hudel
Right now, I feel so numb, in a fog. I just had to put down my sweet, sweet dog Travis. I had rescued Travis from the pound 7 years ago. Before I adopted him he had faced neglect and abuse at the hands of individuals who used him as pit bull bait. As soon as I saw him in the kennel all those years ago, it was love at first site on both ends. Me-I already had one dog and wasn't prepared for a 2nd (or so I thought at the time) but he drew me in with those sweet eyes and gentle nature......him-came right to me and pressed against my leg for protection. I didn't think twice and adopted him. He loved my dog, Shayla. They were the best of friends. She always pressed him to play as she was a lab, and he put up with her. They basked in each other presence for 5 blessed years. In July 2012, Shayla was diagnosed with immune mediated anemia. I tried every treatment for her for 3 months, but in July 2012 she had a series of cluster seizures, was hospitalized, after treatment went into respiratory depression and arrest was intubated but deprived of too much oxygen. I was quickly called in and couldn't see her in that state and stayed with her until she passed and joined others over rainbow bridge. They determined that she developed clots to kidneys, brain & lungs. I was a mess. She was my first dog ever....the best dog in every way...comforted me in my sorrows.....laughed with me in playful moments and was present in every significant moment. I thought I would never make it through....couldn't get out of bed. But, who was there....Travis. He stayed with me every moment....The moments that I was angry thinking how can I get only 7 years with the beautiful being....for my tears, questioning if I had made the right decision. He laid with me, my support...his head right next to me, beautiful/angelic eyes staring into my own. 

Last week, Travis stopped eating. I thought he might be okay...intermittently I could get him to eat wet food, he still jumped around for his walk when I mentioned the word, anxiously waited, barked and licked my face on my return home for work. Thought it might be a virus. Still I aired on the side of caution, based on previous experiences.....took him to vet Wednesday. She thought the same...maybe a virus...keep trying. By Saturday, energy had decreased and he was breathing with difficulty when sleeping. Took him back in...exam still was o.k. (despite me hearing wheezing when asleep) but did draw blood. Still went on his walks. Today....wouldn't eat or take treats in morning....so sleepy all day....got home from work...he cried for me (as usual when I came home), begged for me to rub his butt. But, wouldn't eat even a treat, wouldn't drink water, just kept laying down. Called normal vet...who in a sense blew me off until I demanded lab results that I had paid for and took him to specialty/emergency hospital. 

At specialty hospital, of course he was frisky interested in everything. Many families commented how friendly and handsome he was. They took him back, internal medicine doctor so empathetic and kind. He, too thought based on vague symptoms it might be something minor...but listened and was concerned by breathing when asleep. He suggested hospitalization over night. 1/2 way home....dr. had already obtained x-ray results, and asked me to come back. I knew based on my gut that this was it. I came back and with tears in his eyes the doctor showed me the x-rays...My precious Travy had diffuse nodules all over his lungs, mass on liver, mass on spleen. Consistent with cancer originating in spleen. Based on breathing a few days...maybe. I couldn't let him suffer. 

They brought him into the room...he ran, tail wagging to greet me. Licked my faced all up and pushed his butt in my face to rub. How can I do this? Right after this thought entered my mind, he promptly collapsed on his side...gentle eyes watching me...but chest heaving. I put Shayla's collar on him, so that he could find her quickly I laid on my side...... as how I often laid with him and looked into his eyes as it happened. The doctor was so comforting, as he was crying with me. And he passed so peacefully. Then I bawled, I cant do this....I'm making wrong decision.....I'm numb......And there he was so still...I stayed embracing for him in his stillness. 1/2 comforted thinking he is with his b/f shayla, finally. She is comforted finally having someone she knows, and he is having someone to welcome him; 1/2 angry-2X only 7 years with both of the most beautiful dogs ever...why me; Guilty...What did I do? And here I am 2 hours after...numb....looking for him...thinking I see him...trying to smell him on his bed....What just happened? I look back and think of so many times.....including the very end....him trying to be strong for me. Please, reply I truly feel replies or shared experiences would possibly help me greatly in my grief.



Beth Hudak
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Bellamum
Beth,
I am so, so sorry that you had to say goodbye to Travis.  I read your post in tears. I understand completely all of the feelings and thoughts that you described.  This raw, overwhelming pain is numbing. All of the conflicting feelings are confusing.  Sometimes it feels like we are losing our minds.

I know how difficult it was to make the decision to end your beautiful Travis' suffering.  I too made that decision for my gorgeous beagle, Bella, who was suffering from kidney disease.  I now describe that decision as both the hardest and easiest decision I have ever made. The hardest, for obvious reasons...I never, ever wanted to say goodbye to her.  The easiest because I loved her too much to watch her suffer and when she was diagnosed i promised her that I would never knowingly let her suffer.  Initially I felt enormous guilt and questioned my decision and every decision i made for her after her diagnosis.  Now, I realise, that you and I gave our babies the most loving gift we could give them.  We ignored our own "wants" and focussed only on their needs.  Be proud of yourself for that.  You showed Travis just how much he means to you and he would be grateful.  

This road of grief is long and very, very hard.  I feel like I take one step forward and then two giant leaps backwards.  People on this forum assure me that it will get easier to cope with.  We will always love and miss our dear Travis and Bella, but our heart will begin to heal and we will remember them with more smiles than tears.  Hold your sweet memories in you heart forever.

I wish you peace and healing.
Karen
(Bella, Charli and Buddy's very lucky mum)

My gorgeous girl, Bella  26/07/2004 - 03/04/2014
"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."
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hudel
Thank you Karen, it may seem strange.....but it means so very much. I almost embarissengly felt that I would be prepared for this after my 1st dog passed. But, indeed I am not and am going through the same feelings. One moment I feel somewhat okay that those 2 are together, the next miss my dog by my side.

Beth Hudak
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MonkeysMama
hudel,

im so sorry. I'm crying as i write this and my heart breaks for you. 

im so thankful you were with a caring vet, I'm so thankful you were able to say goodbye.

i miss my sweet boy Monkey so much and thinking of what you're going through hurts my heart deeply.

I hope you'll find my story and read it if you have time.

Every day is so hard and some days harder still. I just want you to know you're not alone. Ever. ever. ever.

My heart breaks for you and my soul is sending as much love to you as I can muster.

i miss my boy so much. and I've had weeks and weeks to grieve and try and comprehend it all and i still can't.

i still can't believe he's really gone.

i imagine it will take you time too to accept it, I'm still trying.

i just want you to know that all the while you're trying to accept it and deal with it, we're all here for you. my heart is so broken. for you. for my monkey. for everyone here. sometimes its so hard to come on here and read about what others are going through. but i just have to to make sure you know you're not alone.

I'm just so sad still. and I'm sorry that you're feeling this...so fresh, so brand new.

it hurts. so much. and i'm so sorry you have to feel this kind of pain too. 

i know with time it will be different. i don't know how long ill be on this journey of grief but i don't see any end in sight anytime soon. I'm so lucky i found this community. without it, id be even more lost. without these people, id hurt even more than i already do.

i truly am sorry for what you're going through. i'm sorry you look around your home and see your baby but your baby's not there. its the worst.

just wanted to send my love and just be sure you had replies to come back to.

sincerely,
angelena
Monkey
April 1st, 2011 - June 7th, 2014
Rest in peace my sweet baby boy, I can't wait to see you again.
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Katel
Dear Hudel,

Yes, I join the other people here who have replied and are in tears because so am I.  You described your feelings and what happened so vividly.   My heart just breaks for you losing your beloved Travis like that and of course sweet Shayla not so long ago. 

One thing that strikes me is how you said Travis in the shelter pressed your leg for
protection and I can see he chose wisely as you loved and protected him for the rest of his life and made up for all the misery he had had.  It was a wonderful thing you did. 

He loved you dearly and then when Shayla passed he was by your side loving you some more. But then you got that agonising diagnosis of Travis' disease, and I can only begin to imagine
how devastated you were.   He did tell you what to do though, by laying down like
that and you were there for him and loving him while he found his way to sweet Shayla.

So they are together now but you -  as all of us  - are left alone with that most tearing
grief and longing.     My sweet Charlotte cavalier passed only 3 months ago and her
little mate Danny the Chi fretted for her, and now I am faced with his passing as he also
has been just diagnosed with an aggressive cancer.   He is ok right now but the minute
he begins to fail I will have to take that lonely road again to the vets, knowing that he and
Charlotte will be together but I will be left with my tears and saying why why why.

I can only repeat that we are all sharing that grief here,  and here for each other
so I send you love and blessings. and hope you find some comfort from them.  

Kate 
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