iLikeKitties
I’m new to this forum. I am trying to find words for this and struggling.

I have (had) 4 cats, but unfortunately had to have the oldest (16 years), named Squirrel Master euthanized on Tuesday. He was a Siamese. I am finding his loss to be completely unbearable. I just cannot handle this at all. I have never had to have a pet euthanized before. Seeing him go from sitting up on the table to sprawling out and slowly having the life go out of him, initially dry heaving from the tranquilizer, then getting more still until he is limp and no longer breathing is this nightmare rerun that keeps playing over and over non-stop in my head. I can’t take it. I had initially brought him in b/c he had seemed to catch a URI from 2 of the others and wasn’t eating or drinking. I thought he’d just get some antibiotics like the other 2 and that’s it - but the vet felt 2 big tumors in his abdomen and said not good that he probably wasn’t going to be around much longer - that doing this would be better. And I knew I didn’t want him to suffer - it’s like right up until the very moment you realize that they are going to draw up the shot you’re somewhat accepting but then you feel like you want to say “no wait...”

I wish I would’ve spent 5 or 10 more damn minutes holding and petting him before taking him to the vet and holding and comforting him while there instead of just petting him on the table. I had no idea he was sick with tumors. I hate myself so much that I don’t think I can ever get past this or forgive myself. He was such a good, loving kitty - he deserved better and I did not deserve him.

I should’ve been taking him to regular vet visits - it might have been caught early and treated but no i’m one of these idiots that thought b/c he was an indoor cat only that he’d be fine. I didn’t give him enough attention - we get busy and make excuses and now I will never get to see him again. I hate this. My eyes burn from crying so much. I lost my dad too a month and a half ago and my mom back in ‘03 - I have my husband but no other friends or family - my cats are my family. That poor kitty - I cannot stand this.
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3PUPPIESMOM
Hi ILikeKitties, 

Please don't blame yourself for what happened to Squirrel Master.  I just lost my Maggie (yorkie) to cancer that we didn't know she had and she went to the vet frequently.  Taking her to the vet early probably wouldn't have changed anything.  I personally would not give chemo to an animal, but that is my belief and I know not everyone's.  The treatments usually help but don't usually cure.  I understand your grief only too well, but I am sure your kitty wouldn't want you to be miserable and blaming yourself.  I have had to euthanize 5 dogs and 4 cats in my life and it is never easy.  It always hurts.  It will get better in time, but give yourself time to grieve.  I really believe we will see them again someday.
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lizarose1
Hello ILikeKitties. You have my deepest sympathy for your loss. I'm sure your Squirrel Master was a beautiful Siamese! 16 years is a long life and I'm certain that your cat felt all the love that you had for him. We do get busy and life happens and we often wonder how we could have done things differently. I lost my dog 15 days ago. I had to have him euthanized due to acute pancreatitis. My dog was diabetic. Before he was diagnosed 6 years ago I would just take him to the low cost shot clinic instead of to the vet. Then I started noticing that he started drinking lots of water and his eyes looked funny. It was then that I took him to the vet and I was told that he was diabetic and hyperthyroid. Even with treatment he was blind within a week. I totally suffered with guilt for allowing that to happen. I had to forgive myself. None of us are perfect here but we all loved our pet. Animals are so adaptable that they often mask the symptoms and by the time we notice something is wrong, they are really ill. Please be gentle with yourself because you know in your heart how much love that you have for all of your cats. Allow yourself to grieve this loss as it is a process. I lost my father this year as well. It helps to post when you feel sad because we are all grieving the same loss our our beloved pet. 

I'll be praying for you and Squirrel Master.

LizaRose
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Mowkey
I'm so sorry you lost your kitty. I know how bad you feel. It's not been a week yet for me. Every day I cry. You loved your kitty and it shows. I hope you find peace in Squirrel Masters memory.
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Eileennellie
You gave your cat a wonderful life, and did right by him. I often think "if only I had spent a few more minutes with my dog before the vet gave her the shot." But I realize that wouldn't have been good for her. Our pets don't want us to feel bad, they have no regrets about the lives they had with us. 16 is a long life for a cat, you should be proud that you were able to give him that and share it with him. I didn't realize my dog had degenerative myelopathy, nor did the vet, despite frequent visits. Don't beat yourself up over things, it will only make you feel worse for no reason. Grieving is a process that takes time, its hard, but it will get better.
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laylasgrievingmom
My sweet Layla, the most beautiful black kitty on earth, had to be euthanized, too, on Wednesday last week. She was 18 years old and had kidney disease, but she was pretty stable for three years before suddenly taking a turn for the worse. I know exactly how you feel. Just like you, I lost both my parents, and my kitties are my everything. I don't even have a husband or siblings. My kitties are my family. They are my children. My little girl Arya (a three-year-old Bengal) and I are missing Layla so much that it's unbearable. Everybody tells me that it will get better with time and I hope it is true. Please don't hate yourself for your kitty's illness. These things develop so silently and quickly that probably nobody would've caught it in time. You obviously loved him so much and I'm sure he knew it and was grateful for it. He left with you by his side and I bet that was comforting to him. You were a loving mom to him and you did the right thing. My heart is with you during this difficult time. 
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iLikeKitties
Thank you everyone for your replies. I am grateful that there is a site like this to go to. I just wish I would’ve appreciated him more while he was here. I honestly believed that b/c my cats are all indoor only, that they would live to be over 20 years old. I hope I have learned my lesson and to not allow myself to get bothered or annoyed b/c i’m too busy or don’t have time b/c of work or whatever stupid reason. I just wish that poor kitty didn’t have to leave this earth for me to realize it. I just didn’t realize the bond that I actually really had with him. He was such a good boy. I’d give anything just to hold him right now and tell him that.
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normsmom
My heart aches for you. I know the "I should have" guilt all too well. I'm sure Squirrel Master wouldn't think that about you for a second though. Try to be kind to yourself and remember you gave him a good and loving home, with a lot of happy years together.
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Morningglorysmama
I lost my baby Miss Morning Glory to colon and intestinal cancer September 15th of this year and I can't seem to get past the grief.... she was my kitty, my princess my dumplin pumpkin pie Mo Mo girl Mozey Mo.....i had her 10 years 9 months, she was 11 years 9 months...sometimes I find myself just lying in bed crying out for my baby...... my heart is BROKEN
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Preshadore
I am so sorry for everyone's loss..it shows us all how much love we have for our fur babies..we all did the best we could for them..They know how much we loved them..I just had to put Precious down 2 days ago..my 15yr old Yorkie...I think it's normal to start feeling guilt about what we didn't or couldn't do...But we need to remember all we did do and how we loved them with our entire being...
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suitta
Hello....I lost my first kitty in June. She, like yours, was 16 and was suddenly sick. The decision to euthanize her had to be made and although I do not regret keeping her from more pain, I am questioning almost all the decisions I ever made about her. Vet visits, companionship, food, outdoor activity. This may sound stupid to some, but to help myself get through this I bought a small stuffed kitty that looks like her and I talk to her when I need to. I pray she hears me and that eventually the pain will subside. Maybe this would help you too.
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Eileennellie
I take all my pets to the vet now for anything that concerns me. I have become a bit paranoid after losing my 15 year old cat, Puffy, to a stroke 9/13/16 and then both my wonderful Doberman Pinschers in a 4 month span. Dobie had a heart arrhythmia, and we never suspected a problem in his 8 1/2 years. Paris had degenerative myelopathy, which we also didn't realize until about a week before we had to euthanize her. She went to the vet regularly, and had two surgeries to remove fatty tumors in the last year and a half, plus we had been trying to figure out why she was having trouble walking and having pain issues. But we just didn't realize what was going on, vet visits didn't help with the end result, we still had to let her go. I also think maybe I should have spent a few more minutes with her, but that would have been unfair to her. She was ready, and once we made the decision and called a vet , she was noticeably relieved. Don't feel bad at all. Our pets know we love them and are doing all we can for them. They don't feel fear of death like humans do,I believe that they know it's just another stage of existence. And although we miss them tremendously, they are never really gone.
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iLikeKitties
Thank you all for your continued replies. This has been just very difficult - I keep thinking and hoping things will get easier or better, but it is just not right now. I have to admit that this seems to be more difficult than losing a person and I recently lost my dad before I lost my cat. I feel guilty about that too as I know there are plenty of people out there that would just think that something is wrong with me, but I can’t help how I feel. Some days are better, other days are pretty damn unbearable. I think some of it has to do with the fact that our pets are truly innocent, their love for you is non-judgemental, unconditional. You could be the ugliest, most revolting thing to walk the earth and while everyone else would probably recoil from you in absolute terror and disgust, your pets would come running to you to hold and pet them...
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Kronsky
I’m very sorry for the loss of your kitty. You gave him a wonderful life filled with love and joy. The hardest part of having a beloved fur baby is that their lives are much shorter than ours and their loss so painful. Cats are masters at hiding their pain and cancer extremely difficult to diagnose.

I lost my beloved 16 year old kitty Obie in September and was initially filled with guilt of what I should have or could have done. It felt better to hear from the vet that nothing could have saved him. I still grieve for him every day and think about him often but the intense, gut wrenching pain has mostly evolved into an appreciation of the wonderful,times we had together.
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