dhart223 Show full post »
Ktmaier5
DHart,
I totally and completely get when you say you keep blaming yourself. I’ve run through the dates of my mind so many times… I should’ve taken her to the vet sooner.... etc. etc. I think most people who loved their animals like a true family member likely go through these feelings and questions . I am going to visit my vet, who she saw for 12 years. I think that could help me. He saw her one week before she passed and placed on on antibiotics and prednisone, did bloodwork and her protein was a tad low .... that was it! Said come back in 3 weeks and within one she was at the ER with me, and at deaths door. It all happened so fast and furious and the specialty internal Med veterinarian who I took her to told me that some animals come in with a swollen abdomen and that is it and they are gone within 24 . She said dogs with inflammatory bowel disease and pancreatitis are hard to treat and it’s painful. So for me? I keep also thinking, thank God it was fast and she didn’t hold on for months and months in agony. Just know that there’s another person out there who feels exactly the same as you. 💔
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Indi_love19
I thought of another recent conversation about guilt I had. I picked up Indi's ashes Monday. The owner was there, I immediately cried when I got there. She hugged me, we ended up talking for an hour. She lost one of her beloved pets in January and is grieving. She worked in some capacity before where she had to perform autopsies of people who had committed suicide, usually teens/young adults I believe. Once they'd determined the cause of death was, indeed, suicide, the parents immediately experienced a sense of unimaginable guilt. I hadn't thought of this before. So crushing they would be livid with the practitioners and certain--even demanding-- it was something else--because that might somehow feel less guilt provoking. I can't even imagine this scenario and doubt I would be able to go on.
I don't share to minimize my feelings of guilt over Indi or yours over Chloe at all. I do not have it figured out, I have to "stop" myself multiple times a day. Like children, our pets were our dependents. The loss of a pet is very much like a loss of a child.
I only hope that with the passage of time we can step back just a little more each day, to see the big picture. Right now, I think we are all focused on the trauma of the last days, last moments of their lives. It is so much to process. We will get to the point where we can remember their lives in their entirety I hope and see there were so many more good moments than not. I think about the time someone accidentally stepped on her paw, or I pulled her along forcefully on our walks, or when I was stingy with table food and treats (because she's a beagle and would eat it all if she could). Why do I focus on these random instances where she was hurt??! it is silly, yet here I am doing it anyway...
If one of my children died, I would undoubtedly recall the times I yelled, times I was hurtful with their feelings, times I lost my cool with them etc. But I would inevitably have to ask: Did I love them, did they know i loved them despite my mistakes? Did they feel loved? Of course.
meghan kenney
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dhart223
Kt--thank you for that.  I'm so sorry you are feeling the same pain and guilt I am, but it's nice to talk to people who understand.  You did the absolute best for your baby.  It's easy for me to see that in you, but harder for me to see that in myself.

Indi_Love:  Picking up your little one's ashes must have been SO hard.  I opted not to have them, but got paw prints of my Chloe.  I'm sorry you are in pain, but the point you make here is so important, as is perspective.  I am struggling with EXACTLY what you say.  I am remembering all of the times I didn't give her what she needed, even though there were so many more times I did.  Remembering the times I pushed her off the bed because she was crowding space or because my husband hated too much hair on the bed.  Remembering the times I gave my puppy more attention than her.  Wishing I had said goodbye to her every morning, goodnight to her every night, and wishing I had carved out more time to spend quality time with her.  It's just so, so hard.  But there were so many good times too.  Why do we do that to ourselves?
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Indi_love19
Yes, for whatever reasons our minds are doing this and it feels like self- torture but I'm sure there's a normal part of this and it's somehow serving a function at this stage. Maybe the thoughts in our head distract us from the pain in our hearts, which we can't experience 24/7 either because it hurts so much? I realize when I quell the guilt feelings, all I'm left with is the tremendous sadness and longing.

I had a practice a few months ago that I would do nightly for self-support. I'd review the things I did for the benefit of my family, including Indi and myself. As a single parent with a FT job, I was (still am!) left feeling spread thinly, inadequate, like I couldn't meet anyone's needs well. So, I started saying things like "today you got a little sunshine and fresh air. You fed yourself well. You made 3 nutritious meals for your kids. You handled yourself well with a co-worker. You earned a living. You're meeting everyone's needs for necessities. You took Indi out for a walk. You got your kids to school and back. You had alone, snuggle time with your kids tucking them in...." and so on. It turned out to be a reality check and helped me realize I was doing my best, and if a friend explained doing those things, I'd surely tell her what a great job she was doing. I am thankful to have that now to call on, when I want to sit here and fantasize that somehow I wasn't doing my best back then or could have done better. I remember the exhaustion every night, the eventual feeling of "yes, I did my best, I Have a lot on my plate, and I'm doing a good job with it." It feels like an anchor right now when my brain wants to take me elsewhere.
meghan kenney
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dhart223
Indi-yes to everything you said up there.  My husband keeps on telling me, "Dana, you are doing your absolute best paying attention to all the things in your life."  He also keeps on saying that it's human nature that once something is gone (whether it be a living being, a relationship, anything), we analyze all the ways we could have done better and that those thoughts in retrospect are hard to change in everyday life, while we're living it.  I am going to try to heed your advice in relation to what my husband has been saying and I sincerely hope for you to do the same.  I'm here for you too!
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Vicky101
You did do the right thing for chloe..as the vet said she was in a lot of pain and there was not anything that could be done to cure her..its so unfortunate that our cats and dogs cannot tell us what's wrong and they do seem to hide their pain.. her spirit will continue to live on and your open to that then you may receive sighs fro c hloe letting you know that she is ok
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