rhall17
We lost my baby girl Autumn on Tuesday night. Her tummy was bloated for about 2 weeks, but she had sprained her leg 2 weeks prior and thought it was a reaction to the medicine. I took her to the emergency vet Tuesday afternoon and they performed an ultrasound. After about 3 hours, I got called to the room and the vet had a vile full of blood from her stomach. She was bleeding internally. She had tumors and masses all throughout her body and organs. They said they could remover everything but her liver and buy her a month or two, or we could do nothing and she would eventually bleed out in a few days. As much as it killed me inside my family and I chose to end her suffering that night. I held her head as she took her final breathes and held onto her for about an hour before I knew I eventually had to leave. I haven't slept or ate for the last 3 days. 

Everything feels different. The house is a completely different house, my car is a different car, my backyard is a different backyard. I get up at 4 am everyday for work and am the first to see her in the morning and the first one at my house before everyone else is off from work. That was our special time. For the last 8 years since we adopted her going on walks, playing fetch, and taking her camping were our special times and I am having a really difficult time just walking into the kitchen and not having her by my side. I got to say goodbye, but it felt so rushed and is just a blur right now. 

We adopted her right before I graduated high school. I got depression once I graduated as I couldn't afford to go to college and had no fallback plans. I lost a lot of weight and had some very bad thoughts. Having her around gave me the strength to overcome the depression and gave me better self confidence after beating my depression. I had difficulties making friends, so having her around all the time instantly made her my best friend. Even as I grew up and gained that confidence and made friends, she was still my number one. My Autumn dog is no longer here and I feel totally lost. Nothing is normal and all I want is one last kiss from her and to give her one more hug
Ryan Hall
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jerigraehl
Ryan, I am so sorry about your beloved Autumn. I lost my Tonkinese cat Khaomanee On Sunday 07-21-19. I too feel totally devestated and can't eat. I am on my 5th day and can barely function. And I have a history of depression too. This loss has triggered it. I really understand how you are feeling. Every where I look I see him. My bed is empty. I am empty. My heart is shattered in a million pieces. I was not ready to lose him. I question my choice to euthanize. But I did not want him to continue to suffer. I should have seen him going down hill sooner and gotten him helpn sooner. But then I realize he was getting old and no matter what diseases are harder to treat with an older animal.  I wish I could do or say something to mitigate your pain and suffering. You clearly gave her a loving home. She felt your love. She loved you. She felt content and loved in her 8 years with you. Many great deserving animals never get that.  I am going thru my grief alone. I had to go thru the last few minutes of his life with him alone. I am glad you have family to help you through this.  Even with that I am sure you are traumatized though. All I want too is for him to come back and for everything to be normal again. This is the price for the love we give them - the grief when we lose them. Autumn is not suffering anymore.  Many people here say they wish they had not prolonged the suffering. I am feeling like I wish I had handled things differently and given him more time to recover. But many here say they opted for that choice and only prolonged suffering and as a result witnessed a horrific death. You stopped her suffering. You did the last loving thing you could do. Energy never dies - it just changes form. I pray that somewhere they are waiting for us and we will see them again. I am going on the mon night candle light vigil on this site. I hope to see you there. Watch the time. I missed it last week due to Calif time being an hour later. They said go on early to see the chat. Lighting candles for Autumn may help you honor her life and help the mourning and grief process - I hope. I am so sorry for your loss. You are with people on here who truely understand. Jeri
jerigraehl
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rhall17
Jeri, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your cat. I know you would do anything to have him back, like I would with Autumn. As you mentioned, the older the animal, the more difficult it is to treat any disease. I would like to say thank you as you made me realize something that I did not see. Not having Autumn suffer anymore was the last loving thing I was able to do for her and show her how much she meant. That really made me smile which I haven't done these past few days. I know Autumn and Khaomanee are on the other side of that Rainbow Bridge just waiting for the day when we can hug them again. You did the right thing to not have him suffer. It would be that much more traumatic if you came home one day and saw something tragic. I hope you find peace knowing he loved every second with you and you gave him the best home full of love and joy. It isn't a goodbye, it's just see you later. We wouldn't have lost our beloved pets so soon if they didn't think we were strong enough to carry on their memory. Thank you for the reply. I really needed that-Ryan
Ryan Hall
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Memories_of_Marmalade

Dear Ryan,

You wrote:

"Everything feels different. The house is a completely different house, my car is a different car, my backyard is a different backyard." 

That is very well written. I think most of us here can relate. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Everything in my life feels so "different" too. And it is different in a way I do not like or want in my life.

"We adopted her right before I graduated high school. I got depression once I graduated as I couldn't afford to go to college and had no fallback plans. I lost a lot of weight and had some very bad thoughts. Having her around gave me the strength to overcome the depression and gave me better self confidence after beating my depression. I had difficulties making friends, so having her around all the time instantly made her my best friend. Even as I grew up and gained that confidence and made friends, she was still my number one. "

My "Marmalade" (an orange & white Tabby cat) was my best friend too. But I am an elderly man of 57 years. He was my son, my brother, my comrade in arms, my only remaining family, my light and my life. He helped me to survive countless times. I have severe depression. I am so grateful that my path crossed with Marmalade's and visa-versa. It is extraordinary to me to fully realize how our beloved pet's can make such positive, dramatic and everlasting impacts on our lives. What enduring testaments to their lives.

Kind regards & my sincerest condolences,
James
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Padric
Hi Ryan,

  My deepest sympathies for your loss. I speak from first hand experience when I say the people on here are the most kind, caring and understanding people you'll ever come across. I was in your shoes not long ago, just back on July 10th in fact. That was the day that we had to, like you, make what felt like the rushed decision to put our sweet Tinkerbell to sleep. In fact, I'm still grieving over her and part of me always will grieve her.

Everyone's grief is different and I am by no means going to tell you or anyone else how to go about doing it. I do, however, think I can offer some thoughts that might help.

First and foremost, know that what you did was the greatest act of love you could have done for Autumn. Whether you realized it at the time or not, what you said to her was "Autumn, I know you're in a lot of pain. You have given me unconditional love for the last 8 years. Now, I need to show you how much I love you. I love you so much that I am going to take your pain away from you and carry it with me for as long as I live so that you don't ever hurt again".

I know what you mean when you say everything feels different. I wrote about that too when I was expressing how I felt about Tink. And if there is one thing I have learned through all of the grieving I've done it's this:

It's OK for everything to feel different, because it is different. And it's OK for that to hurt. It's OK to be angry that its different, it's OK to cry, to sometimes want to sit and stare at something of hers for hours and sometimes to not want to be near anything of hers. All of that is OK because its your grief and just like your relationship with her was different than her relationship with somebody else, so too is your grief.

That said, I do hope you're eating and sleeping now because, if I may be so bold, that's not OK. I can't imagine your Autumn would ever want you to go through that because of her anymore than you would have wanted to see her going through those things. 
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