Monday, August 16 will be 1 month w/o my best friend, companion and confidant.The mornings I would wake with this heaviness on my chest. He would have his front paws on me, staring -- nose to nose, eye to eye. I'd said "Do you need to go do the potties?" Oh my, how he would dance and jump and spin and out we'd go.
I KNOW letting go is not giving up. I KNOW the sadness abates. I KNOW grief has its own time line. I KNOW to stay away from the "If I had only". I KNOW that guilt is no good. I KNOW I will always have this tremendous hole in my heart.
But it is the loneliness that holds on, morning, noon and nite. How I crave to hold him close and kiss him.
I can still feel exactly how it felt to kiss his muzzle. How soft, how warm.
At night I long for the feel of him against my back, behind my legs or when I'd awake and he would have his head on my pillow, sleeping a sweet sleep.
I see his beautiful brown eyes, during his last days. I slept by him that week. No matter the mess he made. He couldn't help it.
I'd say "Tuf Tuf, little man, I'll not give up on you! Don't give up on me.
I had no way of knowing they were his last days. The vet just kept saying, you're doing good, he'll be OK. But he wasn't.
Did Tuffy know? Were the looks he would give me, when at 2, 3, 4, 5 in the AM I'd carry him out to potty, were they trying to say, Mommy, help me?
I see those images over and over and over. They don't end.
Thanks for listening friends. It helps, I guess. But the loneliness never ends does it? Just to hold him one more time. Most days I just want to lay next to his resting place and be with him again somehow.
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal;
Love leaves a memory no one can steal.
Tuffy, My Puppy Love
June 20, 2005-July 26, 2010
Becky Leigh, Queen of my Heart
December 2010-November 10, 2015