Happy birthday to Lux and Lulu! I hope you guys are having a great day!
I think your boyfriend is really very sweet, and I also believe that he does think Lulu belongs to both of you and him. You are a family together, that’s the most important thing! Family exists in so many different ways and forms, it’s such a precious thing that you get to share this bond with him and with your babies. I think Dio also feels very lucky to be part of this loving and caring family of yours. Give yourself, him and Lulu sometime, it might take a little bit longer, but eventually all of you will build a strong and unique connection, just like you all did with Lux.
I can’t thank you enough for the support and understanding you have given me! When I read your message, I cried, but those were not tears of pain. I know I am not alone in this, and your being so generous and open about your experience and feelings has helped me so much in the journey of healing. You are so right about feeling guilty, and about us not having control over everything we would like to. That generated so many thoughts in my mind the last couple of days. It really made me dig deep in my heart and try to sort out the emotions. Why would I get so obsessed with things I had no control of, there must be something else besides the fact that I loved Albert and don’t want to lose him. I was reading a book about Stoicism, before Albert passed (I haven’t done anything since then). And something struck me yesterday, maybe it’s partly because I believe Albert belongs to me, that he is mine. I’d like to think that I always treated him equally, treated him as he was his own being, instead of my property. I think sometimes people (at least me) get possessive over other people, animals, things we love because our love is so deep that we want them to belong to us only. I’m sorry if I don’t make any sense now. Maybe that’s part of the reason why it is so hard to let go. I finally took a shower yesterday, first time since Albert left, and left my apartment for the first time too. I went for a long walk and really thought about my feelings and emotions, I know it’s impossible to get everything figure out ☹ I guess I just really need something in my life that even it makes a tiny bit of sense, it would help me a lot. I asked myself many questions, do I love Albert? Do I respect him and his life? Do I want him to be happy and free of pain? Do I want to continue his life and honor his life? …… And for a brief moment, I felt I found the answer. Any life in the world, belongs to its own, and has its own meaning and purposes. I was so lucky that I got to be part of Albert’s life, I encountered him during the journey of mine. And he was generous enough to share his life and wisdom with me. He never belonged to me in a way that made him my possession, he belonged to me as my life partner, and he was and will always be equal to me. Now, it is his time to leave, to return to his roots, or back to the universe, whichever is his choice. I should respect that and let him go. In that sense, I never lost him because I never owned him. Does this make sense to you? I do believe in fate, and I think it was fate that put us together and I am so thankful for having the last five and half years with him. I am in no way trying to convince you of anything, I just wanted to share my thoughts with you, and maybe it could give you a little bit comfort as well.
Your love for Lux, is so deep and pure, there is no doubt in that. Like you said, we all make mistakes, we are human beings who are not perfect. The fact you adopted Dio, is your way to honor Lux’s life and to continue his memory! You have such a big heart and so much love to share, even though you were heartbroken, you didn’t let that stop you, you didn’t become scared to love again. You opened your heart to another life who needs a home and love! That’s so beautiful and we need more people like you. I know people grief differently, and some people feel like they can never love again, they don’t want to experience such pain again. I completely understand that and I respect that. But I think you are absolutely right about adopting another animal after the loss of loved ones, it does not only help us to move on to love again, but more importantly it gives another life a second chance! What can be better than spreading our love to honor our babies? I believe they all have more love to give, even if their physical presence is no longer here, their spirits are free and they want us to have a good life and to be kind!
Your kindness has given me so much inspiration, comfort, and peace at heart! Lux was so lucky to have you in his life and I know he is so proud of you for being so sweet, caring, and kind! He would want to share this with as many people and animals as possible!
I came across with a post online yesterday, it says that the loss of our loved ones is tragic, but also it puts us in perspectives, gives us a pair of clearer eyes to see what’s important in our lives, and to cherish what we have. I definitely can feel that now. Albert’s departure made me reflect on myself and my life so much in the past few days. I am so grateful for that, and I wouldn’t have been the person I am without him.
Despite all I said above, I’m still struggling with the pain. Last night, I couldn’t sleep in the bed, I felt so uneasy and I couldn’t help but reaching out for Albert. So I slept on the kitchen floor again, and cried myself to sleep. I know these tough moments will be here for a long time, but I want to be strong, not just for me but also for Albert.
You’re such a strong person, maybe you don’t feel this way, but the fact that you adopted Dio and gave him a home is sufficient evidence for that. You might feel weak sometimes, but your actions are of courage. And I really respect that and look up to it. All those sweet moments you had with Lux, you will have them with Lulu and Dio, and with more others in the future! I decided to go on with the adoption, and I want to thank YOU for that. I probably wouldn’t have the courage or hesitate for too long.
Can’t believe I wrote so much today! Like you said, writing these feelings and sharing them with you helps me with my grief and helps me look at things from a more positive perspective.
I’m very lucky to have “met” you and to have the opportunities to share my experience with you. I can’t thank you enough for that.
I wish you all a great birthday party today! Celebrate the life of Lulu, and the legacy of Lux!