sds Show full post »
ForMitookie_03
Hi Sharon,

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a few days, but I have been trying to keep myself busy so as not to fall apart.  You are definitely doing the right thing by coming on here to post your thoughts.  I did the same thing and it was very healing to be able to get out what was crowding my mind.  I also went over and over in my head the last days and weeks of Mitookie's life.  The first few days after his death were filled with excruciating grief, but also anger.  Anger at the vet, anger at myself for not pressing harder for answers, and on and on.  I felt that because I made the decision to have the surgery done, that I am the one that caused his death.  Slowly the anger dissipated and all I am left with is grief.  I used to go to the front door to call my other cat in and caught myself calling his name.  I kept expecting to see him up on the kitchen counter waiting for his chicken.  For a while it was if I had to train myself to realize he wasn't there anymore.  Things were so silent.  Mitookie, being a siamese, used to have the loudest meow and he used to talk A LOT!  I wrote him letters and still do.  I have so much to say.  Mostly I find myself saying I'm sorry.  I used to take his ashes in that beautiful wooden box and place it on the pillow next to mine while I slept, so I could feel like he was still going to bed with me.  I understand everything you are feeling.  I know that we all do.  It is terribly hard at first.  I couldn't get out of bed, or eat, I didn't go to work for a few days, and I was taking anti-anxiety medication just to stop the uncontrollable crying.  It does get easier, I promise.  I sometimes feel like I don't want to get better, because that would be a betrayal of my love for Mitookie, but I know deep down that isn't true.  Just one of many irrational thoughts that are part of the grieving process. Everything you are going through is so very normal, so keep writing as many thoughts as you want to because I believe it promotes healing as well.  I hope you have safe travels.  Sending you hugs and warm thoughts.

Marina
Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
Quote 0 0
ForMitookie_03
I forgot to tell you what a beautiful kitty Scout was.  I love the picture you posted. He is absolutely adorable!

Marina
Marina ~ Mitookie's Mom
Quote 0 0
sds
Finally back and able to post again.  I am very grateful for all your kind thoughts and stories.  And I am very sad for all our losses.  It is comforting to know that we all understand and don't make light of the loss of "just a pet" -- either with insensitive or mean comments or just silence and forgetfulness.  Although I understand why many people don't get it, it is still frustrating at times.  

It's been 2 weeks now since we lost Scout.  And, like Marina, I am a bit more often sad rather than angry or guilty.  But I still wonder what went wrong, what I/others could have known or done differently...  And once in a while, I feel "glad" that he died peacefully and painlessly in my arms.  I imagine, over time, I'll be grateful for that.  But now, I am still very sad.  I can't believe he's gone.   Like others here, my grief comes in waves, especially now that I'm not as super busy as I was the last few weeks.  Although not as vivid, I still feel a bit of a shock every time I realize that he's gone. 

We had an extremely kind and generous vet student/graduate come to our home to administer subq fluids once a week for the past couple of months or so.  She also taught us how to administer fluids ourselves the last week of his life.  Unfortunately, I had to stick him numerous times to get it right the last time--though he didn't flinch or react at all, so hopefully it wasn't horrible for him.  Anyway, I think she was surprised when I told her we put Scout to sleep three days after she last came.  She thought he looked happy and his eye looked better.  But somehow, he got weaker and wasn't able to swallow, just in 2 days.  I know it had been coming on for awhile, but we didn't notice.  Yesterday, we got a beautiful flower arrangement from her!  I don't know why, but I just broke down and cried.  I was so touched by her kindness, and how Scout touched her too even in such a short time.  It was a reminder again that her visits were no longer needed. 

The fact that spring is coming is also very painful--Scout loved springtime (what indoor/outdoor cat wouldn't!).  He loved to walk.  He had two speeds, on and off.  Even on the last day when he was wobbly, he kept walking, walking... It seemed he always had a goal or mission.  The harsh winters in Minnesota kept him homebound, and this year it was/is relatively long and snowy.  The last time March was like this was 5 years ago when he had emergency surgery at midnight to remove adenocarcinoma from his intestines.   The surgeon had to reattach the ends of the intestines and they had to connect to each other within 5 days, before the sutures dissolved.  It was such a scary time.  And we worried he wouldn't see spring again.  But he did--5 more times!  To mark the anniversary of his surgery, we took photos of him every year on March 7th and sent a photo card to his surgeon and oncologist to thank them for saving his life.  This year he was about 10 days shy.  But I have to be grateful that he survived 5 years after that horrible day.  And other than the past few months, when we ran out of treatment options for other diseases (lymphoma/IBD, kidney disease, hypothyroidism) he had a full and happy life -- or so we hope.  He almost made it to 20 (this April).  I should be grateful I know... but still I want him back so much.  

In case you make it back to this thread, I want to thank all the people who posted to my comments last week!  You are all so kind.  My heart goes out to you all as well.  There is great loss among all of us.  Lamont, I can understand the enormity of your loss of Bertie and the frustration you feel when others don't fully understand.  My husband gets a lot of "crap" from insensitive brothers who don't know how profound a loss it is to him.  I/my husband really appreciate your honesty and courage to share your feelings.  Thank you for reminding me that cats hide their pain for survival in the wild.  It helps to think of that when I beat myself up for not noticing pain that could have been treated or avoided.  Marina, I relate to what you are saying about Mitookie.  I, too, say I'm sorry, hoping that he'll forgive me.  And I often hug the box containing his cremains.  My husband pets his photo and talks to him, wishes him good night.  We both have a hard time letting go of the old patterns.  Feeding times are most painful.  Val, thank you for validating our tendencies to want answers and for understanding how deeply connected we are to Scout.  And Catiebie, I'm so sorry to hear about the horrible ordeal with Marissa's lymphoma. It must have been such a shock that she went so quickly.  And thank you for reminding me that Scout's symptoms were really serious and not easily reversible, especially given his age and lack of treatment options.  It helps ease the incessant questioning, that only causes more suffering.   I wish you all the very best.  Hugs to all of you.  I will look for your posts elsewhere on this forum and will reply there if I can help.    

Sharon
Quote 0 0