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Jenniferhiggs1221

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Posts: 23
Reply with quote  #16 
Just checking in on you to see how u r feeling..im still going back and forth with my feelings on it. I feel like one day im able to smile or joke again and then the next im mad and angry and cant stop thinking about what my baby went through and it tears me right back apart again..i wanna feel a little better sometimes and then again im not ready to feel better because of the way things happened wih him in the end and the decision i had to make for him which drives me insane and i know that guilt will always be there
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MegP

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Posts: 14
Reply with quote  #17 
Thank you, everyone sharing here has been immensely helpful. I’m reconciling the fact that not one single person has ever felt “at peace” abt putting their little one to sleep even if they think it’s right, it doesn’t ever feel right. There’s no circumstance where that is the case. I think without realizing it, I thought it could be that way and I was angry it wasn’t for me, but I’ve come to realize it’s universal. I wanted to call the vet and go through the scenarios mostly to have him tell me I made a very fair choice, but that comes w the risk of him saying something that will make me anxious or guilty. Then I thought, well if my little one is dead and it’s mt fault, I deserve to suffer w the truth, that’s fair. A friend told me to wait until some of the emotions have calmed which I think is smart. It’s been 5 days. Debating calling tomorrow. The horror of the final moments often flashes in my head and I tried to go there the first couple days, thinking that confronting it would help me process it. It sometimes helps and sometimes kills me. Today I’ve tried to distract myself bc as we all know, life doesn’t frickin stop and you still have to work and deal w life, so I let myself be distracted. I could be addicted to that and try to bury it but I don’t think that’s healthy and it’s not fair to my little guy. I want to hold onto those final moments bc they were so significant-horrible but significant and it feels like an injustice to not sit w them. My husband thinks I’m torturing myself. I feel like it’s the responsibility we bear as the decision maker. If I can’t make peace w it, then I shouldn’t have peace. I’m working on this, I promise. Been trying to get into a therapist, but of course that’s like a 2-6 week wait. Been leaning on allllll of my support people rehashing all of it continually trying to make sense of it. Thank goodness for this group or I think I would have killed all my friends and family’s patience. The house is weirdly quiet without him and I think I see him around every corner. Had one dream that woke me because it felt so real that he was there crying to jump in my lap. I hate not crying and suffering bc then it feels like the loss and his life are meaningless (I know rationally this is not true) but it doesn’t seem right to laugh and smile and be normal. Like my suffering makes his death more meaningful. Why are brains dumb? I sure don’t complain abt stupid things anymore, like traffic - well that’s a lot better than what happened Saturday, where I had to euthanize my cat, puts things in perspective. I still wake up anxious but not in a panic. I feel bad I didn’t cry hardly at all today - kept myself distracted. I don’t want to be over him bc that’s not fair. I also don’t want to suffer bc it sucks. Oh and let’s not forget the hours of searching I did online and am now an expert in everything to do w feline UTI, PU surgery, enlarged bladders, kidney function etc. literally scouring the web for confirmation that my little guy was not going to get better and I made the right choice. I’d say a lot of the info points that way esp bc he was so old but then there’s the articles that show how fixable it can be - off to the races again in horror and despair. Then find an article that validates he’ll have ongoing problems and finally solace. Back and forth and back and forth. Another friend suggested I might be focusing on the circumstances to avoid grieving. Fair point. I justify that I just want more facts and info. But none of it changes the outcome. I have to live w my choice, hope it was a good choice and then remember how awesome and special he was. Never stop talking abt him, never forget him and honor his memory. A friend who had regret over her pet living too long (in addition to everyone’s sharing here) helped me to come up with this...
You either wait to long and your pet suffers and you get confirmation and comfort of knowing it’s time - but then they’ve suffered
OR
You make the choice earlier and they don’t suffer but you always wonder what if you had waited longer.
There is no winning, there is no perfect timing.
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Posts: 38
Reply with quote  #18 
Dear Meg,

Your post above hit home with me via many of your recent statements.

"Thank you, everyone sharing here has been immensely helpful."

I concur. It is somehow comforting to know that we are not alone in our grief.

"I’m reconciling the fact that not one single person has ever felt “at peace” abt putting their little one to sleep even if they think it’s right, it doesn’t ever feel right. There’s no circumstance where that is the case."

The only times it seems like people who have made that choice do not experience regret, guilt and 2nd guess themselves in an endless loop in their minds, is where the animal was literally at the very end of it's life and suffering on a catastrophic level. Either suddenly, or they were sadly allowed to completely deteriorate. 

"I wanted to call the vet and go through the scenarios mostly to have him tell me I made a very fair choice, but that comes w the risk of him saying something that will make me anxious or guilty. "

I thought the EXACT same thing. And I don't trust any of the 5 Vets whom I paid to try and save my boy. Which makes it even more risky to speak to them again.

"Then I thought, well if my little one is dead and it’s mt fault, I deserve to suffer w the truth, that’s fair. A friend told me to wait until some of the emotions have calmed which I think is smart. It’s been 5 days."

I don't know if you can truly trust your Vet either. This is just my opinion. And I have read many messages, comments, posts etc. that support my opinion / position. Your Vet could say or claim ANYTHING. It matters not their opinion at this point IMO. Although I have considered gathering all of my cats medical records over the past 3 years and collating them, with Vet visit dates, medications, symptoms, his X-rays, Ultrasound recording, blood work etc. with a Vet to see their total opinion when reviewing everything together. But again, probably a waste of time. It is too late now to alter history.

"Debating calling tomorrow. The horror of the final moments often flashes in my head and I tried to go there the first couple days, thinking that confronting it would help me process it. It sometimes helps and sometimes kills me."

I feel the exact same way as you do. : (

"Today I’ve tried to distract myself bc as we all know, life doesn’t frickin stop and you still have to work and deal w life, so I let myself be distracted. I could be addicted to that and try to bury it but I don’t think that’s healthy and it’s not fair to my little guy. I want to hold onto those final moments bc they were so significant-horrible but significant and it feels like an injustice to not sit w them. My husband thinks I’m torturing myself."

Sadly I don't trust the handful of people who are still in my life either. They are a little more distant and cold than me. I don't think they have ever experienced the depth of love that we had for our lost ones. They either did or would have, advised me to never have even adopted my cat in the first place. As my life was so difficult when our paths (my cat & I's) crossed when did. But he saved my life and I saved his. Numerous times.

"I feel like it’s the responsibility we bear as the decision maker. If I can’t make peace w it, then I shouldn’t have peace."

Again, I concur with your thoughts. I will take this pain and suffering, if it means my Lad Marmalade (the cat) does not have to any longer. BRING IT! Even if it KILLS ME!

"I’m working on this, I promise. Been trying to get into a therapist, but of course that’s like a 2-6 week wait."

As I have posted, I almost went to the ER of a local psychiatric hospital the other afternoon as I felt I was being driven insane with guilt, remorse, regret and grief. I had to steady myself against a book shelf the other day I was so overwhelmed. It almost knocked me to my knees.

"Been leaning on allllll of my support people rehashing all of it continually trying to make sense of it."

Same here. And I know they simply do not want to hear it anymore and do not understand.

"Thank goodness for this group or I think I would have killed all my friends and family’s patience."

Again I agree. Thank God for this group. It is a true blessing!

"The house is weirdly quiet without him and I think I see him around every corner."

Same here, the warehouse where Marmalade and I resided is eerily quiet. A place of no shadows and complete emptiness. 

"Had one dream that woke me because it felt so real that he was there crying to jump in my lap. I hate not crying and suffering bc then it feels like the loss and his life are meaningless (I know rationally this is not true) but it doesn’t seem right to laugh and smile and be normal. Like my suffering makes his death more meaningful. "

Again, I relate and concur. 

"Why are brains dumb? I sure don’t complain abt stupid things anymore, like traffic - well that’s a lot better than what happened Saturday, where I had to euthanize my cat, puts things in perspective.

Again, a logical deduction. And "why are brains dumb?" That is a question for the ages!

"I still wake up anxious but not in a panic. I feel bad I didn’t cry hardly at all today - kept myself distracted. I don’t want to be over him bc that’s not fair. I also don’t want to suffer bc it sucks."

I unfortunately wake up in shock. I apologize to his ashes throughout the night. I can not believe that I made the final choice that I did. I wonder if I should have just allowed him more time? if he would have recovered? started to eat and drink again? He may still be here with me! I am in SHOCK at my choice. I, unfortunately, have been balling my eyes out at random. A 57 year old man, becomes a blithering idiot.

"Oh and let’s not forget the hours of searching I did online and am now an expert in everything to do w feline UTI, PU surgery, enlarged bladders, kidney function etc. literally scouring the web for confirmation that my little guy was not going to get better and I made the right choice."

Me too. You are describing my life currently. Hour after hour researching. I could lecture on medical topic's relating to cats & dogs. Point out the numerous errors Marmalade's 5 Vets made. Cross reference individual case history's against published studies & essays. Point out how many websites are corporate sponsored and come up first on search engines, that can NOT be trusted. But again..all TOO LATE. I should have studied cat anatomy. I was just too exhausted to think straight after months, and years of nursing my cat. I was punchy. I wasn't thinking straight to cross reference. I hadn't dug deep enough on ALL the symptoms, topics and treatments. I should have become a near Vet to try and save his life.

"I’d say a lot of the info points that way esp bc he was so old but then there’s the articles that show how fixable it can be - off to the races again in horror and despair. Then find an article that validates he’ll have ongoing problems and finally solace. Back and forth and back and forth. "

I concur. Spot on analysis. You are describing my thoughts and experiences exactly.

"Another friend suggested I might be focusing on the circumstances to avoid grieving. Fair point. I justify that I just want more facts and info. But none of it changes the outcome."

I disagree with your friend. I think you are trying to fully understand and grasp those circumstances regarding the fate of your beloved and validate your choice.

"I have to live w my choice, hope it was a good choice and then remember how awesome and special he was. Never stop talking abt him, never forget him and honor his memory."

Yes. But I am very afraid that my severe grief, regret, remorse and sorrow will somehow become omnipresent in my mind, when it comes to thinking of my boy. That all of those emotions will somehow block out, erase or over-record some of the good memories I have of him. I have to be mindful of that and try and think of the good times. Strengthen and re-boot THOSE memories.

"A friend who had regret over her pet living too long (in addition to everyone’s sharing here) helped me to come up with this...


You either wait to long and your pet suffers and you get confirmation and comfort of knowing it’s time - but then they’ve suffered 
OR
You make the choice earlier and they don’t suffer but you always wonder what if you had waited longer. 
There is no winning, there is no perfect timing."

This is SPOT ON. It is so TRUE. Thank you for sharing that wisdom. It is the sacrifice we make, that we will never know. A curse for us, but possibly a blessing to those we chose to end the suffering for. 
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