KarenK Show full post »
Kingfan
Karen: I thought about you and your Petey all day yesterday and this morning, and yes, we share the same feelings for our boys. I can literally feel the love you have for Petey through your words. I often called Dylan my little boy. In fact some people that didn't know me very well thought he was a human boy, but then he sort of was to me. Mornings and late nights are the hardest for me as that, too, was our special time together. And I keep torturing myself with all of the "what ifs..." What if I had kept Dylan on his diet instead of the food and treats he loved so much? Did we make the right decision to keep him out of pain? Could the outcome have been different? I just don't know the answers. I know I was blessed to have 15 years with him, but then it's never enough, is it?
As you said, I pray that we will feel some relief soon, even if just a little. I am suppose to return to work tomorrow and back to my weekly routine, but it's so hard when your whole world has been turned upside down and my anxiety is through the roof. Truth be told, Dylan was my port in the storm. He relaxed me, made me laugh, kept me calm and sane...the unconditional love.
I can say what has helped me the most, so far, is being able to "talk" with so many wonderful, loving souls on here, who know exactly how I'm feeling. It makes me feel that I am not alone. I still haven't had any "real" food, ( just a bite here & there), and some broken sleep, so my goal for today is to maybe have a meal. (Baby steps.) Sleep is the hardest for me because I wake up and the realization hits me all over again, that my boy is not laying beside my bed the way he always did. Makes my heart break all over again. (Sigh.)
My thoughts and prayers are with you, Karen, and yes, maybe (I hope and pray) we will start to feel a little normalcy sometime soon.
In the meantime, I'm here, my friend.

Angie
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KarenK
Keep trying to eat, I had to force it but it helped. I would fix something and then take a bite and not want any more, but I'd come back to it a little later and eat a bit more, and so on until I finished what seemed like an appropriate amount. 

I, too, just want to feel normal again. This is only day 3 I think, but this morning was a little worse than yesterday, I think. But I have been able to knit and read a little. I'm seeing that part of my mind is in denial... this is temporary, Petey will be back again. Maybe that's the brain's way of protecting us a little. I had the vet tech take a picture of me holding Petey that last morning. I look at it a few times a day. I don't know if I should. He looks good... he wasn't sick that long, so it didn't take its toll. But I can see the pain and concern on his face and in his eyes. It makes me sad but comforts me at the same time. Yes, there was a beautiful little dog who you loved, and who loved you, more than imaginable. I would give anything to have him back. 

I hope you are doing well on your first day back to work. And yes, I'm praying for comfort for us, and that normalcy that seemed so... normal and boring... just days ago, and that I'd now give anything for. 

I'm here for you, too. We'll make it through this.

Karen
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camunki
Hi Karen, feeling normal again will take time, it takes steps, alot of steps. I am glad you are able to knit and read a little, I am also glad that the vet tech took a picture of you and Petey that last morning, I would cherish that pictured. I have a few on my phone of my Munki in her last "hours" and I am just glad i have that picture knowing that she & i were connected during the very last moments of her life. Geeee, i am getting tears now as I write this, and I am going on 5 weeks of grieving. So yes the tears will come and go. And after i took 3 sick days off from work, when my Munki first passed away it did help, and going back to work wasn't as bad as I though, cuz it kept my mind busy, and pre occupied, the tears and sadness came when i went home at nite, that was my grieving time.

Wishing you a peaceful day...

Cam

Cam


 
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anniebvd
camunki wrote:
Karen so sorry for the loss of your Petey....I am glad you were able to spend your last hour with your boy, he will always remember that. Petey is now safe and in no pain, your guardian angel.

Having pancreatitis and a tumor that is awful.

I know too well, all my dogs in the past (4 of them) all passed away due to mainly cancer or pneumonia........and sometimes that cancer creeps up too fast too soon.

You did all you could for your lil; Petey and it will take time to grieve, a long time, thur all the tears, the guilt, etc....take things
one day at a time, one hour at a time. Feel your feelings & know this site is surrounded by loving caring folks who truly know
how it feels to have a pet and then lose them.

Cam
Ann
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anniebvd
I'm so sorry for your loss.  I just signed up to this forum because I'm having difficulty dealing with the sudden loss of my Peek a poo, Lucy.
She was killed after escaping from the groomer on December 16th.  We had been taking her to this groomer for a year now and I was on my way to pick her up when, because of their negligence, she escaped.  The sadness has been unbearable.  She would have been 10 in February. I'm now dealing with the insurance company representing the groomer and trying to force changes there, so NO ONE ever suffers a preventable loss like ours. 

Ann
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Joyboys
Karen, just be gentle and do eat a little when you can. When we grieve, our bodies respond as if we are actually sick, and so we need to take care of ourselves as if we are. Comforting, soothing , nutritive foods will help you as you grieve.  
You will slowly make it through, but try not to push yourself to feel normal. Just grieve. Mourn. I needed an herbal relaxant to get through the sudden shock, and it made a big difference and helped a lot. I used valerian root to try to sleep through the night without waking too  much. I am getting a little better but I still feel I am in denial. 

Being here helps so much. We are animal lovers and we all understand the pain of this loss. It keeps in perspective the courage it takes to love and let go of animals whose lives are so different from our own. Life is fragile and beautiful. Grief is not just pain -  Your grief honors Petey's life and love. I send my deepest condolences to you. 


"The wound is the place where the light enters you."
-Rumi
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rlov60
Hi Karen, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost both om my little angels this year, four months apart. Moly went to the Bridge in July, Maxx went in December. Both of them were heartbreaking. Moly was my little Mush, such a cutie. She was 15 1/2 years old, with me for 14 years. She had been in failing health, so I knew it was coming. Maxx who is my big, handsome boy went suddenly. He was 10 1/2, and in great health. We played all day that Tuesday, decorating the Christmas tree, putting the decorations out, and four weeks ago today, at 8:35 PM, he took his last breath, with me stroking his head, laying next to him on his blanket, with his head on his pillow. I was devastated. The next day, I started a memorial page for Moly n' Maxx on this site. That was the best thing that I could have done. I still have his toys around the house, I still cry, I haven't even moved the last paper plate he licked clean for me. His two favorite pillows are still on the bed, in his spot. I am not ready to move them, yet. One day I will, but not today. This is how I cope, by coming to this site and talking about how I loved them both. I go to the candlelight prayer lighting on Monday night, I write on their memorial page, and I never forget them. I can say for me, it has gotten easier, but it will take time. Please, stay close to this site, the folks on here will help you, like they have helped me. God bless you and Petey, and TRY to remember all those good times he brought you. 

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jimmy17
Hi Karen. I know what you mean when you say you want to feel normal again. I sometimes think I`m getting there , then all of a sudden it all gets too much to try and deal with. Its been just over 3 weeks. and looking back I think Jim chose his time so well, as I had the following week off from work - I`d booked it months ago It`s as if he knew, and that I`d need that time -I think dogs know a lot more than we know. I find I`m able to eat a lot better now, but sleeping is still a no no. As he was an old boy, we always covered him with his blanket when we went to bed, his basket was my side of the bed, So I used to wake up every 2 hours or so, and I always covered him back up if it had come off him. Well I`m finding I still wake every 2 hours, then I feel the pain all over again. I suppose we`ll find that `normal` feeling more and more as time go`s on though. I find that being on this site the most helpful of all, that and writing everything down in my notebook. Its already half full of lovely memories, things that I hadn`t remembered in a long while, I`ll just be sitting here and something else pops into my head, so out comes the notebook! Take care Karen.  Jackie.xxx
J Taylor
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MissingTaco
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss of Petey.  Sounds like you two had a beautiful relationship.  

I lost my sweet boy Taco December 21st, and I'm finding it very hard to move on, but the pain has lessened a little after 2 weeks.  At first it was totally excruciating, and everything at home had me crying about Taco.  I did not want to live without him, and I just sobbed crying in disbelief.  Every morning and every night are still very painful because Taco and I had our routine too.  I accidentally dropped a noodle on the floor last night when I was eating dinner, and left it there a sec thinking Taco will eat it, and then suddenly realized he's not here to eat it and picked it up.  :(

It is hard to adjust to life without our loved one, but I hope that you will be able to keep busy and keep your mind occupied.  The thing that keeps me going is the hope of me seeing Taco again in Heaven and I look forward to that day.  

I send you my hugs and condolences XX
Donielle Taco's Mom
*I love you forever my sweet Taco Beavy*
 
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KarenK
It's been worse today than yesterday, in some ways. But I am eating more easily. I was able to lie on my bed upstairs in the afternoon and relax, but not fall asleep. I'm sleeping better, but not long enough. I woke at 1:30 this morning and never fell back asleep. When this wears off I'll probably sleep for a week. I feel like I'm going nuts. One minute I'm heartsick and crying. A little while late I found myself thinking I should get another dog. Then back to grief. When I was drowsing on my bed this afternoon, I dreamed of hugging a beautiful German shepherd, and then walking with it in the park. I felt disloyal to Petey, and griefstricken all over again. Then in denial, it's all temporary, and things will be back to normal soon... normal being with Petey. I suppose this is normal... my brain trying to find some way to deal with the pain and loss. I'm just going with the flow and trying not to judge myself... Petey wouldn't. 

I found a picture my grandson drew of Petey right after I first got him. Petey was laying on his back in the playpen I used to keep him in. He used to lay on his back and wiggle around, begging for a tummy rub, and than't how Mikel drew him. I'm glad I saved it, it helps me remember how funny and cute and full of love he was right from the beginning. He was a good jumper, too. He learned how to jump out of the playpen in a few days. 

Jackie, that's weird that both our dogs somehow "chose" to leave us at a time when we would have a little space to fall apart and recover. Dogs are such amazing creatures, aren't they. Petey had a large vocabulary, understood so many words I said. Many were food-related of course. But on our walks he'd started learning "turn left" and "turn right." He loved to walk way ahead on an extendable leash, and that way he'd know which way I wanted us to go. Or maybe he was just intuiting what I wanted... they do that, too. 

I guess the sleep takes longer to repair than the eating. I hope you can start sleeping more soundly, as sleep deprivation is really debilitating. I  used to go downstairs sometimes and check on Petey, cover him up when the weather was cold. I had a couple of folded blankies on his beanbag, and he was good at using his nose to lift the edges and then snuggle under them, but often I found him uncovered and would tuck him in. 

I want to start a notebook like you. I'm just not quite ready. I think I'm going to have some prints made of my favorite photos, too, and put them in the notebook. 

Rlove60, Joyboys, Ann and Cam, thank you so much for your posts. your support here means the world to me. I'm going to respond on your own pages, if I can figure out how to do that. Joyboys, I am going to look into the valerian root... I really want to be able to sleep through the night. 

Karen


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Bahoomba
Karen,

Just want to add my voice to the choir of caring new friends. I'm going through a loss myself. Right now, I can't look at too many photos of my best friend as it's till just too painful.

You obviously had a very special relationship, and your words are very inspiring. Thank you for sharing with us, and I'm hoping and keeping my fingers crossed that you feel better, moment by moment.

Bob
NYC
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KarenK
It has been almost a month since I lost my little Petey, and I'm still heartbroken. I don't feel like I'll ever recover from his loss. A couple days after his passing, I went from being heartsick to being actually physically sick. I began feeling nauseated 24/7, with frequent heart palpitations, and unable to sleep more than an hour or two. I guess it amounted to extended panic attacks, with all the adrenaline and symptoms that come with that. In a way, it was a distraction... when I was nauseated, which was most of the time, I wasn't thinking about Petey. I wasn't able to get in to see a doctor for a week, and when I did my blood pressure was sky high, so I'm trying to focus on a healthy low-salt diet. All the walking I did to go visit Petey at the hospital caused a knee problem so I have to limit the walking, which usually soothes me. I'm doing some yoga and stretching and it is starting to help I think. All my symptoms have been gradually abating, with occasional flare-ups when I overdo physically (like shoveling snow last weekend) or stress. So I'll be ok eventually I know.

But the grief over losing Petey is still very strong. I think about him a million times a day, and feel just so sad and lonely for him. I keep thinking there must have been something I did, or should have done, that could have prevented him from getting sick, and that makes it all the worse. He's just still so present in my life... when I cut an apple I think for a minute that I need to call him for his "apple treat." When I walk in the neighborhood or park, I can almost see him walking ahead of me, sniffing at his favorite places. So many little "landmarks": his favorite place to stop and rest a minute, trails he liked to take, the place where he was scared by a big unleashed collie, and on and on. I think I miss him more when out walking than any other time.

I feel like I'm crazy to still be so overcome by grief after almost a month. Sometimes I feel like I'm not going to be able to stand it, though I know I have no choice.This is the only place where it seems like people get it, and there are people who share what I've gone through. 
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