I only lost my boy on Monday morning but oddly I’m torn between whether or not it feels longer or shorter. I still remember evening that had happened this morning. I have had him since I was 5 years old, so I haven’t know what it is like to be without my best friend. I’m sorry if this is long.
My 13 year-old Tibetan Terrier became ill only 2 weeks ago. He had multiple seizures and they were heartbreaking to see. He wouldn’t know who we were and where we were, he would be far away from us for about an hour afterward. The vet gave us meds to give him and she said they would make him very sleepy and she also said she thinks it’s a lesion on his brain as he couldn’t shake his head anymore, if he did he would yelp in pain. So we gave him his meds, two a day, one in the morning and one at night. But we began to notice that when he walked one of his back legs curved inward, he walked fine but it wasn’t how he usually walked. He began to become very wobbly and he would often fall over and his legs would give in and he would lay on the ground looking at me in defeat. We told the vet and my Mum asked, “is the the end?” and she said no, that it will be the meds so to half the dosage. So we halved the dosage and there were signs that we was getting better but signs that he wasn’t. His walking had come to a halt, he couldn’t use his back legs unless I held him up, but he began shaking his head and licking us, going to the door to meet us when we came in. 
In his last 2 weeks he just wanted to be outside, we put out his picnic blanket on the grass and he would try to run over to it, he have to lift him over and he would lay there all day and I’d stay with him kissing him and hugging him, making sure his water was topped up. I was grieving him over these 2 weeks because I knew that it was near the end for my beautiful boy. 
He couldn’t control his pooping or peeing, he had been doing it while he was laying down or walking. 
Everytime I helped him walk around the garden he would always go around the same place and stop at the same place. He kept turning left and going in circles. Always doing the same walk. 
I stayed with him on his last night and he could barely sleep, I stayed up all night with him. He wouldn’t drink from his bowl so I hand fed it to him. He kept panting and staring at me as though he was struggling to breathe and he looked so frightened. I sat stroking him all night and reassuring him I was there. In his last 2 weeks that’s all he wanted, reassurance, he would make sure he could get as close to us as possible. A lot of people said that their dog became distant and wanted to be alone at their end but Alfie didn’t want to be alone, he wanted to be with us. 
The morning came and I knew what was going to happen when we took him to the vets. We all stood crying outside the vets (this all happened during covid19 lockdown) and other people waiting cried with us from a distance. I feel guilty that we couldn’t be with him when he was put to sleep, I’ve seen a lot of people saying that they were with their pups to comfort them and they passed surrounded by the people they loved but we couldn’t do that, we weren’t allowed and I feel guilty that we couldn’t, but it doesn’t mean we don't love him any less. 
We took him home and sat with him for hours, I cuddled him and kissed him, brushed his hair. People might find it odd that I did this but it felt right. I wouldn’t leave his side, I didn’t want him to be on his own. We buried him at 3pm in the garden, his favourite spot where we had lay together the past 2 weeks, with his toys and blankets, some flowers from the garden. 
I miss him terribly, I keep thinking he will walk in and want a cuddle, put his paw on the sofa showing how much he wants to come up and sit with me. It is strange seeing his empty basket and strange coming home and him not being there. 
We light his candles every night. I sit with him both morning and night telling him how much I love and miss him. 
The first night without him I couldn’t sleep, I had an hours sleep and woke up because I heard him whining. It felt so so real, as though he was right outside my door. It was the type of whine he did when he was about to go for a walk or when we were giving him food. I truly believe he is up there and he is still with us, I can feel him all around me. I just wish I could give him a cuddle and a kiss. It is all I want right now. 
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I am very sorry for your loss of your sweet, Alfie. And I'm sorry you could not be with him at the end but it was not your fault. Clearly Alfie was very much loved and and a wonderful life with you and your family. He was your friend for most of your life and I'm sure it is strange and heartbreaking not to have him with you. Animals reach a part of our hearts that others don't. They give us unconditional love and support. I hope in time memories of Alfie can bring you a little smile instead of tears and grief.

My condolences,
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Dear Ella: I’m so sorry for the loss of your Alfie. I cried while I read your post. You showed him such tender love during such a difficult time. I hope it’s helping you to be here, share his story, share your feelings, read others’ experiences, get support, and know you’re not alone. Sending you hugs...
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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