brucekn
I found Marta almost 13 years ago. She was a shelter cat, black all over, residing in a cat cage at a local Petsmart.  We had just lost another cat to cancer, and I was immediately impressed by how friendly Marta was- she would lick my hand when I touched her through the bars of the cage.  We hadn't gotten around to deciding on another cat, and so at a subsequent visit to Petsmart for our other cat I saw Marta once again-  and she recognized me- this was two weeks after I had first seen her.  Now I knew I had to visit her again and over the next several days I made daily visits just to see her.  Then I heard that she was to be "moved to another location" in the next day or so.  We decided to go ahead and adopt her.

I have had friendly "lap cats" before, ones that just get to our heart, and Marta was right up there among the nicest of the cats I have ever known.  She was always purring.  Over the past 13 years her and I have had an unbreakable bond.  She loves people, and my wife of course, her favorite activity was helping tradesmen like plumbers , etc (the other cat would run and hide).  She was a small cat- very small when alongside our Maine Coon- they got on so well.  Every night while watching TV Marta would come lie on my lap.  I felt that she was "my cat", and she trusted me totally.

We had early signs that all was not well with her several years ago from a regular blood test, she had a thyroid issue.  Luckily we could administer medication easily- it was a paste that we would apply to her inner ear.  We always rewarded her with treats afterwards and that became a regular routine.  Over time and subsequent visits with the vet at our local Humane Society, we had to administer more of the medication to keep her thyroid under control-  then kidney issues arose and she began drinking a lot of water and urinating almost constantly in the litter box.  Then, in September of this year, we had a two week vacation and got back to find Marta was very thin.  The cat sitter told us that she had been eating a lot (she always loved her food), so back to the vet, only to find that now there was liver disease which was untreatable.  We continued to feed her whenever she wanted food, but she kept losing weight.  We made several more trips to the vet, and we all finally agreed there wasn't much more we could do.  So, a week ago, we scheduled last Thursday (12/12/19) to be the day.  

Here's where I am struggling.  Having been present at a prior euthanasia for another cat, and knowing how much it upset us, we decided to not be present at this event with Marta.  How could I have been so cold and callous to think this way I don't know-  I had Googled the subject and found many reasons why the owners should, and should not, be present.  Not only this- but in my selfish attempts to help me beyond this process of euthanization, as we were about the hand over the cat carrier to the technician at the Humane Society, I removed Marta's collar (with several tags, she was chipped).  

Looking back now, I can still see her-  she had been OK with the trip to the vet (we'd done a few recently), no crying or struggling, she trusted us.  After the collar came off I placed my hand at the opposite end of the cat carrier to the door (she was looking out the closed carrier door), and she curled a 180 degrees around to my hand and pressed her little face so hard into my palm (the carrier was made of fabric, so she could actually  push her head into my palm).  While my wife finished the contract and made the payment, I still cannot believe how much energy there was between Marta's head and the palm of my hand.  This only happened after the collar came off, and I think this was a sign to her that I was abandoning her- maybe back to a cage.  And to think that I was not there for her at the end.  I feel like a failed my best feline buddy in her absolute greatest time of need.  

I called into the Humane Society yesterday- the day after losing Marta-  and asked a different person at the same counter if Marta went peacefully, and was she put into a holding cage until the process was administered.  I was somewhat relieved to find out that the euthanasia took place about 30 minutes after we had left, and that she was never in a cage- and they had used an old towel in the cat carrier with her for familiarity.  And I know that she is now in a better place and will have no memory of me abandoning her, and that we did the right thing in not letting her suffer.  But even though she can't feel the fear that must have been present when we left her- and without the collar-  I still know that for 30 minutes several days ago I put my best feline buddy needlessly through suffering.  I would do anything to be able to go back and redo this event.  I would walk to the humane society through a raging blizzard to have a second chance.

I am someone who agonizes over accidentally stepping on an ant.  How can I ever make this up to Marta?  How can I ever resolve the feeling of neglect that I showed to her?  Little Marta, I am so sorry....  I'm also sorry for myself in choosing an option that didn't allow for closure.

Thanks for reading,  Bruce.
Boulder, CO.


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Mistysmama
Dear Bruce,
I am so sorry for the loss of your Marta. The final moments, minutes, are always so horrid, heartbreaking, whether they pass naturally, or are euthanised.

But from things that I became aware of with my Misty (dog) I came to realise that they are sentient Souls, at least equal to us spiritually, and even sometimes -in advance of us spiritually. They are also immortal Souls, just as I conclude we must be (taking my cue from what I discovered from my dog after her passing.) If they live after "death" then so must we, was my logic.

And as such, I feel intuitively that they do in fact know when their time has come, and they are about to leave. A strange grace comes to them. Mostly, it seems they find it easier to accept this than we do. They know they are to go home to their Soul home.

It is possible Marta was aware of what was happening and her pushing her face into your hand was an act of making a final contact with you -an impression, in physical terms, as a knowing "goodbye"....remember me...I know I am about to leave....I shall not forget you.....bless you.....
She wanted to touch base with you, in a physical way, one last time, for you to carry the memory of her presence with you always.

Please know that she was aware and still is (and now in a more conscious way) of all the love and care you and your dear wife gave to her over those years. She came to you -or you chose her -because you were old Soul friends, and that kind of bond of love goes on beyond time and space.

Bless her.
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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brucekn
Thanks mistysmama, your kind words are appreciated.  I too believe that their souls are in another place and that they still know us.  Writing that forum post made me feel better, as did the visit yesterday to the Humane Society.  Inch by inch I am moving on but know my little feline buddy is now at peace.

Bruce,
23876757-495F-48AF-BB4B-D09659AE4F90.jpeg 
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Mistysmama
Marta is so beautiful. Bless her Soul. That is a lovely photo of her, Bruce.
My kindest thoughts go out to you and your wife.
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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brucekn
Thankyou Mistysmama, you have helped me, and Marta sees that.  Bless you.
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