MLovesRuby
Hallo everyone....

Meeting all of you wonderful people on this forum has really helped me from going absolutely mad with grief!  I lost my 16 year old beautiful black cat Ruby Tuesday due to cancer almost a month ago.  I am still so absolutely crushed that she is gone.  That damn covid made it impossible for me to be with her.  They just came to my car and took her away from me and that was the last time I saw her.  In January of 2020, she had a UTI...2 days in the hospital, and some medication at home and she was doing so well.  Four months later I knew that something was wrong, I (stupidly) thought maybe the UTI was coming back.  So on the way to the vet in the car, I was telling her that she would be just fine, they were going to fix her just like last time and I will be bringing her home soon.  She was in overnight and they called the next day....cancer everywhere.  How could I not know????!  The symptoms were similar to 4 months earlier!!!  I had to make the decision over the phone to let her go while she was under sedation.  I asked if I could please be with her and they said no.  There is nothing I can say in words to describe the pain.  I still can't stop crying over that day.  Now a month later.....I am empty.  I live alone.  The heartbeat is gone from my house.  Soooo quiet.  Ruby took up every inch of this house, and now it feels like a shell.  I miss touching her and smelling her and listening to her stories.  She would patiently let me mush her and count her toes and smell her belly.  The pain is overwhelming.

I used to get up in the morning and Ruby would stretch and slowly get up with me.  We'd make our way to the kitchen and I would start a pot of coffee and make Ruby's breakfast.  She'd get crunchies in one side of her dish and a gravy filled soft food on the other.  The sound of her licking up her gravy while the coffee pot gurgled was such a great way to start our day.....I'd stand and watch her asking if she liked her breakfast.  Now the sound of the pot gurgling is so sad to me.  No Ruby to talk to and ask if she had good dreams.  We had our whole day together.  But this is my life now.  Silence. She's really gone.  I still cannot wrap my mind around it.  How do we love and pet and mush and talk and then POOF...it just stops???!  I can't figure out where to put that emotion.  Where does the love I so desperately want to give her go?  

Peace and Much Love to everyone here.

Michelle
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Dogmomma
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can feel the love you felt for her in your words. I lost my dog Bella three weeks ago and it just hurts so much...she was my shadow who followed Mama around everywhere. Nothing really makes losing them any easier but I'm glad I found this page with like minded people who love their babies so much...as I do 
Nicole Balmat
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MLovesRuby
Thank you Nicole.  I am so sorry for the loss of your Bella.  This is sooooo hard.  My love for her grew and grew as we aged together.  We were a perfect fit.  I miss her so much it hurts beyond belief.  I hope you find peace as I am trying to find mine.

Take care.
Michelle
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nat
I am so sorry for your loss! 
The house never feels the same after they are gone. I had my Clifford for 17 years of my life and he passed away 5 months ago and ugh its just so sad and devastating and how you said the pain is so overwhelming but all I can say is that the pain never really goes away, just take it day by day and slowly just learn how to live with It. It's like we have to learn how to live without them. 
Sending a big hug your way!
Natalie R
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AngelsMomGina
Ruby sounds like such a wonderful kitty. My cat, Angel, passed in a similar way about a month ago and I still can't believe she's gone after 17 years. I sometimes think I hear her meows. They're such sweet companions. I found an artist that does pet memorial portraits and that has given me some comfort.
Angel's Mom Gina
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MLovesRuby
Thank you so much for your kind words Natalie and Gina.  I hug you right back!  I'm so sorry you lost Clifford, Natalie....he is sooo sweet in your picture.  I will take the pain for my Ruby.  She did sooo much for me, she gave me the best life I could ask for.  I will love her forever...she was my home.

Gina, I would love to see the portrait of Angel if you would like to share.  Don't the years with them pass by so quickly?  Ruby was my everything as I live alone.  She made the quarantine bearable.  Even though I'm an introvert and being alone is my preference....I never wanted to be alone without my girl.  Every inch of this house is hers....she just let me live here.  We had the perfect life.  I would give anything in this world to touch her one more time.

I love you so much my sweet baby.  I will miss my best friend forever.
Michelle
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roseblue1
I know just how you feel as I to was not allowed to be with my darling boy Monty through to Covid-19...and it was the thing that ate me up with guilt...as I always said I would hold my baby when his time came...and it did not happen.

But through the kindness of people on here and my daughter they made me feel I had nothing to feel guilty about and that he knew how much I loved him and how much he loved me...the vet was kind and said that she would cuddle him and tell him how much we loved him and told the time she would be letting Monty go so that we could be with him in mind and they sent me a beautiful card...not all vets can be so kind.

I also had Monty cremated and now have his ashes...to which I chat away to in the day and night and has made me feel that he is home again with us.

Keep remembering the good times...because he will be in your heart.

Take care

Ellen.
Ellen Hague
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MLovesRuby
Hello Ellen.
I'm really sorry you lost your Monty.  I hear your words and I'm trying to let that guilt go.  I too wanted to be there to hold my girl.  I also wonder if seeing her sedated and so full of tubes....that would be the last memory I have of her....would that be worse?  We could ask a thousand people that question and have a thousand different answers.  

This forum and all of the beautiful pet parents have helped me from falling into a deep dark pit.  So many babies we so loved. 

I have the urn too....but Ellen...I can't even look at it.  I cannot think that my baby is in there.  I want to remember her healthy and whole. 

Thank you Ellen for your kind words.  Good bye Ruby Tuesday.....still I'm gonna miss you.
Michelle
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fvernon
I feel the same, Michelle, it's all so bizarre and after three weeks, I still can't take it in and like you say, I don't know where I'm supposed to direct all my love and attention, it's like there's just a big gaping hole in my life.  It still doesn't feel real to me and I keep expecting to wake up from this nightmare. There are so many reminders too.  I'm also still traumatised by how everything ended that I wasn't able to say goodbye, the shock of it all and that I also kept thinking my baby boy would be coming home so I didn't think too much of dropping him off at the vets for a night or two... The urn is hidden away in my house, I can't bear to look at it.

Take care,

Fliss
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MLovesRuby
Hallo Fliss
Man...you and I are feeling the EXACT same way!  It doesn't seem real at all !  I just cannot fathom that she is gone. And Ruby is everywhere here too.  She has 7 beds in the living room.  Everything is situated for her comfort, and I live around her.  I too thought that I would have her in overnight and bring her home just like in January.  The last time I touched my baby was when I was putting her in her carrier and I just cannot forget that.  I never got to say anything to her as the vet assistant just walked away with her.  She hated car rides, she hated other people, she hated the vets office.....I'm sure she was scared, that's what is breaking me into a million pieces. So abrupt...a shock...something I just can't seem to stop crying about.

The urn is in the closet...I just can't look at it.  I have her paw print on a ceramic disc and I just lost it when I saw it.  The same little toes that I used to count and nibble on.  This pain is overwhelming.  

Please take care of yourself too, Fliss.  This is hard as heck.
Michelle
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Runningman66
I feel all of your pain and suffering.Monday 29th will be exactly two months since my Coco left this world and I’d love to say my grief has lessened but it hasn’t.I think of him when I get up to when I go bed and I’ve cried every single day and still am.My heart will never be the same as there is now a big hole in it what can never be filled.The only solace I have is that you are no longer suffering but I would give anything just to hold you in my arms one more time.My beautiful boy I miss you so so much😢😢😢
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MLovesRuby
Ohhhh  look at that boy!!!  He looks so wise and noble.  He's beautiful!  I'm so sorry, Frankie (if I may call you that).  I made a promise to Ruby that I would not let her suffer in pain.  I would have fought with everything I had to keep her with me....but I had to keep that promise to her.  It was the hardest most painful day of my life.  And I have lost many people in my life....my father when I was 11 years old and other family members.  But this....this is like nothing I have ever felt.  We were part of each other.... I was Ruby and Ruby was me.  Just the two of us every day all day together.  It was perfect. 

I think at my age, 55, as opposed to the 11 year old I was when I lost my dad....I am feeling the pain so much deeper.  At 11, life hasn't kicked you in the butt yet.  We feel so many more different emotions as we age.  Losing my best friend, my world....no words can describe the pain.  I have had other pets, dogs, even a chicken!...and I loved them all and mourned for them.  They have left scars on my heart.  Right now, losing Ruby has left that hole that you know all too well, Frankie.  I hope one day, the hole will heal into a scar.  It will always be there, but it will heal.  Otherwise I fear that the pit will be too big to dig out of.  I want to maybe someday, open my home to another kitty or kitties because I need that fur to touch, I need that heartbeat, I need those eyes looking at me with love and trust.  So many babies out there need that from us too.  I'm not there yet....it will take a loooong time, I'm sure.  Never to replace my Ruby, but to share what I can with another little being that needs love and safety and food and a warm place to sleep.  Hugs to you across the miles, Frankie.
Michelle
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Runningman66
Michelle thank you for your lovely reply and yes everybody calls me Frankie so that’s fine.Yes I totally agree.I’ve lost family and friends but their loss without sounding uncaring or unloving does not come anywhere close to losing my Coco.It’s no understatement that his loss has devastated me and like you I would have paid any amount of money to keep him alive but this would have been only for my selfishness and I’m hoping in time I can forgive myself for ending my boys life as he suffered at the end with not being able walk due to arthritis,heart disease and struggling to breathe just to name a few ailments.Even writing this I have tears streaming down my face as living life without him at the moment is pure hell.It’s the little I’m things I’m missing like going supermarket for his food and treats and rushing home to get him out on the park,having him cuddle up with me watching tv.Think I’ll stop there😢too many things write I miss.Now just go home to a very empty soulless house but at least he’s home.
Love Frankie xx
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roseblue1
What a beautiful big dog...looking at that photo brings tears to my eyes as you can tell what a joy to you he was.

What wonderful memories of her you must have...and you are not uncaring as I have lost family and my losing Monty has been far more upsetting...as we loved each other unconditionally and he was with me at all times.
 I have Monty home with me as well and that has helped as I chat away to him all the time.

Treasure your memories and the love you had and still have.

Ellen x
Ellen Hague
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Runningman66

Thanks Ellen.Coco was the most friendliest,sweetest,,loyal and loving dog you could ever wish to meet and I know we all say that about our pets but he was.That’s why I’m having a hard time accepting the way his life ended as he didn’t deserve to suffer the way he did as that’s why I keep asking myself what did he do wrong?Was it me who contributed to it by giving him foods he shouldn’t have,letting him lick my dinner plate,not spotting his heart disease until it was too late so as you can see I still have a lot of guilt swirling around in my head.I still open my door expecting him to be waiting for me wagging his bum and tail but when that key turns reality sets in.He’s never coming back.This pic is of him in his healthier days.

Love Runningman

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