Yesterday my 13 year old kitty passed. She had FIP, I had known for some time that she was going to pass away soon. Part of me feels soooo relieved that she is not uncomfortable now. Part of me feels so sad. And then part of me feels very guilty. 

The vet had been out of town, and the day she came back I touched base with them and said its time. So we scheduled the appointment for the following afternoon. I thought she would be ok for 24 hours. And she was for the first half. But then it became clear that she wasn't just sleeping, she was passing.

And I feel really really guilty that I couldn't bring myself to touch her, and basically nothing I said was sweet or soothing. It was all high pitched wailing and crying. When her sister passed a year ago I held her in my arms while she was pts, and she sighed as her body let go. This was so stressful for me. I called the vet begging them to come sooner (she passed less than two hours from when the Vet was scheduled to come). 

Anyways I feel awful that I didn't have her pts one day sooner, and that I didn't touch her or baby talk to her, and that I was freaking out. It also sucked that my two year old wouldn't let me be exclusively with her. Sigh. 

Also I just read on here somewhere that cats purr to soothe themselves when they are in pain and scared. She had the loudest and biggest purr her last week, and now I feel like a jerk for taking comfort in that. 

If someone wants to convince me that when animals pass on their own that it isn't painful, I'd like very much to believe that. I have almost come to terms with the fact that I freaked out, she probably forgave me as I had been saying goodbye and its ok for her to go for days . . . I really did try to keep quiet. 

Thanks for listening. 

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I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely kitty. What was her name?

We can't always time everything perfectly towards the end. We don't want them to suffer, and we do our best, but we can't know everything It is the hardest thing we will ever have to do I think. And usually by that stage we are exhausted, and hurting beyond description.
Your lovely girl KNEW how much you loved her, for all the years you shared, and the thousands of good things. It is also possible that at the end, her consciousness wasn't fully functioning, so things that happened could have seemed very far away to her. Please don't forget how much love there always was between you. That is what she will take with her. And when they pass into spirit their pain is gone and they are free, and love shines very big in their hearts.
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer

Misty's life after death:
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Thank you. Her conscious did not seem to be there at all. That is part of what unhinged me. When I Iooked in her eyes she seemed dead already.

Her name was Snowball (one of my least favourite names I ever gave a cat, no offense to people that love the name). But I had a ton of nonsense nicknames that I called her by instead. :)

Surprisingly the guilt is letting up. And now I mostly just miss her. She was a talker and I miss meowing back at her. And I miss rubbing her belly until she blissed out with her paws kneading the air. She was a beautiful snowshoe and miss this marking on her side that was like a giant polka-dot.

Anyways, thank you for reading and responding. Reading others stories and feeling their grief does help tremendously.
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Dear sweet Snowball!
I had nicknames for my dog as well! I have nicknames for all the ones I love. So she was a white girl With a polka dot marking?

This is what I was thinking. Her conscious awareness connected with her body was already fading. It is possible she felt no pain right then. She would be half out of her body. There is no physical pain when out of body. I know this is true, as I have been out of body. And the only difference between that and passing away, is in passing, we don't come back. It is a very lovely, floaty, state to be in. Of course we can't see that when we are watching them, all we can see is the physical form, and their sickness. Just as if anyone had watched me when I was out of body, all they would have seen was a tired-looking woman lying on a bed.

Snowball may stay with you a while now she has left her body. She will feel pain-free, and good. Sometimes they can stay a little while, around familiar surroundings and loved ones, before moving on into the Light. Even after that, occasionally they may come back to visit. Often in a dream, we will sense them. Though sometimes when we are awake.

Snowball will be alright, and the love has not died. My dog showed me the truth of these things after her passing, so that isn't from my imagination.

Many blessings to you and her.
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer

Misty's life after death:
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Sari23 - I believe God intervenes in the death of animals as a buffer to their sting of death.  Unlike humans, precious animals have never sinned against HIM.  Therefore, I choose to believe that as HIS creations, HE does not allow their suffering to be as great as we may think.  When my beloved cat Breeze was ran over last Sunday morning, I became ill to think he felt pain and I wasn't there to comfort him.  After much prayer and searching in scripture, I am now very confident that our pets pass much more peacefully than people do.  I have seen pets with disease and long-term illness - they are much more graceful about it than us humans will ever be.  That is one reason I believe God's mercy  toward HIS furry creations at their passing can offer us comfort.

You will be in my prayers.
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Olivia, I really like what you wrote. It is beautifulandverycomforting, thank you,
gayle zigmund
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Dear Sari -

So sorry to hear about Snowball passing. As you probably remember I also lost my wondeful 14 months old Russian Blue Luca to FIP. Last Saturday was exactly 2 weeks....

This illness is so dreadful!!!! It pulls every emotion out of your body and soul. Everything happens so fast that you just don't know what hits you.

Luca was ill for 25 days... During that time there were days he was doing so well ... I though he was going to make and there were 2 other days when I thought it was the end ... Made the decision to allow him to crossed and by the time we made it to the Vet he "perked" up and the Vet told us it was not his time....

I was blessed with the flexibility of being able to be with him ALL the time... Put my own life and professional obligations on hold for those few weeks but you as a MOM of a two year old... Thats impossible!

I truly believe Snowball knew you did everything you could and as Olivia so eloquently explained in her post - I also believe animals when they passed don't sufffer like humans most of the time do. All animals are pure!!! They haven't sinned so they are allowed to passed more peacefully.

God allow us to borrow them for a little while so we can learn from them....Unconditional love! Infinite gratefulness among other things....

One more thing... Please keep in mind the " wailling/crying" is most likely related to the neurological simptoms. This descasting disease attacks their brain as well.... Making the kitties to walk, communicate, vocalized differently.

On the final few hours we were blessed with a great Vet who was willing to discuss with me Luca's different behaviour and his eyes (the pupils were so dilated! ---- I knew then his body was shutting down) and then once it become clear that time has come... She met us at the Clinic at 10:30 p..m. to help us with this last process.

We were very lucky we had the assistance needed.... We were bleesed finding not only a great Vet but most importantly a great "soul" who deeply cared for her "patient".... To make hersfelf available 24/7... That type of dedication is rare.

The other 6 Vets we saw since Luca got ill ... Didn't care enough about him nor my own emotions dealing with this fatal diagnosis. They only saw him and fhe "cat with the death sentence" and the "crazy owner who wants answers".

I'm sure Snowball and Luca are playing together and "comparing notes" about what happened to them.... So sudden they found themselves crossing over and found themselved watching us crying so much for them....

Hopefully you will find peace and comfort as you read all these posts... We are not alone!!!

Let's pray for a cure to FIP so no more families experience what you, I and so many others unfortunately know so well.

Maria ---- Luca' Mom
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