Lucys
I can't stop crying & I feel so guilty for so many things.  Worse, I regret taking my vet's advice and putting my Lucy to sleep earlier today, though it was the best thing for her.  I wish I could redo the past six months, take the stress of a move and new household off of her. Wish I hadn't moved, maybe she would still be here now. Wish I had not put off the dental cleaning that I was so afraid of having done for fear anesthesia at her advanced age would cause her to die (especially since I believe she may have needed dental work).  Wish I had walked her more than I did, despite her being old, slow and gimpy with arthritis.  Wish I had taken every precaution starting nearly 13 years ago to prevent cancer, fat, liver, cataracts, any damage to her body.  Wish I had paid more attention and noticed her weight gain in recent months.  Wish I had said "no" to the vet today and spent just a little more time with her.

Her not being here hurts so much. I just viewed video of her taken 11 mos ago - though she had aged and was slower, the light still shone in her eyes and her eyes still perked up.  What changed so much in a year?!  I just had her at the vet a month ago for a checkup....her cough was due to allergies and they could not find any issues with her heart (other than a mass near her heart which we believed was fat), easing my fear she had congestive heart failure. Her blood work was good, she had gained (too much) weight and needed the dental cleaning/xrays/etc.  Now, 3 weeks later her red blood cell count is way down, is in kidney failure and as it turned out, spent her last night curled up in bed with me having seizures which she had never had before.  The 2 seizures prompted our early morning vet visit and numerous tests.  The blood test results were disturbing and not as good as they were weeks before. A mass was found in her abdomen - the vet believed this may have been area where he suspected internal blood loss.  He wanted to find that before starting treatment for the kidney failure as it could cause the red blood cell count to plummet further.  As more tests were needed, I left her in their care. She was so weak and exhausted from the seizures.  She had taken water, used her lawn this morning and may have even eaten if I had offered her food, but I was in a hurry to get her to the vet. She was tired and out of it. 

I kept thinking they would find an infection causing the seizures, that the kidney issues were due to arthritis meds, etc. I didn't know he would call me and tell me that she had two more seizures in his office and that her spleen and liver were enlarged and there was something on her spleen.  I didn't know that he would tell me that she had so many issues they didn't think they could help her. I wasn't prepared for him to tell me that he recommended I put her to sleep.

I've tried to prepare myself for her end for a couple years. She would have been 13 in a couple of weeks.  Nothing could prepare me for this.

I thought I could handle this. After seeing the fear in her eyes after the first seizure last night, how rotten she has looked like she has felt in past few days (and haven't been going on outings and walks),lack of enthusiasm for treats (she would ultimately take it after some prodding), knowing she has all these masses, knowing I can't provide the comfort, coziness and quiet of the old home I shared with her, and realizing the seizures were just going to continue, I just did it.  I thought it was best for her. She just wanted to sleep, to put her head down and sleep, but every time she slept she had a seizure.  I barely spent any time with her before they did it, I laid on a blanket on the floor with her just hoping she wouldn't have another seizure before they could inject her.  I didn't wait even five minutes, just long enough to curl up with her, continuously stroke and talk to her.  It was over fast. I didn't know until they told me, I just kept talking to her and petting her.  I can't help but wonder if she knew what was happening, if she was or wasn't ready, if her will to live was still there or just temporarily needing a good nap.

I want her back, I want more time with her, I want to find more ways than attention, love, treats, food, car rides, nature outings and walks to let her know what she means to me and how much I love her. I don't want her to be alone, afraid, cold, hurting, sick, anything.  The Rainbow Bridge poem isn't much of a comfort because she always hated being away from me (and vice versa) so I don't want her somewhere missing me or wondering where I am ;)  Also not sure what my beliefs are, so I can hope and pray my precious pup is in heaven or nearby but we don't really know and since I opted for cremation....well you get where my whacked out sad thoughts are going with this.  I tend to wonder whether there is any consciousness left after life ends, any awareness, memory or does it all just go black and stop.  So if my sweet babygirl Lucy is at the Rainbow Bridge, I hope like hell she is happy, feeling good and reveling in how much joy she brought me and how much she is loved.

I wonder now if I could have eased her back to health with alternative treatment. Was she really that far gone that nothing could be done?  Just don't know if I did the right thing. It hurts so much and I just feel terrible about this decision now.  Glad I was with her at the end, though I am still processing all that and trying to make sense out of choosing to end her life when it wasn't what I wanted, watching her die, afraid she will wake up alone and scared, etc.

I just feel that even if I make it through tonight without her, tomorrow is going to be much darker. I just want her here with me now.
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heartsick

 

 

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet precious Lucy.

Grief is awful and there is nothing else like this pain.

I am divorced - when I was married I buried my son- at that time I became a Certified Grief Counselor- I used the same graveside service for my Bear as I did for my son.

Please know that when we lose someone we love we don't stop loving them -

 LOVE NEVER DIES.

The soul bound connection that is between our babies and ourselves is forever.

Nothing - not death- tears -grief - or sadness will ever break the ties between us for those ties are made of LOVE so strong that NOTHING will ever sever those connections.

LOVE NEVER DIES.

When we grieve for those we love it is because we do not quite know how to live without them. We breathe because we have no choice but the living part takes a huge amount of learning and time.

Grief is not something we get over but something that we learn -slowly- over time- to incorporate into our lives until it becomes a part of us like our bones and our breath.

Please know that we all understand here and we are all here for you.

We are all in this together and all walking the same roller coaster path of grief together -

some a bit ahead of you, some by your side, and some will come behind for you to help along.

Grief takes time. It usually takes the whole first year of “firsts” without them to take a true deep breath again. Be kind to yourself. None of this is easy.

I am here for you.

We are all here for you and we care about you and we understand.

You Are In My Thoughts.                                      

Susan(heartsick)

 

 

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Mistysmama
I am so sorry, and my heart goes out to you over the loss of your dear sweet Lucy.
From what you have said, it sounds as though she had Hemangiosarcoma of the spleen, affecting the liver also. This is a devastating terminal cancer which spreads like wild fire and can affect the heart, brain, and other organs. The tumors bleed internally as they are very fragile tumors, and very often the dog will die of sudden collapse. It is a cruel disease because it hides in the body for so long, and often the first signs are the end signs. It is incurable. Even aggressive chemotherapy doesn't kill this cancer.
My Misty developed that. She bled internally.
If it was this, you did the most sensible, and the kindest thing by releasing her from her body and this illness.
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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Kimberlymichelle
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dog Howie on Sunday the 8th of December and we watched him have seizures for a month. It was the most horrible and helpless feeling that I have ever had. I wanted to do so much for him and I wasn't able to. I wish you peace and comfort as you navigate your grief. Hugs to you.
How lucky I am to have had something that I loved so much. Love to my Howie....always and forever.
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Catladykaren
Oh I am so sorry for what you are going through, I am in a terrible place myself. If it counts, I believe you did the right thing. I personally believe one of the greatest acts of love is giving them peace and ending their suffering. The pain is searing because all we want is more time to show them we love them with all our heart. One more year, one more day, one more minute as if it could ease the pain of saying goodbye. The "what ifs" and regret is pure torture. So many times I've read about pet parents feeling like the waited too long and wish they had let their babies go when they still had some quality of life left. That only afterwards did they realize how much they had really deteriorated and wish they had had the strength to let them go. My precious Leeloo was eating but she didn't play anymore, and became less and less active. In the days leading up to a failed surgery, she looked so tired. But I had already latched on to the belief this would save her and we would have years together, I asked her to hold on and told her everything was going to be okay. Her cancer was treatable, I agreed to Xrays, ultrasounds, biopsy, and then CT scan. With a seemingly favorable prognosis I gave the surgeon my heart. Things went terribly wrong, and in my grief I couldn't really comprehend what was really happening. Nobody ever told me how bad she really was. The candy coated "we very concerned", "worried she's not doing too well", and what we are doing next to improve this reading. The images of her tiny body and all those tubes, monitors clipped on her, mask on her face, vacant eyes. I don't want to remember my baby like that, and can only hope her last memories of me didn't include pain and suffering. I remember the look she gave me and I know she didn't want to live like that anymore, a day or so before the surgery. I told her Mommy loves you, I'm sorry baby, everythings going to be okay. I still love her, I'm still sorry, but nothing is okay. The joy left my life last weekend. There is small comfort knowing she was on pain meds during surgery and after, and that she suffers no more. I don't want to be without her and wanted to lay down and die with her. I want so badly to believe I'll see her sweet face, hear her plaintive meow, and pet her wavy fur again. I want so desperately to dream of her happy and healthy even if I wake up sobbing, but I can't sleep. She's not here next to me. She is gone.
I'm so sorry for the gut wrenching pain you must feel.
I wish you peace in knowing you did the right thing, comfort in knowing she no longer suffers, and joy in the memories of happiness and love.
Love is eternal....
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Misha
I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my sweet little angel dog Casper,  about a week ago.  I being going through the same thing,  how could i have cared for him better. I feel so much guilt over what i didn't do.  I did not want to let him go,  but it was the kindest thing for him, but it was not easy either.  the vet came to my house and i told my parents i didn't want to be around when he was euthanized.  But Casper was laying on my lap he he passed. He chose me just like he did when he was a pup and chose me when he came into the family. Just can't get that image out of my head.  

Even though at the moment the guilt i feel is bad, but our furbabies have such pure hearts.  They love, forgive, and show grace and mercy to us unconditionally. i know my baby forgave me because of his love for me.  Just like Lucy she forgave you because of her unconditional love for you. Will be praying for you. 
 
Misha

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Lucys
heartsick wrote:

 

 Thank you so much for such a kind words.  You are right on all accounts from I've experienced so far.  Its sill tough. I think the pain morphs and lashes out differently at times.



I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet precious Lucy.

Grief is awful and there is nothing else like this pain.

I am divorced - when I was married I buried my son- at that time I became a Certified Grief Counselor- I used the same graveside service for my Bear as I did for my son.

Please know that when we lose someone we love we don't stop loving them -

 LOVE NEVER DIES.

The soul bound connection that is between our babies and ourselves is forever.

Nothing - not death- tears -grief - or sadness will ever break the ties between us for those ties are made of LOVE so strong that NOTHING will ever sever those connections.

LOVE NEVER DIES.

When we grieve for those we love it is because we do not quite know how to live without them. We breathe because we have no choice but the living part takes a huge amount of learning and time.

Grief is not something we get over but something that we learn -slowly- over time- to incorporate into our lives until it becomes a part of us like our bones and our breath.

Please know that we all understand here and we are all here for you.

We are all in this together and all walking the same roller coaster path of grief together -

some a bit ahead of you, some by your side, and some will come behind for you to help along.

Grief takes time. It usually takes the whole first year of “firsts” without them to take a true deep breath again. Be kind to yourself. None of this is easy.

I am here for you.

We are all here for you and we care about you and we understand.

You Are In My Thoughts.                                      

Susan(heartsick)

 

 

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iluvlucy
Aw, hugs. I too lost "big fat kitty", my Lucy last Saturday when she had a massive stroke.
But please don't blame yourself. My Lucy's stroke came completely out of nowhere and I couldn't help but ask myself those questions because she was completely healthy (except her weight). And I was able to invent some what-ifs.
Please be at peace that you did everything you could. You are a good mommy/daddy.

Micky  born May 1994 Adopted from Pamlico County Animal Shelter. died October 25, 2013  
Lucy   August 10, 2011. Adopted from Operation Care Cat Rescue. died December 14, 2013
Fair Lady born April 2010. Adopted from a wonderful Bosnian family who could no longer take care of her.

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Kmcbob
Im sorry for the loss of your Lucy. I just put my cat bob to sleep yesterday. I could have waited and watch him get worse day by day, but he deserved better.
Im sure i will question it over and over. He looked peaceful and unafraid as i held his face. We are so fortunate to have had them in our lives and be able to make the hardest decision we will ever have to. Waking up this morning is agonizing i know what your feeling. The crying and pain will be replaced with smiles and memories. We were good moms and we will be again.
Kathy Ciruzzi
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Lucys
I just want to thank everyone for the kind words, helpful information, and well, sharing your furbabies and stories. My heart goes out to you all and your sweet angels, I feel that for everyone here, for all the memorials, posts and replies I read.  I wish I could send e-hugs or healing to everyone and give gentle pets and kisses to all the furbaby angels.

I really want you to know how much your words helped me through some really tough hours. They continue to help and will continue to do so. I am grateful to all of you and this site.  You've helped restore my faith as well as my faith in heaven and I can find comfort in the hope that one day I really will be reunited with my precious furball Lucy.

Funny how the grief goes on, feelings such as sadness, despair, guilt and anger seem to wax and wane.  I am starting to understand that as time marches on we learn to live without them, but the love and missing them never changes.  Once in our hearts, forever in our hearts. 

With sincere gratitude,
Amy

AND thank you again for sharing your special angels. I've found more tears, laughter and even smiles reading about your furbabies. It's nice reading these, seeing the photos and knowing I am not alone.
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Amandax2
I am so sorry for your loss.  I to have been haunted with what ifs and what I should have done. Of course none of that matters now.  We love them so much and their passing leaves such a hole in our hearts.  Sometimes the pain is almost unbearable. There is no easy way go get through this. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other. Hold on to the love the 2 of you shared.
Sue Martin
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