amatusze
I am reaching out to this group to seek support and understanding of the overwhelming and indescribable loss I feel after putting my kitty Freddie to sleep on Friday. He was diagnosed with high grade lymphoma cancer in January and after having decided against chemo (More on that later) we had him on steroids which for a period of time worked very well. It almost seemed as if he no longer had cancer as he was his usual self and exceeded the life expectancy he was given. About a week ago I noticed him losing hair, hiding under beds, sunken look in the face, eliminating all over the house , meowing in strange ways, and just not behaving himself. I had a feeling the end was near and let my rational mind schedule euthanasia before he started really suffering. Now is where my limitless grief begins. The minute after he passed in my arms (I will NEVER forget this image that broke my heart into million pieces) I felt excruciating guilt. Guilt over doing it too early, guilt over blindsighting him after spending the morning petting him as if it was any other day, guilt over not doing Chemo to prolong his life (originally decided against it because it wouldn’t be curative and weekly injections were too much for a kitty that despised car rides and vet visits). I am a total mess, cry non stop, and ruminate about every decision and the what if’s. I’ve had other animals but this one left such a mark on me I just can’t imagine life without him. My heart is empty and every day seems like a chore now. I would love to hear from others who have been through this and offer some advice of how to go on.
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xxcesarxx
I understand your pain, its been 5 months for me and it still hurts the same. I have learned to live with the pain, the emptiness, loneliness etc. Its who I am, I will be whole again when I see my baby again. Im a very spiritual person and I believe I will see him again. My beliefs keep me going.

My condolences, stay strong
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Rookiesmama
Amatusze, I also said goodbye to my (dog) Rookie on Friday. Like you, it was something I decided, which compounds the guilt for me. My Rookie still had moments where he seemed attentive and wagged his tail, but I also saw his frustration- overnight he had become partially paralyzed, and it was causing him severe anxiety and an unwillingness to eat or drink. I'm sorry I have nothing to say that can ease your guilt, as i'm working through mine. My mind keeps coming back to a sweet dog I had growing up- with her, we undoubtedly waited too long, and unintentionally caused suffering. With my Rookie, it might have been a day early, but i'm trying to think of that as a positive.

Our babies left us on the same day.... maybe they've already become friends at the bridge. Keeping you in my thoughts!
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Tankie12
Amatusze and Rookiemama both of you had the most painful decision a pets owner can make. A wonderful woman’s friend said to her ‘we hurt so they won’t have to’ I can’t think of a truer way to put it. You didn’t mention how old your Freddie was. But a cat who’s stressed with car rides and vet visits just isn’t a good candidate for chemo. Just those weekly or bi-weekly visits would be enough to further lower his immune system. You did what you could but guilt always sticks it’s ugly head into hindsight. Rookiesmama they are so good at concealing pain and anxiety so you knew when you were seeing these things it was time. This is the hard part. Living without them the precious presence of them. Keep coming back and reading the others stories its a great help right now, take care,,,,,
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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amatusze
Thank you all for your kind words.  Freddie was 12 so not a spring chicken anymore but having grown up with cats who lived into late teens or even 20 I felt I might have let him down by not doing chemo and giving him an extra year.  But then as you said I worried that I would decrease whatever time he had left by stressing him out with injections, car trips, people handling him all the time, etc.  The vet who came in to euthanize him said after I expressed that I was struggling with my decision as it might have been too early (he was different but not at a suffering level that I have read on here) and she told me her motto is that it is "better do it a month too early than an hour too late" because the latter usually means horrible suffering.  On a cognitive level I get it but man my emotions are taking over and I feel just so so guilty!!!!!  I think it is because I just miss his presence, I want him here, I want to pet him while he's laying on the couch.  I hear and see him everywhere.  
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Rookiesmama
Thank you for your kind words!
Gosh, that's true--we definitely hurt, and I'm hanging on to the belief that Rookie is whole again, on all 4 legs. I'm going to bring his ashes home in a bit, which is hard to fathom BUT i'm glad he'll be back with me.
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