Registered: 1544028675 Posts: 1
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Hi Everyone, I have never really done a grief support anything before but I'm having a really hard time with the passing of my cat right now and I just need to share. My kitty was not really mine, he was my grandma's but when she passed away in 2013 I took him in. When he was alive you never saw Buddy haha. He would sleep with my grandma but if you came into the room he'd be gone in a flash. I kind of coaxed him out of this shyness when he came to live with me in college --- like I moved out of my dorms and crashed on my friends living room floor until I found an apartment so I could have him, he was my grandma in animal form. Buddy started having issues with his peeing and pooping after I cam back from a vacation in 2017 and I took him in for blood work. Everything came back "normal" for an older cat, even though I don't know how truly old he was or maybe he was younger than what I thought; I was given CatLax and told that he had just made himself think he had a UTI because he was stressed from my absence. Nothing was told to me verbally about the possibility of Kidney Disease except now that my kitty has passed I see that in the email they sent with the diagnosis work that Buddy should be on an Rx diet for possible kidney issues. Again, this was never told to me verbally but I failed to read the paragraph before the blood work and didn't put Buddy on an Rx diet. Fast forward to November 2018 and Buddy is seemingly okay, if not a little withdrawn at times but to me that's normal since he has always had his "leave me alone" days. On the 16th at 2am, he was out on my balcony like usual but this time he jumped. I saw him jump and kind of froze with an image of him with a broken neck (I'm second floor) and then I ran downstairs, by the time I got downstairs he was gone. I called his name and looked for him the entire morning with no luck, I even propped the door to the complex open since he knows that's the way to my apartment and then I went to sleep before work. I came home and he wasn't back. I looked for him and started making fliers. After a week of dusk/dawn looking someone saw my flier and told me they took Buddy to the humane society. The same day he got out. He was in the wild for less than 3 hours before someone found him and turned him in. I blame myself for not going to the shelter but instead I called and described my cat and put in a lost report with pictures thinking that would be enough even though everything I googled told me to go to the shelter myself. I finally got Buddy back on the 23rd and he immediately ate a whole can of fancy feast in my car. He drank water when he got home but then I noticed he had a sneeze. After the sneeze came some clear eye discharge and I I googled what it might be and came up with an Upper Respiratory Infection which is common in shelters and highly contagious but that it should pass by itself in a few days. I waited a couple days but I realized Buddy wasn't getting better and he wasn't eating any of his food. I tried every brand I could think of, even offering with a spoon and he wasn't having it. Finally, on the 30th I woke up and Buddy was just laying on the floor on his side and I thought he was dead. I rushed him to the vet and got his blood work done and it came back that he had a major infection, his WBC was over 40,000, that he was Anemic and that he had Chronic Kidney Failure. I was devastated but kind of hopeful cause Buddy was up and moving around after SubQ fluids, he went down a whole flight of stairs and back up at the Vets. He seemed like a fighter. I took him home that night and was given A/D and told to give him fluids and food with a syringe. I did that the entire weekend but I realized Buddy wasn't taking to it and I weighed him, he had lost another pound since going to the vet. On Friday he was 5 pounds, on Sunday he was 4.12. I had just finished feeding him at 5 on Sunday and I was talking to my sister in the other room and I heard a thump and I found my cat on the floor besides the food I just fed him, thrown up, and I think he died right there. But I thought he was still alive because he was taking these deep breaths every few seconds. I rushed Buddy to the ER and they said he died but then the little oxygen they had given him had brought his heart back a little. I tried to reason and think maybe he just choked on the food but the vet emphasized that his heart had stopped by itself, that the oxygen was what brought him back, that his quality of life is extremely depleted even if I had hospitalized him. So I euthanized him. And I feel so guilty. Like I failed in taking care of him. I didn't even know how old he was. And now finding that blood work from 2017 and realizing my cat was in the shelter the entire time I spent uselessly following leads and looking for him makes me feel that I really did let him down, that I didn't pay attention enough to prevent him from dying and that I didn't get him out of the shelter soon enough to prevent an infection taking hold. I feel like if I had taken better care of him he would still be alive.
Registered: 1530829145 Posts: 55
Reply with quote #2
It's really easy to look back and find fault or think that if only... I think we all have those regrets. Our animals can't talk to us and tell us what's wrong, and they don't always show it until it's too late, so we do miss those early signs. Try instead to remember your good times together. Look at pictures where Buddy is happy and healthy. Again, it's very easy to be hard on ourselves, but we all know you did your best. You provided a loving home for Buddy for those years you had together.
__________________ Carole, Mom to Zoe, who crossed the bridge on 7/5/18, Jasmine, who crossed on 7/14/18, and Layla, on 12/1/18, all will forever be in my heart, and ongoing mom to Roxie. https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/ZOE085/Resident.htm https://www.RainbowsBridge.com/residents/JASMI151/Resident.htm https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/LAYLA022/Resident.htm
Registered: 1541635112 Posts: 11
Reply with quote #3
I am so sorry for your sudden loss of your beautiful Buddy! I don't think you failed taking care of him. You did the best, all you could, all in your power in those given situations the past days being in shock seeing his health declining. Please be kind to yourself Sending much Love and hugs
Registered: 1531669228 Posts: 936
Reply with quote #4
My heart goes out to you, Buddy is absolutely beautiful. You did not fail him, you did the best you knew how to do and Buddy knows this. Hindsight is always 20/20 and we always beat ourselves up when things like this happen. I am sorry for your loss and Buddy is lucky to have had you to love him.
Marlen(Max & Bailey's mommy)