I dont know why im writing here. I just needed a place to get my thoughts out of my head. I know i'm going through the stages of grieving but it doesnt make it any easier. He was my best friend, at times my only friend. I have had a very rough year and these last couple of months have been almost unbearable and then life threw another curve ball at me. I have been off of work for a year with personal issues i wont get into dealing with depression, separation, and taking care of my three kids and of course my fourth Shadow. I feel so guilty this past year I really havent been there for him like i should. There was a month when I wasnt home and was staying somewhere else and a family member would come let him out and give him food and water. Not being with him was out of my control. Finally I was able to come back home and to be with him again. The house im living in is being sold and I stand to profit from it although the equity isnt completely mine its complicated. Which makes what happened even harder. Sorry for the rambling although i suppose i shouldn't apologize no one has to read this or probably will. For the past couple of weeks I had to put him outside when he had been coming inside normally throughout the day and at night to sleep with us and be with us. I am replacing carpet, and putting new flooring in the house so i didn't want anything getting damaged (its hard enough with the kids). He always tried to rush in the house when I went outside or was coming in and I would tell him to get out. I have been really stressed the past month and really had neglected him more then I ever had before in our time together. I mean I fed him, gave him water, loved him but I had just been so busy and stressed. Then last week my son wouldn't get on the van for school so he had to stay home I remember being frustrated and stressed because time was running out to get the house fixed up. I hopped in the shower and hadn't even went outside to say hi to him that day. I got out of the shower and went into my bedroom where I saw him laying against the slider. I opened the door he looked up at me so happy wagging his tail but stumbled and fell over. He had been in great health to my knowledge never showed any signs of sickness. He was 10 but looked like he was 5. His breathing was labored. Confused and trying not to panic I knelt down beside him to see if he was hurt. I couldnt see anything phyiscally wrong. I checked his mouth to see if he might be chocking on something and moved his water dish towards him. He leaned up and took a few drinks then layed back over struggling to breathe. His nose felt cold all the possiblities where running through my head was he sick? He'll be okay? I need to bring him to the vet ASAP. I picked him up and put him in the car ran back inside and grabbed my son picked him up buckled him in his car seat and sped off to the vet which was about a mile away. I was telling him to hold on we're almost there when I heard his breathing become more labored and almost like a chocking sound. I pulled into the vets parking lot opened the door and he just looked back at me with grey eyes lifeless sliding out of the car. He was gone. It was sudden and the vet said they didnt do forensics there and I suppose there isnt a point it wont bring him back. I just feel so lost without him, and guilty that his last days were outside without us. He probably felt like he had done something wrong. I love him so much. I had him before I had my first son. We did everything together. I know i need to cherish the time we spent. But i cant help but feel the overwhelming guilt of the way i treated him those last couple of weeks. I thought we just had to get through these next couple months and bite the bullet and then we would be at a new place and everything would get back to normal. I had even been talking to people about how consumed so many people are with physical things...working hard at jobs they dont like, more hours then they want to, hoping to reach retirment to fnally enjoy life and whats the point if you are so miserable trying to reach from point a-b in your life that if something happens and you dont get there or the poeple you care about arent there with you in the end then what was the point. That you should just live everyday loving what is important to you because we dont take the phyiscal with us when we pass. All that money or stature doesnt matter. We live a limited minuscule amount time on earth in comparison to what comes after. But here I was not taking my own advice with him. I thought only a couple months to buckle down whats that in the big picture of the rest of his life with us. I was very wrong. And now suddenly just like a horrible horrible dream he's gone and I wont be with him again for the rest of the time im here. And just like every other familly member that has past away...what I wouldnt give for one more day, hour, minute, second with him. My heart is broken and a huge part of my soul is missing. I love you shadow...i cant wait to see you again!
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Hi Shadow21318,

I’m very sorry for all you’ve been through the last few months. Many condolences for your loss of Shadow. It truly is difficult to lose these little guys. Grief causes us to feel so many different feelings quite strongly. This forum is the right place to express all you’re going through and feeling during this difficult time. Please hang in there and post as much as you need to.
—Loving Riley, Rosy & Axl always 🐾

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First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. You came across loud and clear, and you were not rambling.

It's funny. We get caught in the quagmire, and then suddenly look back and think of all of the things we missed, got wrong, regret, could have done differently, etc., ad nauseam. While trying to get things right, boom. All of a sudden we find ourselves self-sabotaging even more by wondering where we were all the while it was happening. On top of that, it probably never occurred to you that you would lose something constant in your life. Something like your beloved Shadow.

Life isn't fair. Sometimes it doesn't care about our dreams and aspirations. But I will tell you one thing. I know you tried. I can tell by your words.

I have no other solace to offer except that we all feel your pain. My only hope for you is that you will turn to Shadow as your angel to get you through, without guilt. Because it's obviously that this little soul, no matter how much you beat yourself up for the regrets you articulated, was meant to alter your being. Only an angel can do that. Has any other relationship rocked your world like this? Think about it. 

Thank you for sharing your story about Shadow. Go easy on yourself. Best of luck to you. Do what you need to do to grieve. We pretty much know what you are going through.
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Is anyone awake that I could talk with about my pwt
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I'm so sorry for your loss. There is really nothing that can be said to ease a broken heart. But you need to understand that you were there for him when he needed you. In the end the only person he would have wanted by his side is you and you were there. All of your intentions were good. Life has a way of going left when you want to go right. Please know that he is now safe and restored. He waits and loves you. I think of my dogs, that they are all playing and having fun. But that they wait for me. They can hear me. I like to think that. It makes me happy to know they have crossed to place where nothing bad exists. Think of all the happy times with him.
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