Mamacat

Two days ago, I put my Duchess, a  19 year old domestic long hair female, to Rest In Peace.

She was suffering from kidney disease, losing weight (down to 6.5 lbs dorm 10.2), and finally I witnessed her crumpling to the ground and not being able to get back up.

i put her on the bed, watched her carefully.  She looked to be having focal seizures, with her front limbs stiffening up, her mouth pinched, her whiskers forward, and pupils fixed and dilated.   


I knew what I had to do to end her struggling and suffering.  I made an appointment with her in home vet for the next evening, feeling like I could help her through the next day.

i spent that night and the next day on the bed with her, cuddling and loving her, and vice versa.

She was put to sleep on Thursday,June 25, 2020.  I feel like I’ll never get over it.  

Any feedback is welcome.

 

Barbara
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Morriash
Hi Barbara, 

Your story breaks my heart all over again. I truly understand what you are going though and I am so sorry for your loss.

On April 16th, I had to put my beautiful best friend of 18.5 years to sleep. She was the light of my life, my soul cat, my best friend, my sweet baby girl. She was also suffering from Kidney disease and had lost much of her weight as well (down to 5.8 from 10lbs within a year and a half period). She was also suffering from diabetes, diabetic neuropathy, and occasionally flare ups of pancreatitis. It was hard to watch her change from her once lively, demanding, classy self to a shadow of herself. Because of the kidney disease her fur had begun to mat back in the fall of 2019 and her appetite would vary. I was constantly changing her food to keep her eating as she would stop eating if she was bored of the brand. She absolutely despised the kidney and diabetic food so I let her live herbest life and chose to feed her what she liked best. At the end, she had stopped eating for a couple of days, only eating a bite of food if presented it to her while she was laying down and only drinking water with milk mixed in. She looked so tired and sad, like she was ready for a break and so I chose to end her suffering after helping her fight her diseases for almost 4 years. Just like you I spent our last night and half day snuggling, sleeping together, and telling her how much she was loved and how much joy she had added to my life.

Putting Patches to sleep was the hardest decision I have ever had to make and to this day I question whether it was the right one. I wonder if I should have treated her one more time or investigated one more time. I worry that I ended her life early and that I stole time from her. 

There are days where I feel like I made the right choice and I bask is the hope that she is in heaven, pain free, and happy- waiting to reunite with me one day. Other days the "what ifs" crawl in and the guilt and grief come back with a vengeance. Everyday I miss her. 

My advice to you is allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to cry. Everyday, take some time to be sad and to miss your fur child. And most importantly, know you are not alone. There are so many of us out there that know what your pain feels like. I have personally found this forum useful for my grieving process. Having people to share your grief with, that truly understand where you are coming from, is such a blessing in disguise.

Sending you strength and hugs,

Ash and Patches(November 2011-April 2020)
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Mamacat

Dear Ash and Patches,

Thank you for the response!  I didn’t know if my letter got posted.  I wasn’t able to post a pic of Duchess for some reason.  Couldn’t upload and send it.

Well, your kitty’s story sounds a lot like mine!   The matted hair, weight loss, changing food, all the time.  In my frig, I could count up to five small cans at any given time.  Duchess started refusing her k/d food after I started feeding her good old high protein.  But, she would only eat from a freshly opened can in the end.  

I don’t think you can say that you did this too soon.  You knew in your heart it was time, and you made a brave, unselfish decision to give your cat the peace she needed.  They say that cats will hide their pain...how much pain was she in that you didn’t know about?   

When any animal loses almost 50% of their weight, you know they are weakened and don’t feel well.

Someone recently told me that she was too cowardly to put her cats to sleep, and would let them die on their own.... That hurt me just to think about it.   That’s not you or me.  Thankfully.  

When Duchess was too weak to walk, eat, and I saw what I thought was a focal seizure on last Wednesday, I immediately contacted her vet.  I had a sweet night and another day with her.  She climbed on my chest to give me some hugs that day, last Thursday, and it broke my heart.  

When her vet arrived, I got a small towel and wet it for to wipe the tears from my eyes while the vet was putting her to sleep.   I don’t have any regrets.  Sometimes I wonder if I let her go too long.  But I don’t question it anymore.   She was struggling to live, and that caused me terrible pain to watch.

I really appreciate your reaching out to me.  I am, and will be, in pain for a long time to come.  This is my fourth day without her.   I’m going to make a journal and do a collage of the pics I have of her. 

Did you have your kitty cremated,and , if so, what will you do with her ashes?

wishing you the very best,
Barbara








 

 

 

 

 

 

Barbara
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Morriash
Hi Barbara,

Thank you for the kind words and reassurances, they do help, even if they don't halt the "what ifs" completely. Also, thank you for sharing your story with me. I find that the more people I talk to who have experienced a cat loss related to kidney disease, the more I am able to rationalize my decision in a clear cut medical way. It's when love and the feelings of missing her terribly creep in that the guilt and questioning myself comes back.

As for what I did with her body, I decided to cremate her. We moved between 4 homes during her life, so it wasn't one specific place that she called home. To me, and this might be selfish, I was her home. Her and I truly had a special connection, more so than I have had with any other pet. My thought process was that if I got her cremated, she would never truly have to leave her "home". I couldn't imagine burying her at our current home and then moving, it would truly devastate me to leave her behind.

I currently keep her on my bedside table. With her neuropathy, she wasn't able to get up onto the bed towards the end and I was too worried that she would hurt herself jumping down if I left her up there when I fell asleep. But she loved sleeping with me and laying on the bed, so to make up for her lost time on the bed, I keep her right beside it. Everyday I try and sit with her for a little while on the bed and reminisce. I find that this helps with my grieving as well.

A journal is a great idea. I wrote Patches a letter and tucked it into her wooden chest urn. It was definitely therapeutic to me to put my thoughts into writing.

Did you get Duchess cremated?

Warm regards,

Ash and Patches
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Mamacat
I wrote you a really long note, then I see this Reply place.  I don’t know where my note went.  I think it went into a new thread to you.  I hope you can find it!  I’m not that good with this techie stuff.
Barbara
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