Jasmalia
Today I made the absolute heartbreaking decision to euthanise my cat Juniper. I honestly don’t think I’ve stopped crying since. Honestly, fourteen days ago, I never thought that this would be where she’d leave me. She showed signs of Ataxia that only progressed up until today. First slowly, and then rapidly over the last twenty four hours. She isn’t my first loss, and she won’t be my last. But it’s hard. That call to make is hard. I’ve only ever once made the euthanasia call, and it was easier. Tizzy had been hit by a car, the signs of loss of quality of life were all there. Juni, however, was almost just about right until yesterday. Sure, there were some problems, but we were in the investigative stage of figuring out what was wrong. Not at the “lay down your weapons, the fight is over” stage.

Almost immediately upon arriving at the clinic today, I was told it was FIP. Which is chalked up as walking into a doctors surgery and being told you have stage 4 brain cancer. We’re sorry. But that’s that. She was still looking around, walking around. But that was that. She had blood work done to more indicate FIP rather than just assuming from her Ataxia, temp and loss of appetite. But alas, that came back not in our favour. The next thing to do was to go to a specialist for a brain scan. And I think about it now, that I don’t even know what we were hoping to get. What other plausible diagnosis we were aiming for. I spent probably an hour just sitting in the consult room, sobbing and cuddling Juni as they called to try and get us in.

I think the time away from having FIP just blasted in my face, gave me some time to, I don’t know. Think. I said to my mom when I left home, that she was either going to die at home or die at the vet. Like somewhere in my bones I just knew. I think the other cats knew, that Juni knew. She cuddled with me last night, never left my side, and the other cats groomed her more than usual. So taking a moment away, i think on some spiritual level, there was this knowledge that the end was near.

It doesn’t for one second make anything easier however. I think it’s not having anywhere to direct anger, like when Tizzy passed away, I could blame myself for letting him be outdoors. But now, there’s no pivotal moment that I can change to stop this train derailment. There’s no possible way I could’ve fought harder. No endless supply of money that could’ve been thrown at the solution. There’s no blame. I mean I’m angry at the thought of god, I don’t believe in him, but I’m still mad at this higher power. Like by some chance if it’s there and it didn’t stop this, well heck you know.

She was eight months and I really don’t know what universal joke it was, to have some brief affair with life. She deserved more, and I just can’t fathom why the universe blatantly refused to give her that. To give me more than eight months with her. I just don’t know how to consol this right now. If I believed that her spirit lingered, or she’d be reborn, some spiritual faith or something that would make this easier I think. To think she was still here in some way. But I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to make this better.
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pannklaus
I am very sorry about the loss of your beloved cat Juniper and the heart breaking decision you had to make.  I had to make a similar decision for my Lenny.  Like you, on some level I knew that the decision would probably have to be made but it definitely does not make it any easier.

Losing Juniper at such a young age makes things much worse.  There is no explainable reason why some of our precious pets have long lives and others get illnesses very early in life.  It just happens.  I have had some pets who had very long lives and others like Juniper were not with me for very long.  

Right now you are going through the miserable grief that occurs.  Anger is a part of grieving for some people.  I don't know any way to make it better for you right now.  All I can tell you is that you are in a forum with people who understand your feelings and what you are going through. We can be here for you as you continue to express whatever you are feeling at the moment.

Again I am so sorry that you had only eight months with your precious Juniper.  I hope that over time your positive memories about the good times you had during that short period will replace your current feelings.
Patsy
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Jasmalia
We’re getting a dog today, a huge decision that was made two months ago before all of this. Another one of my cats birthday is tomorrow, I’m not sure how to be happy for them. Today, I know that she had all the love I could give her in this lifetime, that the decision I made eased her suffering. That everything happened.

I have seven other fur children, and it’s not that I resent them for being here. Two almost had their own lives cut short this year. And I’m sure the grief would’ve been just the same, but Juni required something more that they didn’t. Almost constant supervision and worrying, she got new toys every week, so much was poured into Juni that the others didn’t and don’t need from me. That there’s all of her toys that no one else will play with and I don’t know what to do with them. I know it’s not a decision to make immediately, I just, I have no idea what to do now. How to pull apart from everything I’m feeling for everyone else here and not feel guilty for continuing to mourn Juni.
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pannklaus
Of course you will mourn.  You just lost your precious baby.  There is no reason to feel guilty about that.  There would be something wrong if you didn't feel grief.  Over time you can make decisions about what to do with possessions.  I eventually gave almost all of Lenny's things to other cats in need. I kept a few items that have special meaning to me.  But that isn't something you need to do now.

I suspect that it will be hard to get a new dog immediately after you have lost Juniper.  Since the decision was made a long time before this happened, it is something that you will just have to feel your way through.  Don't feel guilty if you can't form a strong attachment right now to the dog.  It is very hard  to form strong feelings for other pets when you have just lost one who was so special.  

Your feelings are all normal.  When you feel like it you may want to read through some of the other posts in this forum or go to some of the other pages on the site that talk about the grieving process.  Right now just get through each day as well as you can.  I know it will be difficult and I am thinking of you.
Patsy
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Kippys_MomMom
Jasmalia,  I am very sorry for the loss of your little Juniper. 

Everything you are feeling is completely understandable.  Eight months is not long enough to us; time is a human concept and little Juniper lived her life of eight months happy and loved in your care.  You miss her. You were cheated.  It totally sux.  

One thing that is helping me get through my grief is something one of my professors taught in her sustainability course.  She taught us that everything in this world is connected in some way; the law of the conservation of energy states "energy can neither be created nor destroyed".  When we use energy, it doesn't disappear, it changes into another form of energy.  Life as we know it is energy; Juniper's energy is still here, simply in another form.  

In lieu of believing in God, this is another way to look at how Juniper is here.  I am sending hugs your way.  Take care of yourself and your little furry bunch.  
Kippy's Mom Mom
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