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Stasia

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Reply with quote  #16 
I know. It was just me and Sylvester. So many breakups, homes, jobs, etc. He was always there. Always there. And then he wasn't. I felt so alone.
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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #17 
Well you’ve come to the right place! I think this makes us all feel like helpless kids who are lost and have no control. For the most part I do a good job at ‘ walking the walk’ but it’s been since Jan 3rd and I still don’t want to be around my friends. I don’t want to hear the ‘ I’m sorry’s’ or ‘ at least she not in pain’ or ‘ she’s in a better place’ All well meant but to me it’s just words, words I don’t want to hear. What makes you feel better is very individual. My husband reached out to his friends and that helped him. So do what your insides say. Maybe right now that’s all you can do
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Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #18 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tankie12
I’ve always found writing to be easier than talking. I can’t talk and cry but I can move my fingers! My baby is gone and the pain is with me almost constantly. I gave no understanding as to why God made their lives soo short when our love is soo uncontrollably strong,,

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Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #19 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boomboom
I'm a 39 yo man who works on electricity & grew up playing sports & so on but now I feel like a lost little boy that all he wants is his dog back

How ya doing BoomBoom? This is the toughest road I’ve ever hard to walk and I’m a pretty tough aiss chick, well I used to be. As I write I feel like a crumbling mess. But, she is worth all the pain and grief. She gave me soo much more

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Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #20 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tankie12
I’ve always found writing to be easier than talking. I can’t talk and cry but I can move my fingers! My baby is gone and the pain is with me almost constantly. I gave no understanding as to why God made their lives soo short when our love is soo uncontrollably strong,,


I’m looking back, from the first of my posts to now. Revisiting the desperation, the pain, the loneliness of this grief that reverberates deep into such darkness. Sometimes I catch that glimmer of light, than like a falling star it’s fades into the night. I saw this and it really spoke to me

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jpeg 4DD15F95-A9E8-4C8B-B606-52763BEAEB17.jpeg (80.27 KB, 20 views)


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Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever

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Reply with quote  #21 
Lynn,
I am so glad you have had some comfort.  We are all just moving along this path/journey trying to deal with each day and each emotion.  The ups and downs, and probably the heaviest burden, the guilt...We are such wonderful self-punishers and to our special fur ones they see us as wonderful care-givers and takers.  Truer words were never spoken that those above...I agree with this - and struggle each day with my losses.  We have lost our so special ones that define who we are, what we want to be, and who give our world security, safety and purpose. We struggle to know what was the right decision, what was not, and with those should haves, could haves and maybes...It is a long journey - one without a clear destination...and often since my losses I feel like I am waiting...waiting for what I don't know, but just waiting...maybe for those paws to just sneak around the corner again....
Know you are not alone - to have loved so purely, so deeply and to have lost this - it is not something 'we just get over'...ever.

"Those who think there is a time limit for grief, have never lost a piece of their heart."

Take care - hugs.
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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #22 
So glad to have people whose hearts are on this same path share and reach out. Today I had to take her sibling to the Vet and a lrg, over 80 lb shep mix walked in. Tankie was a very lrg female, peaked at 117lb with a beautiful thick shepherd coat. I instantly saw he was young and his eyes were unafraid and kind I instinctively reached out and pet him with my fingers automatically burrowing in the thick neck fur. It felt so natural and I immediately realized why. I loved on my Tankie like that, feeling her thick soft fur, grabbing her neck and planting kisses all over. I miss that, I managed to hold it togather with the tears in check, not spilling over. I love her sister, she’s also my baby. Something was different between Tankie and I. She was near me almost always, not in the way, well sometimes ya, lol, but she just loved me soo much and I adored her. Browns doesn’t have the shepherd coat, it’s short I love on her also and we talk about Tankie and I tell her how much her sister loved her, and I let her know I grieve as she does. I know she understands. I had to get her a puppy, she became so depressed after wks of looking down the road for her Tankie she didn’t want to go outside, she quit looking out the window. She needed more than I could give her, she needed another dog. He’s a rescue, lil terrier, big terror. But he has loved Browns to no end. She is dog aggressive and has a strong prey drive. I spent wks watching body language and he pushed her to the point that he probably deserved a nip. Almost 4 months later and he lives. He was meant to be here, he is her dog. Thank you for your kind words, i would be so much worse off it not for the everyone here, take care of you
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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #23 
Tankie for a fleeting second yesterday I felt like my fingers were buried in your thick soft beautiful mane. I saw those sweet beautiful eyes. It happened so quickly I didn’t know what happened until it was to late than it took everything to keep those tears from slipping over. But I kept them right there this time, they blurred my vision but I didn’t let even one drop fall this time. It hit me and took my breath away, the memories of that last nite, the last time till just than, that my fingers had been full with the feel of soft thick fur. Remember how many times Mommy ran her finger through yours? Your full gorgeous coat, remember how I nestled there with my face soo many times before? Remember how on that last night I held your head on my lap, my fingers stroking, breathing in your scent, trying to hold it in, forever ? Over and over trying to physically keep every physical part of you with me, because they were on their way. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay in the room when they put you in that bag, I just couldn’t watch that Tankie, I couldn’t. Just like I couldn’t take that last car ride with you. Your body was no longer mine😔 I tried to explain that and so many other things to you, but mostly how much I’ve always loved you, how you were the bravest most wonderful girl ever and that Mommy would always, always love you. I wanted you to know so much before they took you. Remember how whenever daddy left the room I checked for your heartbeat? You just looked to peaceful, you couldn’t have been dead, what if you were just sleeping really hard and I was just holding you and not doing something that would help you? Remember when I saw the pink around your muzzle and realized you can’t be dead!! I dream like lowered my head my head closer to examine the pink? My fingers exposed as I tilted your head. My fingers, the only pink. For that crazy second I thought it was all a huge mistake,,,,, maybe death is so hard to accept because it isn’t the end, it only feels like it, the longing feels like forever. Maybe Not accepting death is built into our being because death isn’t final. Maybe we are like children in God’s eyes who aren’t being patient enough to wait for what he said he would provide. Eternal life for all, and our babies are just happily waiting for us at home, till we get there,,, I think I’ll run with that thought for now
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Reply with quote  #24 
Tankie's Mom,

A beautiful message to your sweet girl -and no shame in letting those tears slid down -[believe me, I think I have cried just about every where - over your letter to Tankie, the grocery stores, doctor's office, you name it!] -as those tears is the love expressed now in a different way.  We want to believe and hold tight to every part of our fur one...their scent, the feel of their fur, the look in their eyes...The physical tangibles we built our knowing and loving them around...Death is not the end Lynn, the bonds forged between our fur companions and ourselves are forever -time, physical form, space does not alter nor change this...And Tankie will let you know she is still with you -walking each day with you and still listening for your voice.  Her life matters and therefore so does your grief - no matter how long, and in what form - grief is because of love.  Our fur ones are our comfort, our consistency, our 'ports in the storms of life' - patient, resilient, accepting and full of unconditional love.  Without them it is as if we have been 'cut adrift' into that rocky sea once again without that safe haven.  There are some days we can navigate well enough and then other days we are just lost - grief, sorrow because we have been loved so well and we loved so well.  Take care - and know your 'gentle giant girl' is padding along beside you...a true guardian angel.
Browns is a lucky pup to have you understand and share her grief and to now have her 'own puppy'.  [This touches on one of my own reoccurring guilts with one of my girls-sharing the grief...]Browns now has a guardian angel sister and an earthly angel sister to keep her save and from loneliness.  
Lynn, thinking of you and wishing you just a moment today of calm and peace within your heart and soul.  One day, one step at a time.  
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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #25 
Cody, thank you so much for you kind responses, they truly are appreciated and you have such a way with your lovely words, of course I was crying. Sometimes I have so much to say and can’t find the proper way to say it. Sometimes words aren’t enough. But you always find a way to soothe what seems impossible. Yes we try to hang on to each memory and sometimes something happens and you realize you forgot. I forgot how wonderful my baby’s soft thick fur felt against my touch. That might have been that best and worst thing at that moment. That familiar feel wasn’t kept alive until it was tangible. I had to feel it, remembering wasn’t enough. Just reminds you of the harsh loss. You said something about revisiting guilt about the baby left behind. I looked for what you meant and I’m sure I found it. I have no doubt your baby felt your love, they grieve with us, not apart from us. They are lost at the same time we are and yet with us in that darkness. Tankie and Browns were my bottle babies and though birth sisters were/are very different. Tankie would have missed her sister if she’d gone first, but she had me and our special bond. Browns had her sister, and even though I tried to share her grief, I wasn’t enough. It took this pain in my a#ss puppy to pull her up. He is without a doubt Her puppy. Maybe because he was taken from his mother young and in a foster home for a few wks with too many other dogs to get his individual attention. I think St Francis picked out what she needed. He from the first meeting has really mothered her. I saved something I want to read further, it was about the calming soothing affects grooming has on animals, grooming between animals. He grooms her, non stop. You are my groomer with your words. Thank you for being there and I hope you have soothing comforting dreams of your cherished babies tonight, hugs
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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #26 
Hi Lynn. I know that was a very rough reminder, encountering the big shepherd, as you did. It's so natural that you instantly plunged your fingers into his/her fur and also so natural that your memories of a gazillion times that you felt similar warm furriness were rekindled in your heart and mind. Such a double-edged sword, memory is. Love and loss intermingled.

I'm hearing that the days and your pain haven't become any easier for you to bear. Some days seem to carry us along, though we don't know quite how we manage, and the calendar clicks by. Other days, at least for me, have been more like chopping through the rain forest with a machete, exerting much effort to get through. And it's something, the way grief is so specialized that it camps out in different form for all of us. Yet we all share the kinship of a broken heart and days clouded by painful sadness.

I dearly hope things start to get easier for you. Sending hugs and warm thoughts. I'm grateful that we're not alone here but are in the company of others who understand.

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Barneyboy

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Reply with quote  #27 
Hi Lynn,

I hope today finds you better.  I have recently joined this site and am amazed at the kind, loving individuals who lend their support during this horrible time.  I lost my boy this Saturday and I am lost and lifeless.  I keep thinking it is a bad dream and that I will wake up to his loving face.

I hope you have a better day and remember the good thoughts 

Laurie

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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #28 
Catie, as always you come to the rescue, for that I thank you soo much. It is a day by day, hr by hr stumble crawl at times. I drew from her courage and strength today in a painful situation knowing how brave she’d been. I hated what I was going through but I imagined her right there with me, and my hand resting on her big soft head. As always, she was there for me. We will wake up tomorrow and perhaps a sweet memory will be our first thought. Many more of those than the ones that tear at our hearts with such grief. The missing is just so hard. I’m glad you’re back, you have been greatly missed as well, but the need to be silent or at a loss of words is just so real. Hugs to you, be kind to you
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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #29 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Barneyboy
Hi Lynn,

I hope today finds you better.  I have recently joined this site and am amazed at the kind, loving individuals who lend their support during this horrible time.  I lost my boy this Saturday and I am lost and lifeless.  I keep thinking it is a bad dream and that I will wake up to his loving face.

I hope you have a better day and remember the good thoughts 

Laurie

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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #30 
Laureen your boy is handsome and I can feel the softness of his beautiful coat. Golden or Lab? I’d say Golden but sometimes a head shot is hard to tell with the coloring. Thank you for responding to my post, so sweet of you and you’ve just joined. If you don’t mind what happened to your baby? As you read, the reasons are different but the constant is how deeply we’ve loved and been loved by our babies. But although they aren’t physically with us that love is just as alive. Nothing that strong can just vanish and I feel my girls presence so strongly at times that I actually have a physical reaction I can’t control. Most of the time her absence is just so raw and painful it’s burns. Their is no pattern or map to follow this journey on its different for each of us, grief is individual, it’s all yours. But you will see we are here for each other in the most comforting way possible. It is the best place to be when the reality and the world is just to hard to be at. It’s not a road anyone should have to walk alone. Let that big beautiful boys memories and love wrap around you tightly. Come often and tell me more about your boy, Take care of you
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Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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