I lost my baby girl, Paisley, on Friday, May 1st.  She was 13 years YOUNG... a yorkie.  She and I had been inseparable since day 1.  I work from home a lot and she always sat next to me in my favorite chair, always on the left. 

I've been under some heavy stress and deadlines at work so my husband booked us a hotel at the beach last Friday to commemorate my having made it through it all.  I looked in her eyes as she followed me to the door, and I said "see you tomorrow, baby girl".  But, I didn't.

My 18 year old step daughter was home and watching the pets, so I didn't have any need to worry I thought.  So my husband and I had such a great evening of shopping.  Ate at the best restaurant.  Then we went for a swim and hot tub.  We went back to the room to relax and watch a movie and I got a text.  It was my neighbor (who I'd told we would be out of town) and she texted me to say that Paisley was in the backyard and had been crying/barking all evening.  This didn't make sense because my step daughter had been told implicitly to leave her in the house when she went to work at 6 PM.  Then shortly after she texts me again saying that she had walked to my yard around 8:30 pm to check on Paisley.  The gate was closed and she "talked" to her through the fence.  All was well.  But, I was worried because it was getting cold so I asked her to go back and put Paisley inside the house.  Then I got the text that said "your gate is wide open and Paisley is nowhere."  My heart sank. I passed the phone to my husband because I was so upset I couldn't even respond.

He was texting with her as she was looking for Paisley - and I'm packing our bags to come back to town to help look for her.  Then the phone rang.  My neighbor had found Paisley in the street.  She'd been hit by a car.  She was gone.  My beautiful 3 pound Yorkie love of goodness gone.  Just like that.  And why was the gate open?

It was now near 11 PM and I didn't know if we should drive back or stay.  I was HYSTERICAL.  I'm surprised that the front desk at the hotel didn't call about my wailing.  We ended up staying there, which was probably for the best.  I wailed and screamed all night long.  We drove back the following day and I went to bed under a heavy dose of Xanax.  My husband buried her in the back yard.

I'm angry that my step daughter didn't make sure she was inside before she left for work.  I'm angry that somebody messed with my gate and let my baby out.  I'm angry that whoever hit her kept going. I'm angry that she had to die alone.... in the middle of an effing street. I'm angry that my best friend didn't get the opportunity to go in her own time, with dignity.  And I feel so very responsible for being negligent enough for that to happen.

She was my love.  My best friend.  She'd been with me through the hardest times of my life.... and this is how I repay her?  To be run over in the middle of street, while let's be honest, she was probably looking for me.  She couldn't understand why it was night time, and cold, and she was outside.  When usually she'd be wrapped up in a blanket at my side. 

It doesn't seem real.  I keep snapping my head forward with the realization that it was all a bad dream,,,,, then I realize it wasn't, and I face that horrible horrible pain anew.  Like it's the first time.

I let her down is what I did.  It was my job to keep her safe and I didn't.  I have so much regret... if I could just turn back the clock and do things differently.  My heart will never be whole again. 

It's very difficult for people to understand what I'm going through.  They all think it was "just a dog".... but of course, it wasn't.  She was my best friend.  My constant.  My very loyal companion.  I feel like I've lost a child.  I hope that this stops hurting so very much.  Right now the pain is intolerable.  I want to go door to door and find out who did this,,,,, but my husband stops me every time.  Says that it won't bring her back.  But, I want to know!  I need to know. 

I guess it won't change the cold and simple fact that she's gone.  Far too early.  Before her time.  I love you, Paisley Girl, always and forever.  And I'm so so so sorry........
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Angela...  I'm so sorry for the loss of your Paisley Girl...such a sad story.  No matter how or when they leave us, we focus on the what if/ why/guilt/and sadness.  Our babies would prefer we remember all the good days/years, and we do, but guilt is such a normal part of grieving.  People on the forum all have experienced this loss, whether by accident, disease, or however the pet we were so much entwined with leaves us.  There is that special pet, and they take care of us.  We just think we are taking care of them.  When you can, post pictures of your beautiful Yorkie, tell us all about her life and the times together.  Write to her, Release balloons, talk to her, cry, scream, do whatever you can that YOU have to.  Never listen to anyone tell you "just a dog" or anything like that.  When we are that close to a furbaby, no matter how long or short the time may be, they become a part of us...the best part.  Unlike humans, they never judge, they just love us.  Losing a furbaby can be more devastating than losing a human.  I know..I have been there.  Seven months ago my beautiful Lhasa Apso Dali (12 1/2) died very suddenly a day after a vet visit where I was told she would be fine.  I blamed myself for not being there when she left, for not knowing how sick she was.  You thought your baby was taken care of, and she should have been.  It was not your fault.  Paisley Girl knows you love her and she will always be with you.  Look for signs, she will let you know she is okay.  This life after they leave is very hard and never the same.  I still cry every day...not as often, but when triggers hit me I break down.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and Paisley Girl.  Just know you aren't alone.  Hugs to you and Paisley from me and Dali

Dali, as much a daughter as any human...  pure love
Until we meet again

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Thank you, Dalidog, for your beautiful response.  And I apologize for such a delayed response.  I've been in a pretty down and dark place the past week and just now felt up to getting on the computer. 

I'm so sorry to hear about your beautiful girl, Dali.  I know that you know exactly how I'm feeling.

Paisley lunch.jpg 

Here is a photo of Paisley and I having lunch a couple of years back.  I'll admit that I broke down when looking at this picture just now.  Anyway, she had most of her teeth removed when she was about 4, so her tongue always hung out like this.  She was so protective and loyal to me.  She ALWAYS sat by my side and if anybody got too close or moved toward me too quickly she let them know that she was in charge.  I work from home most of the time, so we were together 24/7.  I sure do miss my best friend.

It's been about 11 days now.... and I'm still grieving from the pit of my soul.  My husband is worried about me and asks me at least 40 times a day if I need anything, i.e. chocolate, tea, a back rub.  He doesn't know how to make this better, and he's a fixer.  I agreed to see a counselor and have my first appointment the day after tomorrow.  Maybe talking with her will help me sort through all of this.  When my father died suddenly I refused to see a grief counselor anytime it was suggested, because I said unless it brought him back to life then there really isn't anything they can say that would make it any better.  I do feel like that this time as well. But, I guess it can't hurt.

I've started a new journal and I've been writing her letters.  I suppose that should be making me feel better... but I end up sobbing during the process, and then I can't stop for hours.  Sometimes I don't know what I should be doing with myself to help heal, because the things that I'm choosing only seem to flood the memories in and that upsets me.

Well, thanks again for your kind words of support.  I pray that this depression passes eventually. 
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Angela, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your absolutely cute little Paisley, such a horrible way for her to go, I hope your fond memories of your beautiful girl will help ease your pain over time. Your story reminds me of our 3 lb. Chihuahua, Bella, she too was hit by a car, we were so lucky, after 3 days in the hospital she survived. Bella's tongue also hangs out, she suffered a stroke, (first of many) a couple of years ago and after that her tongue stayed out, so the vet pulled her teeth so she wouldn't bite it. I think the tongue only makes Paisley that much more adorable, what a sweet face she has.
I am so sorry for your loss, I know how hard it is to lose such a close, tiny, long time companion, my heart aches for you and your family.You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Sincerely, Don & Vera
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Paisley is beautiful. And she reminds of my own little Yorkie, whom I also lost when I was away on a short weekend. But that's a story for another time.
You are not in any way responsible for what happened to your baby. You loved her for so long, and the arrangements that you made for her during your absence were reasonable, clear and sound. The mistakes that were made in caring for her were innocent , although their results were tragic.

I can feel your pain and confusion, and I am so very sorry for your loss. I have no idea how to soften the searing despair that Paisley's passing has caused. But I do know that Paisley's energy is still with you. It is in the universe, and it is there with you. Her little body is gone, but your best friend is right there with you and she always will be. She's watching you, and she's still protecting you. Trust me. She is not gone. Everything that made Paisley the girl that she was is still part of your life - just not in the form that you're used to. She still loves you, and you love her even more now. No. You did not fail sweet Paisley. While her physical absence hurts so dearly, please try to find solace in the fact that her energy lives on.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please keep in touch. Thinking if you---your post really touched me.
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