On June 2, 2017, I made the decision to let my baby, Max go. I got Max when he was 7 months old and we spent 15+ years together. His deterioration came from his age, Cushing's disease, and the loss of sight to SARDS. I had spent a 4 day Memorial day weekend with him and my instincts told me his time was near. I witnessed how much he was struggling with walking, eating, and defecating. The vet agreed it was time, Max had lost 1/2 his weight and no longer had the strength to move around or even stand up. He was so tired. It was just Max and I here at home for 15+ years. I'm single and don't have kids. I feel like I’m going through this all alone. I have my family but they aren’t good with emotions themselves. I feel like I would be bothering them by calling them or crying about the loss of my dog.
I’m coming to the realization that it isn’t just about losing Max, but about losing the life that I had with him as well. This has been the most traumatic part of all of this. Every day, I would worry about him, give him affection, and simply had him there for me to love. We had a routine every single day from the moment I woke up to the moment we went to bed. Now, there’s nothing, no one for me to do that with. I also feel like I took having him around for granted. I loved him so much, but sometimes didn’t realize just how much he made my life better. But, he did –he made it so that I never felt lonely. All of this is hard for me to convey to the people around me. I’m having so many thoughts and feelings that I don’t know how to manage.
I’m so broken that I can’t hide it. I’m use to hiding how I feel, always pulled together, always in control. It’s frustrating for me because then I feel guilty for feeling this way, when I know Max is worth my tears, my breakdown. He’s worth so much more, and I have to bear this for the love that I had for him -how can I be frustrated or mad. I would tell Max that “mama will be okay”, but I’m not. I’m far from it.
Before getting sick, he was independent, tenacious and strong; he never showed signs of weakness not even in the end. No one could mess with him and he knew it. He didn’t like other dogs or cats, he was very territorial. He loved people, especially “our” people. He understood that everyone that came in was invited and he loved them all. He wanted to kiss them all, he would bark excitedly -they all loved him and his personality as well.
Max adjusted to his blindness and most of his issues, he was such a fighter, but in the end these things took over. I lost that independent little protector 2 years ago when he lost his sight. He became completely dependent on me. Max was my “soul mate”, he understood what I needed without me knowing. I never knew that I needed him so much, but I did. He was always by my side through all of my life's events, I never felt alone as long as he was there. I haven’t only lost my dog, he was my child –my constant companion, my life’s purpose.