Buddy_Mama
I just found this forum today, because I need to share my feelings and somehow get through this awful experience with others who truly understand. I lost my cat Buddy 3 nights ago. It was very sudden and unexpected, even though he had been under the weather for a few weeks. He would have turned 10 on May 4. He was my heart, my soul, my world... I spent every day, all day, with him unless I was traveling. I miss him so, so much. I can't stop thinking about him and I've been crying much of every day. I want to hold on to every single memory of him... while at the same time I can't bear looking at his food & water dishes, his litterbox, his toys, his favorite napping spots. There are reminders of him everywhere in my house.

I've had (and lost) 2 other cats before Buddy. My first cat, Barney, and my second cat, Mandy, both lived to be 19. While it was absolutely horrible to lose each of them, they lived almost twice as long as Buddy. And because each had been ill for a while before I had to make the wrenching decision of euthanasia, the gradual nature of their decline meant I was a bit more emotionally prepared. Not so with Buddy's loss.

I feel so lost and empty, having trouble eating and sleeping, crying so hard when I'm home alone. My husband and I together took Buddy to the emergency vet hospital 3 nights ago, but I've spent the last 24+ hours alone as he's been out of town on a business trip. I've experienced a series of losses over the last 2.5 years (my job, my father, my aunt), and this one is just crushing me. Buddy was the sweetest, most affectionate cat I've ever known. I used to tell him he was my joy and my purpose, the beautiful, unconditionally loving soul who has kept me going. And now he's gone.

Thank you for reading and letting me pour my broken heart out.

Buddy's mama
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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sugarandspice
Sending you so much love as well. Buddy is beautiful. I wish I could say something that makes it feel better. It's so hard wanting to remember our babies but also the pain the memories bring... I can only hope that we all one day have joy at the memories. I wish our babies could have had more time. I try to tell myself that the love he was able to give in the short time he was here was amazing. 
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Buddy_Mama
Thank you so much. It's the single worst cruelty of the universe that our beloved, unconditionally loving babies go before us. Not that I wanted to go before Buddy, and leave him wondering where I went... (whenever I'd travel, my husband would tell me he'd sit by the front door watching & waiting for me, at least for the first night I was away). But the pain of losing our babies is so intense. I read in a grief resource last night that the horrible pain we feel at losing them is due to the deep, deep love we have for them, and the bond we share. The deeper the love, the deeper the pain.
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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NeonCat
Buddy Mama,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet buddy and the resulting pain you are dealing with. I am a little over a month from the date my Ziggy passed, and not quite a month since my Josie kitty followed. While I still cry every day, and the pain, grief, and horrible emptiness are still present, I am now able to go out among the living. I guess this is my way of saying it gets a little better. I was talking to a friend whose kitty died a year ago December... she still misses him and still cries, but she is able to focus more on the happy memories. For now we are grieving, but one day I hope we will all arrive at that happier place. Baby steps. One day at a time. Hugs to you
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Buddy_Mama
Thank you, NeonCat. I'm so sorry for the loss of your two kitties so close together. I know it will get better, but when it's fresh the pain feels like it will never go away. Hugs to you too.
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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BorderCollieLover
Buddy_Mama:

  I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved Buddy. Yes, we all understand what you are experiencing as all of us are going through the exact same thing to one degree or another. It's evident from your writing that Buddy was so precious to you. It's healthy and perfectly normal to cry, not eat and lose sleep. Just let it out and come to this Forum frequently so we know that you are okay. Please take consolation in the fact that you are not alone. We all care.

My condolences,

Jim
Jim Miller
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Buddy_Mama
Thank you so much, Jim. Being able to talk to others who all are sharing the same pain, and knowing I'm not alone, does make it a little easier to bear. It's day 4 without my little boy, and my days are so empty now. He was such a major part of my daily routine and consciousness. In addition to losing my 2 previous cats, I lost my father 1.5 years ago, and have lost other relatives and friends... I wish that having gone through grief before this helped make this easier. But it doesn't.
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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LaGata
I am so sorry for your loss.  Today is not a good day for me....I can't stop the tears, I want to scream until l have no voice..I want to know why my baby had to leave me.  This is the most god awful feeling.  I don't think my heart will ever mend.  I want to hold her again.  I want to hit somebody, anybody, until they feel as bad as I do.  Some days are worse than this, some better.  I'm glad you found this site...as happy as I could be under the present circumstances.  It has helped me, altho it may not sound like it.
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Buddy_Mama
Thank you, LaGata. I'm feeling all the same things you are... I'm crying, I'm screaming at God for taking my baby, for making him suffer. I'm talking to my Buddy, I too desperately want to hold him again. One of the only things that's making me temporarily feel any better is being able to share my feelings here. I'm also forcing myself to do a few chores, and I have the TV on to distract me with the news - and to fill the awful silence in my house. I attended a pet loss support group last night, which helped calm my mind and provided some relief for a couple of hours. It feels like my purpose in life is gone, like time has stopped. Maybe the best we can all do is just be here for each other, as virtual shoulders to cry on as we try to cope. Sending you hugs.
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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kikis_mom_1118
I'm sorry for your loss...I do understand the emptiness and the pain. I miss my girl every single day. All we can do is to keep going on the best way we can.
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Buddy_Mama
Thank you, Kiki's Mom. My mind knows this, but my heart can't accept it. 🙁
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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Bigcatsdad
I'm so very sorry for your loss of Buddy. He's a good looking boy and sounded like a very loving and faithful companion. He reminds me of the one I just lost.
I feel your pain. A little over five weeks ago we had to put down our 16 year old cat Albert, he was my best bud, my big black cat. He developed an inoperable mass in his abdomen and we made the painful decision to end and not prolong his suffering. The hardest thing I have ever had to do. I didn't realize how much he meant to me until he passed, now I'm truly heart broken. The first week was brutal, I couldn't eat, barely slept and cried and cried for three days. The second week the guilt and regret were almost overwhelming. It has gotten a little bit better but the house is so empty and quiet without him just like my life. I still cry every day, I miss him so much  I have good days and then a bad one when it all comes back and the sadness envelops me. When I found this website and forum it has really helped. It took me four to five tries to write my first post, I would write a few lines and then I would start crying and could see the screen for the tears in my eyes but I eventually made it. There are so many here that understand the sadness and heart break.
It's such a hard painful decision to have to make and the heart break and sorrow is like a giant weight pressing down but deep down we know as hard as it is it's right to end the suffering and not prolong it for our little furry ones. I hope remembering the years you spent with him and giving him a good loving home can hopefully bring you even a little comfort.
My deepest condolences.
Bigcatsdad
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Katharinelk
I am so sorry for your loss of Buddy. What a gorgeous cat. Black cats are awesome. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. I 100% agree with you when you said it is the cruelest trick of the universe that our sweet, innocent furkids have to go before we do. Sometimes, it helps me to know that they would have lived and died with or without me, but luckily, it was with me. I hope they felt lucky, anyway - I know I did! This time - I lost my beautiful kitty Amy 2 weeks ago - that thought doesn't seem to be working too well. Maybe because, as happened with your sweet Buddy, it all happened so fast. I agree that Buddy was far too young to be taken. That makes it even harder. My Amy was young, too. She was 12. But I have, in the past, lost 2 kitties who were 9, the same as Buddy. It's not fair.  I also identify with you in that I lost my Dad a couple of years ago. And many other losses over the past few years. It's really rough when they all come close together, isn't it? 

Well, I truly am sorry you lost Buddy. He was a lucky cat; you can tell how very loved he was, and is. He looks so happy in his picture! I've heard it told that with our pets it's the quality, not the quantity, of time they have, and in that respect, I suspect that Buddy hit the jackpot. ❤️
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Buddy_Mama
Thank you so much, Bigcatsdad and Katharine. It's so helpful to know that others here really understand, and comforting to hear kind words. I feel so lost and empty, without purpose... taking care of Buddy, especially in the last 3 weeks when he was sick, was my #1 priority. My brain and common sense tell me it will get better - and I know it will, because I've grieved through the loss of my previous 2 cats and the loss of my dad. But right now the pain feels like a bottomless pit. I promised my mom and my husband that I'd take better care of myself tomorrow, including eating right, staying hydrated, and going for a 30-minute walk. I hope doing those things makes me feel a bit better tomorrow.

Cindy (Buddy's mama)
Cindy (Buddy’s mama)
My baby Buddy 5/4/10-3/7/20, rescued March 2011
My sweet Mandy 11/27/91-11/2/10, rescued November 1992
My beautiful Barney 4/28/73-9/7/92, adopted May 1973
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Katharinelk
Hi Cindy, it sounds like you are in the same spot I am - which is that bottomless pit you mentioned. I, too, know that I have to take better care of myself, but it's so hard to find the will to do so. Today I set a challenge for myself, which is to just get out of the bedroom, and go downstairs and sit. You would think it was a 100 mile hike I was facing, it seems so impossible! Problem is, down there is where I would hang out with Amy. She would sleep in front of the keyboard, with her fuzzy little chin resting on my wrist, while I worked at the computer. I'm tearing up just writing this. 

Anyway, I imagine it will get easier for us, bit by bit, day by day.  I am glad to hear that you plan to take better care of yourself. I hope it does, indeed, make you feel better. Hugs to you! 

Kathy 
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