My heart is breaking without you. My chest feels completely empty. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I never meant for this to happen. Spay/declaw surgery is painful but I thought you’d get better like the 4 cats before you. When I sat with you all those days telling you how happy you’d be to be out of the exercise room and in the whole house with everyone else I really meant it. I really did. I so wanted to see what kind of little cat you’d turn into. Your pretty gold fur and eyes. My little gold angel kitty. You don’t realize how much I loved you. You listened to me work through my own pain of depression, always there, mostly sleeping. I do think you enjoyed all the pet time, even if I spent a lot of time crying over the uncertainty about my own life. I’m lost these last few days without you. My morning routine of caring for you is over. It’s hard because remember when I said I thought the only reason why I’m really still here/alive is to take care of my babies. Now what? You’re gone. I have to remember I have 3 others that need me. I can’t go in the exercise room to workout because there are too many memories of you in there. Sneaking out of the play pen like a little gopher while I’m on the elliptical. Even if you were never as vocal about pet time like your little brother. I’m telling myself that his loud purr is so loud because he’s purring for you both. I wish I would have cuddled you more. I was waiting for you to come to me when you wanted. I know you didn’t always like to be held. I thought when you’re an older kitty you can make up your own mind. Tater doesn’t like to be held either, but comes when she wants our attention. She’s loved with all my heart too, so never think since you weren’t held all day you weren’t. She came to me for attention twice yesterday, I think she sees how sad I am. Little Buddy likes to cuddle so he’ll get extra cuddle time that will be meant for you. I’m glad I work from home, so I got to spend extra time with you. You were the first one out of the kennel in the mornings to go run and play. I’m sorry you never got to experience a full ray of hot summer sun or that first time I open the windows in the spring for the fresh air. Or going out the cat door into the catio for the first time. Or out the front door (on a leash of course!) to eat the front lawn grass. You never saw the big tree in the front yard with all the squirrels and birds, so it doesn’t matter that it’s gone now. I’m trying to remember, I think when you were in the play pen in the living room we opened the windows in Oct. when we had some really nice days. I hope you were able to smell the breeze and I hope it didn’t make you sad that I took you from the wild outdoors and trapped you inside a house. I was trying to give you a better life than one of a feral farm cat. I feel like I failed you. I just hope you were a happy content kitten with all the love, food, toys, warmth and safety you could have ever wanted in your short 5 month life. Is that why you went to the window chair as soon as you were let out of the exercise room? Did you realize there was a big window to the outside there? Was it comfort with the other cat smells. I hope you had some comfort in having us here for your last breath? Your brother was there for you too. Tater checked on you too. Tots was too scared to get too close. I keep trying not to run that moment through my head. I’m sorry if you were in pain. I’m so sorry. I want to have happy memories of you playing in the tunnel and running around wild up and down the cat trees and making your little squeaking noises of fun and when you used to come snuggle under the blanket with us when we laid on the floor. Daddy and I spent a lot of time in that exercise room on the floor with you. Even though he rolled his eyes when I brought home 2 new kittens, I’m pretty sure by the next day you had his heart. Daddy is heartbroken too, he’s keeping it together a lot better than I am. I think because he gets to leave the house in the morning for work, plus he has coworkers to talk to. I’m here all day with your memories and no one to talk to. Every time I walk by the exercise room I look in there to see where you are. Are you on the cat tree? At the food dish? That room is rearranged now with the weight bench back in there. That was the plan all along for this past weekend. You and Little Buddy to recover from surgery and be free to run in the whole house and the exercise room to go back to the exercise room instead of your room. I just wish it would have been more time with you. I really thought we had a good 10+ years in front of us for more time. I just realized this, you had your surgery on Jan. 7th and 5 years ago on the 7th is when Jezabel left us. You never got to met Jezabel. She wouldn’t have liked you, don’t take it personal, she didn’t like any other cats. But maybe you two would have gotten along since you were both calico/torties. Where ever you are I hope Jez is there with you to show you the ropes of being a big cat or maybe you can remind her how to be a kitten again. And I hope Mystee, don’t be scared of her she’s a big dog but won’t hurt you, is protecting you both, but remember she needs to be loved and cuddled too, snuggle up to her at night she’s a furnace. I hope all of our childhood friends are there for you too, Tiger, Buttons, Tootsie and Brandy.
I love you my sweet little gold kitty.