RiverB
Where do I start? Not with her death, but her life, it's easier that way. When I was 3, my mom surprised me one day after pre-school with the fact that she had bought a puppy, and we were to go to the shelter for me to meet her and to take her! I was so excited. She was a black lab with pitbull and boxer mixed in. We connected immediately. (little side note: I recently found out that she was actually going to be euthanized at the shelter, we saved her.) She became my playmate, as two rowdy young ones, my mom likened it to having two toddlers in the house, not just one and a puppy. I named her Sophina, after the name "Sophie" which I liked, but thought a dogs name should be a lil different from the human inspiration, I was of course 3, so I didn't think of it quite like that. We grew up together, forming a great bond. She was always there for me. She was diagnosed with VERY end stage cancer of the throat about a month ago, I was 14, I am now 15. We were told we had a week left with her, max. A week? It takes at least a week to come to terms with the situation, but to ready yourself and prepare in a week? Not possible. I could never get closure for 11 years of time with her. I still don't have any real closure. It was too quick, and I feel extremely damaged and traumatized by the speed of it all, it's as if the rug has been swept out from beneath me, and I'm still falling.. I spent every day of that week with her, keeping her comfy and safe until sometimes up to 5am. I even slept next to her all night on the final night before the day we had picked for euthanizing. That decision was incredibly hard, I had to overcome my own selfishness. On Friday of the week, we took her on that last ride to the vets. This vet had seen her since she was a puppy, she was his first patient after setting up there. He cried when he saw her, she was one of his favorite patients. I helped them get her comfy, and before leaving (I had already decided I was not able to be present as they did it, my mom was there though.) I rubbed her head, and said "Goodbye Feeney, I love you." and we looked each other in the eye, something we hadn't done since she got sick, she had been too lethargic to interact much, even looking me in the eye (which was in no way her fault.) As she looked me in the eye, we connected in a way. We had a mutual, emotional understanding of sorts. It sounds crazy, I know, but I just felt as if she knew what I wanted to say, but didn't for fear of breaking down in front of the vets. As I left the room, she kept watching me, it was emotionally excruciating. I closed the door, and sat on chair in the waiting room, head in hand, trying not to cry in front of the waiting room. My mom finally opened the door and told me to come in. They gave us our time with her. I walked in and saw that motionless body and broke down. I sobbed into my knee as I crouched and pat her like I would if she were alive, even avoiding the places she didn't like to be pet. It was beautiful though, seeing her so at peace, after fighting cancer for so long. I kissed her and pet her, and lay with her, rested my head on her, all things I would do if she were alive. I believe, in a way, I was trying to do everything she liked one more time before we left and she was cremated. I told her over and over that she had been a good girl, and we had a good 11 years, and thanked her for everything. When she lost her warmth, I sobbed uncontrollably, it was too real. I wrapped her in the blanked she had been laying on, I didn't care if she was gone, she was cold and that's what mattered. I guess my protection instincts were in. We left, and I made sure to give the vet my note and poem, both thanking her for her time, I hope in some way, she acknowledges these notes, even in death. We have since gotten a new dog, whom I love to death, but Sophina "Feeney" Tallulah Bradley will always be in my heart, and next to me. I feel as though I am still grieving intensely a month on, as my family has gotten better with grief. I have sudden flashbacks of the day I lost her all the time, which instantly drain me for the day, these have been very hard. Feeney, I don't quite believe in a heaven, but you must be somewhere like it, much love, River.
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heartsick
I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious sweet "Feeny".
Grief is the worst pain in the world.
It takes a long time for the emptiness inside of us to fade to
something we can live with.
It usually takes the whole first year of "firsts" without them to be able to
take a true deep breath again.
You lost a piece of you and a huge piece of your life from as far back as you remember.
It is normal to feel awful at only one month.
If you read any one of our threads from the beginning you will see yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
I am here for you.
We all understand here.
We are all walking the same roller coaster path of grief.
You are in my thoughts.
I still have days when I cry and sob for my Bear.
Susan (heartsick)

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Grief has NO TIME LIMIT.jpg
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RiverB
Thanks, that was helpful to hear. I guess I never really imagined it could last so long, but after seeing thread after thread of the same thing with everyone, I know to stop waiting for it to stop hurting and just grieve.
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RiverB
I should probably point out that I meant to say she was cremated with those notes, I didn't just give them to the vet.
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heartsick
It's okay - I understood.
Please come back and write whatever you feel whenever you need to.
We will always be here for you and
we care about you.
We also all understand.
You are in my thoughts.

Susan
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