ANNDAK
My grief is unbearable.
Two years ago I had Noel who was like a father to me, his cat Kita who I helped to nurse, my lovely ginger tom WIlbur and my wonderful mother, best friend,soul mate - my everything Marie. In March I lost the last link to my happy world - my beautiful calico baby Spooky cat. I had channelled all of my caring to her since losing Marie and got her through a difficult heart problem only to discover a tumour on her lung and she died in my arms within twelve hours of my being told.
She had been critically ill at the same time as Marie was in ITU and I was travelling to and from the hospital on my own not knowing what I would find everytime at either end.
When I lost Spooky it compounded all of the other losses- which had all been shocks and I will only be happy when I am with those I love and who loved me.
At the moment I ache as Marie loved the tennis and would hardly move from her chair while it was on with Spooky on her knee. I look at the chair now and it is empty.
At night I cry "Come back to me just for an hour each night to talk to me and bring Spooky with you - it will be our secret and something to look forward to in these dreary days"
I am getting all of my finances, photos in order and have a headstone and a bench in the cemetery for Marie and am ordering a headstone for Spooky and WIlbur in the pet cemetery. All I do now is visit Marie every day and my fur babies every other day.
There will be no happiness until I am with them again.
Ihave suffered from depredssion for most of my life and often just kept going for I woud never deny Marie an outing (three pub quizzes a week, drama group, shopping - she had such a passion for life) I used to say to her "When you and Spooky are gone my purpose will be served and I will join you". She would say "Don't be silly - if everyone thought like that the world wouldn't carry on" But I am sure it won't miss me. I am not lonely - I am solitary (that is a chosen state) and I know I am being awful and pushing away help as the only company I craved was Marie's and Spooky's
I would never have left this world while there was someone who cared and would miss me. Now I have noone and can be selfish and do what I want to make me happy again.
I refuse to
A M Dakin
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Chinadoll
You have had a hard journey, my heart aches for your pain and what you have gone through. I can only offer my prayers, my heartfelt condolences for your losses. I wish I could do more, I just want you to know there are lots of people here on this forum who have been through so much heart ache and grief and yet they continue to come here to help others. I pray for a peace and comfort to come to you, you gave so much to those around you, your love for them is so strong and lives on. God bless you.
Charlie
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lettersatlarge

Ann, you've experienced so much loss in such a short amount of time. Even for someone who does not have to worry about managing depression, this experience could make them feel unbelievable sadness. Your feelings are valid and very raw right now and I want you to know that we are here for you and we will understand or try our very best.

 

I want you to remember what Marie would want for you. I want you to remember what a rock you were for Spooky and for Wilbur. You clearly are a person of unbelievable strength and resolve. Sometimes it is not fair to be so strong, but you have a purpose and you continue to have a purpose. You matter. Your loved ones are free of their pain, but it would hurt them to see you choose to leave your life here so soon. Ann, I know we cannot take this pain away from you, but you clearly are a person full of love, and there are many furbabies out in this world who would be so lucky to have you in their lives. Perhaps talk to your therapist, if you have one, and see if adopting a new furbaby will help ease your pain, or volunteering at an animal shelter. Furbabies and people alike need people like you, we want you to stay.

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lettersatlarge
Ann I'm just checking in to make sure you're okay. Please let us know how you're doing.
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