It's been 4 months since I lost my little baby Fizzgig. It's gotten easier since the first month, but occasionally still I find myself crying over the spot on the bed where she died.
Just last night while I was trying to sleep, it felt like she was licking my face like she use to. It comforted me enough to get me to sleep, but upon waking up I found myself evermore sad that she wasn't really there.
It's been a while since I cried about her death. But on nights like this where I find myself weary and alone, I can't help but miss and cry for my companion who would nest in piles of clothes and snore so loud I COULDN'T feel lonely.
I play her death over and over in my head. I had good closure, but it was so sudden and painful. It still almost feels like it didn't happen. I still hear her voice, her footsteps. I still look for her to be by my side. Often times I'll see her in my dreams. Those are the best ones because they mean I get to visit her. Sometimes I don't want to wake up at all. I just want to stay asleep and be with my girl.
I get so scared that I'll forget so many of the wonderful memories we had. Her being my childhood dog, how many memories would fade away? She went away as my adult life was starting, I can't even imagine her memory not being there.
I wasn't really religious until she died. I just really wanted to believe that she's somewhere where she's happy, so I choose to believe that she's in heaven with her boyfriend. I choose to believe that I can still tell her about my day and tell her I love her. That sometimes when I get in the car, she'll hop in too. However, there's this part of me that just screams, 'It's not the same.' And immediately this wave of cold loneliness hits me.
I'm sorry this is so long, but the thoughts in my head hurricane so much it's hard to shorten them. I use to say my feelings out loud on long tangents like this to Fizzgig. She would listen with an open ear not comprehending a word I said but listening all the same. I really miss her. My heart feels so heavy and my head hurts so much.
Sometimes the pain isn't noticeable, but it's still there. I don't know when it will subside, as of right now though, it still hurts.