LaGata
The morning started like all the others. It was 5am and you wanted your breakfast. You did your figure 8's around my legs like all the days before. You jumped up in your favorite chair to survey your kingdom. I made coffee and went to watch the news, not knowing that the most devastating news was soon to come. I heard a cough come from the hall and then you ran into the room and jumped to the bed. I smiled while you made muffins on the blanket and I petted you. You laid down on my legs with your sweet face looking at me. Then it happened...just a twitch of your head and as I reached out to pet you, I saw you stop breathing. I grabbed you and started cpr....but in a blink you were gone. The house was silent except for my screams. I wrapped you in a blanket and rushed for the door, bare foot and in my pj's, I could only think of getting you to the vet. It was there on the front porch that I realized the futility of that. My baby's gone. I held you in my arms for hours, crying and sobbing, begging for you to come back to me. I would have made a deal with the devil if I could. I begged you not to go somewhere that I couldn't. Time just stopped! Why? Why?What happened? What did I do wrong? I held both my parents hands when they passed. But this pain is unbearable. I laid you on the bed and brushed your long calico hair. Your younger sister, Anna, jumped on the bed, she went to you and licked your face. Watching that tore my heart to pieces. I can't bear to let you go. Life will never be the same. You were so different....you knew you had me trapped in the bathroom and you would get a real good brushing there. Every time, no matter day or night, I heard the patter of your paws running down the hall and into the bath...I have never heard the purr like you made when I brushed your wiskers...then you'd jump into the shower to play with curtains. Even when I closed the door, you would find a way to open it. But you always surprised me for almost 16 years. Some say l was lucky....I was here when you came into the world and I was there when you left. I don't know how to let you go....and so it is
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Gmr
I am so very sorry for your loss. Hugs
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Achilly
So sorry
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Judicoltrain
So sorry for loss she was beautiful
Judi coltrain
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LaGata
And so it is.....another sleepless night full of tears and longing. I feel like I'm in that groundhog day movie, except l don't get to hold you again. Another day of pain like I've never felt before. I can't think, l can't eat, I just stare at the place on our bed where you died. I wish I would have held you longer! I wish I would have seen some sign that you were sick and had taken you to the vet. This guilt is crushing! I can't get my mind off of you.
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ChihuahuaMom
i am so, so sorry for your loss.  i have a story similar to yours with my baby.  What your going through immediately brings tears to my eyes because I like you had those thoughts rushing through my head. Screaming at heaven asking why they needed my angel when they already have so many :(  I can still feel the weight of his little body in my arms as I cradled him for the last time.  My heart goes out to you, it truly does. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I try to find some bit of peace believing that my Bandit and I will be reunited once again.  It's the only way I can get through this.  Again, I am so sorry.
Bandit's mommy

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5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
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LaGata
Tks ChihuahuaMom for your kind words..sorry for your loss
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LaGata
Another sleepless night..I miss you lagata. Omg...I have to stop this or I'll really lose it. I saw an article on how to tell if your pet had died. According to them, I did everything wrong...You had 1 eye closed, I swear I couldn't see you breathing, it seems that I also checked for a pulse in the wrong place. I held you in my arms for hours and you were still warm to me. There was no rigor....omg what have l done? Did l bury my baby alive?
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LaGata
Can't sleep. Nightmares! I keep seeing you in the shadows of my room.
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ChihuahuaMom
LaGata's mom:

At 4:10 AM i join you in another sleepless night. Reading your post has me thinking of that tragic day as well.  When my baby collapsed, I stuck my finger down his throat to make sure there was no blockage and that he wasn't choking on anything. I began CPR and continued to do it until my husband finally had to pull me off the floor while I was crying and screaming, and me telling him he might not have passed...maybe he had a seizure, maybe he was in a coma.  I even thought this after we took him to the vet the following day.

i held him in my arms for hours crying and screaming. He was soft and pliant, the only thing that had changed was he was cool to the touch.  I put him in his puppy bed and wrapped him in the first baby blanket I had given him.  I tried to close his eyes, but could only get them about 3/4 (maybe a bit more) closed. Before we took him to our vet the next morning I stroked his little body and told him how much I love and miss him and that we will meet again soon.  I also pet him at the vet, both times the day after he passed he soft to the touch and was not stiff at all.

Please know I had all of these thoughts as well, you did everything for your baby and he knows you were there when he passed...so try to let that be of some comfort if you are able.  he was not alone.  You did everything you could and everything the right way.  There is nothing here that is your fault or that you have done wrong. I made a shrine for my little man when he passed and I talk to him every day.  I also like to write letters to him, here on the board.  I have ordered several books on pet grief and PTSD. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. My deepest sympathizes go out to you.
Bandit's mommy

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5/14/2005-9/26/2019
May we meet again soon my sweet baby
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LaGata
Tks ChihuahuaMom......I think I need to stop reading vet articles. I think that all passings must be different....not just the same textbook jargon. I don't know what state she was in. One eye closed, limp as a ragdoll, jaws locked tight, but so very warm as her head rested on my neck the whole time I held her. Too many thoughts, my head is still spinning. Tomorrow will be the end of the first horrible week of my life. Tks again for your response, it does bring a measure of comfort.....and so it is-no more story, just pain- no glory, all tears and fears
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LaGata
Another sleepless night...a few cat naps....haha. But tomorrow is 1st week without you. Your mat and bowl still sit waiting for you. I just can't put them up. I miss you baby girl. Wait for me please
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LaGata
Oh baby girl, it's been a week almost to the minute since you laid your head on my legs. I looked at the pic of you just after your little sister came to your side and licked your face. Your eyes were closed...you just looked like you were sleeping. I know now l should have taken you straight to the vet, I don't know what stopped me. You were still warm.
Please God help me. Please baby, forgive me. I can't stop thinking that I buried you and you might still have been alive. I'm so sorry I let you down. There will be no forgiveness here. Your memories will haunt me forever and I will never forget what happened here just a week ago...and so it is
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LaGata
Another day without your meows. If grief is the price of love, I will never love again the way I loved you.
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Mamabird
Hi LaGata,please quit beating yourself up,You are a Great Loving Mom.Its been 5 months sense my feathered baby Oscay flew into heaven,and cry daily.I have 12 other birds,I love dearly and am close to,but my oscay was that extra special.Everything you've said we've feel.You're not along,i know you feel you are,but we're here.Love and Hugs🌈❤
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