Pecan_mom

Hi everyone,
It’s a beautiful day here in Vancouver and I know pecan would have loved to hangout outside and go for a nice walk.  Oh god I miss her!  She had the most innocent eyes and she was so loyal.  It’s been 22 days without her.  I have aged, have lost weight, can’t sleep and more.  Since her death was sudden, I keep searching for an answer.  I have talked to the vet at the emergency, talked to my friends vet and searched online for days and hours to find an answer.  I feel guilty for her death, she was only 9 and no health issues.  Her ears were sensitive but we were on top of it and she was ok.  Every day I think I have found the answer.  One day I think she for sure an a stroke and we could have done this and that to prevent it, the next day I think heart attack, the next day I think maybe it was because she was due for couple other vaccines (I was going to take her once things come down a bit) then I think maybe she had cancer.  I keep blaming myself.  I was starting to feel better thanks to my friends and family’s support.  They all knew how much I loved her and what a great life she had but today I came up with so many other things that I might have missed and I think maybe I could have prevented it.  I feel sick to my stomach and can’t get out of bed. Does anyone else feel this way?  So many dogs live for 15-19 years why my dog had to go so early? Why now? When I needed her the most.  I have two daughters that need their strong and responsible mom back and a husband who needs me but why can’t I get better?  I workout everyday, I meditate I have talked to a therapist... I don’t know what to do... 

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Bigcatsdad
I'm so sorry for your loss of Pecan,
Sometimes pets have sudden health issues that they don't display. It's not your fault that she passed away suddenly and you didn't see any signs, sometimes these things happen and you have no control over this. When we have to say goodbye to our little furry ones it's truly devastating. We don't realize how close they become attached to our hearts and what an integral part of our lives they become until they are gone. Then it's truly heart breaking. It's been almost ten weeks since I had to say goodbye to my big black cat Albert. We made the decision to end his pain. I don't cry as much now as the first few weeks but I still do once in awhile and I miss him so much every day. It will slowly get a little better as the weeks go by but our little ones take a piece of our broken hearts when they leave that we don't get back until we meet them again one day when our life's journey comes to an end.
This forum is really good, there are so many here that are going through and that have gone through the same painful experience and they all understand what you are going through. It has really helped me and I hope it can help you too.
My deepest sympathies.
-Jeff
Bigcatsdad
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Pecan_mom
@Bigcatsdad

Thank you for your kind words.  It means a lot.  I am so sorry about your loss.  You are right our pets are big part of the family.  Pecan and I loved each other  very much and  were together 24/7.  I remember her following me  around all day every day.  I never left the house without kissing her  and telling her how much I loved her.  I remember talking to her a few days before she passed away and I told her that I could not live without her but she left me a few days after that.  When we woke up on March 19th she was happy and healthy I had no idea that our lives would change forever a few hours later.  Thank you again and stay healthy. 
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Molly4always

I am so sorry you’re still struggling so.  After I lost my cat to cancer so quickly, I searched for hours and days online for answers. How could she be so sick and not show it?  And I felt it was all my fault. She was only 11 years old; she was supposed to live longer. Such grief I had never known and the first month was really rough so I’m not surprised you’re still struggling.  I think when you lose them suddenly it’s especially hard.  

I think what you’re feeling is normal.  You need to keep doing what you’re doing including seeing the therapist.  Grieving a loss takes time so don’t be so hard on yourself.  I can tell you from experience that it gets better but it takes time.  Keep sharing with us and we’ll get through this together.

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Pecan_mom
@Molly4always

Thank you for your support.  I truly appreciate it.
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Bigcatsdad
Albert was healthy his whole life other than a few dental issues about four to five years ago. I was amazed how fast this happened to him. He went from being normal to a week of hardly eating, drinking, vomiting, loosing weight and just acting out of normal and he was in pain. When we took him to the vet they found an inoperable mass in his abdomen. We made the painful decision to end his suffering. I was with him through it all and held him when he passed and long after. This was definitely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and left me heart broken. I can't imagine the pain of having one pass suddenly. The first week was the worst, I was a mess, the second week a little better but the guilt and regret was unbearable. For over three weeks I had a lump in my throat and knot in my stomach that just wouldn't go away. If I thought of Albert I would break down and cry no matter where I was, it made shopping an interesting experience. So many times I had to shut my office door and have a good cry then try and dry my eyes and compose myself and face my coworkers. The grief you feel is normal, its truly devastating loosing one so close. Don't feel bad about not feeling like doing anything and being depressed, that's all part of grieving and dealing with this pain and the tears, well they just keep coming, it helps to cry too. It helps to force yourself to get out and try and give your mind a break but I know coming home brings the sadness back again. It also helps to talk about this with people that understand your heart break. It very slowly gets a little better as time goes by, our hearts start to heal but they will never be the same.
Try and post your thoughts and feelings when you are able, it helps to relate to others your sadness. Just try and take it slow, day by day, week by week, it just all takes time.
-Jeff
Bigcatsdad
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Pecan_mom
@Bigcatsdad
Thank you for sharing  your story.  You are very kind.  For some reason I keep thinking her death could have been prevented and I must have missed something.  But she was eating well, drinking water, going for long walks, chasing the mail man (even a few hours before she passed away) so I thought she was healthy and I will take her for a vaccines and check up after the Covid-19 cases are under control.  She was always with us so I knew she wasn’t going to get to anything or go to places that could harm her.  I still can’t believe my best friend is gone and maybe if I did more it could have been prevented.  The pain has been unbearable but for some reason I feel worse since yesterday.  Maybe I need to stop googling and searching online for answers. 
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BoxerMomForever
Pecan_mom - I’m sorry, I truly understand.  We have the what if’s after they’re gone.  I know I did.  Searching for answers I’ve done too.  I keep thinking back a year ago when my Lily just didn’t seem herself.  I knew her better than my husband, I spent 24/7 with her. She had tummy issues, back and forth to vet, change food. Etc. I just knew something wasn’t right. Then in July we were there again, with various symptoms and my vet and us noticed the gradual weight loss.  It’s obvious on a big dog. They confirmed it was a liver mass.  somewhere else and surgery or biopsy not recommended. Most likely cancer.  This was brutal for us to hear. We promised her and us as long as she had a good quality of life.  Which she did until October, 3 months later we had to make that dreaded decision. She was not good and I could see it in her eyes. I would keep feeling bad, we had no idea what really was going on till the ultrasound was done.  It will get better, been six months and sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed and lack motivation since she left.  Hugs to you.

I am sorry for your losses everyone who has posted above.
Linda *Mom to two boxer angels* Lily {White Girl} 6/22/09 - 10/14/19  ** Ginger {Flashy Fawn Girl} 6/4/97 - 5/28/09
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Pecan_mom
@BoxerMomForever
Thank you for sharing your story and I’m sorry for your loss!  Its hard no matter how or when or why they leave us.  Part of me thinks maybe if I had taken her to the vet earlier or maybe even did more check ups  (more than usual) they would have noticed something but part of me thinks maybe then she had to go through surgeries, meds, back and forth to the vet and maybe live a bit longer but her quality of life wouldn’t have been the same.  Maybe god wanted her to live her life to the fullest until the very end.  Just maybe... but if we knew what was going on we could have been prepared?  I don’t know!  This was so shocking to all of us.  I could not believe she stopped breathing when she did.  When my daughters and I rushed her to the vet we never imagined we would come back without her!!! I couldn’t even say good bye to her because I could not see her like that.  She’s my special and perfect t girl.  I could I let her go so fast and with no notice.  I love you baby girl you were my sole mate💖
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Mdmoore
Hi BoxerMomForever, I read your post and it made me think of my baby girl passing 2 weeks ago.  I think of her all the time, but what you said showed me how much I can relate to you.  As sad as it is, it helps to know I’m not alone.  I was shocked too when my 13 year old lab stopped eating and lay down and couldn’t get up.  It was so sudden, I took her on a walk the day before, we played ball and she ate.  Next morning she started having upset stomach and couldn’t get up.  I knew she had cancer but she acted ok before that day.  We rushed her to the Vet and I came out without her.  I couldn’t say goodbye because I couldn’t handle seeing her like that, it hurt too much. I will always love my baby girl and miss her every single day.  
M Moore
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BoxerMomForever
 Mdmoore.  I am so sorry for your loss.  This community has helped me tremendously.  Hugs to you. 
Linda *Mom to two boxer angels* Lily {White Girl} 6/22/09 - 10/14/19  ** Ginger {Flashy Fawn Girl} 6/4/97 - 5/28/09
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Pecan_mom
@Mdmoore I’m so sorry for your loss.  I can totally relate to your story and feel your pain.  I never ever imagined I would leave the emergency without Pecan when we rushed her in.  When we worke up that morning I never imagine this would be her last day on earth.  It was so sudden I didn’t get a chance to say good bye to my soulmate properly.  I couldn’t believe the dog who was lying there and not breathing was my precious Pecan that was full of love and joy for 9 year and up to 8 hours ago!  I miss her so much💖💔
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ArnieBoy

@Pecan_mom your story is so similar to mine! I lost my beautiful 9 yo Rottie Arnie this past Sunday. He was doing so well up to the day I took him to the ER - walks and playing with my kids. He stopped eating suddenly and then we noticed that he was in pain as he wee’d. We rushed him there and I thought for sure an infection or upset tummy. Due to COVID-19 I couldn’t take him in - they came out and collected him. I gave him a quick pat and cuddle but not the goodbye he deserved. Turned out he had a huge tumour on his spleen. We decided to operate and he was recovering so well.. but 24 hours later we got the call that he was passing and we needed to rush there. I was expecting it was the call that he was well enough to come home. Unfortunately not. Suffice to say it was the worst call of my life. My wife rushed to the ER - I stayed home with the kids until my parents were able to come and then rushed to the ER As well. They had resuscitated him once but he was mentally gone and just hanging in there. They let my wife in to see him and as she kissed him his heart stopped. He was gone. When I arrived he was gone but they let me see him - that was tough! He was my boy, my best friend! So loyal that he would wait by the gate every day for me to come home from work - rain, hail or shine! I’m truely heartbroken and I don’t think I’ll ever recover fully! Yesterday I had an amazing experience that I have posted in a thread titled ‘Let it be’. I was never a ‘believer’ but I am now. This was Arnies last gift to me. He is in a better place with no pain, and he is always looking down and protecting us - it was his reason for being! 

I’m so sorry for your loss! Thanks for sharing - it helps to know I’m not alone in these feelings! 

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Pecan_mom
@ArnieBoy
I’m so sorry for your loss!  Thank you so much for sharing your story.  I’m so sorry you had to go through this but it helps knowing that I’m not alone.  I kept thinking maybe I didn’t take good care of her and that’s why she left me so soon. I suspect Pecan could have the exact same issue.  They also said stroke or heart attack.  We didn’t get a chance to prepare and the vet didn’t get a chance to examine her to give us the exact reason. I’m praying for you and your family.  Sometimes when I’m running around I feel Pecan is running beside me. I feel her everywhere but I miss seeing her beautiful kind eyes and wish I could give her a hug.
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