Yaoyao
I lost my baby Monday night, the last few days are a blur. I can't really remember too much details towards his last moment. I feel like an empty shell, and I want to punish myself, physically. Most of the day, I just can't stop crying and then I would have moments that I feel literally nothing at all. No sadness, no guilt, no feelings whatsoever. It's like, this is not MY life, I don't know whose body I'm in, but this is not my life, that is not my cat that I just lost, it's someone else's problem, and none of this has anything to do with me. And then I would go back to crying. 

Is this normal??? I feel like I'm going crazy. 
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LilyOreosmom
I’m so sorry for your loss hugs and It is normal I know how you feel I’ll be crying and crying so hard then I stop suddenly and it’s just like I am completely numb and I think no he’s not gone he’s just playing outside he cannot be gone I think it’s a way we cope with it .
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BojiPat
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s still very early for you to try and get a handle on your feelings. Everyone grieves differently, so there is no real “normal.” The lack of feelings is likely a coping mechanism when the grief becomes overwhelming. Guilt is a common emotion, but one that isn’t warranted. There usually is very little most people could have done to prevent the loss. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I don’t say this lightly because I have been there, too. In time, you will begin to move past the sadness to a better place. Allow yourself to grieve and know better days are ahead.
Pat, Quinn’s mom 🌈
You may visit Quinn's memorial at:
https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/QUINN004/Resident.htm
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Yaoyao
I’m so sorry for your loss hugs and It is normal I know how you feel I’ll be crying and crying so hard then I stop suddenly and it’s just like I am completely numb and I think no he’s not gone he’s just playing outside he cannot be gone I think it’s a way we cope with it .


Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I feel exactly the same  way! I know he's gone, but I guess a big part of me is still denying it somehow that he will just show up. This is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I hope  you are slowly feeling better!
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Yaoyao
BojiPat wrote:
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s still very early for you to try and get a handle on your feelings. Everyone grieves differently, so there is no real “normal.” The lack of feelings is likely a coping mechanism when the grief becomes overwhelming. Guilt is a common emotion, but one that isn’t warranted. There usually is very little most people could have done to prevent the loss. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I don’t say this lightly because I have been there, too. In time, you will begin to move past the sadness to a better place. Allow yourself to grieve and know better days are ahead.


Hi Pat,

Thank you for your sweet and kind advice. I am so sorry for your loss too.

Sometimes I try to rationalize my feelings and I've realized that it's not helpful at all and only makes me confused. Those what if questions are constantly in the back of my head, even at the rare moments when I feel a little bit more OK. I have this shadow feelings that Albert is still here. I don't want to deny the fact that he's gone, I feel like that's disrespectful for him and devalue his life. And this struggle is consuming me. 

I will try to remember the sweet and beautiful moments we had with each other. Thank you again for your kind words. 

Best,

Yaoyao
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MLovesRuby
Hello Yaoyao and LilyOreosmum, and BojiPat.  I took my beautiful 16 year old pure beautiful black cat Ruby Tuesday to the vet on Thursday, May 28th, 2020 to see why she was not eating or drinking for 2 days.  She had a UTI in January of 2020 and with 2 days at the vet and medication at home, she got much better, back to her usual plump happy self.  So this time I was anticipating the same.....one or two nights at the vet with IV and meds.  I was called the next day at 2pm with the bad news that her pancreas and kidneys were full of cancer and had moved into her chest.  I couldn't breath.  After many questions while choking on tears, the vet said her prognosis was bad.  Maybe 3 - 4 days but will suffer because she's not eating. This happened so fast because for maybe a week before she stopped eating completely, she was doing okay.  I would mush her up and she would let me, no crying in pain, no inclination that it was uncomfortable for her.  She licked at her food and licked at her water, maybe a little less that usual, but not too worrisome (I stupidly thought looking back).  Although she wasn't following me around from room to room, her chirping at me was less and she slept more, I thought it was because she was getting older and sick of me because we were quarantined together...just the two of us.  She was sedation and the vet gave me two options.  To take her home, but she would suffer because not eating or drinking would make her suffering much worse, or let her go to sleep.  I couldn't breathe!!!!  She let me call her back in 20 minutes while I gathered myself and called my best friend.  She was scared for me but told me to do what would be best for her.  So balling my eyes out I called the vet and please let her die with dignity.  But because of the COVID I couldn't be there with her.  They wouldn't let me in to see her.  On Thursday when I took her to the vet, there was another couple in the foyer, arms wrapped around each other crying because their baby was being put to sleep and I felt sooo bad for them not knowing that that would be me the next day.  So none of us got to hold our babies and say goodbye.  I am GUTTED over that!!!  Did she cry for me?  Did she hate me for leaving her there all alone?  Was she scared?  Did I do the right thing?  At home I screamed and cried and lost it for it seemed like hours.  Then I sat like a zombie...numb....not my Ruby.  I felt nothing for hours.  Then I screamed I want my baby back!  Then nothing again.  Zombie.  She was just here yesterday.  Come out Ruby...time for treats.  This is not real...this is not me...Ruby's not gone.  I want to cuddle her one last time, I want to smell her belly fur one last time, I want to eat her toes and sing You Are My Sunshine one last time.  It is now 3am Sunday morning.  I slept 4 hours since I got the call on Friday at 2pm.  I haven't eaten a thing, my throat is almost closed.  I feel like I'm outside my body.  I want to remember everything about her all at once and I'm overwhelmed.  I feel like I'm going crazy like you also feel Yaoyao.  Will this end?
Michelle
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Yaoyao
MLovesRuby wrote:
Hello Yaoyao and LilyOreosmum, and BojiPat.  I took my beautiful 16 year old pure beautiful black cat Ruby Tuesday to the vet on Thursday, May 28th, 2020 to see why she was not eating or drinking for 2 days.  She had a UTI in January of 2020 and with 2 days at the vet and medication at home, she got much better, back to her usual plump happy self.  So this time I was anticipating the same.....one or two nights at the vet with IV and meds.  I was called the next day at 2pm with the bad news that her pancreas and kidneys were full of cancer and had moved into her chest.  I couldn't breath.  After many questions while choking on tears, the vet said her prognosis was bad.  Maybe 3 - 4 days but will suffer because she's not eating. This happened so fast because for maybe a week before she stopped eating completely, she was doing okay.  I would mush her up and she would let me, no crying in pain, no inclination that it was uncomfortable for her.  She licked at her food and licked at her water, maybe a little less that usual, but not too worrisome (I stupidly thought looking back).  Although she wasn't following me around from room to room, her chirping at me was less and she slept more, I thought it was because she was getting older and sick of me because we were quarantined together...just the two of us.  She was sedation and the vet gave me two options.  To take her home, but she would suffer because not eating or drinking would make her suffering much worse, or let her go to sleep.  I couldn't breathe!!!!  She let me call her back in 20 minutes while I gathered myself and called my best friend.  She was scared for me but told me to do what would be best for her.  So balling my eyes out I called the vet and please let her die with dignity.  But because of the COVID I couldn't be there with her.  They wouldn't let me in to see her.  On Thursday when I took her to the vet, there was another couple in the foyer, arms wrapped around each other crying because their baby was being put to sleep and I felt sooo bad for them not knowing that that would be me the next day.  So none of us got to hold our babies and say goodbye.  I am GUTTED over that!!!  Did she cry for me?  Did she hate me for leaving her there all alone?  Was she scared?  Did I do the right thing?  At home I screamed and cried and lost it for it seemed like hours.  Then I sat like a zombie...numb....not my Ruby.  I felt nothing for hours.  Then I screamed I want my baby back!  Then nothing again.  Zombie.  She was just here yesterday.  Come out Ruby...time for treats.  This is not real...this is not me...Ruby's not gone.  I want to cuddle her one last time, I want to smell her belly fur one last time, I want to eat her toes and sing You Are My Sunshine one last time.  It is now 3am Sunday morning.  I slept 4 hours since I got the call on Friday at 2pm.  I haven't eaten a thing, my throat is almost closed.  I feel like I'm outside my body.  I want to remember everything about her all at once and I'm overwhelmed.  I feel like I'm going crazy like you also feel Yaoyao.  Will this end?


Hi Michelle,

I'm so so so sorry for your loss and I'm so sorry that you didn't get to say goodbye to her. I understand and feel everything that you are feeling now. My Albert had a stroke, I woke up to him shaking and gagging for air, I rushed him to the ER and on the way there he almost seemed like he was fine, but they took him in and in less than 20 minutes the vet called, said his condition was really bad and it would be inhumane to put him through any treatment and he wouldn't be ale to regulate his body temperature, blood pressure if I took him home, and might suffer from another stroke. He was almost 21 years old, even though I knew he was old and he didn't have much time left, I was so devastated and couldn't believe what I heard. I also had to make my decision ASAP. Having to make such a sudden decision, having to do it on my own, is the hardest thing I have ever done. I know you had to do the same, and I know how painful that can be. All those questions you have, the anger, the doubt, the pain, you are going through so much now. And it seems like it will never end. I KNOW. But, remember this, you loved her, you did the nest for her, and made the right decision for her, because you wouldn't want her to suffer for a second longer than she had to. You were being strong for her. I know it feels the opposite now, but eventually you will be able to see that everything you did was the best for her. 

I couldn't' sleep, couldn't eat or do anything. I didn't showered for 5 days. Most of the time I was laying on the floor crying, and I can still feel his paws, his ears, I can smell his head, his breath, I still call out his name. The pain is killing me, but trust me, it does get better, even just for a tiny bit and just for a second. I left my apartment for the first time yesterday, and cooked for the first time yesterday. It was really difficult to do those things, and I couldn't stop crying while I was making dinner, because Albert was always by my side (I also live alone, it was just me and him). But at the same time, I know he would want me to eat something, to feel better. It's still very early for you, it takes time. Let yourself grief, cry as much as you want, all those feelings are part of grieving for a loved one. You're not alone. She might have left, but her spirit is still here with you. Your love for her and her love for you will always be with you. She is free, she is not in pain anymore. 

I wish you the best and I hope you can find some comfort here in this community.
Take care of yourself!

Yaoyao
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BojiPat

Michelle,

My hearts breaks for you. I had a similar situation with Quinn. What I expected to be a rather uneventful visit to the vet revealed he had a massive tumor. I had left him for evaluation, and got the news an hour later. My vet told me I could bring him home to spend a little more time with him over a Memorial Day weekend, but there was a chance his body would catastrophically fail, resulting in a painful death. I was not about to let that happen and elected to let him go as soon as I could notify my husband and get to the clinic.

I can understand your pain of not being able to say goodbye. We can’t know what our pets are thinking at such a time, but I firmly believe they have felt our love and take that with them as they transition. The shock and grief will eventually fade, but in the meantime, allow yourself to grieve. Please take care of yourself, though. I am concerned that you have not been eating. Remember that Ruby would want you to be happy and healthy.

You have my deepest sympathy.

Pat, Quinn’s mom 🌈
You may visit Quinn's memorial at:
https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/residents/QUINN004/Resident.htm
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MLovesRuby
Oh thank you thank you Yaoyao and Pat for your kind words. I'm so sorry you had to go through this...it is torture!!! I can't bring myself to go into the bedroom because that was the favorite room for me and Ruby. Every night at the same time I would say "time for cuddles" and off she went and I would follow her to the bed. We would both flop down and first thing was her massage. She would purr and purr and turn her little body to the next place she wanted my hands to rub her. Then pat on the bum, then count her toes. Then we'd lie face to face and our discussion would begin. How was your day? What was your favorite part of the day? Do you love your mummy? Mummy loves Ruby very much. She would answer every question with a chirp, every one with a different sound, just like a little furry person having a talk with her best friend. We had such a routine, and I found myself saying today "breakfast is ready". I started sobbing into the sink. Last evening I had the front door open a little to let in the fresh air and the birds were chirping. She has a bed in the window and I would always ask her "hear the birdies Ruby" and she would chirp back at them. I asked her last night "my baby do you hear the birdies" just waiting for the her chirping back and there was nothing. The routines are what's killing me right now.

That decision that we all had to make ASAP was one of the worst moments of my life. I sat on the couch watching the clock knowing that my baby was dying. I have never felt that kind of anguish before. I was broken. I still feel broken. I feel guilty to watch tv, or eat, or sleep because then I will be forgetting my Ruby. I know it sounds strange, I know in my brain that it doesn't work that way.....I am a logical person at 55 years of age. But right now that's just how my brain is thinking right now. Although I did manage to fall asleep on the couch this morning for a few hours. But the second I woke up, it was Ruby in my mind's eye, and I couldn't close my eyes again. I had to wake up and start thinking of her all over again. I never married or had children, Ruby was my partner, my best friend, my child. I had her since she was 3 months old. Coming to this forum, and reading all of the stories from you Yaoyao and you Pat and others, has lessened the torment that I feel. Knowing that there are other people out there that have loved their babies so deeply and have felt the loss as profoundly as I have has kept me from going mad with grief. I always tell my friends that I like animals more than people...but you people have such beautiful souls and I can't thank you enough - from the bottom of my broken heart - how much your words mean to me. Albert and Quinn and Ruby and all the other babies picked us as their mummies and daddies...how unbelievably lucky we all are. Love to you all...……….
Michelle
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Yaoyao
Michelle,

The routines you had with Ruby are so sweet, you took such good care of her and gave her all the love you could. She knew it, and she lived her life with your unconditional love. The routines are difficult, I still wake up at 4am everyday because that's Albert's breakfast time. I have half of his can food in the fridge and I don't want to throw it away. I still haven't cleared his litter box, his water mug and food bowls are still in the kitchen. I don't think I want to put them away for now. I think allowing yourself to grieve and to be sad is healthy, we don't have to be logical all the time. This is tough, we lost our life partners and we should give us sometime to deal with it. 

The guilt I have is still in my mind, but very rarely it will go away for a moment. I'm not a person that is very good at demonstrating affection, whether it's toward family, friends, or Albert. I love them, but I sometimes don't always know how to show it. Now, it's a big part of my guilt and my regret, why didn't I cuddle with him more? Why wasn't I sweeter? Albert's departure has made me think about my life, my choices, my decisions, and reevaluate so many of my perspectives. For that, I'm so grateful for him, but it doesn't help with the guilt. Like you, I'm also a very rational person in general, but this is completely different and my mind is just a wreck. I tried to force myself  to read on Stoicism, to debate with myself thinking that will help me feel better. But I've learned in the last short 5 days, you can't force things to happen, you have to let it take its own course. It hurts even more when you tried to push yourself out of it too soon or too much, I did that and yesterday and today were a completely disaster 🙁 So be sad, grieve as much as you need, don't blame yourself for not being logic, no one can when losing a loved one. And please don't feel bad for watching tv, eating, sleeping. You need that, Ruby left, but you are still here and she'd want you to continue your life, a healthy and happy life. Do whatever you need to feel better, the ups and downs are common and they will be here for a while. I made a little futon using my winter jackets on the floor in my living room right in front of the windows, so I can have direct sunlight and I can see people walking by. Because I really don't have the courage to be in the bedroom, and when I sit on the couch I get really uneasy. If there is anything you can do to make the days easier, do it. And if you are experiencing a dark moment and need to speak to someone, feel free to message me. Communicating  with people here has helped me so much. 

I hope you'll get some sleep tonight and tomorrow will be a little bit better.

Best,

Yaoyao
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MLovesRuby
Yaoyao you are a wise and wonderful person.  I am an introvert....dislike being around people.  I have a few very good friends and to be truthful, it's great.....it's all I need.  I truly believe that Ruby was an introvert too.  She only wanted loving when she wanted it, not when I wanted it.  She would get cross with me if I was too mushy with her and she would give me a swat when she was done with me.  She would be walking away from me and I would call her Ruby Ruby Ruby and she would swish her tail and sashay away "leave me alone mummy".  But look out when she was in a lovey mood.  Like at cuddle time.  So even though we were together all day, there were long periods when we were not together.  We were very comfortable in our daily lives.  I bet you that you and Albert had the same type of lives as Ruby and I, and your cuddles and loving with Albert was special.  He knew darn well how much you loved him.  Look at us....we both lost our babies just days ago.  You have helped me sooooo much, I just wish I could give you the same beautiful words that you have given to me.  I might just go into the kitchen and make some toast, but I dread turning on the light to see her empty dish and the spot where she would eat.  If you don't mind, could you tell me a little bit about yourself.  I'm 55 year old woman, pudgy, happy in my skin, and living in Saskatchewan Canada.  Animal lover, Rolling Stones fan, and Stephen King reader.  Please take care YaoYao…...you've helped me so much!! 
Michelle
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Yaoyao
BojiPat wrote:

Michelle,

My hearts breaks for you. I had a similar situation with Quinn. What I expected to be a rather uneventful visit to the vet revealed he had a massive tumor. I had left him for evaluation, and got the news an hour later. My vet told me I could bring him home to spend a little more time with him over a Memorial Day weekend, but there was a chance his body would catastrophically fail, resulting in a painful death. I was not about to let that happen and elected to let him go as soon as I could notify my husband and get to the clinic.

I can understand your pain of not being able to say goodbye. We can’t know what our pets are thinking at such a time, but I firmly believe they have felt our love and take that with them as they transition. The shock and grief will eventually fade, but in the meantime, allow yourself to grieve. Please take care of yourself, though. I am concerned that you have not been eating. Remember that Ruby would want you to be happy and healthy.

You have my deepest sympathy.



Hi Pat,

I'm so sorry to hear that about Quinn, nothing hurts more than that surprise call from a doctor about our loved ones when everything seems to be normal. You did the right thing to let him go. I know it's easier said than done, because that same decision has been haunting me since. Everyday I  can find new reasons to doubt whether or not I should have done it, deep inside I know it was right, but my mind won't allow me to accept it just yet. Thank you for sharing your experience with all of us, and your kindness have helped me a lot from the very beginning. 

Take care,

Yaoyao
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