always_tuffy

Monday, August 16 will be 1 month w/o my best friend, companion and confidant.

I KNOW letting go is not giving up.  I KNOW the sadness abates.  I KNOW grief has its own time line. I KNOW to stay away from the "If I had only".  I KNOW that guilt is no good.  I KNOW I will always have this tremendous hole in my heart.

But it is the loneliness that holds on, morning, noon and nite.  How I crave to hold him close and kiss him.

I can still feel exactly how it felt to kiss his muzzle.  How soft, how warm. 
At night I long for the feel of him against my back, behind my legs or when I'd awake and he would have his head on my pillow, sleeping a sweet sleep.

The mornings I would wake with this heaviness on my chest.  He would have his front paws on me, staring -- nose to nose, eye to eye.  I'd said "Do you need to go do the potties?"  Oh my, how he would dance and jump and spin and out we'd go.

I see his beautiful brown eyes, during his last days.  I slept by him that week.  No matter the mess he made.  He couldn't help it.

I'd say "Tuf Tuf, little man, I'll not give up on you!  Don't give up on me.

I had no way of knowing they were his last days.  The vet just kept saying, you're doing good, he'll be OK.  But he wasn't.

Did Tuffy know?  Were the looks he would give me, when at 2, 3, 4, 5 in the AM I'd carry him out to potty, were they trying to say, Mommy, help me?

I see those images over and over and over.  They don't end.

Thanks for listening friends.  It helps, I guess.  But the loneliness never ends does it?  Just to hold him one more time.  Most days I just want to lay next to his resting place and be with him again somehow.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal;
Love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Tuffy, My Puppy Love
June 20, 2005-July 26, 2010

Becky Leigh, Queen of my Heart
December 2010-November 10, 2015
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nicokudo
Tuffy's mom,

I have always found it amazing that we can feel so alone after we lose someone precious in our lives.  The first few months are so awful, but it does eventually get better.  The loneliness will go away, but it does take longer than a month...at least for me. I felt better at say 6 months and almost normal at about a year.  I know that sounds like an eternity. I hope that it doesn't take as long for you.  Grieving is an individual journey.  Each loss seems to be different.

Thinking of you.

Karen




Karen,Kudo and Nico's mom
Earth mom to Marco and Bella
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judylinn
tuffysmom...your words are exactly what I feel. I am soooo alone without maddie, and the ache to hold her and cuddle and kiss, is so painful. I miss her snoring so much!. I always found that comforting, to know she was having a really good sleep, and happy.
I went out for a bit tonight, and the ache of coming home to no maddie, feels beyond words. I hurt so much for her.
I feel your pain, and am with you in it.
sending you hugs and prayers. Judy
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donnalee
Yep, I know exactly what you mean.  It's like you know all this in your head, with your mind, but your heart just misses them so, so much.  I'm glad you got to spend quality time with him those last days.  As you well know from reading the posts by others, many don't have that.  It is just so difficult to lose our best friend and companion. 

As I approach week 17, I'm doing so much better than I was at week 2 or 4 or 8 but I still think of him many, many times a day.  This past week I've been missing the comfort of our relationship.  He wasn't moody, I didn't have to try to figure out what he was thinking, our relationship wasn't complicated in any way.  It was just pure, simple love and it brought me so much happiness.

I know it is so hard for all of us to wait until we can be with them again but that day will come someday.  I certainly wish you some peace and comfort.
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tikibarb
I find the night the hardest.  Ted was such a snuggler at night that I find I can't sleep because it just doesn't feel right.  I sometimes use a pillow and squish it up in my arms or stick it behind my back.  The loneliness is deafening.
Barbara Lyngarkos
My Beloved Ted 8/7/2005 - 7/7/10
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/TED001/Resident.htm
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Tobysmum
Yes that lonliness grips me too, the house just doesnt feel 'right' without Toby, there is something missing then it hits me that its always going to be like this from now on in, and even worse i now look at my other two boys and know what it is i will have to go through with them one day.
The hardest part of pet ownership isnt it, but it helps to remember that the pleasure, joy, love, companionship, protection, affection and devotion you had with Tuffy will always always outweigh this pain you are going through right now. In that respect it is an honour we have these pets that share their lives with us.
You are in my thoughts

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Mia870

I agree, the loneliness and silence is deafening in a way. It's like crossing a road and feeling like you are stuck and you can't go back. It's only been three months for me but I am getting used to the new "yuck" feeling that Mia isn't here anymore. I come home from work and when I put my key in the lock I feel sick because I can't hear her paws on the wood floor scrambing to greet me. It must be the price we pay for all the years of devoted love we get from them ....  

Mia Jessie aged: 11 years. Always our puppy girl xxxxxx
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Boogie
It's almost 5 months for me. Five long, blurry months. I miss my Boogie beyond words. It is incomprehensible that she is not here with me. I know she is not in any pain anymore, and that is a comfort. But it doesn't diminish my missing her. I write to her in the special diary I started a few days after she died, every day. And I have her "sister" for company (though I am terrified of when I have to go through this with her when her time comes). 

Someone in this thread wrote the words "uncomplicated love". To have experienced such deep, trusting, pure love is a blessing. And I'm very grateful that I had the chance. But it's hard when that love is all too soon taken away. The emptiness, the void that is now where she used to be is still shocking to me. I don't think I'll ever get used to her not being in my daily life.

I had her for almost 13 years. And now I think back and there were a good many years where I loved her deeply and was always attentive to her, but I think I took her presence for granted. Or, rather, now that she is gone, I can see that I took her presence for granted. 

This is hard. I know it's a process, the grief process...but it also feels like the process is one of disengaging from her. And I don't like that. I hate the thought of her becoming a fond and distant memory. To go from us being so close to that is unacceptable to me. I know it sounds irrational, but I also know that you guys know what I mean. 




My Boogie died on 3/25/2010. She was the best dog anybody could ask for. I will be with her again when my time comes.



A drawing of Pax by Heather Spears. She specializes in bereavement and is wonderful to work with, she understands how we feel. She can be reached at spears.heather@gmail.com
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judylinn

thats exactly what my fear is..that at some point I will disengage from maddie. I dont want that to happen. Maddie brought about alot of emotional healing for me.  She was my very first dog, and I have never lost anyone ive loved, because Ive never been able to love deeply due to traumatic childhood. A friend told me, that eventually the pain will ease, and the good things and the love will remain.

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always_tuffy
Thank you both.  Each of you have put in words, things I felt but didn't know how to say.  I draw comfort and courage from you all.  If I couldn't draw from this well of wisdom, I would just give up.

Monday will be 4 weeks, 1 month without Tuf.   We were never separated 4 days much less 4 weeks!  How is this possible? That I've survived this long is a tribute to everyone's help.  Believe me, there have been times that if you guys hadn't carried me I would not have made it.  You've given me courage to face so much pain.

So I hope what I say will help you too.  The "fear monster", and his tricky trolls --"how will I", "how can I" are on a mission.  They want to stop you dead in your tracks, scare you into stopping your progress.  The secret to getting past them is to close your eyes and repeat 3 times "go away --it's not time to deal with that pain yet."  When you open your eyes POOF! they are gone.  (I find that a little humor helps).
 
Stay in the present, live today. It is a waste of energy to live in the past as well as to worry and imagine what tomorrow holds. You just end up missing the lesson you needed today.

I don't think it is time for you to deal with this credible fear.  Don't rush, you'll know when the time is right.

Love you all
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal;
Love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Tuffy, My Puppy Love
June 20, 2005-July 26, 2010

Becky Leigh, Queen of my Heart
December 2010-November 10, 2015
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