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Jubee7303

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Reply with quote  #1 
Had to let go of my Husky girl, Jubilee, on November 5th, my partner of 16 years. At my side 24/7. The feeling of loss just seems to be getting worse as time goes by. I think its sinking in how much she filled up my life in so many ways. I feel like a cartoon character that has the big cannon ball hole blown through them and you can see out to the other side. Just a big hole that nothing else can fill but her. And I have to live with it. Nothing and nobody can ever fill that hole. Crying doesn’t even touch the grief. Talking about it doesn’t help. She alone held that place within me and she is gone. And I have to get up everyday and carry on as usual with our love for each other. As she got older and more frail, I knew these days were coming, I knew they would be hard, but I didn’t realize I would have to carry such an emptiness within me everyday. This is so much harder than I ever thought it would be.
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RitaT

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Reply with quote  #2 
I am so sorry for your loss.  My best friend / beautiful boy Morris died on October 22nd of heart failure. He was only 7 y/o.  I have never cried so much in my life and relate to the profound grief you feel.  I found support here, on this forum, from some wonderful people posting support.  I also found great support in a podcast on pet loss by Marianne Soucy.  It helped me tremendously.  She is also a pet medium and relayed a message she got from a pet to it's human.  I typed it out and put it next to the picture of my boy and next to my bed.  I'm copying it below and hope it helps you as it did me.  As others told me, our pets know how very much we love them and they are waiting to reunite with us when our time comes. It makes me feel great to know my babies will greet me when I return to pure love and light - as they have.  

Message:

I am here to bring you blessings and light.  I was the light in your life when I was alive. Let me continue to be a light on your path through life now that I have passed.

It is only my physical body that is gone.  Remember that. My spirit is strong and radiating the light and love that I have always been a channel for.  It is my ability to love unconditionally that allows me to embody and pass on such love and light.

Don’t dwell on the events leading up to my death.  You did the best you could with the knowledge you had and you need to forgive yourself.  Let the unconditional love you had for me also include yourself.

When you allow yourself to live and act from a place of unconditional love you have fulfilled your life’s purpose.  I am your little light now and forever. Be happy and share my light where you can. That is the best way you can honor me.  



-Book:  Healing Pet Loss:  Practical Steps for Healing & Comforting Messages from Angels & Spirit Guides.   Marianne Soucy. Website: HealingPetLoss.com

 

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Marguerite
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Jubee7303

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Posts: 39
Reply with quote  #3 
Thank you RitaT. It’s interesting you mention a pet medium. I have always felt a connection to the other dimension when people close to me crossed over. I find it no different with my Jubee.
In my above post, in that one sentence, I originally wrote, “And I have to get up everyday and carry on as usual WITHOUT our love for each other.” Which grammatically made sense in the context of which I was writing.
But after my comment was posted, the sentence read, “And I have to get up everyday and carry on as usual WITH our love for each other.”
I was blown away by this. Perhaps my Jubee did a divine intervention on that one word to express that her love continues to be with me daily. Or perhaps it was a subconscious thought of my own that typed my hearts true belief that her spirit is with me still.
Either way, it totally comforted me because I feel her presence in my home all the time. Jubee is deep within my heart and soul forever. I continue to keep her safe and warm. And she does the same for me.

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TJay

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Reply with quote  #4 
Hi jubee,
I connect with you so much on what you described after losing your pet. Sometimes I feel that it may help to talk with people that are going through the same thing. I also had to let go of my little 3lb chihuahua Nina on 11/17/18 she was almost 11 and had end stage renal failure. I resonate with you on the emptiness so much. I didn’t think it was this hard and not having her made me realize that she was a big part of my life. I’m dreading going to work tomorrow because I don’t know how my emotions will be. I am so scared to come home and her not being here to greet me like she usually did for the past 10+ years...
I am so glad you posted because it helped me in the slightest just knowing I’m not the only one
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Jubee7303

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Reply with quote  #5 
Sorry TJay about your little Nina. Big hugs to you. Thanks for writing. I think it feels worse as time goes on because I think Im having withdrawals from a love source. Theres just that joy and spark missing in life. Right now there is no significant other in my life and I poured my love into caring for my Jubee and her love for me filled all those empty places in me. She always came first before me, before anyone. I miss her when I get up in the morning and when I go to bed at night. I miss our morning walk and her thrill in going. I always think to feed her when I have dinner. I miss saving the leftovers for her. I miss her greeting the car when I pull into the garage. I just feel kind of despondent and listless. Everything seems mundane. I have a hard time concentrating on things. Its been hard to make myself go to work. Hard to get to-do lists done. Its just like a break-up with a lover, without all the drama. Theres just that emptiness in the house and within me. Something that was always there, is gone. And gone so quickly. You make that decision, the time comes, its over in minutes, and then they’re gone. Its best to focus on the love, rather than the emptiness. Fill all that emptiness with all the love we have for them. We still love them. We just miss them.
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TJay

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Reply with quote  #6 
Thank you so much! Same here. Nina met one of my boyfriends 6 years ago and after that it’s just been me and her. No one else. I even had separation anxiety when I was out with friends or at events I would always rush home just to be with her. She had her own seat in my car, I would lay her on a pillow and we could ride for hours while I ran errands. Tomorrow is the 1st day I’ll come home, If I come home, and she won’t be there to greet me. My morning and night routine won’t be the same. I used to sing to her, I made her a song and now I just hold her blanket tight and sing as if she was still here. This weekend was hard and as time passes I know it’s going to be harder because just like you said MY SPARK is gone... I have my Nephews still which I may rely on to keep me sane but even then I’ll have my moments. I appreciate your response and you talking to me about your baby, Believe me it’s helping. I honestly thought I was crazy because I thought I was the only one feeling this way and I know I said it before but I’m comforted by your story, it’s like we’re going through this together in a way. I don’t mean to be weird it’s just I’m so vulnerable right now and speaking my mind tends to help.
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Jubee7303

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Reply with quote  #7 
Yes! Everything you said is true. I would get separation anxiety too. She would be the last one I would say goodbye to when I left the house and the first one I would say hello to when I came back. She spoke to me with her eyes. I could always tell what she was feeling through her eyes. When I had a partner they would joke that when I came in the house and said hi sweetie pie they thought I was talking to them but I was talking to Jubee. They would tell me that Jubee would look for me the whole time I was gone, look in all the rooms, and sometimes howl. We just had this bond. If I went on vacation for a week and had family looking after her I would actually be looking forward to coming home to see her. They would be so nervous about taking care of her, afraid something would happen on their watch. I’m glad to hear you feel the same way. I can’t really go on and on to my friends and family about missing Jubie because I’m afraid they’ll think I’m crazy. But it’s nice to be able to tell someone who totally gets it. When Jubee would ride in the truck with me she would put her back legs on the backseat and her front paws on the console and she would lean on me with her shoulder. And lean hard! It was the best feeling in the world. When she sat in the front passenger seat she sat straight up and looked straight ahead like she was driving too. She took it so seriously. I could go on and on with all the memories. I feel for your first day coming into the house with her gone. Come here and write about it. You’re right, it really does help.
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Louise110318

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Reply with quote  #8 
I lost my cat a Lucy a little over 2 weeks ago. She was going on 17, and also was my sole companion for the majority of that time. She would give me Eskimo kisses to say hello. She would snuggle/spoon with me every night. She was the softest, cuddliest, ball of love. I said the same words to a friend- I feel like I am suffering from withdrawls of her love. It’s a knawing empty hole . I get almost panick attacks- like- where is she. Where is my baby? I knew I did the right thing, I knew it was coming. And I spent as much time with here as I could leading up- just laying with her in my arms, feeling her love, burying my nose in her fur, hearing her purrs, trying to capture everything I could to my memory. Her absence is deafening. I just can’t believe she is gone. And I feel like it is getting worse. I don’t know if it’s a form of ptsd? It’s comforting to hear others stories. I struggle with wanting the pain to go away and feeling guilty about moving on. I feel like I can’t keep talking about it to my friends- like this happens to everyone- I just need to get over it and move on. But she was my light, a major part of my world. I miss her soooo much and it hurts so badly.
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TJay

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Posts: 32
Reply with quote  #9 
NO! We can be crazy together and talk about our pets! I feel the same as you Jubee and Louise - my friends and family must think I’m insane with how often I sigh 😔 when I see her things or remember something we did together.... keep talking about it, I really am loving to hear your stories. I hope you both will be attending the candlelight vigil tonight on this forum, it’s my first time and I feel like it will help me so much! Our baby’s are forever in our hearts and we should be able to talk about them ALL THE time! It’s so hard being at work today, I used to bring Nina here on occasion and my co-workers know her, how she would never leave my lap and just be wrapped up in her blanket in my lap or on my desk next to me. It’s my first time being here since she went to the Rainbow Bridge and it’s so hard but I’m managing to keep it together, I do get the sniffles and tears here and there. I don’t want to go home, I don’t want to face it that she won’t be there but eventually I’ll have to go home. I’ll try and share a pic of her that my co-worker posted on the wall at work of her and other doggies that visit.

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Louise110318

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Reply with quote  #10 
Yes, I’ve openly cried multiple times at my desk- I forewarned all my coworkers- who are also animal lovers so they know. Coming home sucks. It’s like my mind knows she’s gone but my body’s physical habit and natural tendency is to look for her. She’s always in the corner of my eye. I get anxiety when I’m at work late thinking- omg I need to get home to lucy to feed her and give her her medication. I basically cry every morning and every night. I saved a bunch of her whiskers over the years and felted her fur in little balls (she had the softest fur). I have her ashes on my night stand and I hug them.
Yes- we can all be crazy together and grieve together. That’s really all we can do and take it one day at a time.

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Jubee7303

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Posts: 39
Reply with quote  #11 
I’m so sorry you lost Lucy, Louise. That’s a lot of years together. Jubee was with me 16 years and thats the longest relationship I’ve ever had, animal or human. Plus I work at home so that is literally 24/7 together. I know what you mean about the panic attacks. I’m prone to those in uncomfortable social settings but today I was anxious about taking my car in to get repaired! That is so unlike me. I feel insecure. If its the end of the day and I still have things to do, now I’m more likely to just lay on the couch and nap or mindlessly watch TV. I can repeat all your words. I knew it was coming but I wasn’t prepared for this feeling of emptiness. I struggle with coming here to write about it because I think maybe I should let it go, move forward. But in reality I’m not moving forward. I feel stuck. I don’t even cry anymore. Its just that hole inside me that I’m living with.
Jubee almost seemed like in her karmic life she used to be a human or is going to be human because after being with her for so long and knowing her so well, it got to be strange that she couldn’t talk! We were friends and we could only speak through gestures and feelings. I feel like I’m living at Ground Zero. Now, if something isn’t as important as losing Jubee, it’s not important. Everything is now compared to that. Getting my car fixed, getting my job done, all the stupid constant mundane errands, everything seems to either irritate me or I just don’t care. I think I’m depressed.
Thanks TJay for the reminder of the candlelight vigil. I’m going to try to do that.
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TJay

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Posts: 32
Reply with quote  #12 
Oh Louise, your picture brings tears to my eyes. I struggle a lot with pictures still, especially the ones I took of my little girl in her box just like yours. Maybe one day I’ll be able to look at them, I can hope right?! One thing I will say is this is harder than I thought... as you and Jubee expressed anxiety, I didn’t ever think my anxiety would get this bad. I sit here just staring at my screen at work it’s like my mind is stuck or won’t move forward because I can’t think of anything else or do anything else. I’ve talked to my family and we’ll be going to the store after work for thanksgiving items and I think it will help me to be out of the house and try to think of something else but in all honesty I find myself only thinking about her ALL THE TIME... I hope You both make it to the candlelight vigil tonight.
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Jubee7303

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Posts: 39
Reply with quote  #13 
I saw you both at the vigil for Nina and Lucy. Wasnt that the most wonderful thing ever? Such love and compassion and caring pouring from everyone’s hearts. That felt really good. So good to share that grief with so many people who feel the same way. I feel such peace from that. I think Jubee does too! Im trying to post a photo of Jubee but it keeps saying its too big. As soon as I can figure it out, I’ll post it. Hope you are both doing ok tonight. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
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TJay

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Reply with quote  #14 
Hi,
I saw you too! It was such an amazing experience to know that we can all come together and share our stories and thoughts about our grief and pets! It was a little hard to communicate because the screen was scrolling so fast with the many people who were messaging but nonetheless it was so heartfelt. Yes, please share a picture if you can. It would be lovely 😊 seeing each other’s companions that we loved so much. I’ve been doing a lot better, prayer has really really helped me. I also am so sick with fever so it’s kept my mind from thinking to much about things... sometimes I feel that I’ve moved on to fast by not thinking about her enough, not crying enough, etc. I do find myself sighing ALOT when I replay certain memories OR like now since I’m home sick in bed I know she would be here next to me kissing me and cuddling... those moments I cherish sooooo much! How have you been feeling?
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Louise110318

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Reply with quote  #15 
I saw you both too! Yes, this is an amazing resource and it’s so comforting to be open about my grief and how hard it is. I still don’t think I’ve accepted Lucy is gone yet. Her memories are so vivid and I can picture her in my mind clear as day just jumping up on my bed or couch and coming to snuggle w me. How she smelled, her little paws. I call out to her sometimes just to hear myself and pretend for a second she will come to me like she always did. It’s getting harder and harder. It’s been 16 days- finally now longer than any time I spent apart from her. More anxiety is setting in. I just want my baby back in my arms.
This sucks so bad!

One way I resized my picture was if you email it to yourself on your phone, a message will pop up asking what size you want the file to be, click small or medium and it will email you the smaller size version of the photo. Use that one to upload.
Would love to see a pic. :-)
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