One year ago today, May 3, 2018.
To my dearest Boo from your Mommy:
I didn’t know how sick you were.
Throughout the night you coughed like I had never heard you cough.
We got up and went to the vet. He gave you the medication assuring me that you would be ok and to give you a dose when we got home. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Never forgetting the look on your sweet little face sitting in the car hoping that I would be staying home with you through the day. Your “dad” stayed with you most of the morning and when I arrived home at 12:30 pm., you were not doing so well. I had never heard you moan before. It didn’t sound like you were in pain, it just sounded like you were uneasy. The rest, I don’t want to write again.
Just remembering the last day brings so much pain. I try my best not to but somehow it works its ugly way into my mind.
Today, Boo, I will remember all of the good time, all of the sweet little things about you, how you made me smile and laugh everyday of your life. I will remember you…at your best….
To my forum family:
Watching Boo age came with its own set of daily changes. His once honey colored fur turned completely white like mine. We grew old together. His eyes had the same film over them that I remember seeing in my grandmother’s eyes. One day he could get up on the bed; the next day he falls, whimpering, when he tries to leap onto it, and nothing will convince him not to try again. To the end, he was invincible. Or so he thought .
I know that my Boo had a very special life. He was treated like he was royalty. He never ate dog food (dog food was for dogs). He slept in a king sized bed, and he had ¾ of it. He had run of the house and was the little prince. He knew me better than I know myself. He knew every move I was going to make before I made it. He understood that our lives were special together. All he wanted was to live. He wanted joy. I know that my life revolved around taking care of him. All of this is wonderful except the part that he is not here anymore.
I believe that when I arrived home a year ago today at 12:30 pm., Boo still thought he was going to be ok. After all, I was there, and I always took care of him. I always made it better.
Although it’s been exactly one year, I still feel my boy every day. I know that today when I go to the park, for the first time in a year, he will be there waiting for me in spirit. I will walk our walk and watch all of the squirrels waiting for my Boo to chase them, listen to all of the birds singing, listen to the children playing, smell the freshly cut grass. It will not be the same but I must go to honor my boy as it was his favorite place other than home. It was his last place on this earth. I will miss his excited scream when I drive into the park, I will miss his running excitement, I will miss him chasing the squirrels, I will miss him peeing 15-20 times marking the park as his. I will miss his little nose exploring all of the smell spring offers.
This place, this forum, I honestly believe, saved me. People come and go here, but we are all here for the same reason. We are all here because we have lost our dear dear companion and no one, no one quite understands in the way we do here. The bond we all share is not describable. When Boo left one year ago, I was so distraught, I had no idea how to handle it. I talked to my close family and yeah, they were supportive, but only for a day or two. My co-workers all said the same things, the usual things we don’t want to hear. We really don’t want to hear anything do we? We just want our babies back. But it was all “well at least he’s not suffering” “well, he’s in a better place” “well, you know the best way to get over it is to get another dog”. Ugh. I didn’t want another dog and I definitely would never get over it. I found that I have gotten used to not having Boo with me physically, but “over it” NEVER! The worst one of all was “it’s just a dog.” I can’t even comment on that one. So, this forum, this safe place, saved me. I found so many compassionate people here that understood that we never “get over it” we just get used to it. It takes a long time to get used to but we do.
After a year, I wonder if I will ever be able to own another animal knowing the unavoidable reality in the end. Is it was really worth it in the end, worth the pain, unhappiness, and the loss of joy. As far as owning another animal, I don’t know the answer yet. I have been secretly looking at puppies on the internet though. As far as it being worth it in the end? The answer is yes, I would not trade the last 12 years for anything
To all of you that are just beginning the journey of grief, stay here, come here often, check in, read other’s stories of pain and sorrow. You will find yourself comforting someone. It seems like it will never get easier but it does. You will never stop missing your baby and you will never “get over” it but you will survive.