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Jenniferhiggs1221

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Reply with quote  #16 
Just checking in on you to see how u r feeling..im still going back and forth with my feelings on it. I feel like one day im able to smile or joke again and then the next im mad and angry and cant stop thinking about what my baby went through and it tears me right back apart again..i wanna feel a little better sometimes and then again im not ready to feel better because of the way things happened wih him in the end and the decision i had to make for him which drives me insane and i know that guilt will always be there
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MegP

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Reply with quote  #17 
Thank you, everyone sharing here has been immensely helpful. I’m reconciling the fact that not one single person has ever felt “at peace” abt putting their little one to sleep even if they think it’s right, it doesn’t ever feel right. There’s no circumstance where that is the case. I think without realizing it, I thought it could be that way and I was angry it wasn’t for me, but I’ve come to realize it’s universal. I wanted to call the vet and go through the scenarios mostly to have him tell me I made a very fair choice, but that comes w the risk of him saying something that will make me anxious or guilty. Then I thought, well if my little one is dead and it’s mt fault, I deserve to suffer w the truth, that’s fair. A friend told me to wait until some of the emotions have calmed which I think is smart. It’s been 5 days. Debating calling tomorrow. The horror of the final moments often flashes in my head and I tried to go there the first couple days, thinking that confronting it would help me process it. It sometimes helps and sometimes kills me. Today I’ve tried to distract myself bc as we all know, life doesn’t frickin stop and you still have to work and deal w life, so I let myself be distracted. I could be addicted to that and try to bury it but I don’t think that’s healthy and it’s not fair to my little guy. I want to hold onto those final moments bc they were so significant-horrible but significant and it feels like an injustice to not sit w them. My husband thinks I’m torturing myself. I feel like it’s the responsibility we bear as the decision maker. If I can’t make peace w it, then I shouldn’t have peace. I’m working on this, I promise. Been trying to get into a therapist, but of course that’s like a 2-6 week wait. Been leaning on allllll of my support people rehashing all of it continually trying to make sense of it. Thank goodness for this group or I think I would have killed all my friends and family’s patience. The house is weirdly quiet without him and I think I see him around every corner. Had one dream that woke me because it felt so real that he was there crying to jump in my lap. I hate not crying and suffering bc then it feels like the loss and his life are meaningless (I know rationally this is not true) but it doesn’t seem right to laugh and smile and be normal. Like my suffering makes his death more meaningful. Why are brains dumb? I sure don’t complain abt stupid things anymore, like traffic - well that’s a lot better than what happened Saturday, where I had to euthanize my cat, puts things in perspective. I still wake up anxious but not in a panic. I feel bad I didn’t cry hardly at all today - kept myself distracted. I don’t want to be over him bc that’s not fair. I also don’t want to suffer bc it sucks. Oh and let’s not forget the hours of searching I did online and am now an expert in everything to do w feline UTI, PU surgery, enlarged bladders, kidney function etc. literally scouring the web for confirmation that my little guy was not going to get better and I made the right choice. I’d say a lot of the info points that way esp bc he was so old but then there’s the articles that show how fixable it can be - off to the races again in horror and despair. Then find an article that validates he’ll have ongoing problems and finally solace. Back and forth and back and forth. Another friend suggested I might be focusing on the circumstances to avoid grieving. Fair point. I justify that I just want more facts and info. But none of it changes the outcome. I have to live w my choice, hope it was a good choice and then remember how awesome and special he was. Never stop talking abt him, never forget him and honor his memory. A friend who had regret over her pet living too long (in addition to everyone’s sharing here) helped me to come up with this...
You either wait to long and your pet suffers and you get confirmation and comfort of knowing it’s time - but then they’ve suffered
OR
You make the choice earlier and they don’t suffer but you always wonder what if you had waited longer.
There is no winning, there is no perfect timing.
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #18 
Dear Meg,

Your post above hit home with me via many of your recent statements.

"Thank you, everyone sharing here has been immensely helpful."

I concur. It is somehow comforting to know that we are not alone in our grief.

"I’m reconciling the fact that not one single person has ever felt “at peace” abt putting their little one to sleep even if they think it’s right, it doesn’t ever feel right. There’s no circumstance where that is the case."

The only times it seems like people who have made that choice do not experience regret, guilt and 2nd guess themselves in an endless loop in their minds, is where the animal was literally at the very end of it's life and suffering on a catastrophic level. Either suddenly, or they were sadly allowed to completely deteriorate. 

"I wanted to call the vet and go through the scenarios mostly to have him tell me I made a very fair choice, but that comes w the risk of him saying something that will make me anxious or guilty. "

I thought the EXACT same thing. And I don't trust any of the 5 Vets whom I paid to try and save my boy. Which makes it even more risky to speak to them again.

"Then I thought, well if my little one is dead and it’s mt fault, I deserve to suffer w the truth, that’s fair. A friend told me to wait until some of the emotions have calmed which I think is smart. It’s been 5 days."

I don't know if you can truly trust your Vet either. This is just my opinion. And I have read many messages, comments, posts etc. that support my opinion / position. Your Vet could say or claim ANYTHING. It matters not their opinion at this point IMO. Although I have considered gathering all of my cats medical records over the past 3 years and collating them, with Vet visit dates, medications, symptoms, his X-rays, Ultrasound recording, blood work etc. with a Vet to see their total opinion when reviewing everything together. But again, probably a waste of time. It is too late now to alter history.

"Debating calling tomorrow. The horror of the final moments often flashes in my head and I tried to go there the first couple days, thinking that confronting it would help me process it. It sometimes helps and sometimes kills me."

I feel the exact same way as you do. : (

"Today I’ve tried to distract myself bc as we all know, life doesn’t frickin stop and you still have to work and deal w life, so I let myself be distracted. I could be addicted to that and try to bury it but I don’t think that’s healthy and it’s not fair to my little guy. I want to hold onto those final moments bc they were so significant-horrible but significant and it feels like an injustice to not sit w them. My husband thinks I’m torturing myself."

Sadly I don't trust the handful of people who are still in my life either. They are a little more distant and cold than me. I don't think they have ever experienced the depth of love that we had for our lost ones. They either did or would have, advised me to never have even adopted my cat in the first place. As my life was so difficult when our paths (my cat & I's) crossed when did. But he saved my life and I saved his. Numerous times.

"I feel like it’s the responsibility we bear as the decision maker. If I can’t make peace w it, then I shouldn’t have peace."

Again, I concur with your thoughts. I will take this pain and suffering, if it means my Lad Marmalade (the cat) does not have to any longer. BRING IT! Even if it KILLS ME!

"I’m working on this, I promise. Been trying to get into a therapist, but of course that’s like a 2-6 week wait."

As I have posted, I almost went to the ER of a local psychiatric hospital the other afternoon as I felt I was being driven insane with guilt, remorse, regret and grief. I had to steady myself against a book shelf the other day I was so overwhelmed. It almost knocked me to my knees.

"Been leaning on allllll of my support people rehashing all of it continually trying to make sense of it."

Same here. And I know they simply do not want to hear it anymore and do not understand.

"Thank goodness for this group or I think I would have killed all my friends and family’s patience."

Again I agree. Thank God for this group. It is a true blessing!

"The house is weirdly quiet without him and I think I see him around every corner."

Same here, the warehouse where Marmalade and I resided is eerily quiet. A place of no shadows and complete emptiness. 

"Had one dream that woke me because it felt so real that he was there crying to jump in my lap. I hate not crying and suffering bc then it feels like the loss and his life are meaningless (I know rationally this is not true) but it doesn’t seem right to laugh and smile and be normal. Like my suffering makes his death more meaningful. "

Again, I relate and concur. 

"Why are brains dumb? I sure don’t complain abt stupid things anymore, like traffic - well that’s a lot better than what happened Saturday, where I had to euthanize my cat, puts things in perspective.

Again, a logical deduction. And "why are brains dumb?" That is a question for the ages!

"I still wake up anxious but not in a panic. I feel bad I didn’t cry hardly at all today - kept myself distracted. I don’t want to be over him bc that’s not fair. I also don’t want to suffer bc it sucks."

I unfortunately wake up in shock. I apologize to his ashes throughout the night. I can not believe that I made the final choice that I did. I wonder if I should have just allowed him more time? if he would have recovered? started to eat and drink again? He may still be here with me! I am in SHOCK at my choice. I, unfortunately, have been balling my eyes out at random. A 57 year old man, becomes a blithering idiot.

"Oh and let’s not forget the hours of searching I did online and am now an expert in everything to do w feline UTI, PU surgery, enlarged bladders, kidney function etc. literally scouring the web for confirmation that my little guy was not going to get better and I made the right choice."

Me too. You are describing my life currently. Hour after hour researching. I could lecture on medical topic's relating to cats & dogs. Point out the numerous errors Marmalade's 5 Vets made. Cross reference individual case history's against published studies & essays. Point out how many websites are corporate sponsored and come up first on search engines, that can NOT be trusted. But again..all TOO LATE. I should have studied cat anatomy. I was just too exhausted to think straight after months, and years of nursing my cat. I was punchy. I wasn't thinking straight to cross reference. I hadn't dug deep enough on ALL the symptoms, topics and treatments. I should have become a near Vet to try and save his life.

"I’d say a lot of the info points that way esp bc he was so old but then there’s the articles that show how fixable it can be - off to the races again in horror and despair. Then find an article that validates he’ll have ongoing problems and finally solace. Back and forth and back and forth. "

I concur. Spot on analysis. You are describing my thoughts and experiences exactly.

"Another friend suggested I might be focusing on the circumstances to avoid grieving. Fair point. I justify that I just want more facts and info. But none of it changes the outcome."

I disagree with your friend. I think you are trying to fully understand and grasp those circumstances regarding the fate of your beloved and validate your choice.

"I have to live w my choice, hope it was a good choice and then remember how awesome and special he was. Never stop talking abt him, never forget him and honor his memory."

Yes. But I am very afraid that my severe grief, regret, remorse and sorrow will somehow become omnipresent in my mind, when it comes to thinking of my boy. That all of those emotions will somehow block out, erase or over-record some of the good memories I have of him. I have to be mindful of that and try and think of the good times. Strengthen and re-boot THOSE memories.

"A friend who had regret over her pet living too long (in addition to everyone’s sharing here) helped me to come up with this...


You either wait to long and your pet suffers and you get confirmation and comfort of knowing it’s time - but then they’ve suffered 
OR
You make the choice earlier and they don’t suffer but you always wonder what if you had waited longer. 
There is no winning, there is no perfect timing."

This is SPOT ON. It is so TRUE. Thank you for sharing that wisdom. It is the sacrifice we make, that we will never know. A curse for us, but possibly a blessing to those we chose to end the suffering for. 
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Wileykitten

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Reply with quote  #19 
MegP.. Your story resonates with me and I am feeling how desperately sad you are and must have been in that moment. I'm so sorry you had to face that and the way you remember your last moments with your baby. The pain and uncertainty are unlike any other and my heart goes out to you.

Praying for peace in your soul,
Stacie
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Jcunnane

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Reply with quote  #20 
Hi MegP,

I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved kitty. I had a very similar situation as you did and had to make the decision literally over the phone and then rush to the hospital which is 45 minutes away. When we got there my Bubby was like you love and wasn’t all there. I held him, kissed him, petted him, hugged him but like you said it wasn’t the connection that I typically had with him. He just wasn’t there and maybe that was another sign that he was telling me he was ready to go. Please know I completely feel your pain and loss as do so many others on here. It’s overwhemling with devastation, guilt, sadness, anxiety and tons of what ifs. Our loves are no longer in pain and that’s the only relief I can get from this. I took on my Bubbys pain. He was my anti anxiety and I sure am feeling it now.

Hang in there and please don’t question if you did the right thing...you did. We take away the suffering and pain of our loves and put it upon ourselves so they don’t have to feel it any longer. That is unconditional love.

You’re in my thoughts...

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Bubby's (Milo) Mommy - Always & Forever My Little Man 💜

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MegP

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Reply with quote  #21 
I hear you w the back and forth ness. One day I’m celebrating his life, making meaning, celebrating old photos of him. The next is empty, sad. I really tried to confront the feelings w his final moments and think I did as well as I could w trying to make peace w it. But it’s horrific watching your loved one die when it’s not natural and peaceful, so I guess I’m just not thinking abt it. All of my friends who’ve had to do it choke up when they talk abt it too, even the ones that truly know it was the right call. It just sucks and is never easy. Still waiting to get in w a therapist to sort thru the remaining feelings and try to put this to rest in the right way so I can just focus on the happy times
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MegP

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Reply with quote  #22 
Thank you all, this forum has been immensely helpful in making sense of it all. I also went back and talked to my regular vet who I deeply respect and trust. We went through the scenarios all of the what if’s. Most everyone told me that was a bad idea in case he said something that might make me feel like there was more that could have been done. But I know me, I’m an anxious person and the stories I was writing in my head were pretty terrible. So I decided I wanted his honest opinion of the data from the ER vet. He gave it to me straight and that brought me peace. My family and friends whom I love will always protect me, this vet is honest w me. And I’d rather work on forgiving myself if I made a mistake than wondering if I did or did not. He confirmed the decision for me via the info and data I gave him. That was a huge turning point and now I’m just focusing on the amazing ness of my little Zeus. Made an album of photos, framed a photo, stored his blanket and bed so I can go smell them in the future and be reminded of him. Spending extra time spoiling and snuggling my other cat. I have dreams still and can’t wait for that to pass, occasional pangs of “what if...” but I can rationalize myself out of those now. Trying to stay present. Thank you all for sharing and empathizing. It was the hardest thing I’ve done so far in my life
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Jcunnane

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Reply with quote  #23 
Hi MegP,

I'm glad you talked to your vet and ran through all scenarios for your little one. I remember you saying you did tons of research about UTI's, PU surgery, bladder infections, enlarged kidneys. Bubby was at the end stage of CKD and in renal failure. Like you, I'm struggling with the what-ifs and researching night and day about if I could have saved him. From what I read, it would have been horrific. But then I'm plagued by the thoughts of is that what it really was. He had such a violent episode of vomiting from an antibiotic and actually at a little bit of food the night before I took him to the vet, it puts horrible thoughts in my head. I know he wasn't eating as he did. We used to say he had a kitten inside of his belly, we named it Barnabe, because he loved food so much. At the very end he wouldn't even come running for treats, he stopped grooming himself and his pupils were always so large.

I hate this feeling like you said that we had to make this decision. It kills me it really does. I hope this gets easier with time as it's only been 8 days since his passing. Sleeping has been horrible and I've been waking up at 2-230 in the morning every night. My husband said it's probably the time he would come and lay in between us. He was the world to me, my son, my rock, my soul, my love, my orange fluffy pillow. 

So lucky to have you all here. It's been comforting to be able to express my feelings while others in my life don't want to hear and it and don't understand.

Hugs,
Jackie



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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #24 

Hi Jackie,

"So lucky to have you all here. It's been comforting to be able to express my feelings while others in my life don't want to hear and it and don't understand."


I concur with you Jackie. There seems to be no one that I can speak with about what I am feeling and enduring other than here on this forum. I have to stay mum about my thoughts and feelings with everyone around me. And they knew how much I adored Marmalade.

Many of them used to see Marmalade at our gate, while watching the World and would say "hello" to him. He was actually so popular that strangers would ask me where he was, if they did not see him at our gate. People I didn't even know, such as a delivery driver.

Once I heard a little girl from next door speaking to Marmalade while I was far in the back of the warehouse. I heard this little voice: "We're sorry Marmalade" as their dog had barked at him as they walked past.

And once a stranger saw Marmalade and called him "Mr. Whiskers" and I asked him "Who is that?" and he pointed down to Marmalade. Lol. I asked Marmalade if that was "true" and proceeded to call him Mr. Whiskers for a day or two. ; )

I used to ask a local church coordinator (whom I have helped as a volunteer at their food pantry and thrift store) to please pray for Marmalade when he was ill. She was on speaker phone once and she said a prayer for Marmalade and then I heard the entire congregation of the church say "AMEN" in the background! 

The only one who has shown me real and genuine compassion in my neighborhood is a Native American Woman. She performed an ancient prayer ritual for me in her garage one night, to try and help me to heal from my guilt, grief and sorrow with burning sage, cedar & tobacco. It was very interesting and moving. I wept and wept during the ceremony. 

But for the most part, I can't show my grief, guilt, regret, sorrow and sadness. I have to hide it just in order to survive. : / 
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Jcunnane

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Reply with quote  #25 
Hi James,

I completely get it. Today I went into the office and just felt very alone. I have one coworker that will talk to me about it as she has lost a beloved dog, but the others won't ask how I'm feeling. I get it. Try not to stir up emotions. So I just hid in my office with the door shut. It was the longest day ever.

How sweet that Marmalade was the hit of the neighborhood. I'm sure he put so many smiles on faces and made their day just that much brighter. The little girl next door would have melted my heart. So thoughtful of her to be caring about your sweet Marmalade's feelings.

I'm sure when Marmalade heard someone call him Mr. Whiskers he had a look on his face "Like me, no I'm Sir Marmalade!" I love giving voices to kitties.

What a wonderful congregation to say a prayer for Marmalade. I bet that warmed your heart.

I've always been interested in the ancient prayer rituals. I'm sure I would have been crying with you if I was there. Everything about my little man is making me cry so I could only imagine. I hope if provided a sense of relief.

It's really hard in this world. I feel like there are so many people disconnected to the feelings of others and just invested in technology and phones. Face to face conversations are rare. Everyone seems to be worried about their own issues and not interested in how others feels. It's something that has really hit me hard. It's sad what the world is coming to and like you I have to hide how I feel to just get by. Like today, all I wanted to do was cry but I couldn't. It's not proper to show your feelings or cry at work. So I had to bottle them up and wait til the work day was done until I could release everything I've been feeling all day. I wish it was different.



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