seeUagain
I just had to put my 9-yo baby cat to sleep a couple days ago. He had a hereditary kidney disease and his kidneys had apparently failed based on the symptoms.

He was just too young, and it was all too sudden. I had expected him to be able to survive a little longer and was not prepared for his departure at all.

I know by the last few days he was suffering and he had to be given relief. His heart had also likely failed and fluids were accumulating in his little lungs, making him breathless all the time. He could not eat, could not drink, struggling to breathe. There was no way to safe him.

I just never, ever thought this day would come only four months after his diagnosis, as he was not doing too bad at the time of diagnosis.


The first few hours it was shock and inability to process the situation. Then as the reality set in, I was walking all over the house calling out his name. I looked at all the places he would usually be and imagined him still there. I imagined him going about his daily routine - eating, drinking, using the litter-box, coming to the bed to sleep on my legs. I imagined stroking him and caressing him as he purred and closed his eyes.

Sometimes there was a sense of panic as I walked around the house and realized I could not find him in his favorite places. It seems to get harder as the days go by, as the initial shock fades, and as reality sets in. To say it is painful does not even begin to describe it.

I miss this boy immensely. He was brought home from the streets when he was a tiny 10-week-old kitten. He quickly loved the home and grew up to be a big, pretty boy.

As we've lost a dog before, raising him up, I tried to give him my best in hopes that if something were to happen to him, I would not have so many regrets. But sometimes it seems that however best you try, it is just never enough.

Over the years he became very close and attached to me, often sleeping on my legs at night.

He was a king of purrs. Would purr whenever you just looked at him, whenever you just called his name.

He knew I loved him so, and I know he loved me back. Which makes this separation so hard to bear.

As if missing him is not enough, I'm riddled with guilt. Guilt over many, many things that could have been done differently since his diagnosis that would not have made his condition deteriorate so quickly. Guilt over the times I did not sit with him when he wanted to be stroked. Guilt over the times I got annoyed at him. Guilt that I did not appreciate him enough while he was still here. I took him for granted at times. And for all that, I will carry this guilt for the rest of my life. As he never failed me they way I failed him.

I miss him meowing in his own unique way whenever his name was called. I miss him meowing demanding attention. I miss him coming up to sleep on my legs at night. I miss him looking intently at me with his big eyes whenever he wanted attention. Most of all I miss his strong, healthy self back.

He deteriorated so quickly and in just 3 days I had to let him go. And the worst part was he suffered so much in the 3 days because I was selfish - I could not let him go sooner, I could not bear to say goodbye. That added to my guilt. I caused him prolonged suffering.

The days ahead will be oh so long and painful. I have another baby cat with cancer that I will also have to say goodbye to. I do not dare to imagine the day both of my babies are gone.

I can only try to comfort myself that I will see him again, this time healthy and strong; the day I will hold him in my arms again. I sure hope that day comes soon. Because life without his presence and love is painful. Very painful.


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xxcesarxx
RIP
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Kittypiller
So sorry for your loss I completely understand what you are going through I had to euthanize my 4 1/2 year old cat Butters on December 21st 2017 due to cancer and kidney failure and am still so heartbroken over loosing her. What you are going through is all part of the grieving process and it's not easy to deal with. It's been 4 months since I lost Butters and I still hurt every day wishing I could change what happened. I am here if you want to talk it helps some to have someone else who understands what you are going through
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phalaris14
  I am so very sorry for your loss and my prayers are with you in this very emotional time. All of the emotions you are experiencing are a normal part of the grieving process. Please come to this site often... you are not alone. Many of us here share the same pain you are now feeling. Please do not feel guilty... we all did what we thought was right at the time. Come here often.. it helped me immensely.
                                            Bret
[image]
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Boots_McGraw
Please understand that our companion animals know only our unconditional love for them. The concept of "failing" is unknown to them, that being a human construct.

You must forgive yourself, because you did no wrong; you did what you felt was right at that moment. Your sweet kitty knew that everything you did for him was out of love, so there is no transgression that needs his forgiveness.

I wish your heart healing, and peace and comfort to you during this painful time.
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seeUagain
Dear xxcesarxx, Kittypiller, phalaris14, Boots_McGraw

I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for having taken the time to read my post, and to have taken the time to write sweet messages of comfort and consolation. I thank you all for taking the time to let me know you understand and you care, and that my baby's story is noted. Thank you all once again.

My other cancer cat was diagnosed four months ahead. Due to that fact, and the fact that her symptoms were very severe initially, I was emotionally preparing for her to depart first, and for a while this kidney cat got sidelined, as I had thought I would still have more time to spend with him.
I feel immensely guilty over this, and shocked as I was not prepared at all for him to go first.

It's so emotionally draining when your babies are diagnosed with terminal illnesses all around the same time.

Grief, and especially the accompanying guilt, are tormenting feelings to live with. The pain is still very raw as this just happened 4 days ago.

Right now I'm just missing him so much. My two kitties are not the super cuddly and hug-able type. But this boy would at least let me carry him in my arms or lie on my chest for a couple of minutes. I miss being able to spend that time with him again.

Kittypiller, my deepest sympathy to you over Butters. I must have been so hard to suffer from both cancer and kidney failure.

phalaris14, thank you for writing, and for your advice to visit the site often to help with healing.

Boots_McGraw, you have very wise words. I thank you deeply for your kind wishes.
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Shortnsassy87
Dear SeeUagain,

My loss is very similar to yours. I put my dog, Beowulf, to sleep Tuesday. He had been acting “off”, but last Sunday, I realized he was showing signs of congestive heart failure so I rushed him to the vet. On Monday, his results came back as having tumors in his chest and abdomen. He couldn’t eat either, and I knew he’d given up and was waiting to die, so I made the decision and put him to sleep Tuesday. I held his head in my lap and stroked his head the entire time. I could barely drag myself away after his heart stopped beating. I just continued sitting there stroking his head and staring st his chest as if I expected him to start breathing again—silly, I know, because the vet had even told me he was gone but that’s the kind of love we have for our babies.

I also had those panicky moments where it finally dawns on me that this is real life and not just a nightmare. I see flashbacks of him around my home like curled up on his bed and such. Sometimes I stare at the bed I can’t being myself to remove yet half expecting to see him there. I have a son turning 6 months old and if I wake up with him in the middle of the night, the pain washes over me because I remember I no longer have to watch where I’m stepping in the dark because I no longer have a dog to trip over. Sometimes I have flashbacks of how I last saw him...laying dead on the cold floor of the vets. Ive lost my baby, and it’s traumatic.

It was suddenly and previously he always seemed like he had so much energy for a 9 year old bullmastiff mix. I thought we were going to have more years together. I wail how unfair it is. I’m heartbroken, and I don’t know how to move on. I’m consumed with thoughts of my baby.
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Snowfire
You just described how I feel. My cat same issue. Vet called today to come by for his ashes which will do. He goes with the other 3 boxes and cards. My dog Stormy , mom's Bandita (cat) and Puppers, American Eskimo. My dog was one too.
Think you loved your cat huge like I did mine He came to me dumped as a tiny, lovable stray kitten. He was pure love. Hurts to the bone losing him.
May both our hearts heal. Sorry about your other kitty. Been there too. Take care.
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tonyaheike
 I am so sorry about your beloved cat.  I had a similar situation with my cat Gustav. I got him when he was 8 weeks old, when I was single, and was my first kitty ever.  I loved him so much. I took him to the vet two weeks ago because he was drinking a ton of water and not eating much, and as a result, had rapid weight loss.  I had no idea it was terminal, I just thought that he would be on some meds or something, and we'd go about our lives.  
His lab results were horrible and we made the decision to euthanize.  I called my husband to be by my side as I was devastated.  Gustav was dead within 90 minutes of my visit.  I have no regrets in putting him down because he was so very ill.  But I miss him so much! He was only 10 years old.  :(
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seeUagain
So today is two weeks since I had to put my baby cat to sleep. Sadly for now I am finding it a little harder to cope.

In the first week I had always questioned why I did not cry or break down as much as I thought I would. After one week has passed is when I realize the loss and the pain become so real and intense and I keep breaking down in tears.

I supposed for the first week I was either numb with pain, numb with helplessness, or due to shock, was yet able to process the full gravity of my loss, or all of the above. I was mostly numb and in a daze. 

The past week has been filled with a lot of deep heartache missing my boy and numerous, endless flashbacks of life with him that made me keep breaking down.

Just today while vacuuming the floor, I accidentally hit the vacuum robot and it turned on, and I broke down thinking of how he always got nervous whenever the robot was run, and there I was, all alone, with no cat reacting to the sound of the robot switched on.

While vacuuming one room I broke down seeing a mat he used to sleep on, and I bent and sat down imagining I was beside him caressing him, holding his front or back paws in my palm as he fell asleep, a ritual he loved and a ritual we did a lot of. And I wept thinking, "That's it. I'll never be able to do our rituals together anymore."

Every single moment of the day I think of him, and I keep telling him how much I love him & miss him, how much I'm suffering without him here, and how I'll always be waiting to see him again.

Every night as I lie sleepless in my bed, I stroke the air imagining that I'm stroking him, saying how so, very sorry I am for failing to care for him better.

Nine years is such a short time, and I don't know where the time went. I still remember vividly the day I took him home when he was so small he fit into my palm.

I could not, and still can't, close my eyes, thus have not been able to have proper sleep. When you close your eyes, you focus on your loss and the subsequent pain, and it becomes unbearable. So I just wait till I'm too exhausted to keep my eyes open, then I fall asleep for a while before I wake up in panic that I'm missing a cat at home. And the cycle repeats.

Initially I had so little appetite I barely ate; now I'm comfort-eating. It's crazy.

Out of everything - the pain of the loss and missing him, the sleeplessness, the not eating and the eating too much, the worst of all is carrying the burden of guilt.

It's mostly guilt that keeps me up at night - ruminating and beating myself over what went wrong. Thinking about all the procedures, treatments, medications that he had had prior to being found out that he had a kidney condition; all the things that likely had contributed to his early kidney damage....

I keep thinking if things had been done differently, would he still be here ?
I keep thinking of all the things I could have done better after he fell ill, if I had done them differently, would he have been able to hold on longer and not succumb to his illness so soon ?

It is a horrible feeling that they depend fully on you to look after them and to realize that you didn't do a good job at it.

Guilt, is a massive burden to carry. I can not elaborate as I'm unable to bring myself to do it, but I feel that I contributed to his early demise by the wrong decisions I made in the last two months of his life.

It is a helpless feeling to try to give my best to them, and realize in the end that however best I try, I still did a lot of things wrong, and they paid the price with their precious life.

Shortnsassy87, yes, I too wail at how unfair life is to them. They are nothing but cuteness and innocence in one, and I don't get why they have to suffer incurable illnesses when they can't even tell you how they feel, and there you are worried sick over what's wrong with them and how to help them feel better. I'm crazy mad at this unfair cruelty.

Losing a beloved little companion is traumatic enough, and my trauma is exacerbated by his suffering in the last three days of his life. It's ugly and I can't stop running it over and over in my head, and feeling incensed that an innocent life had to go through something like that.

tonyaheike, I'm really sorry, too, about Gustav. I understand your loss and your pain. You were brave and strong and selfless in quickly deciding to let him rest before he suffered too much. I had to wait three days to make that decision because I was a selfish chicken.

It was a bitter-sweet memory as although he was really sick for the two days, on the last day he suddenly became cuddly and it was on that last day that we actually managed to do our little ritual together one last time.

It hurts me so, so much remembering the time he was healthy, active, eating well, and always playing with my other cat, and comparing it with his last moments.

At the very end, only my husband went in with him into the clinic. I knew my baby would have wanted me there, but I could not bear the thought of seeing him being put to sleep.
I wish to remember him as my usual sweet little boy, not as a lifeless body.

Snowfire and Shortnsassy87, I'm sorry about your beloved kitties and dogs. It hurts real bad when they are ill and there's so little you can do for them. I wish you all healing too, in time.

Thank you to whoever is reading. Do share your thoughts or share your stories. They will be encouraging and deeply appreciated.

I've got no one to talk to about my grief.

My husband is cold and distant and hates talking about and listening to (my) feelings, so that is pretty much self-explanatory.

My mom, in her old age, has become a controlling, self-absorbed, narcissistic woman who only thinks of her own comfort and convenience and regarded this sick cat a burden, and is happy he's gone.

Tried talking to some cat-owning friends, but find them shallow. So here I am grieving all alone.

Thank god for this forum and the caring people who write sweet messages or share stories.

To everyone who's here because of the same unfortunate reason, take care.
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Snowfire
You touched me very deeply with your pain. Same for me. I couldn't stay was afraid my breaking down would make it worse and sleepless night, difficult to concentrate or eat. I cry every day right after work. Hard to hold it in and yet feel numb too.
Sorry your family cold. We will all help each other here and yes it helps to know others get it. People that love animals are the best in the world. Shows your deep capacity for love.
I also feel guilty but blood tests confirmed no hope. Didn't want to go as knew it would end that way. Can barely rememberr driving home alone.
Come here often. We will all get through this together! You can reach out to me anytime.
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Missingmybaby101


I am deeply saddened by your loss. You have my deepest condolences. I also had to put my sweet dog, Daisy, to sleep this past Sunday. I know how bad it hurts, as I am going through it too. I hope you can find comfort in this forum, because we all know what you are going through and have felt this kind of pain. 
I am sure that your sweet kitty knew how much you loved her, and she would thank you for what you did, as you gave her eternal peace. I am thinking of you and sending you good thoughts. We are all here for you and will continue to support you.
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ChronicallyAce
I am so sorry about your boy. It sounds like he was such a wonderful, loving kitty. I went through something similar... it'll be a week ago tomorrow. My boy was only 5... he had a heart disease, but he had been responding very well to his treatment the last couple of years and the vet expected he would live at least another 10. I'm still bitter over the sudden loss of him. It's not fair and it seems to magnify all of the guilt and regret.

I promise the guilt will ease over time. Over the past few days I've started to come to terms with the fact I did all I could. The what-ifs come and they are still popping into my head at times, but slowly they start to fade away.

The sadness is something that will last for a long time, but I hope you find some comfort here.
Dante
3/19/2013 - 5/4/2018
You are gone, my special boy, but I will love you forever. R.I.P.
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