Forgive me...

I wanted to spare you of even one more moment of pain.

I wanted to rush it up, and have done with it. My love! my angel!

...and now I can’t forgive myself.

I did not give you time. I could pet you couple more times. You could give me couple more purrs. Couple more days, couple more hours.

But you were so weak.

Please forgive me iubirea lui mami...because I can’t forgive myself.

I knew nothing about what I just did in vet’s office. I just knew that I wanted peace for Loli.

I did not want her hiding and make that stressful trip again. And now every single memory, good or bad, is tearing me apart.

I feel like I’m dying.

I can’t stop crying. she was very shy... In the quarantine months she was coming straight into my room...she started to warm  up...after so many years...we were happy together.

When I was in vet’s office I did not want to see the 3 inches monster that took my baby away from me.

 Lola was so sweet and special and she was afraid of everything.

Now I am tormented with guilt. I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. I miss everything about her. My house felt never so empty.

I wrote Lola a letter begging for forgiveness because I can’t forgive myself.

Maybe if I can see her records, what was wrong in her little body then I hope I can get some kind of closure.

I hope I can let her go and rest.

My black angel needs her little black wings.

Losing her is heart wrenching because this is the only time in my life when I was called upon to kill something I love. That’s what happened with Her. I had to euthanize her because she was not herself.

I found out that she was very sick. I feel very guilty about that decision. I was not prepared for it, I haven’t thought through the emotional, moral or psychological elements of it. The truth is I ’ll never know for sure if I made the right decision. I can’t tell even today if I’m sure that it was the right decision. It was just the best decision I could make at the time. I can’t look to other people to tell me if I’m right or wrong.

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