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Posts: 4
Reply with quote  #1 

I had to make the toughest decision of my life. I never believed in putting my baby to sleep but at the end I had to. Moosie went to heaven on Feb 28, 2010. It's been 52 hours and I just don't know what to do anymore. I had her since she was 3 weeks old when her original owner didn't want her and asked us for money. I didn't leave the church until my bother agreed to take her with us. Hand fed her to make sur she grows up t be a big stong pup. We've been inseparable since, all my plans in life included her. She was so healthy and happy until 2 weeks ago. Suddenly we noticed her being lethargic so we brought her to the vet. After doing some test the vet told me her kidney was failing plus UTI. I immediately took days off and didn't even care if I got fired. Of course my boss didn't understand and just demanded me back. I was worried that I was going to let my husband down beause I chose Moosie over work. He understood and told me that I should stay home with our baby. We had all these medications to help her get her appettite back and fight the kidney and UTI. She started eating and I got so happy thinking she will fight through this just like we had in the past. But it didn't get any better, she started crying in pain, stopped eating and drinking so I started feeding her manually with a syringe so she can get some fluids. Everytime she was in pain she had to take a medcation to sedate her. Hearing her cry in pain was so hard. I don't know if I made the right choice of putting her to sleep because I miss her terribly. The only thing my husband keeps reminding me is that she is no longer in pain and is probably running around in heaven with her brother now. 

It's so hard. I don't know what to do anymore. Suddenly I wouldn't be able to hug her, or give her kisses, take her for a car ride, watch her do her stuff and when I come home I won't hear her cheerful happy cry that mommy's home from work. She won't be going with us to any more vacations. I find myself either crying, or just quietly laying in bed, or just staring at nothingness. I'm slowly packing her things to preserve them, to keep her smell and left over hair. I feel lost without her, she's always been my strength. I wanted to share our story coz I need help. I guess I just need to keep talking about her. I am waiting for her remains and don't know if I have the courage to pick it up coz it would be so final that she is gone. 18 years, happy years that I'm thankful for, just wish it could have been more. I know she'll wait for me in heaven......

I love her soooo much and I miss my daughter like crazy


Posts: 10
Reply with quote  #2 

Many hugs to you.  Our pets are our babies... no matter how old they get.  I understand your loss.  I had my cat Muffin for 18 years as well and when I had to make that dreaded decision, I felt like I had lost a part of my childhood.  I had had him since I was 8.  But over time, I realized it was the best decision I could make.  He had stopped eating and had lost a lot of weight.  He knew it was time... I just had to read the signs.   Your little one is now healthy and happy.... probably chasing my cat as well.  :-)  All of our little ones will be waiting for us.  ((hugs))


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Posts: 61
Reply with quote  #3 
I'm so sorry about your Moosie.  It's the loss of their physical self that's so dreadful the first days.  You want to feel their fur, pick them up, pet and scratch them, comb and brush them, snuggle them, hear them bark, hear them purr but they're gone.  There's a big hole in your life - a real hole - and you feel like you're running into walls trying to find your way out of it.  I was torn between feeling confused when I didn't see my cat where he always usually was and knowing that he was never to be with me again.
You gave everything you could - even risked your job.  No one could have asked more from you.  Moosie knew and still knows how much you love him and will be waiting for you.
Be patient with yourself during this very tough time.  Do what you have to do to make yourself as comfortable as possible.  It's not going to be easy but it does get a little better day by day.  And please go pick up Moosie's ashes.  It's not easy but the people at your vets understand. You might call them before you leave home to give them a heads-up that you're on your way.  I waited until after lunch when I was most awake and most in control, marched into the waiting room and up to the counter and blurted "I'm here to pick up my baby."  Luckily, they didn't need an explanation.  I was barely holding it together.  They handed me the little box which I clutched to my heart and quickly escaped to my car to cry.  I'm glad I have him home.  The first few nights I slept with the box right next to me in bed.  At the time even I thought I was a little "off" for doing this but it felt right.  Now, I have the box snuggled next to the teddy bear that my cat always adored.  I'm finally getting to the point of being able to concentrate on my projects (I work from home) except now I automatically talk to the cat and then break down.  Tonight I ran to the store for an orange and a lemon I need for a cake tomorrow and half way home remembered that we have orange and lemon trees in the yard.  Oh well.  I guess I still have a way to go before my brain's functioning at 100%. The point is not to beat yourself up for how you're feeling right now and might be feeling in the future.  Your Moosie would forgive you and would expect you to be as kind to yourself as you were to him. 
I don't know if this is allowed here but Jerry's poem on another site is just wonderful.  I cried through it the first time I read it.  I printed it out and re-reading it a number of times has made me feel better.
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