Casper2020
Hello everyone,

I have been reading through a lot of the messages here today and I want to thank you all for being here for each other and for being such a wonderful support. At the moment I feel crushed and empty. Don't know what to do as I am feeling such guilt and pain. We lost our Casper 3 months shy of his 14th birthday this past Friday. 

Casper came into our lives in May 2006. We had lost our cat Felix in March of that year and I had sworn that I never wanted to feel such pain again so a new cat was out of the question. Felix was barely two years old and was hit by a car and the pain we felt when we lost him was out of this world. Crushing. 

We were invited to this farm to meet my sister in laws horse the following May and of course the farm cat had delivered some cute little kittens on April 30th, 2006. I didn't feel a lot when I was introduced to the kittens and went about meeting this horse that we were there to meet. Suddenly and out of no where this white little thing appears. He was a lot bigger than the rest of the litter and trying to move about, hardly having opened his eyes. I lifted him up to hold him and he stuck his little claws into my T-Shirt. That was it. Casper as we would name him found us. The owner of the farm had planned to keep the little guy herself but could tell that we had a connection. She said that we could have two days to think about it. 2 hours later we called her and said that we wanted him. He spent a while on the farm and joined us in our home in July of 2006. I cannot believe that he has now left us. We are heartbroken and have been crying since Friday. Our little man has left the building. 

My husband and I never had children so of course he ended up being our "baby". We doted on him and loved him so very very much. My husband was never a huge cat person and used to say that he still wasn't but LOVED Casper, and Felix before him. There were so many cuddles and so much love over the years. In 2016 I got sick and had a few rough months before and after being diagnosed with a cerebral aneurysm and a brain tumor. Casper was there all along and loved to spoon. This basically meant that I had to lay on my side with him also on his side in front of me. I then had to make sure I held him and rubbed his belly. I loved to kiss his paws and feet, scratch the side of his belly and under his arms and paws. He loved it and would stretch out as far as he could. Casper and my husband were pals and Casper would lie on his own little chaise-long by my husbands feet. We had our own rituals and would always make sure Casper had the best of everything. We would travel and buy him things from abroad, like cat food in Mexico, the US, Australia, Thailand, Singapore and the UK. He was always on our mind. He was a very large kitty most probably a Maine Coon and Norwegian forrest cat mix and so beautiful. Very long, white and grey and had the biggest bushy tail you could imagine. Our friend used to say he was a tail with a cat attached to it. Lovely green eyes. 

He was getting older. Had a limp and had to have some teeth taken out. We would go for regular check ups, vaccinations, and a yearly lion cut. All in all he was an old man but we were not prepared for what would happen this past week. We tried to feed him with his favourite dinner (cod) last weekend but he wasn't as into it, which was very unusual. I initially thought he had a fur ball that needed to exit as he was licking his lips a lot and seemed queasy. I tried to give him something that might help things along but on Thursday I realised that something was seriously not right. His breathing seemed a lot more laboured. He would sit up and stare into the floor and seemed confused. Friday we took him to the vets and she saw that he was in a bad way. He had fluid around his heart and it pressing on his lungs and other organs. By that point I knew in fact I think I knew Friday morning as I was kissing him before I went to work. I cried so much on the way to work and blamed my swollen eyes on a bad cold I was having to my colleagues. My husband took him to the vets around lunchtime on Friday and very quickly asked me to come down. By then Casper was sedated as they had to put him under to calm him down. There was no doubt that he was sick and had lots of fluid in and around his heart. I asked the vet what she would do if it was her cat. She said, "I would not subject him to any more". So we made a choice to put him to sleep when he was already under/ sedated. We sat with him, kissed him and loved him as much as we could and now he's gone.

Our precious precious Casper the cat and gentle lion. I haven't really eaten since Friday lunch time. I am completely crushed and so is my husband. So many many tears. Should we have tried to give him a few more years? Perhaps it was an infection that could have been cured with some antibiotics? I sat on him by accident last year. Did I cause him to get sick? All these questions and so much guilt. In the last few months I knew that Casper was getting to an age and I would talk with my husband about it. I would say, I will not put him through any pain and would talk about it as if I somehow knew it was coming. Casper was an old man but now that he's gone we are totally crushed. The house is empty and he is not on the chaise-long, not on our bed, or on the couch spooning. I hear these sounds in the house and think it's him but then it's not. 

Sorry for a very long winded post but we are totally crushed. As I mentioned before, were we too quick to put him to sleep, should we have tried medication, draining etc. etc. etc. A part of me feels that this was the only and right thing to do but again.. the guilt. We miss him so much and are so upset, empty and sad. Needed to share my story in the hopes that someone might understand and hopefully say something that makes sense. 

Rest in peace Casper, April 30th 2006 - January 31st 2020. We love you and miss you so so much xxxxx


Quote 0 0
Jimbo106
I am so sorry to hear of Casper's passing. Second guessing the decision to let him pass peacefully is a normal part of grieving, but after reading  about his condition, you did the right thing. Your vet gave good advice. I have heard from more than one person that they would always wish to be one day early than one day late and allow suffering to continue. Your obvious love for Casper, and his for you and your husband, brought me to tears. Casper lived a great life with people who loved and cared about him, a cat could not ask for better companions. He did the same thing my girl Jamie did, spoon and purr us to sleep while getting her belly rubbed, which is why it probably touched me so much. I like to dream that Jamie and Casper will share a pom-pom ball and a field of catnip while waiting for us. Blessings to your family and Casper.

Jim and the girls
Quote 0 0
Linda24
I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost two 20 yr old kitties in 2019. we don’t have kids either and were absolutely devastated. My prayers are with you and your husband. I know how bad it hurts. 
Linda A.
Quote 0 0
DogMom86
So sorry for the loss of Casper. Hugs
Mija, Chihuahua: 2004-2019
16 years
London, Golden Retriever: 2005-2020
15 years

Mom to Misty, Sango, Tami, Abby, Kawaii and Pepita the Chihuahua

Quote 0 0
codysmum102
Reading your post has me in tears. I lost my precious boy, Cody, 3 weeks ago. He was the baby my husband and I never had. We took him everywhere with us. Our house is so empty without him. We are crushed. I truly believe you made the best choice for your baby to save Casper from pain although I know it's not painless for us who are left behind. I waited too long to put my first dog, Stubby, to sleep and because of that his passing was not what I would have wanted so after that I decided as Jimbo said it is better to do it a day early than a day late. Cody wasn't afraid because he didn't know what was going to happen the day we brought him to the vet for the final time. He was not in pain and he was in his daddy's arms with me looking into his eyes when they closed. We were with him and he knew he was loved. The pain and agony is for us now who have to try to live on without our precious loves. I wish I could have had more time with him but not at the expense of him not going out peacefully. I knew if we waited it would just be prolonging the inevitable and there was a good possibility he would have been in pain. I didn't want to take that chance. I would rather live the rest of my life with a broken heart then put him through any suffering. That's what you do for those you love so your choice shows how much you loved your baby.
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
Quote 0 0
Kayleigh1986
I've been second guessing my choice to go with the vet and not treat, my baby boy was my world, I've been battling with myself thinking should I have fought for treatment and sent him to the the animal hospital and have catheters put in, and out him through all of that for him to more then likely partially block again or even worse fully block within 2-3 days, I will never know the answer...I like to picture him running free with other beautiful kitty's with lots of toys and like jimbo said a field of catnip (and endless treats my boy loved his dreamies) while waiting for us x
Quote 0 0
codysmum102
Kayleigh1986. I understand your feelings. My Cody had a brain tumor. He was having seizures. We did an MRI and he had a large tumor in his frontal lobe. The neurologist said we could do radiation which consisted of 5 weeks of treatments 5 days a week. It could kill the tumor but it could also kill good brain tissue too. Or we could do brain surgery but it would be risky, we could euthanize him right then and there or we could give him medication to try to stop the seizures and reduce the swelling in his brain. The radiation or brain surgery could give him 3 months to a year if totally successful and if it wasn't cancer but he could also end up possibly brain damaged or even dead. We chose the medication. It only gave us 2 extra months and maybe we could have had more if I chose one of the other options but I thought he doesn't know what's happening whether they put him out for radiation or surgery or to go to sleep forever but he would know if something went wrong and he woke up in worse shape than what he was in having pain or unable to do things because his brain was damaged. When he started having seizures again I knew our time was up. I thought maybe the medication would have worked longer. I knew this time was going to come but I wasn't ready. I would never be ready to let him go. I'm still not. I miss him so much 💔😭. I have to believe that I did what was right for him no matter how much it hurts.

Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
Quote 0 0
Kayleigh1986
I have to believe that what I did no matter how much it hurts was right for him, he was a very loving and sensitive soul deep down I know having all those tubes and things would have stressed him out even more, I keep thinking to myself that he is happy and will never have another episode of cystitis again xx
Quote 0 0
Casper2020
Jimbo, Linda, Dogmom, Codysmum and Kayleigh,

Thank you so much for your words of support. I am also so sorry that you have had to part with a cherished member of your family and my heart goes out to yours. From reading your posts and other posts here guilt seems to be a very common emotion amongst us. I agree with you Jimbo about wanting to imagine our boys sharing a pom-pom ball in a field of catnip whilst waiting for us but I suppose my grief is still so raw that I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions being torn between one minute feeling peace about the choice we made and then bawling my eyes out and feeling crushed that things had to end this way. I read a quote somewhere that grief is love with nowhere to go. I have found some comfort in reading that a few times.

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

The pain and emptiness is deafening, if you know what I mean? It's Monday morning for me at the moment and I am getting ready for work. I am in a bit of a mess because the last time i went to work was Friday and I remember being so worried for Casper when I was going about putting out fresh water and filling up his bowl of food. It consumed me the whole morning and I was anxious. As I write to you now I am looking over on Caspers chaise-long which is empty. No sound of him eating, coming up the stairs after visiting his private area in the basement, no sound of him doing his mani / pedi and grooming himself routine, or seeing his lovely face when he woke up with a very tired expression on his face. As I wrote in my initial post, Casper and I had a special bond and he was a wonderful support when I was going through my health issues little over three years ago. I can only hope and pray that I didn't wear him out with everything and that he knows that we didn't give up on him. That's what hurts because in my grief I am humanising his feelings and emotions too much. Think I'm still in shock about it all. Very confused and am going to need time to land from this. I keep telling myself and hoping that he hears it that we didn't give up on him but wanted to protect him from pain and suffering. The last day or so was enough for us to know that our Casper was in trouble and that he struggled but never in a million years would I think that the end would happen so soon. Just was not prepared but then would I want to be? Sorry for mumbled and confused posting but that's what I am, mumbled and confused. 

Once again, thank you for words of support and please know that my heart goes out to all of you.
Quote 0 0
Kayleigh1986
I hope too that my baby boy knows I didn't give up him and I did what I did out of pure love and it was the right choice for him, they leave massive paw prints on our heart x
Quote 0 0
codysmum102
Me too 😢
Julie 💔
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
--Franchesca Cox
Quote 0 0
KarenWi
Love the quote! I hope you are doing better today. I lost my best friend last Tuesday. It’s nice to know other humans are going through the same thing. Many hugs...
Quote 0 0