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SummerBear2018

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Reply with quote  #1 
I just put my best friend to sleep today a few hours ago. Summer was more than a dog to me. She was my best friend and helped me enjoy every aspect of life. My heart is so shattered I can’t stop crying and can’t think straight. I love her so much and can’t believe I will wake up tomorrow and she won’t be on my bed. Hoping someone can help give some comfort on how to help with getting to acceptance. I am panicking and my heart hurts so bad.

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gayle1023

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Reply with quote  #2 
I lost my Mocha a little less than a month ago. She was my first dog and so I felt completely blindsided by the amount of grief. I couldnt eat for the first couple of days and the tears were endless. I woke up to a stabbing pain not remembering why I felt that way but the realization hits that she is no longer here. She has been by my side for almost 14 years and now, she's just gone. I bawled when I woke up, through out the day, and before bed for dayyyyys. I had to take a couple days off work because the grief was just so intense that there was no way I could focus on work or even talk to anyone without thinking of her and crying. The past month feels like a blur but the pain is at a tolerable state.

Some of the things that have helped me was venting to people who understood the pain, avoiding people that don't (they can unknowingly say hurtful things with good intention), putting up photos of her, making a video and photo album of memories, and speaking to her. When I'm out in the backyard looking up at the clouds or on the drive to and from work, speaking aloud to her actually helped me feel better and in some weird way, it feels like she's listening from wherever she is now. It even feels like she is at my side or sitting on my lap sometimes.

I still cry every day for her but I also am able to think of the happy moments Ive had with her a lot more now. Be gentle with yourself and cry your heart out each and every time you feel the urge to. Youre in so much pain for a reason. You had a very unique, caring, and loving relationship with your little one and it's one that can never be replaced. Although it may not feel like it, tears heal. You will never fully heal from the loss or get rid of pain, but allowing yourself to fully grieve when you need to does dull the intensity. You grieve as much as you love.
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SummerBear2018

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Reply with quote  #3 
Thank you so much. I am completely blindsided as well by the amount of grief. Since they told me she had a few days to live on Monday, I can’t eat/sleep/work and barely function. Today is the worst day of my life so it helps to hear you say it does get more tolerable because today is killing me. She was by my side for 12 years, through multiple cities, boyfriends. I just can’t bear to think of a day without her. I’m so sorry about your girl Mocha. Even though you cry everyday, you feel like it is tolerable? Right now the memories and stabbing me in the heart and I feel like I am going to go crazy.
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DAWN_ANGELmom

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Reply with quote  #4 
Dear Summer,
I am truly sorry for what you're going through right now.
This is a forum nobody would choose to be a part of but we're all glad it is here and it helps.

What you're experiencing is normal. We all been there. It's been over a month for me and I am still going crazy. When I first came home without Dawn I remember pacing around my living room in panic then I finally layed down on a carpet next to Dawn's mini plush house and just started crying and screaming, the tears were flowing like a river. Just wanted to stab myself in a heart it hurt so bad. I am still hurting this much but don't cry around the clock anymore.

My Dawn was my life for 14.5 years and then suddenly she is gone. Horror.

Time will help. For me crying hard, talking to all the wonderful people on here helps. I also go to a pet loss bereavement group twice a month. Drink a calming tea. Was going to go on medication for depression and anxiety but didn't. Maybe won't.

Just take it easy on yourself, cry, call in, stay in bed if you need to and come on this site a lot. Our little community here is a huge blessing in such time of need.

Your puppy is in heaven now. Talk to her. She hears you and loves you. She always will. Love never dies.


Hugs, God bless you...
Violetta, Angel and Dawn's mom
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Rookiesmama

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Reply with quote  #5 
Ginger,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know right now everything feels impossible, so please be gentle on yourself. Eventually, almost without realizing it, things will slowly begin to change and you'll be able to get through the days easier. I lost my Rookie on 7/20 and I couldn't eat or sleep. I didn't want to do anything, but the only way to stop the noise in my head was to run at the gym.... and I'm not a runner! 😂 Since I wasn't really eating, I supplemented with protein bars and shakes. It took about a month until I was able to sleep the majority of the night, and I think just because I was so exhausted. It's almost 4 months now (I can't believe it) and I cry less, but I think about my boy EVERY SINGLE DAY. 💔💜💔💜 Writing on this forum and sharing with others helped a lot, because I found everyone here just gets it. I will keep you and Summer in my thoughts. Hugs.
~Melissa, Rookie's mama
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gayle1023

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Reply with quote  #6 
Oh no, I'm sorry it was so unexpected. My situation was kind of similar in that I completely let my guard down the last month and somehow didnt see it coming.. or maybe i was in denial... idk. The pain is tolerable in a sense that I don't feel heavy grief all day long or like Im on the verge of breaking into a panic attack any second. Initally, the grief felt like it was weighing me down so much that I felt like my head wasn't straight. I just could not function and I felt so completely broken. I couldnt think of anything but that I lost her. I was oddly very aware of where my heart was because it felt like a hook was jabbed right into it with a massive weight hanging on the other side. I dont quite feel that 24/7 as I did initially. It does come back every now and then but mostly it's a dull pain. When it does come back, it feels like I'm back at day 1. It's like an endless cycle of good and bad days but I'm hoping in time, there will be more good than bad. I really thinking posting more on here will help. Im planning on doing so as well, especially during the bad days.
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SummerBear2018

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Reply with quote  #7 
Thanks gayle - it's been 24 hours and I feel exactly as you describe.... pain is intolerable, feel like I'm about to panic every second because my heart hurts so much. When I stop crying, I feel like I am a zombie and can't feel anything for a second. Her paw prints are everywhere..her nose prints are on the window. Everytime I Think about my girl not coming down the steps to me, my heart just rips with pain. How was she here 24 hrs ago at my feet and today she is gone? How is there no way to get more time? I just dont know how this is going to get better or how my next chapter of life will go on. I just want her in it so bad. I just cant wrap my head around the fact that she is gone.

I always knew I loved her so much. I didnt realize how much I needed her and depended on her everyday. This is so awful...sometimes I have to count seconds just to make time pass.

Please tell me it gets better. Is it worth getting on anti-depressants just to numb the pain? 
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PalomaSla

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Reply with quote  #8 
I lost my baby girl, Daisy Duke today as well. I am sorry for your loss. She passed away from a tumor in her spleen. It happened so suddenly. She was the sweetest kindest dog. I don’t even know what to do. I know you are in the same boat. So please know you are in my prayers and hopefully our dogs are playing together over the rainbow bridge.
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gayle1023

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Reply with quote  #9 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SummerBear2018
Thanks gayle - it's been 24 hours and I feel exactly as you describe.... pain is intolerable, feel like I'm about to panic every second because my heart hurts so much. When I stop crying, I feel like I am a zombie and can't feel anything for a second. Her paw prints are everywhere..her nose prints are on the window. Everytime I Think about my girl not coming down the steps to me, my heart just rips with pain. How was she here 24 hrs ago at my feet and today she is gone? How is there no way to get more time? I just dont know how this is going to get better or how my next chapter of life will go on. I just want her in it so bad. I just cant wrap my head around the fact that she is gone.

I always knew I loved her so much. I didnt realize how much I needed her and depended on her everyday. This is so awful...sometimes I have to count seconds just to make time pass.

Please tell me it gets better. Is it worth getting on anti-depressants just to numb the pain? 


Your thoughts are the exact thoughts that went through my mind. I kept thinking "Is this normal? Do I need professional help? Do I need medications?" I honestly think you just have to feel it 100% in order to move forward. And by move forward, I dont mean forgetting about her... I mean you can start to slowly do things other than grieving such as thinking of the good times. I was so desperate for a cure to my grief at first that I felt like I was rushing myself through the grief process. I just couldnt understand why this felt worse than losing my human family members or previous experiences with depression. I learned this grief is different.

You might benefit from the books I read that helped me out (The Loss of a Pet by William Sife that was gifted to me by Mocha's cardiologist and Signs from Pets in the Afterlife). I dont agree with everything in those books but I can say that they have helped in giving me a new and positive perspective. Rather than sulking in my negative emotions feeling like I was drowning from depression, I began to think and feel Mocha. I know that's so weird and I feel weird typing that because before all of this, I didnt believe in any type of afterlife. But I began to think, if she came to visit me in spirit form or however she can manage to do so, how would she want me to be? I truly believe we will meet our lovely companions again one day. I feel like this pain is something we just have to learn to live with but I find a bit of solace in acknowledging that. It feels this way because of how much we loved them.
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SummerBear2018

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Reply with quote  #10 
Thank you for your advice Gayle. I got those books and am trying to start them tonight. 

I am still really struggling. I picked up her ashes Friday and it was a punch to the heart again and I spent all Friday night crying until I fell asleep.

I had a dream last night that we were playing outside and then she ran in front of a car and was hit. I ran up to her and she was crying in pain in my arms until she passed away. Why would my mind let me dream that? It seems so cruel.

I am forcing myself at work to function - I have to tell myself to smile and not snap at people. I am just not myself anymore. 

I keep getting mad at myself....for not being prepared for this amount of pain, for adopting a dog in the first place since I clearly can't handle the loss well, for not appreciating the time I had with her...for those hungover days where I was annoyed of having to walk her in the morning - why would I be so selfish? 

I keep feeling like the pain I am going through is unique - that I loved her too much and maybe that was unhealthy? She was just so special and I just want her back so bad. 

  summer hug.jpg 




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DAWN_ANGELmom

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Reply with quote  #11 
I also thought that I loved my cats too much. I feel I was obsessed with them. To me they were above anything and anybody. I lived for them. Now they're both gone and I am crippled and can't function. I think I can't love in a healthy way.
I am so sorry for all the pain you, I and everyone on here suffers.
With great gain comes a great loss and with every joy there comes suffering. Life is cruel.
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Catherine76

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Reply with quote  #12 
Ginger, don't regret having your sweet girl, and don't think you just weren't equipped to handle the pain. We are so lucky to have this kind of love in our lives, it takes our breath away when it's gone. Myself, I am just knocked senseless. I am not even two weeks past the lost of my beautiful girl. That's an adorable photo of you two - the love just radiates out from it! We all have those "why did I behave this way?" moments - why did I get cross, why was I impatient? Breathe deep, remember that she didn't want you to be sad. My heart goes out to you, we have the same horrible pain...
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Nacoka

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Reply with quote  #13 
It does get better. It’s been 6 weeks since my dear little Jack left me suddenly. He was only 9. He was my soulmate. The first few weeks I cried all the time. I blamed myself for not detecting his cancer. He gave no outward signs until it was too late. Today I cried just a little. I’ve been journaling how I feel everyday. That helps. But the best advice I have is to grieve. Cry a lot. The tears of grief are healing. You have to feel the grief and then it eases up. It’s funny you said you could feel your heart. I feel mine too. It’s like a dull pressure. That too eases up. I am also going to write the blessings my Jackie gave me and the lessons I’ve learned from him; such as compassion. I have such compassion for animals and he taught me that. The love you and Summer shared continues forever. I know Jack is waiting for me over the rainbow bridge.
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Nacoka

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Reply with quote  #14 
How Lucky is Summer that “you loved her too much”. A lot of pets don’t every experience that kind of love.
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SummerBear2018

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Reply with quote  #15 
Summer - today was the first day that I could look at pictures of you. Gosh it hurts so much. It's raining so hard outside and I keep thinking about how you are scared (you hate the rain) and then I forget you are gone. There was a bug on the wall today - you always killed the bugs for me. How I miss you so much it just hurts every bone in my body. 

The first day I picked you up at the shelter and you were 10 weeks old, I looked you in the eyes and told you I would love you until the day you die. I had no idea what life would bring us then, just 22 yrs old with no money and no life plans. The day you left me, I told you I kept my promise and that I would love you until the day I die. Boy, I had no idea how much this love would hurt.

Around 2 yrs old, you started fighting with dogs at dog day care. I tried everything to understand you...so much training, dog bootcamp, dog agility class. I soon learned that you just didnt like other dogs, and that was okay, because I loved you so much I wanted to understand all of you, and we learned to adjust to the new way of living. 

Because I loved you so much, I developed so much compassion for dogs that were misunderstood. I started volunteering at the local animal shelter in Austin, TX and I would get the euthansia list the night before the dogs were scheduled to be euthanized. It was my job to decide from that list who we could turn into rescue and who we had to let go. Because I went through so much training with you, I learned to understand what was true aggression and what was fear. 

Because of you, my sweet girl, I was able to save 300+ dogs who were scheduled to be euthanized the next day and helped find them the right homes. You inspired me to love deeper and see beyond the first impression.

I had dreams that my first dog would go camping with me, to restaurants with me and hiking off leash. You couldnt be that dog due to your issues but you were so much more. You loved me so much as I grieved the loss of a 9 year relationship, you stayed up with me all night in business school when I was studying and trying to survive, you napped with me on the couch when I was too broke to go home during the holidays. You gave me so much joy and depth of character. I looked forward every day coming home to spend time with you.

The pain I am feeling right now is so intense. I just miss you so much. It all happened so fast and I just didnt know what to do when you were crashing. I just love you so much, and I miss you wiggly tail, you barking at the squirrels, nudging my hand when I'm working late night on the computer to give you attention. 

Please give me a sign that you are okay and that you forgive me for letting you go. I feel so guilty that I had to make that decision and you were wagging your tail and kissing my face as they were putting you down.
It hurts so much I would give anything to be able to explain this to you so you could understand. I miss you so much girl. I don't want to forget you.  
Please give me a sign that it's okay to foster another dog (even though I know you would hate it).  IMG_3315.jpg 



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