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OmarR

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Reply with quote  #1 
I lost my Siberian Husky, Emma, on June 15th, 2016.  She was only 5.5 years old.

My wife and I had noticed around Memorial Day Weekend that she wasnt really eating much and barely drinking. Her annual exam was coming up, but we decided to make an appt earlier and take her in. Long story short, we were referred by my Vet to Purdue Univ (Animal teaching hospital).

Purdue ran MRI's, Chest X-rays, bloodwork, Oncology tests....etc. They gave her IV fluids and we were sent home with pain killers and appetite enhancement pills. She seemed perky for a couple of days, but I think the drugs were allowing her to feel invincible.

Purdue said all tests came back negative, with the exception of a mass on the lining of her heart. They drew a sample of the mass and it was coming out benign. Next was Purdue internal medicine. They ran their tests, and they thought they had narrowed it down to a hypothyroid issue. So we went home with thyroid medication.

But with the removal of the pain killers & appetite enhancers, she went back to not eating. My wife asked me to come home from work, which I did, and take her again to Purdue. I checked her in, they started an IV, and one hour later, she collapsed and passed away. The necropsy report is pending. She had gained weight in the last 2 years of her life (about 10-15Ibs), but we always attributed it to our bad "table scraps manner". I asked the doctor if there was something that we should have picked up on in the last 2 years. His response, "We have run every test under the sun in the last 3 weeks of her life. And I still cannot tell you why she passed away today. If you were have brought her in a year or 2 ago, I most likely would not have been able to find anything wrong with her, other than her being over-weight. Hopefully the necropsy report will give us answers."


My wife and I have no kids, so our 2 Siberian Huskies were basically our kids. I knew that one day I would have to say goodbye to them, but I was really hoping it would be at the 12-14 year mark. This sudden passing has really numbed me and left me in a dark place. I try and get "lost" and "stay busy" with my remaining Siberian....but as you guess correctly.....everything we do.....We also did with Emma.


I will admit that I have read previous threads about dogs passing, and I have always choked up because I knew one day I would be creating my own.  I am a logical, grown man at 43 years of age, and I can't stop crying over her. I used to hug her 10 times per day, and now I cry 10 times per day.

So I guess I would like to hear your thoughts. I would like to hear your stories. Were you in a dark place for a long time? Are you still in that dark place? How did you cope? Still coping?

Thank you for listening...and responding if you choose to do so emma01.jpg 

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Weepatchesoflove

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Reply with quote  #2 
Hiya
I am so sorry for your loss, Emma looks absolutely gorgeous, what beautiful eyes and cheeky grin!
This forum is amazing, we all try to help each other. We all know how bad it feels when we lose our guys, but your loss of Emma so young is particularly cruel. Please try to read as many others threads as you can and then you maybe will find a few you can relate too, although we all, sadly know the dark place that you are talking about. But, a the great thing about this forum is you can also read others stories who have managed to get through the worst part of their grief and are moving on, so you know it will happen.
Some people on here have kept journals and others have made memorials for their guys, there is other ideas floating about here and hopefully you can find one that might just help take the edge off of your pain, but no one can take it away, we have to go through that ourselves, so try to be kind to yourself and if crying ten times a day is what it takes, then go for it. You obviously loved Emma, so you can't expect to not feel a huge and massive sadness now she is not here.
Once again, I am really sorry for your loss of Emma
Take care and best wishes
Michelle &Patchea

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Reply with quote  #3 
OmarR
So so sorry for your loss - What an absolutely beautiful girl Emma is. . . You have to look at the eyes of a Sib to see inside their soul!  She was much, much too young to have been lost! And, it is clear from your words that she was absolutely adored!  How is Emma's sister? or brother? doing?  She will be missed by all in the family.  Our special fur ones are our family, our children, our comfort, our confidantes, our best friends and at many times our life lines.  The emptiness that once was where Emma's physical presence lived will now be filled with tears, and questions and loneliness without her daily hug, her daily smile and her daily bark.  She will though still be near to you - close by, just in a different form - it is now her spirit, her soul that will come to move in to fill that empty spot once again.  She will forever be missed, be mourned and be thanked for just being herself.  Now is the time for the grief, for those tears to be shed as many times in a day as necessary and for as long as it takes.  The 'dark days' of grief - unfortunately seem to come with the 'bright and comforting days' of love.  And, Emma is worth every one of those tears that fall.  Take your time, watch over your other special one and know you are not alone through this journey.  Take care.
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CCIntrigue

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Reply with quote  #4 
OmarR, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Emma was beautiful.  
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OmarR

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Reply with quote  #5 
Thank you both for the very kind words!

Ironically, just hours after I posted my story, Purdue called with the necropsy report. My beautiful Emma had lymphoma of the the heart. The doctors said that even with treatment, we would have bought only 6-12 months of life, assuming she responded well to the treatment. I probably would have went for it just to hang on to her longer, but her quality of life would have suffered at the expense of my selfishness.

Emma's sister(from a different litter), Tulip is doing well. They loved each other, but Tulip has always been independent.

I think I will think of my Emma and miss her everyday...until the day I die.
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OmarR

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Reply with quote  #6 
Hi Emma!

This past Wed was 5 weeks since I have seen you.

It's getting a *little* easier everyday...but I still miss you SO much and love you ever MORE with every passing day.

I truly hope I get to see you again in Heaven.

Your dad, forever,

Omar.
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frostymommy

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Reply with quote  #7 
Dearest Omar,
Your posts really touched my heart. We both had snow dogs, who went to heaven too too early (5 and 2 yrs old), & are cousins as we know Sammies and Huskies are. I think Frosty may have found his forever ♡♡Girlfriend ♡♡! ! Don't feel bad for crying, I am your age and cry often now. But you know, tears help us heal, and knowing that we are all here for one another really comforts me. And Frosty also passed suddenly from heart attack, I was shocked he would leave this world in 10 minutes! We did the best we could for our fur babies. One DaY at a time. ...we can do it! !

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Frosty Joy 5/14 - 7/16
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Weepatchesoflove

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Reply with quote  #8 
Hey there Omar
Just wondering how you are getting on? Hope you're finding more moments of peace?
Take care and best wishes
Michelle &Patches

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OmarR

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Reply with quote  #9 
Michelle,

Thank you for the kind words.

The short version...I am NOT ok.

This wed (07-27-16) will be 6 weeks since I have seen Emma. I cry everyday. I want her back everyday. I am still going crazy everyday. I go to work. I play and cuddle with my other Siberian, Tulip. I do enjoy time with my wife as we nestle down and watch some TV. But I still pop sleeping pills everynight. Otherwise, I cannot sleep.

I google cardiac lymphoma. Emma had a tumor on her heart that most likely caused the lymphoma.

I question whether I could have caught it 2 years ago. The doctors say "NO!". They say that the cancer did NOT show up on their scans. It was within the heart, and the cancer started affecting the heart, therefore affecting the liver and kidneys from doing their job.


But what if I could have caught it 2 years ago? I keep asking the same thing...over and over and over again.

Why did cancer have to take my baby?

How did a 4-legged animal, that doesnt even speak to me in the same language, capture my heart?

Why does it feel like i cannot go on and live a normal life without her?

The only time i am ok....is when I am drifting off into sleep...under sedatives.

I just want my Emma back.
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frostymommy

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Reply with quote  #10 
Hugggggggs Omar..I am praying for you....Pls Don't blame yourself. I wished I knew Frosty had a weak heart, but I could not .... Tulip and your wife love you lots.... Keep on stayingwith them and let them be your comfort. Praying for you all.
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Frosty Joy 5/14 - 7/16
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frostymommy

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Reply with quote  #11 
I will try joining tonight's candlelight memorial. Let's support each other there. Hugs!
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Frosty Joy 5/14 - 7/16
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OmarR

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Reply with quote  #12 
Thank you Sophie and Patches' mom!

Today was just a "worse" day. i alternate between a "bad" day and a "worse" day.

I will be snoring when the candlelight starts (I get up early for work)

Please think of Emma and your own loved ones tonight.
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Weepatchesoflove

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Reply with quote  #13 
Hey Omar
I am sorry you are having a rubbish time. Certainly this last couple of weeks have felt harder for me too, I dunno, maybe realisation that this is it and it's not really going to change as I can't have what I really, really want. Maybe it's just another part of the grief journey that we are sadly going through.
I get what you are saying about your days now, my routine is pretty much back to where it was when we still had Patches, but it seems greyer maybe? Like it is dimmed or muted and something is not right, or maybe more like an exact carbon copy of our lives, but without soul.
I want to echo Frostysmommy, please try not to beat yourself up. I kind of think when your times up, it's up and there is not really anything you can do. I love the Internet, but if you look hard enough you will find anything you want, so you will maybe find stories of people who cured their animals when they had exact copies of Emma's medical history. I liken it to, I have RA and I periodically have people tell me i can cure it by eating or not eating foods, or doing yoga or whatever and believe me I have tried most, the one that sticks out for me most is turmeric. I was told eating this would cure me and according to the Internet it would. I ate so much of the bloody stuff I was going yellow and looked like I had liver disease. But, that's my point, there will always be someone who will say, yep that worked, when maybe they didn't have the exact same symptoms as Emma or their immunity or whatever was different.
I'm not sure if I posted this poem to you already or not (sorry if I did) but I love it so much and just want to share it with everyone, although it did take me several tries to actually read it.
Take care and best wishes and I hope that you start to find some peace soon.

HAVEN’T LEFT AT ALL

I saw you gently weeping as you looked through photographs
You paused for just a moment at one that made you laugh.

But as you turned more pages the tears began to flow
You whispered that you missed me but I want you to know;

I softly licked those stinging tears that down your cheeks did fall
I want to help you understand I haven’t left at all.

On those days that you are overcome with sorrow, pain and grief
I rest my head upon your leg to offer some relief.

When you take our walking path I’ve seen you turn around
Because I know you surely heard my paws upon the ground.

At night while you are sleeping I snuggle at your side
You stroke my fur as you touch that place where I used to lie.

You said it’s just your heart playing tricks upon your mind
But rest assured I’m really there, my spirit’s left behind.

I know your heart is hurting; it’s like an open sore
You think my life has ended and you won’t see me anymore.

But for those of us bound tight by love, death is not the curtain call;
It’s really the eternal beginning that waits for us all

Michelle &Patches

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OmarR

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Reply with quote  #14 
I get what you are saying about your days now, my routine is pretty much back to where it was when we still had Patches, but it seems greyer maybe? Like it is dimmed or muted and something is not right, or maybe more like an exact carbon copy of our lives, but without soul.



Michelle,

When you wrote this, it's like you are reading my mind. It's exactly like that....dim and muted.


Logically, I know it will eventually get better. I also knew that I would most likely outlive my dogs and grieve their passing. I just didn't think I would have to do it for another 8 years or so.


Omar.
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frostymommy

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Reply with quote  #15 
Agree with you both! Life has no color, it is just routine. It is still raw for me.... please take care! I thought Frosty would lI've to be 12 or 14.....who knew he would go to heaven at 2?
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Frosty Joy 5/14 - 7/16
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