Forum
Sign up Calendar Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment   Page 2 of 3      Prev   1   2   3   Next
Jubee7303

Registered:
Posts: 39
Reply with quote  #16 
Thanks for advice on resizing. I really want you to see my pup. Last night was so great. And now this morning I have so much anger about the loss. It feels unfair. The roller coaster of grief is unpredictable. My life is hard enough and Jubee was the one getting me through it all! I knew it before. I’ve known it all along. She got me through so many hard times. But I didn’t realize the depth of it until now. I have nothing to fill that emptiness inside me! Nothing touches it. Not friends, conversations, walks on the beach, all the little goals and accomplishments of a normal day...its that bond and partnership of love and care we had for each other that is missing. She was my number one. She was always there for me, looking for me, waiting for me, just wanting to be with me. And I don’t have a number two to fill that spot. Im not sure that saying “ it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” is true. Im certainly not feeling that today. I want to be far away these feelings and theres no escape, no substitute, theres nothing but to feel it. This is as real as it gets.
0
TJay

Registered:
Posts: 32
Reply with quote  #17 
Oh I know that feeling! It’s helpless isn’t it?! A lot of my friends family and coworkers have all said “I’m here for you” “do you need anything?” “Do you want to come out to help you not think about things?” And I appreciate them all but nothing, absolutely NOTHING is going to fill that void - well except for that ONE thing that we can’t get back, our babies! Gosh I would do anything to have her back so I can feel whole again. I’m sorry you are feeling so much anger about losing your baby, I am Riding this roller coaster with you. Please keep writing, let us know how your rollercoaster ride of grief is going. Even if you feel like saying the same thing over and over - because I feel that way sometimes, but keep writing!
0
Jubee7303

Registered:
Posts: 39
Reply with quote  #18 
I think these photos will be posted. I will check and see. I hope so!

Attached Images
jpeg image.jpg (2.92 MB, 7 views)
jpeg image.jpg (2.18 MB, 7 views)

0
TJay

Registered:
Posts: 32
Reply with quote  #19 
Omg omg omg look at that beautiful girl! She reminds me of my coworkers dog. Same color and everything. I love the pictures and look at those sweet sweet puppy eyes. Hang in there, I saw this post on Facebook about dog pics I’ll post it here for you! Maybe it will bring you some joy!

Attached Images
jpeg 48666378-30D6-4094-B90C-01A598EEBFF0.jpeg (213.77 KB, 9 views)

0
Jubee7303

Registered:
Posts: 39
Reply with quote  #20 
omg that post is so true. Thanks for that, it made me laugh. First time I actually laughed in the joy of loving our buds since this all happened. Aahhhh they bring us such joy and thats what we miss. They love life no matter what and we learn how to live through them. Thanks for the compliments on Jubee. She did have - does have - the most soulful eyes. She spoke volumes through those eyes. Where are you going? What are you doing? And where are you going now you just got back!
It really is nice to share here. My friends and family are definitely over it so I stopped talking to them about missing her. A couple of times I was with friends and for those brief moments I actually came out of that gray dull fog that I’ve been in. Theres hope for us. My best friend lost her daughter and she managed to carry on and now shes my hero.
We will get through today.
0
TJay

Registered:
Posts: 32
Reply with quote  #21 
Joy is definitely what I miss the most! Same here I feel like my family is so over me being sad and taking about her all the time but IM NOT and that’s why I love it here because there’s no judgement and people feel the same as I do. It’s so helpful just to have someone that will be there to LISTEN. We will see how today goes, I’m
Home again all day because of strep and I just know that going to replay a lot of the memories over and over in my head. I’m going to try and enjoy my nephews being here and do some deep cleaning. Talk to you sooon!
0
Jubee7303

Registered:
Posts: 39
Reply with quote  #22 
When I was sitting with Jubee on her last day, I decided to take a video of her sleeping so I could always watch her alive and breathing. I watched it last night. It was so comforting to watch her slow, rhythmic breath because so many times I had my head on her chest while she did that and I listened to her heart beat. The video was five minutes long. During it she wakes up and we look at each other and I talk to her and I tell her all the things I would say to her today. How she’s my best friend, how much I love her, thanking her for everything, telling her shes my heart and soul. It’s like I get to tell her these things over and over now. Time is helping, knowing I did the right thing for her is helping, the other areas of my life go on.
But always, her place inside me remains open, waiting to be filled for when I see her again.
0
TJay

Registered:
Posts: 32
Reply with quote  #23 
How beautiful to hear about this! I’m so glad the video is helping you and comforting you. It’s so touching to know that at least you have this to remind you of the greatest love in the world that you had/have. It reminds me of the video I made carrying my little girl in my arms and singing a song to her that I made, along with explaining her health and her weight loss etc. but she was still breathing and it helps me a lot to see that it we had such an amazing love for each other. I’m sure our pets would choose to stay with us even if that meant to be in pain because they LOVED US SO MUCH! But we loved them even MORE and we let them go. I would take this journey again with her, even knowing how it ends just so I can feel that love again... it’s a ONE OF A KIND LOVE that can’t be replaced.
0
Louise110318

Registered:
Posts: 4
Reply with quote  #24 
You Jubee is so beautiful.  You can see the love in her eyes.  And TJ, your Nina is adorable.  It helps me to look at old pictures of Lucy. Our pets are just pure love- so innocent.  We are their world and they were very lucky to have us as their mommies.  I miss the love, the purrs, the warmth, the softness of having Lucy lay on my chest every night, so content to be with me.  I miss that so much.  I also took videos of her.  I recorded her purring and sometimes listen to it before I fall asleep.  My little soul kitty.  Sending you both love and healing thoughts today.
0
Jubee7303

Registered:
Posts: 39
Reply with quote  #25 
Last night i had the most wonderful dream about Jubee! I was crossing the living room and there she was stretched out across the floor sleeping as usual. I was so surprised and excited to see her. In my daily life ive been missing hugging her so much. In the dream i got down on the floor with her and breathed in her essence, nestled my face in her fur, i could feel the endorphins bursting in my body and my immune system rising! Honestly she did all that for me daily and to not have it anymore is depressing. I woke up and wanted to go back to the dream. I just laid there and soaked it in. I know she came to me because yesterday i was feeling her absence so much. Been about a month since Jubee’s been gone and it feels much longer than that. So strange to have love just taken from my life. Here one day and gone the next. I’ve been feeling kinda down and melancholy about life. Theres like a flat line in my reaction to things. I was actually kind of worried wondering what was wrong with me, because at first i didnt connect it to Jubee being gone. But thats what it is. When i think of how i felt when Jubee was here and how i feel now, theres a distinct difference inside me, mentally, physically, emotionally. Before i had a partner in life, now im on my own. I watched out for her and she always had me in her sights. 16 years! I have to realize that. She was by my side for 16 years. In a way, im glad to realize and remember that this is a normal grief reaction. I dont know what to do about it except just go through it. But it does help to know.
0
Victoria

Registered:
Posts: 54
Reply with quote  #26 

Eventually you will have to get a new puppy. Not until you're ready. But I think that for people like us, only the animals fill our souls this way. We need them and their love.

This morning is the first morning without my girl. I slept 11 hours. I haven't slept a full night in weeks. I kept waking up, aware that I had to face the first day without her, and I forced myself back to sleep. But now I can't sleep anymore. 

Wow. This pain is serious. This pain feels more serious than any of the other animals deaths I've experienced yet and I've had so many. I'm so angry. At everyone, at the world, at the vets, at myself. How could I have lost her? I made mistakes with her treatment that I can't forgive myself for. My sweet girl suffered and I couldn't even be there for her because she was stuck in an oxygen tent. I would do anything to go back. Can't stop crying.


__________________
Victoria
0
Jubee7303

Registered:
Posts: 39
Reply with quote  #27 
I’m so sorry for your pain. This is the one place where, when people say I know exactly what you’re going through, we know they do. You’re right, for us animals do fill our souls. And the pain, like you say, is very deep. I go between anger and sadness, disorientation and apathy. A lot of me just wants to lay on the couch and check out. Please dont put blame and guilt on top of your grief. There is no one in the entire world that would ever judge you on the decisions you had to make at the time. All of your decisions were made out of love. You know, and everyone knows, you would never do anything to harm your girl. She knows it too. They were there for us in life, and they sit with us in our grief. There is no way they would abandon us now when we need them the most. Im trying to focus on my Jubee’s Spirit living on inside me instead of her empty spot in my life. Its hard but its comforting and she never did like to see me anxious so i know she doesnt want to see me that way now. She wants to remain in my heart and i cant block her out just to avoid the pain. When i let her in she heals my heart and fills that hole inside me. Its a good feeling for both of us.
0
Victoria

Registered:
Posts: 54
Reply with quote  #28 

Sweet Pea really was a healer for me. I've been through a lot of serious stress over many years. And that includes animal losses. When she came, it felt like restitution. It felt like, ah, the universe is finally giving me this special bit of joy. And she would lie on my chest, just a tiny thing, and purr like a motor. I could feel all that love in her filling my chest and heart and it was so healing. 

I was recently getting some adjustment work on my back and I was telling the woman about Sweet Pea and how great she is, and the woman said, after a while, "Ah! She's your healer. That just came to me." This woman is prone to little, innocuous psychic flashes like this, and I felt like either it was true, or she just psychically picked up on the thought I'd had about Sweet Pea.

Anyway, whatever, she was healing me. So to lose her like this, I have to say, its vicious. Especially after losing two other babies in the past 2 years who I also adored. This is the third time in three years. And I loved Sweet Pea the best. So I am justified this pain, I will lie in bed and sob, and just hope I can move through it soon because its not very good for me to be this messed up.


__________________
Victoria
0
TJay

Registered:
Posts: 32
Reply with quote  #29 
Hi Jubee and Victoria!

Jubee, I am so happy to hear about your dream! I experienced a dream about Nina last week, it was one of those days where I just cried and cried for hours while hugging and sniffing her collar and blanket, I feel asleep and BOOM I had the most wonderful dream about her. It was so vivid and real that when I woke up I felt lost... I hope your holiday was good. I’m bracing myself for the first Christmas without Nina, it’s going to be soooo hard! My family is finally acknowledging my sadness before they would just ignore me and my feelings. During thanksgiving I think they felt my hurt, they told me how sad they were and asked me if I was okay and gave me hugs, it felt so wonderful but it still doesn’t fix my broken heart and sadness it’s been 11 days and I feel like I’ve come so far and then I feel like I take 10 steps back because my grief comes in like the wind and knocks me back down to being broken-hearted and I cry and cry. Hang In there jubee, my thoughts are with you & I know nothing I can say will mend your broken heart but stay strong!!!


Victoria,
I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. The people on here are a god send, really, they are! We all know what you’re going through a trust me there will be better days ahead. It’s okay to cry and be sad and cry more and be sad more but please please don’t put this on yourself. I did the same, even though Nina was 11 and inevitably sick, I beat myself up for it. “Why didn’t you take her to the vet sooner?” “Why didn’t you see another vet?” “Why didn’t you do more?” I always always doubted my actions but we all do, it’s part of the grieving process. There was NOTHING more we could’ve done, even after all of the expert opinions, I STILL doubted my actions... just know this too shall pass. Hang in there, please write if you need to, whatever, whenever. It has helped me so much!!!!
0
Jubee7303

Registered:
Posts: 39
Reply with quote  #30 
TJay so glad you had a Nina dream. Aren’t they wonderful? I just know they are coming to comfort us. We all second guess our actions preceding their departure. My Jubee slipped on the linoleum in the kitchen and tore a ligament in her knee. She was already severely compromised with arthritis and we had just been taking baby steps everyday, but at 16 she couldn’t do surgery, and her last week she was unable to move. I think back that I should’ve blocked her out of the kitchen but she always came looking for me and i didnt want to curtail her freedom. But something is always going to take them down in the end and we cant stop the world from happening around them. I thought for a few days that i was moving smoothly in my grief but had to accept that im just going to have to sit with the pain of the loss. Sometimes it seems unbearable but theres no escape! I carry it with me no matter what im doing. If im lucky enough to be able to lay on the couch in a coma all day, thats what i do. I dont care. I have lost the love of my life. I have this beautiful photo of her that im going to get enlarged and framed and put it by her urn and memorial altar so i can see her everyday.
0
Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.