SCrane Show full post »
SCrane
It’s early and I can’t sleep. It’s the first night in almost two decades that I’m in my bed and Zoe isn’t right beside me, cuddled up to me. She’s never going to cuddle up to me again. I won’t get to kiss her little forehead. I miss her so much. It hurts.
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SCrane
My cats are my spirit animals, my little furry soulmates, the loves of my life. I lost Lenny a year ago tomorrow and lost Zoe yesterday. It’s just me and Leo now. My heart hurts so much today. I feel like I’m emptying to the point of being inside out.
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SCrane
Today is the one year anniversary of losing Lenny. I love you little one, miss you every day. I hope you and mama Zo are chasing light on the rainbow bridge. Love you and miss you both.
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SCrane
it’s been a week since Zoe died. I miss her so much but it’s so different this time. I believe being able to cuddle her through the night and be with her during her last moments made a huge difference in how the loss is affecting me. It’s like I skipped a few stages of grief. I’m sad but it’s a pure sad, no guilt or regret like when I was out of town when Lenny died. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with. Miss you my girls.
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SCrane
Had a dream where I was sitting in the comfy chair and Zoe climbed down over my shoulder. I was so excited, I kissed her little forehead, scratched her ears. I picked her up to show an old roommate who was for some reason living next door, but as soon as I carried her across the threshold of the door, Zoe turned into Leo. I let him go and dropped to my knees. I should’ve known it was too good to be true, that’s actually what I thought in the dream. I was so disappointed. It was nice to see her again and smooch her fuzzy face.
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SCrane
I had another dream about Zoe. In the dream I was asleep and having a dream and she came home, but like a ghost, but I could hold her and pet her, then in the dream I'd wake up and fully know that I was dreaming and that it wasn't real, but I couldn't wait to get back to sleep to see her again, but also I didn't want to wake up in the dream because I'd lose her all over again. It was nice to see her, and I'll always welcome her but it was also hard. I miss both my girls, Lenny and Zoe. Miss you so much.
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SCrane
Got my Zoe tattoo. I miss her so much. Sometimes it really hits me hard.
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SCrane
Chicago is under a shelter-in-place order and being stuck at home is really making me miss my girls. I wish they were here. 
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SCrane
I was with Zoe during her last breath. I’m glad I was able to be with her but sometimes her last moments and the look on her face after she died kind of haunt me. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss it. I was able to let her and tell her I love her through the end but it’s so hard. I miss her so much. And Lenny, too sometimes I swear I hear noises in places only Lenny would be. She used to jump up and play with the Christmas tree. Or stand on my desk, and I swear I hear little putter patters across that desk sometimes. I miss my girls so much. 
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SCrane

Wow. I had a dream about Lenny. I went to a friends house and she was in a tiny glass box. She was alive. She looked happy to see me. I heard her meow. I had given her to the friend to have a better life but he put her in a tiny display case. I was appalled. I took her out and she hugged me. I decided to bring her home.

 

For some reason I had to get all three cats home but I didn’t have carriers. So I had a friend watch Zoe and Lenny while I put Leo on the downtube of a step-through bicycle and rode home. I was going to come back for each of the girls but I woke up. Leo actually woke me up by meowing very loudly in my face. 

 

I didn’t get to bring the girls home. I miss them so much. 

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JulieF
So sorry about Zoe and Lenny.  Wow, I can't imagine having a dream like that.  It must have made it more real for you this morning.  I understand how you feel - I had to put down my 19 year old tuxedo boy two weeks ago.  His name was Patch.  He usually slept beside me for part of the night, but mornings he would sit on my lap and have coffee time with me.  I miss him.

I have found the pain comes in waves - much more frequent at first, then more gradual.  I think about him and sometimes I think I see him out of the corner of my eye in the house.  I talk to him and tell him I miss him.  

Hugs to you.  
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SCrane

Hugs to you as well! It’s so hard when you’ve had pets for so long. I’ve had these cat for my entire adult life. Even though Lenny passed January of 2019 I still feel so much sadness and guilt over not being with her when she died. I also feel guilt over not giving them a better life especially when I was young and irresponsible. And my Leo, my only cat left will be 18 in July. Sometimes without warning my mind wanders to losing him and I just can’t even deal with it. We are lucky to have had so long with our babies, but it’s still so hard. There is this really good analogy about grief, I think it’s called the Grief box or button. It’s the best things I’ve read about how we never really stop grieving but over time it becomes less frequent. It’s true. We never get over loss we just learn to move forward into a new life on the other side of loss. Hope you’re holding up ok with all the craziness in the world today. I’m sorry about Patch and I’m sure he’s on the Rainbow Bridge waiting for you! He sounds like he was a wonderful companion. 



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