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Victoria

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Reply with quote  #31 

I can't help but blame myself. And the vets. And wonder if she would still be with me if everyone had done better, but instead there was just one screw up after another.

We don't know what she had. Might have been her heart and if so, nothing to be done apparently. Maybe it was feline leukemia. She tested negative but sometimes there are false negatives at first. She couldn't get over whatever was screwing up her lungs. Then the weather changed, cold and wet, I turned on the gas heat, she got worse. I kept the gas heat off one night so she wouldn't get the fumes and the cold seemed to make her worse. Took her to the vet at 5 am because she seemed to be dying even then. She just got steadily worse over 3 weeks. With periods of perking up and eating seeming more like herself, but always the breathing was abnormal, labored and fast. 

In some kind of freak event, when I turned the heat on during Thanksgiving, I put it on high instead of on low. Seriously, I have NO idea how that happened. Maybe the universe was just trying to take her out quickly, end it faster. Because it makes no sense. When I came back in the room hours later it was hot and fumey and she was panting. I rushed her to the vet, to the oxygen tank again.

She had a few more days of up and down after that, but basically got a lot worse, and five days later she died at the vet. I was going to put her to sleep the day before and I should have but the vet said no, lets try one more medication. So, my baby girl suffered and suffocated just as I feared, the death I wanted to spare her.

This is what makes me sob and hate myself and hate the world right now. That such a darling girl could die like that, its so unfair and cruel. 

And all over the world children and babies are dying, starving. Face it, this world is cruel and unfair. I don't know why. 


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Victoria
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Jubee7303

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Reply with quote  #32 
The vet process can seem unnecessarily heartless and cruel. The many times i took Jubee to the vet, she hated it and they could never figure out her issues, and it was always a new med or shampoo, ear wash, paw wash, skin ointment, xray... i took her to several vets over the years looking for answers to her issues. In the last couple years i stopped going and got her on really expensive dog food and just treated her homeopathically and she stabilized. I dont even like human doctors. My previous dog had prostrate cancer and it seemed the vet was more enthralled in that idea than the fact that his exam hurt my dog. The first time i saw that, i was done. We never went back and when it was time, i let my dog go gracefully. I can understand your pain of your kitty suffering. I think that one cuts the deepest. Im trying to send you my deepest empathy but i know you will have to find your way through this.
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TJay

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Reply with quote  #33 
Oh tell me about it! It’s like they don’t care OR just treat the symptoms rather than the root of the issue. I remember countless times when this happened to me. The most recent time one of vets completely ignored me, at least that’s what it felt like... my dog already wasn’t eating and he still had the nerve to give her pills/capsules to take when I had asked for liquid. I was so angry and felt helpless, my poor poor girl! I know the feeling guys and truly truly hurts, even to this day! I’ve found some comfort as the days go by but I still don’t feel whole. I did cry last night. My sister brought her dog over and he and Nina had a cute bond and I felt like his eyes were asking me “where is nina?” He was sniffing around in my room looking for her water/food bowl and all I could do was feel so so sad 😞 those days are the hardest when even a slight reminder of our pets just make us so so so sad but I’m taking it day by day!
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Jubee7303

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Reply with quote  #34 
Scrolling through Jubees photo albums looking for a Christmas photo to post and I just cant because its tearing me up inside. Just when i think im getting better, looking at every emotion in her eyes, so expressive that i always wondered why she couldn't talk because we had so much to share with each other. If there really is some kind of karmic ladder to climb, i know that either Jubee was a human in a past life or will be one in her next life because she grew from being a wild-child when she was young to a mature, wise dog in her old age, with such patience and love. That dog could say a million words with her eyes and we communicated so well. She knew what i was going to do before i did just by reading my energy. She knew me better than i knew myself. That cannonball hole inside me is back today with a vengeance. That emptiness that nothing fills. Its just her spot inside me and theres nothing for that but trying to keep her spirit there, believing she is loving me still. I want to run from this but i cant. I have to accept the pain and loss. I just want joy and happiness and motivation back in my life, like it was when i had Jubee by my side. There will never be another love like hers. There will be loves. But not like hers.
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TJay

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Reply with quote  #35 
I’ll share a Christmas photo of Nina if you share one of Jubee? If you feel up to it of course! I was definitely on the roller coaster this weekend. I even went out to get my mind off of things and it helped! All was well until I got home and remembered I didn’t have Nina’s eyes of shame staring at me when I walked in. Like you said how jubee knew things and communicated with you through her eyes? Well Nina was the same! She knew when I was about to leave which, wasn’t often but SHE KNEW! I would do my makeup on my bed and it was like she knew that I was putting on makeup to go somewhere because she would stare at me and it felt like she was asking “Where are you going and why?!” When I would get back she always acted like I cheated on her, no matter where I went. We both had separation anxiety, we couldn’t be away from each other - so much so, that I would sneak her into hotels just so that we could be together when I was out of town. We never got caught, she was so well behaved and would just knock out in her blanket and not make a peep. That’s when I was the happiest, was when I was with her! DOGS ARE SO AMAZING!!!! They are our KIDS!
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Jubee7303

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Reply with quote  #36 
For you? No problem. Here’s Jubee with her favorite Christmas gifts.

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Jubee7303

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Reply with quote  #37 
Before the unwrapping...
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Jubee7303

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Reply with quote  #38 
Might have uploaded this twice!

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TJay

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Reply with quote  #39 
Awe! What a sight to see! What a beautiful girl, she looks so happy, especially about that Jerky! I think those stuffed animals are 20x’s bigger than Nina haha! She’s a lucky girl and spoiled, I loved spoiling Nina! I hope you feel better, I know it will never be the same but don’t forget to keep writing. I wish you better days!
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Jubee7303

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Reply with quote  #40 
My Jubee Girl Girl one month today Jubilee. I know you feel my love and I feel yours. We are heart and soul bonded forever. I was meant for you and you were meant for me and when we came together that was it. It was you and me. Nobody came between us and everybody knew it. Beautiful beautiful beautiful relationship. There will never be another love like ours. It was a very special bond. Your place inside me is yours forever. It’s yours and yours alone just for you. I keep you there. I carry you with me always. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I know you know.

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TJay

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Reply with quote  #41 
Wow! A month already?! Time flies... although I feel as if it doesn’t go fast enough especially when I feel so sad and heartbroken everyday... but if I had a choice I wouldn’t change a thing. I would never want to fast forward time right now, I would hate to avoid my feelings. It would be like almost forgetting about her and throwing all those memories away. Those beautiful moments are what I remember the most. There’s no other bond/relationship that could ever compare. I’m sure Jubilee cant wait to see you once again @ The Rainbow 🌈 I hope Nina and her have met each other already like we have here on the forum. They are in the happiest of places, where there is no pain. God bless you today and everyday! Enjoy those pictures of jubilee! It will soon be 1 month since Nina has passed and I miss her so so much but all I have is memories now. Take care of yourself and I’ll be praying for you!

- Tiffany
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Brownie74

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Reply with quote  #42 
Your Jubee Girl is darling
And her paws crossed I'm the photo, was oh so cute. Put a big smile on my face. I know through my rollercoaster of emotions, was very gripping to see photos, but I tried not to look and I couldn't. I have to look his photos everyday and in a sense I think it brought me much relief. Everyone time frame and grief cycle is different. Mine have gotten way less intense lately. I too was feeling just the way you do now and u will feel a little better in time. Though your Girl Jubee will always be remembered and loved with a smile in time. Until then, know that she still is in your heart where she'll always be!
Many hugs and prayers
Jess

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My boy, Brownie

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Jubee7303

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Reply with quote  #43 
Brownie Boy and Jubee Girl Girl! I love it. Sounds like the title of a children’s book. I once wrote down all of Jubees nicknames and there were 50 and that was a while back. Thanks for your kind words. I do feel I’ve found something to hold onto to help me in my grief. And that is Jubees happiness. Always, if Jubee was happy, then i was happy and it can be no different now. Im sure she’s running with Brownie and all her kind and especially her brother Bobo. They were tight litter mates and raised together for a while. Jubee didn’t get along with many other dogs on earth so im sure discovering the joys of her kind is a new delight for her. We all talk about our dogs ages in passing and Jubee was 16 and when she turned 16 this past June i called it her Sweet Sixteen birthday but according to the new dog years chart she turned 87! I think if we spoke in real years we might have an easier time understanding our dogs aging process and passing. The week before Jubee went she was excited about walking around just a quarter of the block with me. At 87 thats pretty darn good. I love you my Jubilee. You gave your all to life and me.
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TJay

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Reply with quote  #44 
The nicknames and baby talk was my forte! My siblings would always make fun of me because I would talk to her like “she’s so pwetty and I lubs her” lol those were the greatest times of my life! Nina wasn’t much of a walker, ha! I remember a time we went to garden of the gods in CO and I carried her most of the way, thank god she was only 4 lbs. I love the fact that they are all playing together! What a sight it must be 🌈
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