Luna_90
Almost a year ago, I made the decision to put my cat of 17 years down. Luna hadn't been eating and was losing weight at a rapid pace. I took her to the vet and they let me know the possibilities for a cat her age and I brushed it off.

They gave me the results and said her kidneys were failing and said it would be best to put her down. It took the wind out of me. She wasn't eating, she was smaller, and slept a bit more, but she seemed fine. She drank water, cuddled when she could. But I didn't want her to suffer. I didn't want to keep her around until I was sure she was in pain and wanted her to be peaceful

But I still cry. Not every day, but once a week or so. At work, and home, playing a game. I feel like a murderer. I loved her so much and I feel like I failed her. Maybe it was too soon, maybe I should of taken her somewhere else. I feel like she trusted me and I killed her.

Every time I look at a picture or see her ashes I feel like I'm dying. And I can't take it back, I can't undo what I did. I don't know what to do. I haven't been able to function properly without her. I almost wish I followed her because being with out her and with this guilt just seems too painful

No one I know understands. They say she's just a cat. But she was my best friend since I was 11.she was there through so much and I feel like when she needed me the very most I made the worst decision.
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Menders_Mama
I hear you and I have felt the same sentiment for my pup. Just follow them to be with them again. It seems like both a rational and irrational thought. I miss my loved one I want them to be with me but if they can’t then I will go to them. But then I remember, they were here to love, here to heal, and here to be loved, and they excel at that and that is why their lives so short. I hurts and it doesn’t seem fair, someone messed up when they wrote the rules for this stuff... hang in there
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Memories_of_Marmalade


Dearest Gabrielle,

You are not alone sweetheart. So many of us feel exactly the same. It seems there is never a right decision. No matter the choice. If you read the posts and comments from those who waited to long, or continued treatment, some of them experienced a death of their loved one that was beyond horrific. Their pets became blind, did not know them any longer, made terrible / unforgettable sounds, writhed in pain, had seizures, bled from all orifices, drowned in their own blood and fluids, or went into comas, or became catatonic etc. You showed your cat Luna mercy in the end. You saved her from one or more of those fates with your choice.

They say that "by ending their pain and suffering we agree to transfer that pain and suffering onto ourselves. To absorb it. We then process that pain and suffering through the grieving process." This is what you are enduring. It is what I am enduring. What so many here are coping with. 

Another thing we have learned, as you may already know is, cats in the wild, or on the street, only live on average 2 to 5 years. We can automatically extend their life span by providing them with regular food and fresh water, shelter (from the weather and natural predators), occasional trips to the Vet's (and medication and treatments etc.) and giving them love and affection, which is important for overall well-being. But they are simply not biologically designed or engineered to live past 5 years of age. So when a cat reaches 7 to 10? They are already a senior. To live to 17 years of age? Is miraculous. Yes, it does happen, but this forum is filled with posts and comments from cat parents whose beloved never reached that advanced age. We cheat nature. We often cheat death. 

I know it is not comforting, but your girl lived a very, very long life. And your words are filled with love, adoration and affection for her. The fact that you are still thinking about her, grieving her and regretting your decision a year later, is once again a testament for your great and enduring love for your beloved Luna.

I too was forced to put my best friend down. A cat named "Marmalade." He was my only and best friend, my last remaining family, my only company, my love and my light. And I was forced (I felt) to finally let him go. I could not watch him to continue to deteriorate just stick around for my benefit. I had to think of HIS needs and not my own. As you had to think of your Luna's needs, and not your own.

I had to help facilitate a painless, peaceful, quiet passing. I owned him that. He inspired me and saved my life countless times. He was becoming a shadow of his former self. I needed him, but I could not allow him to possibly suffer for any further additional time. He could not speak to me to let me know what he was feeling. What he might be suffering through. It was too great a risk to allow him to live even another night.

I too have thought, even just last night, that I wish I would have departed with Marmalade when he died, but alas that was not meant to be. The consolation I have is, I am still alive to remember him. To celebrate his life. I will go soon enough, that is true, we are all shadows and dust, but in the meantime, I will honor Marmalade and his life. 

Now you know about my Marmalade. And I know about your Luna. We have shared their stories with each other. And there are others who will read your post and this comment and remember them both.

When I look at Marmalade's ashes, which I keep at my bedside, I like to think of how all living beings on Earth, are made up of 4.5 billion year old carbon. Carbon from exploded stars. We are all made up of it. Including our cats and dogs. We are all made of star stuff. And when our beloved's are turned to ash, those ashes are made of stardust. How fitting that our beloveds are made up of stardust, as they were such shooting stars in our lives for the short time they were in them. Ashes of our beloveds are Holy. They are sacred.

Please be gentle with yourself Gabrielle. And try to be forgiving. Your Luna loved you as much as you loved her. And she would not want you to suffer so.

When you feel "sad" or "depressed", try instead to feel "humbled" for the love you shared with Luna. For your paths crossing in the first place. When you feel "remorseful" or "regretful" or "guilty", try and feel "grateful" and "blessed" for the time that you had with your Luna. And all the great moments and memories you shared with her. Ask for mercy. This will help you with your healing. The more you try and do this, truly ask for mercy, the faster you will finally heal. 

You are not alone. Many of us are with you. I am sorry you are still grieving and I wish you peace and healing.

Kind regards,
James
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Luna_90
Thank you for the replies. This forum makes me feel less crazy. Everyone just tells me how I'm being dramatic and that she was "just a cat," and it just makes me feel even worse. I know she lived a long life for a cat. She outlived all of my friend's child hood pets by almost a decade, so I know that I was so, so blessed to have her for the time that I did because some don't get even half as many. 

I just hope that she forgives me and understands that, at the time, I thought it was the best decision for her. I would of never wanted to do anything to hurt her and I wish I could go back every day and, at the very least, hold on to her for one more day.
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