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JennC
Dearest Hammie,

It's been a week since mommy lost you. I thought I was doing better but today I had a few melt downs.

Everyday is like a fog, a dream that I want to wake up from. Mommy needs to be brace just like Hammie mommy knows.

Mommy walk the lake today. Saw another Boston terrier girl. Mommy thought to herself how lucky she was to be Hammies mommy. There's no one like Hammie, so goofy, so adorable, so mommys baby.

Aunt amy and I went to the rescue to help file paperwork yesterday. Bourbon the boxer was so ill I pray to God to heal him. Hammie can you help him to heal from above so that he can go to his forever home soon. He's only two and such a sweetheart, I hope he can find a great match and have the bond you and I have at his next meet and greet.

Aunt amy asked if I can foster him or the frenchie Jacybel or the Boston puppy Jade. I told her I wasn't ready to. Mommy is not ready to have another fur baby in the house but Hammie please watch over them for mommy and see if you can influence the angels to help them find great homes. If you are busy mommy understands too. Be busy playing with all the other dogs and cats and chasing after fruit flies and butterflies.

Thank you my little angel. Mommy had a good talk w grandma yesterday. Because of you I was able to have a heart to heart chat w her and relieve her of all the guilt of having us three kids and seeing our suffering through various things. Hammie u made mommy understand what she had to go through. Thank u Hammie. U made mommy a better person through life and through your passing. I love u my little Prince go play now
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JennC
Dearest Hammie,

Mommy loves you. Are u up there having lots of fun? Mommy misses your mush head and those big big eyes that always looks a bit sad even though we never know why.

Mommy hope you r doing fine baby boy. Mommy worries about you even though she thinks she's just paranoid as always. R u ok my child? That peace I have comes and goes. I will keep praying to God that you are safe, happy and loved and spoiled rotten and that now you can run as fast as you want and do zoomies w all your new friends and get petted as much as you want and all the attention you crave is given.

My Hammie, mommy is thinking about fostering Jade. She's a 9 mos old chihuahua bostie that the puppy mill gave to Auntie Lissa requesting that she be enthusanized. She had been sold as a puppy at 3 weeks and was vaccinated way too soon. She developed seizures and her family returned her to the puppy mill and they didn't want her.

She like u have that initial shy dog impression. All these puppies jumping around attention and she sat in the corner quietly like I did when I first saw you. Hammie she doesn't have your large big eyes nor your big mush head. And initially mommy didn't think she could be one mommy would want. But yesterday dropping off coats you can no longer wear, I saw that she may remind me of you in appearance, her shyness and calm nature remind me of you when I brought you home.

Hammie you later became such a confident big boy. Always still mommy s boy although you stop needing me around to be confident and you loved doggie daycare and time spent w grandma and grandpa. U didn't need me around as much and your confidence and independence made me so proud.

Mommy is conflicted about whether she should foster Jade. Would u be ok w that Hammie? And what if fostering led to adopting her. Hammie please send mommy a sign. Mommy won't do it if you don't want mommy too. If it's too soon mommy understands. I love you my forever boy. You are in my heart as you are my heart.
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Layla34
Dear JennC I am truly sorry for your loss! I pray all of our fur babies are watching over us in this very difficult time. Your posts have brought me some hope that I too may see comfort in this pain one day.
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JennC
Layla 34,

Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry for your pain and grief as well. There's no taking away the sting. The waves of profound grieve and pain comes over through out the day. Every laughter and giggle I hear pains me and the sunshine makes me angry. I miss him and I wonder why despite all the good I try to do, this happened. Every hour seem forever and there's very little peace in sight.

Came back to work today. I am sitting in my car reading the forum as I can't stand sitting in the lunchroom and having to talk to anyone. Nothing is as it should maybe it never will be.

I focus on thinking about fostering another little girl doggie that needs my help. But then I feel guilty for considering it. Is it too soon? I can imagine my dad's angry accusations of me trying to replace Hammie. He will NEVER be replaced. I loved him more than anyone could. Yet the imaginary conversation stings and I have second thoughts. Life will have to move forward whether we like it or no. I just don't want his passing to be for nothing. If it's just for me to have more time to go out and be selfish then it was for nothing. I hope I can find some peace in saving someone who needs saving for I couldn't save my child.

Thank u again
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JennC
Dearest Hammie,

Mommy misses you. Mommy loves you. You are a good boy.
Mommy should've said she loves you and you are a good boy every morning when u woke up. 

Hammie, mommy went with Auntie Amy after work yesterday to help out some rescued pugs from a hoarder situation. She met Auntie Lori who went and drove for God knows how far and pick up 9-10 pug and pug mixes. They were all so sad and scared and some were preggo mommies. Hammie they reminded me of how sad you looked at times in the beginning, but very rarely in the last year. Mommy was never the brave nor selfless one like Auntie Amy nor Auntie Lissa. I hated icky stuff like cleaning after messes or picking up poop.
But you trained me well and I was able to try and pick up after them because I wish I could still pick up after you.  Because of you and adopting you Hammie from that rescue, I met all these ladies who are brave and selfless beyond imagination and I hope some of their characteristics will inspire me to be better.

Hammie, Auntie Amy and uncle Mike are going to foster another preggo pug, who has a foot deformity that will require surgery.  They were the best foster for you and now they are fostering 3, along w their own Mads (yes she still feisty as u remember) and Maisy (she's 15yr old and Auntie Amy adopted her last year after Bully went to heaven). I hope you and Bully are having the best time and watching us for brief time up in heaven in between zoomies to make sure we aren't up to no good.

Hammie I miss the simplicity of our lives together. How easy things were and how mommy could just focus on you and me. But Hammie now that you are up in heaven, mommy needs to be better and do more good, so that mommy could see u up in heaven when it's her time.

I love you and miss you to the moon and back. Go play now my little boy. 


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lettersatlarge

How sweet of you to consider fostering another pup that was abandoned. If you feel you are ready to take on the responsibility right now (I assume there are health complications? you did mention she was having seizures), and feel you have the emotional capacity to care for another ill pup, I know Hammie would never hold it against you. Hammie would want any dog on this earth to share the love he had, and whatever anyone says, you know you're not replacing him.

 

Just make sure you ask yourself, and answer honestly, if you will be able to handle whatever may happen if this new pup is unhealthy. Could you manage?

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JennC
Dear Lettersatlarge,

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. How r u doing lately. I know u must miss Dante greatly and I appreciate you taking the time the rest of us who are in pain.

You r right. I know Hammie has the biggest heart. He has a bigger heart and was always more forgiving than I was. He would have understood because that's who Hammie was. Never fighting for attention or possessive he was such a good boy. I think it's my own guilt that hinders me. My doubting my pain and heartbreak for him when I am so soon trying to take care of another dog. Sometimes it's the self doubt and anger that pulls me down.

I am not sure of anything to be quite honest. But I think the only things pulling me out of grief lately is going to Hammies rescue and doing something, whether playing w the doggies up for adoption or dropping donations off. Jade the puppy isn't my typically dog. For one she's a puppy st 8-9mos old ( due to possibly complications she looks more like a 2-3mos old) and two she's tiny. My Hammie was 4 1/2 yrs old when I adopted him since I was never fond of puppies and their energy level. He was also weighing btw 25-27 lbs and this puppy is about 9 lbs and they estimate as adult maybe 12-15lbs.

I am very fortunate in that I volunteered in the last 2-3 yrs w this rescue and we have a good bond and trust relationship. They loved Hammie like I did and they are fine w me fostering a weekend, a week , a month or adoption eventually. There is no judgement and they think it's a win win as the puppy will get a break from all the other more powerful big puppies that surrounds her.

I don't know what will happen and whether this will work out. But the need to take care of someone else besides myself is what drives me forward. And that need to take care of a dog or puppy from when I had Hammie is what I miss the most. I realize that now I need a furbaby to care for.

Wish me luck and thanks again for caring. Hugs

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JennC
Dearest Hammie,

Mommy misses you. R u having a great time up in the sky w all your new and old friends?  Mommy pray to God for you every night, that you are safe, happy and protected and that God will take great care of you until mommy can be with you and take back that job.

Hammie, mommy put away some of your stuff yesterday. She is gonna donate some of the things you no longer use to the rescue. She did some of that week and few days ago. But this time it's the items hardest to give. But mommy knows that Hammie you will forgive mommy. They are going to doggies that need it the most and who, like Hammie did not have much when they came to the rescue.  Mommy is still keeping Hammie's favorite toys and blankets that have smells of you in a special little box, so that when I need it the most I can open it.

Mommy is going to quit her yoga classes. Can u believe that Hammie. She will still practice or try at home. But it's time. Loosing you made me realize that I was using that as a security blanket for years, but it no longer suites me and it's time to take a break, if not move on.
Hammie, mommy wished she would've in stead of having to rush to make classes, just relaxed and spend it with you. Auntie Amy says it's important to have balance. But I know now that I need a break. You didn't make mommy have to sacrifice yoga, but everything just made mommy realize that isn't working and mommy needs a break from it.

Hammie mommy loves you. U are a very good boy. Mommy misses you very much and is so proud of you. Have fun with zoomies and have a great day everyday. Don't wait for mommy have lots and lots of fun. Remember our pact, you come find mommy when its time.

Love mommy.







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JennC
Dearest Hammie,

Mommy loves you. You are such a good boy. You are so missed by everyone, especially mommy. R u having lots of fun up there? Say hi to Cookie, Agi, Bull, and all of grandma's fosters from Asia for me if you see them ok!

Hammie, mommy woke up in the middle of the night with a panic attack. I now know that with you and your thundering snoring, it helped make mommies anxiety and panic attack dissipate. With out you here, mommy gets them back out of the blue and boy is it no fun. 
See how important you are. Mommy use to complain and joke w others about your snoring, at mommy is so sorry that she was getting at time agitated when you woke her up in the middle of the night cuz you were anxious. Mommy now knows that you may be having heart issues and not that you were trying to wake me up because you had plenty of napping at grandpa and grandma's and couldn't sleep. 

Mommy was not a very good mommy at time. Mommy is so sorry. You are and were a very good boy. Mommy just didn't realize what she had until she lost you. You never chewed on things and mommy didn't have to worry about plants around you as you were just so so well behaved about those things. Grandma and I did joke about how you pee'd in grandpa's shoes and once in grandma's handbag when you first were adopted. They know that you were just trying to claim them as yours as you were so scared and wasn't confident of whom you are and your place in their hierarchy. Or the fights you had w cousin Sunny due to the same reason. Though time you were so respectful of him and so so gentle with him even the few times that he step on you accidentally. You knew he was half senile and most likely blind and deaf as he aged and you were just such a good boy.

Auntie Angela asked about you to grandma recently. She and mommy are still not talking. But she asked about your passing. She still cares about you Hammie, even if she's afraid to show it. You are such just a special little boy. Everyone you met thinks you are so so special and adorable. But mommy knows the most. Thank you for being my little boy on earth. Mommy misses you so so much and hopes you are having the best time in heaven and finding true joy.

Love Mommy.



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JennC
Dearest Hammie,

Mommy loves and misses you so much. You are such a good boy. I think you might have visited mommy again in her dreams, or maybe she was just dreaming away. I hope you are busy up in the sky playing w everyone and having the best time ever. Mommy prayed to God that you are having the most fun adventure and being loved like there's no tomorrow, and that u only think of mommy on very rare occasions cuz you are having too much fun. Mommy would love that as that means you are doing so well as mommy knows you can. Be free my child and have a light heart. Mommy hugs your blankie now until one day mommy can hug you.

Love mommy
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JennC
Dearest Hammie,

I took you home yesterday. The call
Came and mommy felt that profound grief and loss again. I thought I would be fine but I wasn't. Hammie you camenhime the day I pick up your foster sister. Is that a sign u sent to mommy? Or did u know I was going to see auntie Lissa to pick out Jade and you wanted to say goodbye to her? She saw you and she cried Hammie. The lady who rescued thousands and thousands of dogs and have seen it all. She teared up and she was so sad for you leaving us. Do u know how special u are lovebug!

Auntie Lissa said her Chloe's mom passed away recently and I could tell she's devastated. Hammie that's the doggie that inspired Auntie Lissa to do all the great things she does w the rescue. And how u were rescued from that awful awful place and those horrible mean people. I hope u get to meet and play w Chloe's mom up there. She's one special doggie like u Hammie!

Mommy was up w the puppy and didn't sleep well. U trained me well a Hammie. Mommy is doing a better job w being patient because u taught me. Mommy will do better because Hammie made mommy a better person and the love and loss of u on this earth made me realize what is important.

Take care my special little prince. Auntie Amy is coming to the house to baby proof the bsckyard so you two get to see each other. She loves u so so much.

Mommy misses and loves you to the moon and back. U are a very very good boy. U have a big piece of mommy's heart w u so remember to give it back when we meet again.

Love mommy
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JennC
Dearest Hammie

Mommy will stop writing letters to u after this. She will continue to talk to u everyday and talk your ear off like before. But Hammie perhaps you know, mommy sadness has been lifted, perhaps by your doing. You led me back to the rescue with all of your belongings mommy needed to give away. I saw what a great need there is and so much more work mommy can try and contribute to. You gave mommy purpose ehike you were on earth and in your passing, you led me back to more that I can do. You are the best and I was and still is blessed by having you as my child.

I will always love u and miss u. U will always have a piece of my heart and be my 1st child. I look forward to the day that I get to hug u again. Until then, mommy will continue to try and Hammie proud.

Hammie u are a very good boy and I love you to the moon and back. Have fun playing up in the sky my love.

Love mommy

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Chinadoll
Such a sweet posting to your Hammie, got a little teary eyed. Bless you and I wish you the very best. I will say a little prayer tonight for you and your new puppy. Thank you for posting here.
Charlie
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JennC
Thank you so much Chinadoll & Nicky's daddy. I honestly wouldn't have survived my grief and despair without everyone incl you on this forum. Everyday checking this forum made me feel that all of us are grieving together and that we are not alone in this sadness. The comradery and kindness everyone shown to another is the light that helps shine the dark tunnel we were all in. Each kind word and encouragements given can be a difference in life and death in someone else who is suffering such tremendous loss. As such in my case. I felt like hanging myself in the back tree for the first few days. Talking to you all and reading The posts and understanding others situation pulled me from putting that thought into action.

I adore you and your love for Chinadoll and Nicky. You have been so kind and I appreciate you. Take care and know that u made a huge difference and that your furbabies up in heaven must be so proud of you for you put aside your own grief and try can continue to help others in theirs and how you keep their memories alive by sharing their stories.

Hugs
Hammies mommy
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