SachisMommy
Hello everyone. Sorry if this seems sort of numb and stunted, I'm in a lot of pain and am having trouble articulating how I feel and just keep alternating between sobbing and screaming my eyes out and then going to numb.

Only hours ago, I lost one of the most important things in my entire life... my cat, Sachi. What Sachi means to me is indescribable. I'm a huge animal lover and have so intensely loved and lost many other pets in my life, but Sachi was special to me. She was the only pet I've ever had that truly felt like my very own child. We were so bonded to each other. She was elderly, around 15 - but she still acted like such a little baby. She had separation anxiety for me and whenever I was gone even for just a little, she would scream for her mommy to come back. Whenever she caught sight of me she would run to me, eager to crawl onto my tummy or nestle into my neck. Everyone always said she was never truly rested unless she was with me. My whole family always said that she was just like a child to me, from the way I would treat and hold her and the way I was so protective of her. I'd also give her so many kisses while she was asleep that I'd sometimes accidentally bother her or wake her up because she was just so cute, I could never help myself! It breaks my heart that I'll never be able to experience that again.

Sachi was found by my family when she was already old (I'd say around 9) in the backyard, so afraid of humans. It took a long time to earn her trust and get her inside. The first time she touched carpet, she jumped and was terrified of the feeling underneath her little paws. She didn't come back for 3 days after that! But sure enough, she did come back around, again and again... until she became a full on house cat! She was the most special cat in the world, not just to me, but to all of us. She was so affectionate, you wouldn't believe how much she just loved everything and everyone... all of us, all of our other cats... she just had so, so much love to give. There wasn't a grumpy bone in her body. She was the most special cat in the world and I'll never be able to find another like her.

I struggle with very intense mental illness. Sachi was one of the only things keeping me afloat and gave me the strength to go on. These past few months have been some of the worst in my entire life... I keep sinking deeper and deeper down, and I was just telling some people close to me that whenever I think it couldn't get worse, it does. I just never would have expected the newest low to be my baby being taken from me. My sweet, sweet baby... I've never loved anyone like I love her. I've never felt a connection with anyone like I do her. I feel like a part of my soul has died. I'm still having trouble processing that I'll never hear her loud meows again (she was deaf and couldn't hear herself, so more often than not sounded like she was screaming) or squeeze her little paws or rub her nose. I'll never cradle her again. I was just telling my partner that Sachi is the closest I'd ever have to a child, and now she's gone.

We found her in the garage today very cold. My mother immediately knew that she was dying and didn't want to tell me right away because she knows how close I am to Sachi. But she did tell me, and we took her to the vet, and it was over just like that. Of old age, the vet said... she was just old. I held her in a basket full of my blankets and clothes as she died. I kissed her, rubbed my face on her, told her how much I love her even though she's deaf. I've always, ALWAYS, talked to her and sang to her because I just wanted her to know that she's loved, even if she couldn't hear me. When she had passed, she looked so beautiful and cute, like she was asleep... I couldn't let her go. I started sobbing when my mom said it was time. I just keep kissing her. I kept cradling my arms around her body. I cried and kept telling the staff and my mom to be careful with her body, to treat her nicely. 

I don't know how I will recover from this. I'm sorry that this is all so convoluted, this only just happened hours ago and when I'm distressed, I have a very hard time communicating exactly what I want to say. I've never experienced heartbreak like this before. At the very least, if anything can be said, I'm glad that I could be with her in her final moments. Even while she was fading away, she nuzzled towards her mommy so she could be close to me. Though I've had pets euthanized before, I've never had the stomach to be with them as they were put to sleep. Ironic, isn't it? That the cat I love most... I knew in my heart, I had to be with, even though it would hurt to see her go. I just couldn't leave her alone and without me. I needed to be with my sweetheart so she knew that I would never abandon her, and that I loved her until the end. And I'll always, always love her. She's unforgettable and irreplaceable.

Thank you for reading this far if you did. Tomorrow we're having her cremated and I'm happy that she'll be with me in my room, physically... and I know that spiritually, she will be here too.

I miss my silly, stinky, affectionate little crybaby so much. It's going to be very, very tough to make it through this.
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Robsy
Dear SachisMommy,
I read your whole story through my tears and I am so, so sorry for your loss of your baby girl, Sachi. You loved her so much and it's heartbreaking I know. She was such a beautiful cat. I hope you have friends and family to lean on when you need support and comforting. Thinking of you, Robyn
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SachisMommy
Robsy wrote:
Dear SachisMommy, I read your whole story through my tears and I am so, so sorry for your loss of your baby girl, Sachi. You loved her so much and it's heartbreaking I know. She was such a beautiful cat. I hope you have friends and family to lean on when you need support and comforting. Thinking of you, Robyn


Hi, thank you so much for your compassion and condolences. It means a lot to me to read support from others during this dark time. 

Luckily, I do have a wonderful support system that has already been whole-heartedly helping me through this. My family, partner, and friends have all been great to me about Sachi's passing and for that I am incredibly grateful to have. It doesn't ease the pain of losing her, but to have people to lean on is far more helpful than suffering through this alone.

Thank you again for keeping me in your thoughts. xo
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blue_heart
Dear Sachi's Mommy,

I am so sorry for your loss. Your beautiful Sachi sounds so special and sweet. You were a great mommy to her. I'm so sorry for the agony you are feeling. I can relate as my baby was truly like my child as well and he loved me more than anyone else in the whole world. It's the hardest thing in the world because their love is so pure and unconditional and when they aren't here it literally feels like your heart is missing a big chunk. It hurts so much. But I promise it does get better with time. And one day you will see her again.

True love is an energy that never ends. She is still with you, and she knows how much you care. Sending love and healing prayers to comfort you during this difficult time.

Simba's mommy 


"Real love stories never have endings."

-Richard Bach
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Chenillecat
So sorry for the loss of your baby. It sounds like you gave her a wonderful life. The one thing that I am grateful about the loss of my precious  Matski is that I did not go first and leave her, she also had separation anxiety and pulled all of the fur off of her tummy. I know exactly what you are talking about with giving her kisses I would do the same thing with my Baby she would even roll on her back and give me tummy sugar. I miss her so much, this is the hardest thing that I have ever been through.  
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Susie_Squillions
Oh, your Sachi was such a beautiful little girl! I'm so sorry to hear that your time together has come to an end. I know that pain, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone in the world. 

I work in an emergency veterinary hospital at the front desk. Because we are an emergency facility, we see a higher number of end of life visits than the average wellness care clinic. I promise you that the medical staff were extremely gentle and respectful of Sachi as they prepared her for her aftercare. All of us in a vet facility understand the depth of the bonds our clients have with our patients (their pets), and it is a sacred thing to be trusted with their feelings. No one I've ever known has taken it lightly. Your vet's staff understand every emotion you were experiencing. I can't tell you how many times we, as staff, cry for what we have witnessed, how many times the animals leave our care with their fur wet with the tears of strangers (us). I know Sachi was in good hands.

My heart goes out to you at this sad time, and I wish you a gentle path to healing from your devastating loss. Thank you for giving Sachi such a lovely life while she was with you.
In one of the stars, I shall be living. In one of them, I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look at the sky at night. -- The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

All tears are healing tears.  They help to wash away our sorrow and allow the first buds of happiness to blossom in our hearts. -- Susie "Squillions"

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A fresh start after 947 posts. March 7th, 2011. I've been coming to this wonderful site since April 6, 2004.
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BSmith1199
So sorry for your loss.  I know how you feel.  They do manage to sink their hooks into our hearts, in a big way.

I think the unconditional love they give us makes losing them so much more painful.

Have hope though.  I can tell you, it does get better, but the feeling of losing them never fades.  It just manifests differently over time.

Hang in there. 
Smokey (1959-1959, car), Prissy (1966-1968, car), Tina (1955-1974, old age), Rags (1976-1980, stolen), Dax (1999-2015, my choice, due to renal failure), Shelby & Jag (2015)

You only think you are training them.  When they are gone, you finally get it.
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SachisMommy
Hi everyone, thank you all so much for your condolences and comforting words. I'm sorry that I haven't been replying actively or individually to all of you, as I'm... really having trouble processing how I feel about losing my baby. The pain of her not being with me anymore is so much that I've numbed and detached myself almost completely... I have an extreme breakdown holding a baggie of her a bit of her fur the vet gave me to me the night she passed. I held the bag sobbing and screaming for her to come back to me, telling her that I love her, to just give me a sign that she's still with me. I miss her so much. After that instance, as of now, I haven't cried again. I stay out of the room where we were always together. I think that maybe it's not sinking in fully, even though I know she's gone. I don't know how to describe this...

I feel bad because I have two other cats and I've been trying to be with them since Sachi's death, but it's... not the same. I love them, but I feel guilty for feeling like "I love you, but you're not her." They can't fill the hole inside me. I don't know... I'm sorry again, that my words are jumbled. I can't really think. But I wanted to post something regardless to thank you all for your support... I've read all your responses and they've touched and comforted me.
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