRES~LYNCH'S RESIDENCY:
http://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/Buddy128/resident.HTM

KING BING THE GOD CAT'S RESIDENCY:
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BINGO009/Resident.htm

In one of the stars, I shall be living.
In one of them, I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night.
~ The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery
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judy

Beautiful, Susie; you are truly amazing!

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Carol
Hi Susie....

I read your beautiful poem and am amazed at your beautiful words and thoughts.  You truly have a gift.  It is very obvious that you are a caring, loving individual who puts the needs of others, especially the fur babies, as a priority in your life.  You talk the talk and I know you walk the walk.  I also read your post on my thread and am blown away by your complete understanding of the circumstances of my life.  I am so disappointed in how people are responding to the grief I feel, but you are right on with your characterization of why that is so. 

I know that my beautiful Pilikia was with me so that I could endure the difficult times that were to come in my life.  I had never had a cat before, only dogs, when he wondered into my place of business, and refused to leave.  I asked others in the building if they knew the owner and they responded that it was apparent that he had been left there to fend for himself.  The restaurant in the center had been feeding him for days.  I called my husband and told him to make up a "kitty box" with dirt for our new kitty.  My husband named him, Pilikia, a Hawaiian word meaning"trouble".  At the time, we lived in Hawaii.  My heart was stolen by that little guy that night.  My husband used to laugh and say that I paid kitty more attention then him.  He was right.  We all grew as a family and when some very difficult things happened in our life, he was one of the bright lights that gave my husband and I such joy.  I miss my family and I miss that joy and happiness.  As time goes on I'll be sharing more, but right now my emotions have taken over and I need to take a break. 

You have been so sweet and loving, as well as Judy and you both have helped me more then you will ever realize.  I am indebted to you both for what you have given me.

Hugs, Carol

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