doglover

I had to have my 13 (?) year old Beagle, Mr. Max, euthanized on December 7.  He had arthritis, canine cognitive dysfunction, and was probably losing his sight and/or hearing.  He fought the euthanize so all I have are unpleasant memories of the event.  I know that he is in a better place but I just cannot get over the fact that I caused his death.  I cry all the time, can't sleep, and am now drinking to try and ease my pain.  I think about joining him all the time even though I have three other dogs who are depending on me.  I don't think I will ever be able to get over this.  I have no family and no money to get any help for this depression.  What can I do?

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misscandy77
I know how you are feeling.  I lost my dog Chloe on Sunday.  She was only 6.
I was already being treated for depression and now I'm afraid this will push me over the edge.  I feel like I need to vomit every second.  I can't stop crying and did not go into work at all this week.  I have lost pets before, but never like this, never so young.  Random medical mystery. She is fine one day, gone the next.  I live alone and am so lonely and sad.  The emptiness is echoing and everywhere I turn I expect to see her at my feet.  I know what you mean about seeing the last moments.  All I can see is the vet doing CPR and she has a tube down her throat but I am too late to say goodbye. I just have to believe that I am strong enough to get past it, and time will heal the wounds.  I pray the same for you.  I've been looking for grief hotlines or free counseling, only online so far, haven't had the nerve to call.  There are resources. Do a search and hang in there.  Take comfort in the dogs you have and write and write and write your feelings if there is no family to listen.
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Dee
Hi DogLover,

I too know your pain.  I had to make the decision to put one of my collies to sleep earlier this summer and just yesterday lost my little Westie girl, very suddenly, no warning. 

I stumbled across this article about dealing with the guilt.  One sentence grabbed my attention and rings so true...

Pet owners who "don't care" will never experience the pangs of guilt. Only caring, responsible pet owners go through this agony.

Here's a link to the full article.  http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

Continue reaching out, there are a lot of people here that share your pain.  Time will heal us all. 

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Dee
you are most welcome, misscandy.  i'm glad it gave you a bit of comfort.  and it was directed at you, just not on this post.  I had actually posted this same link on one the threads started by you.  Our stories are very similar.  My little Chloe just passed yesterday.
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sebas19
Hello doglover,  I am also relatively new here and know exactly how you feel.  I lost my beautiful Beauty on the 24th at 945 a.m.  She had a terminal disease-cancer of the liver.  The vet gave her six months and she lasted a year because of her unbelievable will to live.  I had to put her to sleep because she was in pain.  She stopped eating and lost alot of weight.  I have felt so guilty because of having to put her to sleep.  She left me very fast, even before the procedure was finished.  I was devastated and even felt that I had waited too long to let her go.  She was definitely ready to pass.  I wished throughout the last 2 months that she would cross over at home with me at her side, but this was not to be.  I have never felt this grief and pain.  She was my only friend, my only love. She was 16 years by my side and she gave me so much love.   Her passing has left a hole in my heart which I don't know if I would ever be able to fill again.  I cannot stop crying.  I even call her at nights when I most miss her, my only companion, to give me a sign that she is by my side.  I understand you so well..really, the pain is unbearable sometimes.  You are so lucky to have two more furry friends, their love  will surely give you strength.   
I know that I have to go on, so i have decided to volunteer at the animal shelter/humane society to care for the less fortunate furry friends there which have no one to love them and perhaps never had anyone to care for them.  There is nothing better to heal a broken heart than to help others less fortunate.  In terms of emotional support, just know that there are many pet lovers that are going through the same grief as you.  I was lucky to find this site, it has been very healing to read other stories and to participate in the grief support chat room.
Do take care, Mr. Max is in a better place wiht my Beauty.
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