lotusbunny

This is my first time posting in this community, and it was recommended that I should find a support group, so here I go. Sorry if it’s a long one.
This past January, I lost my 1 year old boy Luxor (who I called Piggy) to pneumonia. His entire death was a series of traumatic events that still haunt me to this day, nearly 5 months later.

He was a Golden doodle I rescued along with his sister at 6 months old from an Amish puppy mill in Ohio. Unbeknownst to myself and my family, but the entire time we had Piggy, he had undiagnosed Mega esophagus, a condition that is a result of bad breeding. It causes dogs to vomit up their own food and many times aspirate. Piggy aspirated at some point and the food taken into his lungs developed into walking pneumonia: a pneumonia that only shows itself when it’s too late.

Along with all this chaos, he had developed a autoimmune disease that caused his white blood cells to be attacked in his jaw area, preventing him to open his mouth. He was put on autoimmune suppressants, so he had no fighting chance to even fend off the pneumonia. 

I was angry for a long time. Angry at religion, and angry at his vet and internal medicine vet for not catching the megaesophagus sooner, as it was becoming more and more prevalent in the doodle community. And then I was angry at myself for not noticing something was wrong sooner. 

I pour over and over in my mind every single step leading to the death, thinking what I could have done different, or if I had only caught it just one day before, or if only I had just taken him sooner, maybe he would still be here.

I’ve owned dogs before, so the concept of losing a pet wasn’t foreign to me. Four months after my first dog passed away, Lux and his sister Lulu bounded into my life. And then a year and two months after owning him and his sister, he was gone. 
However, his death and my current grief is nothing like I ever experienced with my previous pets. 

I’ve been experiencing flashbacks of the day he died and intrusive thoughts on practically a daily basis. I’ll be doing the most mundane activities like washing my hair or doing dishes, and then I can smell the emergency vet hospital, or hear the vet telling me that she recommends euthanasia because he will just continue to suffer. I can see him laying there on the table, or the last memory I have of him awake is sitting inside an oxygen box gasping for breath. And then I see him on the table hooked up to a ventilator being bagged.
This is something I hope no one ever has to experience. Not even my worst enemies.

My bond with Lux was something I had not experienced before with a dog, but something I always wanted. And I think that is why his death has impacted me the way it has. 
My first dog was very cat-like and independent, and very stubborn. (Standard poodle. God bless them. But man they can be total cats.)
I loved him, but never had that spark/connection I felt with Lux. My first dog was moreso my mother’s dog than anything else. Lux gravitated towards me, and Lulu gravitated to my boyfriend, and everything seemed to fall into place.
I never had a dog that would seek me out personally, or wonder where I was in the house, and to have that was one of the most heart-filling things I’ve ever felt.

When I had Lux, it felt like that piece of the puzzle that I was missing all my life had been finally completed. I felt a peace in my being that I had never quite experienced before. Almost like Yin and yang in the form of two pups rolling around on my floor. Him and his sister’s presence filled my life with starlight. That’s quite honestly the only way I can describe it.

I called them the Gemini because they were littermates/twins/born in the month of Gemini. They were/are my twin star pups. And their fur was/is bright and warm and white like stars. 

And then the starlight faded as fast as it came. 

I rescued another dog because Lulu stopped eating in the absence of her brother and I felt that she needed a companion. She was a bonded pair to Lux and I couldn’t help see her grieving the way she was. My new addition Dio is a wonderful dog, but I think I was desperate in hoping I’d find that same spark I felt with Lux.

I still feel empty and almost void of emotion. I love him very much, but that spark isn’t there. Even my spark towards Lulu has gone and I just feel like an empty shell. 

For the first two weeks I couldn’t even bathe. I’ve gained weight and my manic depression has become worse. My boyfriend has been an incredible support system though all of this, but he too was present for Lux’s death and I don’t want to bother him even more because it’s just the same thing: I’m sad, and I miss my dog. I feel like you can only hear that so much. He’s grieving over Lux’s passing as well, and I don’t feel like it’s fair to him.
This Sunday is Lulu and Lux’s 2nd birthday. Last year we had a huge party for them with a cake and their friends over to play, and now I feel nothing but grief that Lulu will be spending it alone, without her brother.
For those of you who have read this far, thank you for listening. I‘m very thankful for finding this forum and for the wonderful people who run it.

 

Here is a picture of my Piggy, Lux.

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Lux and his sister Lulu on their 1st birthday
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-Kitty
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Yaoyao
Hi Kitty,

Piggy, Lux and Lulu are so adorable! I read your story and I am so sorry for your losses, and I'm so sorry that you are going through these stages and feelings. I don't know what I can say to comfort you since I just lost my baby Albert(you sent me a very kind message yesterday and I really appreciate it, you have no idea how much it means to me to hear those kind words). 

I want to say that, I completely understand that you feel angry. I've been feeling a lot of anger as well, mostly, I feel so much anger and blame towards myself. I'm replaying the last day over and over again, the night before he had the stroke, and the details when I took him to the ER. I blame myself for not being able to notice anything to prevent his suffering. I can't forget about the image of him laying on the floor shaking and gagging for air. All I can think about is what I should've have done but didn't. Yesterday when I came home I could only sit on the floor in the kitchen because I didn't have the courage to go to the bedroom or sit on the couch, I didn't eat anything because I want to punish myself. Today I finally closed my eyes for a little bit, but I don't want to get out of bed. I haven't brushed my teeth, showered or anything since Monday night. I talked to my parents and best friend, but I don't want to keep calling them because like you said, one can only hear the same thing so much. 

I know I have a long way ahead of me, it's not going to be easy. I know the pain never actually goes away but it gets easier day by day. Your babies are so lucky to have you in their lives, and so are you. I truly believe in fate now. We and our babies, we choose each other for a reason. The bond you have with your babies will always be there, and will only get stronger. I am in no place to give you advice, but I do believe you still have a strong connection and Spark with Lulu, even if it doesn't feel this way. You are still healing, and that takes a very long time. Each of our babies is different from one another, it might be difficult to find exactly the same connection, but you will build a loving and trusting relationship with each other over time. I completely understand how you feel though. I was in the process of adopting another cat before my Albert passed, now I don't know if I should postpone this process because I'm worried it might replace Albert (even though I know no one can ever replace him, I guess it's the guilty talking), or I would compare new baby with Albert.

Anyway, I hope this can bring you even just a tiny bit of comfort. I think you should celebrate the 2nd birthday for Lulu, let her know that she still has you and you love her more and more each day. I wish you and Lulu a happy birthday and I wish you the best in the journey of healing. 

Best,

Yaoyao
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lotusbunny

Yaoyao,
Your words were comforting to read and I truly appreciate you taking the time to read my story and share more of yours.

As you stated so wonderfully, I’m not in any position to give you advice, but I think you should go ahead with the adoption. I adopted Dio only 10 days after Lux’s passing because Lulu had nearly stopped eating entirely. My boyfriend had to hand feed her and she would only take so much. Dio has helped her a lot, and he has also helped me keep occupied. There are those moments of stillness and quiet and memories and sadness come flooding in of Lux, but I’m thankful Dio brought his spunk into my home. I’m hoping this reluctance on my heart and feeling of indifference will go away. But you’re right. I’m still healing and each bond is unique. How you stated that was truly beautiful. Piggy (Lux) will always be my star baby, and I will probably never have that bond again with another pet. But at least I was able to experience that at some point in my life, despite how brief our time was together. 

Just take each day at a time. Little by little, the numbness does indeed go away. You have just gone through an extremely traumatic experience, and your mind and body need to recover and heal from that. Be gentle with yourself and take the time you need. 
For a while I only ate to live, and food tasted like ash in my mouth. My boyfriend would literally spoon feed me or else I wouldn’t eat, and I’d spend my lunch breaks at work sobbing in my car. When my first dog Gandalf died, I was suicidal for some time. I used to commute into the city by train and I would stand in front of the train platform just contemplating of stepping out. It wasn’t my finest hour and grief can truly make us the most vulnerable. 

I think what’s truly made me feel alone in all this is that I no longer have *my* dog, if that makes sense? Lulu is very much my boyfriends dog. She adores him to pieces and they have that relationship I had with Lux. Dio also gravitates towards him as well and it’s like salt in a wound. I think my boyfriend senses it because he’ll try to put them in my room to have them sleep on my bed (we currently sleep in separate bedrooms because we’re quarantining at my parents house and they still live in the 1950’s. Blech.) but as soon as he closes they door, they get up and want to go to his room. It’s none of their faults, but that green little demon of envy rears it’s ugly head in those moments and I have to remove myself and go to a private area in the house until it goes away.

I know I said this earlier, but I’ll say it again: Please be kind to yourself. It took me a long time to stop blaming myself. This wasn’t your fault, and how the nature of these things work make us truly feel helpless and useless. I had to come to terms with that even if I noticed something a day earlier or two days earlier, I still would not have been able to save my baby. And I think that was the hardest thing to level with myself. As easy as it is, you mustn’t blame yourself. You did literally everything you could have possibly done for Albert. And he was so lucky to experience having you as his owner. Don’t punish yourself for something that was entirely out of your control and let yourself mourn and grieve.

As for family and friends, I understand that feeling. That’s honestly why I joined this group because I didn’t want to burden my friends and family anymore. So please feel free to message me on here. You’re not alone in this process, and we are all going through similar thoughts and feelings.

My boyfriend and I decided that we will indeed celebrate Lulu’s 2nd birthday. We’re going to bake her a cake and buy her tons of stuffed animals. She’s quite the princess so we’re looking forward to spoiling her and giving her extra love. I also plan on lighting some incense and putting a small piece of cake in front of Lux’s urn.

Take care and try to hang in there the best you can, my friend.
—Kitty


Yaoyao wrote:
Hi Kitty,

Piggy, Lux and Lulu are so adorable! I read your story and I am so sorry for your losses, and I'm so sorry that you are going through these stages and feelings. I don't know what I can say to comfort you since I just lost my baby Albert(you sent me a very kind message yesterday and I really appreciate it, you have no idea how much it means to me to hear those kind words). 

I want to say that, I completely understand that you feel angry. I've been feeling a lot of anger as well, mostly, I feel so much anger and blame towards myself. I'm replaying the last day over and over again, the night before he had the stroke, and the details when I took him to the ER. I blame myself for not being able to notice anything to prevent his suffering. I can't forget about the image of him laying on the floor shaking and gagging for air. All I can think about is what I should've have done but didn't. Yesterday when I came home I could only sit on the floor in the kitchen because I didn't have the courage to go to the bedroom or sit on the couch, I didn't eat anything because I want to punish myself. Today I finally closed my eyes for a little bit, but I don't want to get out of bed. I haven't brushed my teeth, showered or anything since Monday night. I talked to my parents and best friend, but I don't want to keep calling them because like you said, one can only hear the same thing so much. 

I know I have a long way ahead of me, it's not going to be easy. I know the pain never actually goes away but it gets easier day by day. Your babies are so lucky to have you in their lives, and so are you. I truly believe in fate now. We and our babies, we choose each other for a reason. The bond you have with your babies will always be there, and will only get stronger. I am in no place to give you advice, but I do believe you still have a strong connection and Spark with Lulu, even if it doesn't feel this way. You are still healing, and that takes a very long time. Each of our babies is different from one another, it might be difficult to find exactly the same connection, but you will build a loving and trusting relationship with each other over time. I completely understand how you feel though. I was in the process of adopting another cat before my Albert passed, now I don't know if I should postpone this process because I'm worried it might replace Albert (even though I know no one can ever replace him, I guess it's the guilty talking), or I would compare new baby with Albert.

Anyway, I hope this can bring you even just a tiny bit of comfort. I think you should celebrate the 2nd birthday for Lulu, let her know that she still has you and you love her more and more each day. I wish you and Lulu a happy birthday and I wish you the best in the journey of healing. 

Best,

Yaoyao

-Kitty
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Yaoyao
Hi Kitty,

I am so sorry for confusing Piggy, Lux as two different dogs! Please forgive me, I do not have the clearest mind right now. 
I'm so happy to hear that Dio's arrival helped Lulu, our babies need to grieve too and sometimes it's hard for us to understand the bond they have with one another. In your situation, I definitely thing it was the right decision to adopt Dio. Both you and your boyfriend are so sweet and caring! Iy always warms my heart to hear stories like this, to know there are many people who care so deeply about our fur babies.

What you said makes completely sense. You did lose "your" dog, and that's something that no one could ever replace. I 100% understand how you feel seeing the close relationship your boyfriend has with Lulu and Dio, it must be hard. But if it could make you feel any better, isn't that something we should also celebrate and be happy for them? Like you and Lux, they have such a connection that no one else could give them! So they are very lucky to have each other and to experience what you have with Lux! I know it's easy for me to say because I am not in your situation. But I do believe that deep inside you are also very happy for them to have that bond! I know it hurts right now because the same bond you have with Lux is missing. It might feel like that, but they are with us spiritually. Believe that Lux is watching you and he knows that you're hurting and you miss him. They never truly leave us, they're no longer with us physically, but their souls are still here in our hearts, and that's eternal. I keep telling myself that (trust me, I break down so many times the last couple of days and just start crying like a baby), because I find myself calling Albert's name out of the blue and I swear I can feel his presence in my apartment. 

Thank you for the sweet words. The hardest part for me so far is the guilt. I'm not presentable to put it in a nice way, I almost feel like I need to go through some pain myself to make it up for him. I have never ever experienced feelings like this, I always thought I was a positive person and I could always try to find the positives in a bad situation. But this is so different. At some points yesterday, I  felt like what's the point of life, I don't want to have a life without Albert, I want to go with him, I'm just not strong enough the endure a life without him. I admit, I'm the weak one in our relationship, I need him way more than he needs me. He  had such a big heart and he was so patient and tolerant with me. But I get upset with him sometimes simply because he jumped on my laptop and "interrupted" my work. I don't deserve him at all. The last two days, I constantly have the thought that, would he have a much better life if he got adopted by someone else? I need to confess here, I was not the best of myself the last couple of months, work, school, the entire situation has brought some really dark sides of me. I get impatient and irritated a lot, and sometimes I would get upset with him and raise my voice. He didn't deserve any of this. I try to think about the happy moments in our lives, but all I could think about is my impatience. And how I forgot to turn on the heat in the car on my way to ER, they said his body temperature was extremely low and he must be so cold on the way there. I guess only time will heal and only time will take away the guilt and the self blame. 

Anyways, I'm sorry for the rambling. 

I'm really happy to hear that you're going to celebrate Lulu's birthday this weekend! She is so lucky to have you both! At times like this, it's important we keep  out other babies routine and make sure they know they are loved (Im sure she knows how much you love her!) I think it's really sweet for you to set a place for Lux, even though you can't see him but he will be there and enjoying the celebration with you all. I believe Lux will want you to move on, to love another dog like you love him. Our babies have unconditional love for all, they would want us to continue sharing our love and to take care of more animals like them!

Thank you so much for talking with me, you have no idea what it means to me right now! I'm very lucky to have found this community and to share  my feelings with you!

Best,

Yaoyao
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lotusbunny

Hi Yaoyao,

Please don’t worry about apologizing!! It’s an honest mistake and it can get confusing to relay messages over this kind of format. 

It’s a very bitter/sweet feeling to see my boyfriend with Lulu and Dio. Deep down I am happy he gets to have that, and despite my insistence he denies that Lulu is *his* dog. I know he’s saying it so I don’t feel bad, which is very thoughtful of him. You’re absolutely correct in that I should celebrate that for him. I know Lux is still around, because I can hear a dog coming up to my bedroom or my bedroom door will open and no one will be there. I still call out for Lux. I gave him so many ridiculous nicknames (like every other pet owner) and I still call them out when I’m home alone. Or at night, I’ll go to his urn and then Gandalf’s urn and give them a little pat and wish them goodnight. 

I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself 🙁 The feeling of guilt is totally normal, but you shouldn’t put yourself through pain to make it up to him. I think you know know deep down this is something Albert wouldn’t for you. 

The things you feel guilty about are a natural part of grief, but were out of your realm of knowing during the time. You had no idea his body temperature was low, you had no idea about many of the things that happened to him internally, and you mustn’t blame yourself. The “if only’s” are what will drive you deeper down the hole. I would research every day about mega esophagus and would tell myself “if only I had taken him in earlier”, “if only I had questioned the doctor”. I eventually got past this stage, it’s normal, but don’t be consumed by it. 🙁
Being irritated by our pets is completely normal. I have ADHD and BPD and sometimes when he and Lulu would bark, my sensory issues would go off the kazoo. I would get mad at Piggy and yell at him because he used to eat my TV remotes whenever he got anxious (one of the many reasons I called him Piggy. He would always try to eat everything.), constantly try to eat sticks and other nonsense in the yard, or if I was doing something on my laptop or playing a video game, he’d paw at me for attention and I would push his paw away because I was busy. I would tell myself “if only I walked him more or played fetch with him more” because fetch was his favorite thing in the whole wide world. But these are completely normal, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about that. We all do it, and it’s totally natural. 

You and Albert had, and still have, a beautiful bond, as it’s evident with how strongly you feel about his passing. He loved you, and you love him, and I think that’s more than enough of a testimony that you both were destined to be companions. You did deserve Albert, and I feel he was truly lucky to have you as his parent for his sunset years. Who knows where you would have been if you hadn’t adopted him? He was there to help you along during those darker times, and support you when you felt most alone and vulnerable, and he felt comfortable enough and trusted you enough that he continued to give you all of his love until the very end. As you said earlier, there is such a thing as fate, and it was fate for you and Albert to meet and form such a beautiful connection and bond that you will carry on for the rest of your life.  

Yes, the guilt does go away, the self-blame does go away with time. Let the grief run it’s course, allow yourself to mourn in the way that you feel is right and proper. This grief and pain is nothing like any other I have ever experienced in my life. I would rather my grandparents die over and over again, or have my heart broken by a boy over and over than to feel this kind of pain. I don’t have any children, but if I ever lost one, I feel like this is what it must be like. Children and pets are both innocent creatures you raised and who depended on you, and that is what, I feel, makes it so difficult.
I hope you decided to go forth with adopting this other cat you talked about earlier. For me, it was a hard adjustment because Dio and Lux are completely different dogs, and the dynamic of going from a bonded pair (siblings no less!) to that of dogs that are strangers is quite the adjustment. Lulu and Dio’s relationship will never ever be like the one she and her brother had. But that is what makes this new chapter unique. I can tell myself that I gave Dio a new chance at life, he now has a backyard he can play him, and he adores Lulu to pieces. (Not sure how she feels about him, but that’s for another day.)
Like you said to me, I will say the same to you: I do think Albert would want you to eventually move on and find another feline friend. He would want you to fill your world again with purrs, chirps, and laptop interruptions. It doesn’t have to be right now, but when your heart is no longer aching as much, when feeling returns to your fingertips and food no longer tastes like ash. That is the gift of unconditional love that our fur babies give to us, so take heart in remembering that. 

I feel like sharing my feelings in writing has helped me along with my grief process and I hope talking about it is helping you as well. Thank you for being open in talking with me, and I hope to hear from you soon. I recommend listening to Tomorrow Will Be Kinder by The Secret Sisters. It helped me a little bit.

All the best, and I hope today is a little easier for you.
—Kitty

Yaoyao wrote:
Hi Kitty,

I am so sorry for confusing Piggy, Lux as two different dogs! Please forgive me, I do not have the clearest mind right now. 
I'm so happy to hear that Dio's arrival helped Lulu, our babies need to grieve too and sometimes it's hard for us to understand the bond they have with one another. In your situation, I definitely thing it was the right decision to adopt Dio. Both you and your boyfriend are so sweet and caring! Iy always warms my heart to hear stories like this, to know there are many people who care so deeply about our fur babies.

What you said makes completely sense. You did lose "your" dog, and that's something that no one could ever replace. I 100% understand how you feel seeing the close relationship your boyfriend has with Lulu and Dio, it must be hard. But if it could make you feel any better, isn't that something we should also celebrate and be happy for them? Like you and Lux, they have such a connection that no one else could give them! So they are very lucky to have each other and to experience what you have with Lux! I know it's easy for me to say because I am not in your situation. But I do believe that deep inside you are also very happy for them to have that bond! I know it hurts right now because the same bond you have with Lux is missing. It might feel like that, but they are with us spiritually. Believe that Lux is watching you and he knows that you're hurting and you miss him. They never truly leave us, they're no longer with us physically, but their souls are still here in our hearts, and that's eternal. I keep telling myself that (trust me, I break down so many times the last couple of days and just start crying like a baby), because I find myself calling Albert's name out of the blue and I swear I can feel his presence in my apartment. 

Thank you for the sweet words. The hardest part for me so far is the guilt. I'm not presentable to put it in a nice way, I almost feel like I need to go through some pain myself to make it up for him. I have never ever experienced feelings like this, I always thought I was a positive person and I could always try to find the positives in a bad situation. But this is so different. At some points yesterday, I  felt like what's the point of life, I don't want to have a life without Albert, I want to go with him, I'm just not strong enough the endure a life without him. I admit, I'm the weak one in our relationship, I need him way more than he needs me. He  had such a big heart and he was so patient and tolerant with me. But I get upset with him sometimes simply because he jumped on my laptop and "interrupted" my work. I don't deserve him at all. The last two days, I constantly have the thought that, would he have a much better life if he got adopted by someone else? I need to confess here, I was not the best of myself the last couple of months, work, school, the entire situation has brought some really dark sides of me. I get impatient and irritated a lot, and sometimes I would get upset with him and raise my voice. He didn't deserve any of this. I try to think about the happy moments in our lives, but all I could think about is my impatience. And how I forgot to turn on the heat in the car on my way to ER, they said his body temperature was extremely low and he must be so cold on the way there. I guess only time will heal and only time will take away the guilt and the self blame. 

Anyways, I'm sorry for the rambling. 

I'm really happy to hear that you're going to celebrate Lulu's birthday this weekend! She is so lucky to have you both! At times like this, it's important we keep  out other babies routine and make sure they know they are loved (Im sure she knows how much you love her!) I think it's really sweet for you to set a place for Lux, even though you can't see him but he will be there and enjoying the celebration with you all. I believe Lux will want you to move on, to love another dog like you love him. Our babies have unconditional love for all, they would want us to continue sharing our love and to take care of more animals like them!

Thank you so much for talking with me, you have no idea what it means to me right now! I'm very lucky to have found this community and to share  my feelings with you!

Best,

Yaoyao

-Kitty
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Yaoyao

Hi Kitty,

Happy birthday to Lux and Lulu! I hope you guys are having a great day!

I think your boyfriend is really very sweet, and I also believe that he does think Lulu belongs to both of you and him. You are a family together, that’s the most important thing! Family exists in so many different ways and forms, it’s such a precious thing that you get to share this bond with him and with your babies. I think Dio also feels very lucky to be part of this loving and caring family of yours. Give yourself, him and Lulu sometime, it might take a little bit longer, but eventually all of you will build a strong and unique connection, just like you all did with Lux.

I can’t thank you enough for the support and understanding you have given me! When I read your message, I cried, but those were not tears of pain. I know I am not alone in this, and your being so generous and open about your experience and feelings has helped me so much in the journey of healing. You are so right about feeling guilty, and about us not having control over everything we would like to. That generated so many thoughts in my mind the last couple of days. It really made me dig deep in my heart and try to sort out the emotions. Why would I get so obsessed with things I had no control of, there must be something else besides the fact that I loved Albert and don’t want to lose him. I was reading a book about Stoicism, before Albert passed (I haven’t done anything since then). And something struck me yesterday, maybe it’s partly because I believe Albert belongs to me, that he is mine. I’d like to think that I always treated him equally, treated him as he was his own being, instead of my property. I think sometimes people (at least me) get possessive over other people, animals, things we love because our love is so deep that we want them to belong to us only. I’m sorry if I don’t make any sense now. Maybe that’s part of the reason why it is so hard to let go. I finally took a shower yesterday, first time since Albert left, and left my apartment for the first time too. I went for a long walk and really thought about my feelings and emotions, I know it’s impossible to get everything figure out I guess I just really need something in my life that even it makes a tiny bit of sense, it would help me a lot. I asked myself many questions, do I love Albert? Do I respect him and his life? Do I want him to be happy and free of pain? Do I want to continue his life and honor his life? …… And for a brief moment, I felt I found the answer. Any life in the world, belongs to its own, and has its own meaning and purposes. I was so lucky that I got to be part of Albert’s life, I encountered him during the journey of mine. And he was generous enough to share his life and wisdom with me. He never belonged to me in a way that made him my possession, he belonged to me as my life partner, and he was and will always be equal to me. Now, it is his time to leave, to return to his roots, or back to the universe, whichever is his choice. I should respect that and let him go. In that sense, I never lost him because I never owned him. Does this make sense to you? I do believe in fate, and I think it was fate that put us together and I am so thankful for having the last five and half years with him. I am in no way trying to convince you of anything, I just wanted to share my thoughts with you, and maybe it could give you a little bit comfort as well.

 

Your love for Lux, is so deep and pure, there is no doubt in that. Like you said, we all make mistakes, we are human beings who are not perfect. The fact you adopted Dio, is your way to honor Lux’s life and to continue his memory! You have such a big heart and so much love to share, even though you were heartbroken, you didn’t let that stop you, you didn’t become scared to love again. You opened your heart to another life who needs a home and love! That’s so beautiful and we need more people like you. I know people grief differently, and some people feel like they can never love again, they don’t want to experience such pain again. I completely understand that and I respect that. But I think you are absolutely right about adopting another animal after the loss of loved ones, it does not only help us to move on to love again, but more importantly it gives another life a second chance! What can be better than spreading our love to honor our babies? I believe they all have more love to give, even if their physical presence is no longer here, their spirits are free and they want us to have a good life and to be kind!

Your kindness has given me so much inspiration, comfort, and peace at heart! Lux was so lucky to have you in his life and I know he is so proud of you for being so sweet, caring, and kind! He would want to share this with as many people and animals as possible!

I came across with a post online yesterday, it says that the loss of our loved ones is tragic, but also it puts us in perspectives, gives us a pair of clearer eyes to see what’s important in our lives, and to cherish what we have. I definitely can feel that now. Albert’s departure made me reflect on myself and my life so much in the past few days. I am so grateful for that, and I wouldn’t have been the person I am without him.

Despite all I said above, I’m still struggling with the pain. Last night, I couldn’t sleep in the bed, I felt so uneasy and I couldn’t help but reaching out for Albert. So I slept on the kitchen floor again, and cried myself to sleep. I know these tough moments will be here for a long time, but I want to be strong, not just for me but also for Albert.

You’re such a strong person, maybe you don’t feel this way, but the fact that you adopted Dio and gave him a home is sufficient evidence for that. You might feel weak sometimes, but your actions are of courage. And I really respect that and look up to it. All those sweet moments you had with Lux, you will have them with Lulu and Dio, and with more others in the future! I decided to go on with the adoption, and I want to thank YOU for that. I probably wouldn’t have the courage or hesitate for too long.

Can’t believe I wrote so much today! Like you said, writing these feelings and sharing them with you helps me with my grief and helps me look at things from a more positive perspective.

I’m very lucky to have “met” you and to have the opportunities to share my experience with you. I can’t thank you enough for that.

I wish you all a great birthday party today! Celebrate the life of Lulu, and the legacy of Lux!

Take care!

Best,

Yaoyao

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