My dearest Cookie,

It will be a year in less than a week yet it feels like I just made the awful gut wrenching heart breaking decision only days ago.

A few months after I said goodbye to you, I went back to the vet and had a brief heart to heart.  He told me what I felt in my gut instinct.  That you could have probably lasted a few more months.  But at the same time, at what cost?  It would have been constant vet visits and blood draws and frequent sub q fluid needles.  I couldn't poke you with a needle because it hurt me to think it would hurt you.  And I just didn't welcome the idea of shuffling you back/forth to the vet frequently just to keep you around longer.  Life was difficult then as it is now.  Dealing with Mom/Dad's failing health, working full time and living with an alcoholic husband was too much to bear.  The guilt I have for letting you go will haunt me forever.  

Since May 2017, I still cry.  I may not cry daily because sometimes life just keeps me so busy that I don't even have time to connect with my inner self and give time to just stop thinking/doing/analyzing.  But then when I do find time to disconnect, the pain of losing you hits me all over again.  When it's slow at work, I go through pictures and videos of you.  When I have trouble sleeping, I play the videos of you sleeping and snoring.  I play the videos of you snoring on loop until I fall asleep.  Your beds, blankets, and toys are still there.  Your bath towels are still folded on the sofa.  Your two unopened bag of your favorite treats are still there.

There are times I help a neighbor dog sit for a few hours or walk their dogs.  I admit it feels nice.  But trying to hold them or have them sit on my lap or curl into my arms doesn't feel quite right.  I miss how you feel on my lap and the weight of your curled in my arms and held against my chest like a precious treasure that you are. 

We still talk as if you are here.  We still leave a little bit of our dinner for you.  I miss the clicking sound of opening your grooming box when we opened a nightly for your brushing.  I miss the feel of the comb in my hand and running it through your smooth soft hair.  I miss the sound of your nails on our floors and the sound of you panting.  I miss the jingle jangle of your dog tags.

It's not often that I dream of you.  But when I do, I'm ever so grateful.  Twice it felt like you were sleeping on my legs like the way you sometimes did.  Maybe I had a nighttime muscle spasm. But I like to think it was you.  Twice I thought I smelled you when I was on vacation in a strange bed.  I like to think it was you.  I miss you so much my little girl, and I keep waiting for the day to be with you again.  I love you Cookie.

Your mama,

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Hi Kim,  that first year marker is very hard to deal with as it marks the end of all those "This time last year Cookie was still here" thoughts.  Its now almost 29 months since we lost our little soul mate dog Jim, but I remember that one year anniversary so well, and was just dreading it.  Eventually, we decided to "celebrate " his life, and on the actual day we went on one of Jim`s favourite walks, then went out for a meal in the evening where we raised a toast to Jim and thanked him for being our special little friend to us.       
  I don`t think the pain of losing them will ever really go away - they were such a huge part of our lives for so many years, but it does get a little easier as time moves forward, although I know we would all do anything to have them back....        Like you with Cookies things, we still have Jim`s bed and toy`s - every now and then I say to myself that the time is right to take them to our local rescue centre, but then something always stops me....  whatever, there really is no harm in holding on to them.     Sending you peace and hugs, and hoping you get another dream of sweet little Cookie again soon.

                                                                                      Sending peace and hugs,  Jackie. 
J Taylor
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Hi Jackie,

That is a wonderful idea to celebrate Cookie's life.  I think we will go on that walk and thank her.  She meant so much to us like all our fur babies do.  I think she would want us to be happy--even if just for a moment since we spend so much time still heartbroken.  Thank you for that wonderful idea.
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