Gigster

It's been 4 months since I lost my little baby Fizzgig. It's gotten easier since the first month, but occasionally still I find myself crying over the spot on the bed where she died. 

Just last night while I was trying to sleep, it felt like she was licking my face like she use to. It comforted me enough to get me to sleep, but upon waking up I found myself evermore sad that she wasn't really there. 

It's been a while since I cried about her death. But on nights like this where I find myself weary and alone, I can't help but miss and cry for my companion who would nest in piles of clothes and snore so loud I COULDN'T feel lonely.

 

I play her death over and over in my head. I had good closure, but it was so sudden and painful. It still almost feels like it didn't happen. I still hear her voice, her footsteps. I still look for her to be by my side. Often times I'll see her in my dreams. Those are the best ones because they mean I get to visit her. Sometimes I don't want to wake up at all. I just want to stay asleep and be with my girl.

I get so scared that I'll forget so many of the wonderful memories we had. Her being my childhood dog, how many memories would fade away?  She went away as my adult life was starting, I can't even imagine her memory not being there.

I wasn't really religious until she died. I just really wanted to believe that she's somewhere where she's happy, so I choose to believe that she's in heaven with her boyfriend. I choose to believe that I can still tell her about my day and tell her I love her. That sometimes when I get in the car, she'll hop in too. However, there's this part of me that just screams, 'It's not the same.'  And immediately this wave of cold loneliness hits me. 

 

I'm sorry this is so long, but the thoughts in my head hurricane so much it's hard to shorten them. I use to say my feelings out loud on long tangents like this to Fizzgig. She would listen with an open ear not comprehending a word I said but listening all the same. I really miss her. My heart feels so heavy and my head hurts so much.

Sometimes the pain isn't noticeable, but it's still there. I don't know when it will subside, as of right now though, it still hurts.

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Memories_of_Marmalade

Dear Gigster,

Please know that you're not alone. We can all relate to your feelings. By your words it is obvious you are a kind, loving, caring, compassionate, empathic & sensitive person. 

You wrote:

"Just last night while I was trying to sleep, it felt like she was licking my face like she use to. It comforted me enough to get me to sleep."

 "I still hear her voice, her footsteps. I still look for her to be by my side. Often times I'll see her in my dreams. Those are the best ones because they mean I get to visit her."

Yes, from what I have researched, going on the past 10 weeks, these are all "signs" from your beloved "Fizzgig." I've probably read over 1,000 grief posts over the last couple of months, and what I have noticed is many people experience these same signs. What is very interesting is, when it comes to people seeing people they have lost in their dreams, this does occur, but they do not seem to experience the same signs with "pet signs", as they do with "people signs." The physical contact (as you felt recently), or the footsteps, collar's jingling, the sounds of their pet (barking or meowing) etc. 

It seems people mostly see the people that they have lost, primarily in their dreams. Not the way they still "feel the presence of their pet" in their homes. Very unique and there is something to it. It isn't like they hear their lost human speaking to them at night with one word. Yes, there are ghosts or people, but it appears to be different.

I find this very comforting. I have heard my cat almost nightly the past several weeks ( a single meow or a trill) and felt him walking on where we used to sleep. : )  

Kind regards,
James



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CK1991
I’m so sorry you lost Fizzgig. It can take a long time to process those feelings of loss and grief so don’t feel you should be over it. It’s alright for you to still cry for her. In fact it’s healthy. It’s sad that she went away as your adult life was starting. It seems like maybe she stayed with you as long as she could and now she knows you will be okay. I lost 2 little dogs and I still think of them all the time. It helps to come here and I don’t feel so alone in still grieving my fur babies. My belief is that I will see them again and you will see Fizzgig. It may be a long time but in the meantime they will visit us. Invite her to join you in your car. You won’t be able to see her of course but she’s not far from you. It was interesting that James wrote about feeling his cat walking where they used to sleep. I believe it was her. I know it will never be as good as actually having them here but such is life unfortunately and we have to find comfort knowing they have not really gone away. They’ll always be with us.
Hugs to you!
CK
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Gigster
Thank you both for your kind words. It's especially comforting to me to know that I'm not alone in mourning. And I think it gives me faith that we all will see our babies again, and that they haven't really left us.
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pannklaus
I am very sorry about the loss of your beloved Fizzgig.  I understand the process of thinking that you are improving and the grief isn't as intense. Then after some period of time it hits you all over again.  I have gone through the same thing with my sweet baby Lenny cat.  There are all kinds of triggers which bring it all back again.  
 
I don't think you will lose your memories of Fizzgig.  I am in my supposed "golden years" of life but I still can remember my childhood pets and all  kinds of details about them.  Once they have found a place in our hearts they are always there no matter how many other fur babies we later have who enrich our lives.

I believe that Fizzgig and Lenny are both at the Rainbow Bridge and we will  see them again. Please continue to write your thoughts to us as you did to Fizzgig.  There are lots of understanding people here.  Anyone who doesn't want to read a long post doesn't have to read it.   Others of us like to hear the depth of feelings  we have about our precious fur babies and the things we would be saying to them if they were still here.
Patsy
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