amandafraz
Hello, I'm new to the forum.
I'm not sure what to write... I have 3 cats, well I guess now I have 2 cats. Tuesday morning my youngest died.

I feel so much guilt and shame for not doing more for him. He was about 12 years old, a Maine Coon & his name was Bartleby. 
2 years ago the vet they said he might have intestinal lymphoma. 1 year later they said it could be IBD, I opted to not do the biopsy because he wasn't having issues and seemed happy/healthy.

About 2 weeks ago he started having loose stools, outside the box so I took him to the vet. They said it was colitis and gave him B12 and fluids. They wanted to run and ultrasound to look for lymphoma - I told (reminded) them of the previous results & they made me feel awful - as though I was refusing simply because of money & said "Well if he's not worth it then there's not much we can do".

I started feeding him chicken & rice but after a few days he seemed worse so I took him for a 2nd opinion. The new vet said, again, it was colitis. She gave him antibiotics, something to help him want to eat & said she wasn't sure testing would help, he seemed to have a food allergy. I got him another new food which he started eating.

On the antibiotics his BMs got a little better, he seemed to be improving! Off the antibiotics he seemed not interested in food, became lethargic, wasn't as lovey, wouldn't eat as much. So I contacted the vet office & got a refill of the antibiotic, got baby food, A/D wet food & pedialyte. He was eating some & drinking water normally.

I was concerned because he was losing weight & not eating enough so Monday I called & made him an appointment for Tuesday (the next one they had)
That night he had a "normal" BM and then Tuesday morning I gave him some baby food which he was ate better than he had been. 
I was in the living room, heard a strange noise & ran to him, he was taking his last breaths. I told him I love him... and he was gone. Oh I hope he knows how much I love him!

I feel this heavy weight of guilt - what if I'd taken him to the emergency vet Monday? What if I'd had the tests all redone? Could I have saved him?
I feel like I failed my baby and I don't know how to reconcile that feeling... I was responsible for him & I let him down. How do I forgive myself for this?

Thanks for reading
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ricemanstm
Amanda,

First...hugs and prayers to you.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  Please, don't feel guilty.  Sometimes there are things that are beyond our control.  God gave us instincts for a reason and you followed yours.   Don't second guess yourself.  You did what you thought was best at the time.  Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20.  Hug and hold your other furbabies and know that Bartleby is healthy and strong again across the Rainbow Bridge.

Also, know you're NOT alone here.  Everyone here is going through or has gone through what you are experiencing.  You're safe here, you can talk here, and you can certainly vent here.
Stephen "Riceman" Myers
"The greatest tribute one can give a loved one is to share their life and stories with others."

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BeachieGirl33
So very sorry for your loss.  I lost my 18 year old Little kitty 7 weeks ago and it's still an open wound.  You will never get over missing them.  My heart goes out to you and I'm sending you a hug.

Betty
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winstonsmom12
Amanda  You didn't let Bartelby down.  You did everything you could, evena second opinion. I think what the vet said to you was heartless and cruel. I can't believe when I read posts of horrible vets!  My Vet told me no matter how many tests you have done, doesn't  mean the pet can be saved.

In my case, I didn't have the money for a lot of testing and my Vet understood that.  He suggested I not put Winston under anasthesia for any testing because of his age, breathing and heart.. He was 12.  I made the decision because I saw the misery in his eyes.  His quality of life had ceased.

I was responsible for My Winston, and I don't believe I let him down.  I feel I Loved him too much to let him go on the way he was.  So sorry for your loss.  Sue
Susan
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amandafraz
Thank you all for your replies, I've been crying off & on all day (for days) and these words help. I am grateful to not have had to make a decision to put him down, to have been with him and that he was at home.
I miss his furry little face so much, his personality was SO loud leaving my house so quiet. I know we're (my other kitties & me) all waiting for this to be a dream... for him to come racing up the stairs.
The guilt is suffocating, the absence is deafening & my heart is shattered. I thank you for your kindness and so sorry for the losses in your lives.
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Bailey15
Hi Amanda,
I am so sorry for your loss! I know what it's like to look back and think you should have done things differently but it is so emotionally and physically draining when you have a sick pet and you do the best you can at the time. I think in time it will be a comfort to know that you were with Bartleby at the end. He knew you were there and I am very sure he knew how much you loved him!
Thinking of you and wishing you peace. :)
MJ
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CK1991
I wanted to add my condolences on the loss of your sweet cat. I'm so sorry for tha pain you are going through. It's so hard losing a beloved pet.
My heart is with you.
CK
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